GlassWorks - The Letter

By A.M. Glass

Copyright: July 21, 2000

E-mail: glasswrks@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The characters from "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer", well, they don't belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon, et al. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. This a non-profit piece of fan fiction, the story is the sole property of the author.

SPOILERS: Very briefly "Something Blue."

Distribution: Kim, Bill, Gary, Pat, iamthespark, Quin.

Angst Warning: Full of Angst. I do so enjoy it.

*****

Hi,

I know this seems odd, me writing to you instead of telling you face to face, it would be easier that way as we do share the same dorm room and everything, and it would be a lot more simpler than writing...

Opps.

Okay.

Let me see if I can get this letter started without the babble. How do I start? That's the problem.

I've known you for a while now, and I guess it's a safe bet to say, that I've never met anyone like you in my entire life. You have done more for me than just showing me kindness and affection over the years. You've helped me become the person I am today, and don't shake your head, you know deep down it's true.

Being around you has been a mind-altering experience without all the nasty side effects of taking drugs. Well, facing some of the things we've faced over the years could be considered hallucinatory...

I wanted to tell you something that I should have said a long time ago, but I couldn't. There were things in both our pasts that just wouldn't allow me to say a word. But now I can.

See me taking a deep breath...

I love you.

I said it... I can't believe I said... okay you got me, I didn't actually 'say' the words, but they are there for you to see, to hold, to read over and over at your leisure.

And, yes, yes, I know you love me too, but, I'm not quite sure it's the same kind of love you're thinking of at the moment.

How do I explain myself?

When you come into a room, and your gaze settles on me, my heart starts pounding in my chest. When you say my name in a certain way, I feel like a puddle of warm goo. There were times when I'd act in a certain way that I was sure that you knew that my feelings had become more than just 'friendly'. But, then again, Xander was in the room at the same time, so, I'm sure that you thought it was because of him.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Xander. I still do, just more like a brother now.

But, I can say without a doubt that my feelings for you ran deeper than those of a sibling. They were the feelings of a girl in love.

In love with her best friend.

And no, it's not a crush, I've had those, and I know what they're like, and let me tell you, this isn't the same. Not even remotely.

I'm not sure if you even realized whenever you held me, I was shivering. Not from the cold, or the terror of whatever it was you had just stopped...

It was because of you.

You and you alone.

It pained me to drift apart from you, and the others. And I can never really apologize enough for the Spike incident...

Although, you did look like you were having the time of your life kissing him. I mean talk about heat... woo. *smile*

Anyway, I wanted to let you know after all these years how I feel... felt?

I'm not sure what I feel for you anymore and that hurts me more than I can say. Yes, I know I said I love you earlier.

And I do.

That's a given...

But...

Now...

Now there's someone else in my life. Someone important to me and I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I've wanted you for so long, that I'm not sure if I'm chasing a dream, a fantasy that can never come true...

Or...

Am I finally letting go and moving on.

I can see that you're happy with Riley.

Yes, you've had your moments, but I think all relationships have there ups and downs, but it looks like it might work out for you two.

And above all else Buffy, I want you to be happy.

I had dreamed for a long time that I could be that person...

But, it looks like someone beat me there...

Again.

I have a feeling that if things had turned out just a little bit differently, I wouldn't be writing this letter to you, I'd probably be right next to you, telling you all my dreams and secrets...

And loving you.

But, I don't think that's possible right now.

And I'm going to give what Tara and I have a chance, I need to see where this leads.

I think she knows, about my feelings for you, and she still loves me anyway.

I don't get it really.

I don't want to hurt her or you, so that's why I'm writing this down.

This is the reason why I can't talk to you about it face to face.

There's a part of me that knows that if I were ever to tell you face to face, you'd...

Opps, someone's at the door.

I love you Buffy Summers, more than you'll ever know, more than I can ever explain

Your Wicca Girl Willow

*****

"I... I thought I should give it to you."

Buffy looked up from the letter tears streaming down her eyes.

"Did... did you read it?"

A slow nod answered her question. "I didn't know who it was for, I just found it among her papers."

"She did love you, you have to know that," Buffy said, folding the letter.

"Oh... I know she did, but I always knew that I didn't have all of her. That there was something... some part of her that was not mine to have," Tara replied softly.

"I'm sorry you had to read this Tara," Buffy told her.

"I'm not. We had twenty years together, they were the best times of my life. And I know she's in a better place right now. If... if I had to share her with anyone... I'm... I'm glad it was with you," she said.

"I'm... I'm not sure what to say..."

"Don't worry about it. I... I'm going to be late, I told Mr. Giles I'd pick the kids up after I dropped the letter off. I know he loves them, but they can be a handful," Tara explained as she got up from the kitchen table and headed towards the front door.

"Tara..."

"Yes Buffy."

"I..."

"Buffy, I already know. I could tell, Willow could sense it. I knew you loved her as well, it just wasn't the time. Who knows?" she said shrugging her shoulders, determined not to break down in front of her, Tara took a deep breath and continued. "Perhaps you'll meet again, and then you two will be together. I really have to go. Good-bye," she said exiting the house and heading for the car.

Buffy watched as Tara drove away, looking at the letter in her hand, she slumped to the floor and cried for the love that never happened.

The End.