"I got news for you pal. You ain't leadin but two things right now, Jack and Shit, and Jack left town."
[Scene] Josh Sutton walks into the room with a brew in one hand and a large glass filled with finely mixed raw eggs. His head is still heavily bandaged due to yesterday's religious battering with a steel chair.Bruce Campbell’s cinematic masterpiece and sequel to the Evil Dead series, ‘Army of Darkness’ is playing on the big screen. Sutton sits down and immediately gets into the movie.
Sutton: You know, I’ve seen this movie hundreds of times now. You’d think by now that I would’ve become burnt out on it. But no. No, you see, I find Ash to be very much like myself. He’s a ‘boomstick’ carrying, undead burying, take-shit-from-no-one, witty bad ass. Then you have Josh Sutton.
[Scene] Sutton reaches up behind him and pulls down a Singapore cane in a tight plastic wrapping. Apparently it has some sort of sentimental value to him. He takes it out of the wrapping and looks at it for a moment before shifting his eyes back to the camera.
Sutton: Hardcore Hulin, see this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Six pounds of solid bamboo with a finely grated steel tip. The first of its kind made for me in the mid-90’s when I really emerged into this sport as a hardcore impact.
Sutton: So I guess in comparison, you could say I’m a Singapore cane carrying, no-talent jobber burying, beer and egg chugging, take-shit-from-no-one, witty, too hardcore for my own good, bad ass. Beat that, Mr. Campbell!
Sutton: Sutton tips back the eggs and gulps them down. He lets out a quenching sigh as if he’d just drank the most refreshing beverage ever. Chasing the eggs comes the beer and another sigh follows as he then lets out a belch.
Sutton: Damn, it feels good to be back. The Current’s Haven is riding strong again. I’ve had a religious experience with Victor Blood and a steel chair. It’s safe to say that I’m back. Damn, feels like I’m eighteen all over again. I owe this all to one person.
Sutton: That’d be you, Hardcore Hulin. You and many others over the past couple of years who have gotten away with dragging my hardcore name through the mud. Talking down to me as if I’d just simply emerged into the business. It’s people like you that have allowed me to go back and learn to re-tie my hardcore shoes, so to speak.
[Scene] Sutton tosses back the rest of his proverbial 'cold' one. He crushes the can and tosses it to the floor.
Sutton: You know, Hulin, watching you and "The Boss" is almost as bad as watching an episode of Paris Hilton's 'The Simple Life"...almost. It's been stupid, grotesque, and pointless up to this point. With arguments over who's going to win in the NCAA... Arguments about who's going to do what and when... How you're going to prepare for the biggest match of your career. Nonsense, Hulin, you're living in a world of comedic nonsense. I won't allow you to turn this match into an abomination of any sort. You better start getting real serious, because I'm coming at you with a fist full of steel.
Sutton: I leave you with this... Another Ashism from Army of Darkness with an added twist... "Prepare for the best, up the anty, and prepare to.... Hail to the King, Baby!"
[Scene] The scene fades into the TV as Bruce Campbell blows the head off of a skeleton. We begin to fade..to..black.