[Foreward] To better understand your opponent, you need to understand how they live. Since my wife Ashley is always bitching at me about taking a vacation, I decided I would kill two birds with one stone. It was time to... go to Texas. Wichita Falls, Texas to be exact. The hometown of Dwight Maverick. I knew from the moment the plan went into effect that it was going to be hell. And hell it was... It further proves that Maverick's kind are bumbling idiots. Throrough-bred bumbling idiots... Throrough-bred... I meant incestously-bred. The people of Texas... Jesus... I don't know how to describe it to you. I guess... I guess well if you took a man, beat him with an ugly stick, cut off a few fingers and toes, and added some extra features then rolled them in pig vomit.. You'd have a redneck from Texas. Let's not forget the giant hats and obnoxious accents. Compared to Texas, a coma sounds appealing.
[Scene] A cheesey image of a map shows with red lines drawing from Illinois to Texas is shown. A large star pin-points Wichita Falls. The scene fades in with Sutton, his wife, and midget stopping at a local filling station. Josh gets out of the vehicle sighing. He lifts up the lever on the Unleaded pump and puts it into his tank. He speaks loudly showing obvious annoyance.
Sutton: Damn, what a dump. These god damn farmers and local yokels need to lay off on the fertilizer.. Jesus Christ.
Ashley: Oh come on honey, I thought you'd love Texas.
Sutton: Ashley... Love and I shouldn't even be used in the same sentence. I hate Texas. I've been here for a few hours and I already miss Illinois... And I hate Illinois too... Atleast I don't have to wrestle for these toothless bald-headed hillbillies... Man.. If this is how Dwight Maverick lives; beating him is going to be easier than I first presumed.
Ashley: Josh, please stop? You're going to get us in trouble again?
Sutton: For what? Calling these folk toothless bald-headed hillbillies? I don't give a shit. I'll go one better; Texans are nothing but inbred cowboys rolled in pig shit.
Big Mean Looking Redneck: Ya'll hearin' this city boy? He's insultin' us Texans...
[Scene] Sutton doesn't look up from the pump. Soon two other rednecks walk up beside the other, whom appears to be the 'Redneck Ringleader'. They talk amongst themselves from a moment then turn to Josh.
Redneck 1: Is'at right Chucky? Heh-Heh-Heh.. Well whaddya say we show this her' city boy how we play down here in the South?
Redneck Ringleader: Yap! I reckon dat'id teach 'em some manners.
[Scene] A few more Rednecks start to sorround the car. They start to shake it. Ashley and Mini Sutton quickly get out and run to Josh's side. Sutton stands dumbfounded with the gas nozzle still in his hand.
Josh(whispering): Alright, Ashley, you kick the big one in the nuts and I'll make a run for it.. Sound good? Alright! Go!
[Scene] Ashley stands still, shaking her head at Josh in disbelief.
Josh: Oh, fuck this!
[Scene] Sutton runs, narrowly avoiding a pregnant lady and escapes from the hillbillies. You can see Mini Sutton, almost waddle-running, trying to catch up to his master. Ashley looks around at all the rednecks sorrounding her, then slowly creeps away. The camera pans to Sutton, who's running down the road towards a run-down hotel, screaming and flailing his arms like a maniac. The camera pans down and you can see his midget, Mini Sutton doing the same. The camera waits and moments later, Ashley walks into the hotel, in a sophisticated manner. Sutton and his midget stand by the entrance, panting. Ashley walks up and throws Josh the keys, staring at him with a bewildered look.
Ashley: I spoke too soon.
Sutton: Sorry... I'm just extremely pumped and stressed out.. I have this match on Wednesday with the redneck posterchild Dwight Maverick. I needed a stress reliever.
Ashley: Well, we should try to loop through a back entrance and get out of here before they catch us, or you're going to need a pain reliever.
Sutton: Pfft; yeah right. We could stand here another thirty minutes. Rednecks don't run, they consider it working. I mean, for fucks sake, the unemployment rate is like.. what, 75% over here?
Mini Sutton: Me thinks we need to go soon! Me here dem coming!
[Scene] Seconds later the yells and screams of the angry Redneck lynch mob can be heard. Sutton throws his hands to his cheeks and lets out a vintage Home Alone shriek. He then turns and leaves his wife and midget behind, managing to find a back exit. He waits momentarily as Ashley and Mini Sutton shuffle into the room. They run out and a few seconds later you hear the Hotel door crash open. The mob runs through the hotel frantically looking for them. The trio high-tail it to the gas station, but there's a problem... The car is gone.
Sutton: I think this is where I say "Oh.. fuck me."
[Scene] The mob of Rednecks catch up to them, sorrounding in a tight circle. There's a beeping sound in the distance.. it grows louder.. Suddenly things start to become wispy.. and then they fade out.. Sutton looks around frantically then lets out a sigh of relief as he reaches over and flips his alarm switch off. He rises from his bed and walks to the mirror.
Sutton: Thank God it was only a fucking dream!