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[The scene opens in a small town down in Southern Illinois. A town barely populated over 2,000 people. The scene fades over to find Josh Sutton standing with a fancy dressed elderly lady. Sutton doesn't seem to be too happy. Mini Sutton is nowhere in sight.]
Sutton: Grandma, do I have to go to church? Grandma: Aww, Joshie, it won't take very long. Cant'cha go for yer old grammy? Sutton: Well, actually I kinda had some plans today, but I'm sure I can get Mini Sutt...er I mean Bob to go with you. [The old woman looks very hurt by this, but tries hard not to show it. She breaks out a weak smile and Sutton knows this.] Sutton: Alright, Alright, I'll go. But I won't like it. Grandma: Aww sonny, be more optimistic. Sutton: *grumbling* What's there to be optimistic about. We're going to listen to a guy talk for endless hours. In fact preachers are probably paid BY the hour. Grandma: Eh? What was that Joshie. Sutton: Nothing Grandma. Grandma: Okay, are you ready sweety? Sutton: As ready as I can get I suppose. [Sutton and his Grandma get into her old station wagon and head for the local hick church. Sutton grumbles and groans all the way there, unobvious to his Grandma's hearing. As they pull in, Josh sees nothing but old folk going inside. He sighs and looks over at his Grandma to see her almost toothless smiling face.] Grandma: Pastor Marty sure is a good speaker, I've told him all kinds of things about you. Sutton: *thinking* I'll bet you have you old hag. Grandma: Aww, Joshie, try to smile please? [Sutton grits his teeth for a moment then shows forth an extremely fake smile.] Grandma: Now doesn't that feel better sweety? Sutton: I don...(Sutton's grandma interrupts him) Grandma: Oh my, there's that Shirley Wagner over there. Won't you come and say hello with me Joshie? [Before Josh can answer his grandma is dragging him by the arm over toward the other elderly lady. Sutton continues to try and force a smile but it seems to be slowly fading. Sutton's grandma and the other lady break into small talk and Sutton tunes out for a moment, drifing out into space.] Grandma: Yep, this is my only grandkid. Shirley Wagner: Well isn't he cute. [Shirley gives Sutton a hard pinch to the cheek snapping him from his day dream. Sutton unknowingly seizes Shirley's hand but fades back into his day dream.] Sutton: Oh..(Still holds her hand) It's so..smooth. Grandma: JOSH! What on earth are you doing. [Sutton is sucking on Ms. Wagner's fingers as he is again snapped out of his day dream. He looks down, seeing the fingers, then looks at Shirley, who's face is bright red. Her eyes are closed and she seems to be enjoying it. Sutton looks around and spits the fingers out, takes a second, then runs off looking sick.] Scene Change [The scene re-opens inside the church. Heavy stamping is heard down a corridor. Sutton bursts onto the scene holding his stomach. He's obviously in search of a bath room. He comes to two unlabeled doors. He looks around for a brief moment then opens the door to the left and steps in. He notices it's not a bathroom, but a comfortable looking bench with a window next to it rests inside the small room. Sutton grabs the door handle ready to leave but is interrupted by a voice.] Preacher: Hello my son. Sutton: Dad? Dad is that you? What the hell are you doing in church? Preacher: This is the house of god, child, we do not speak in that context behind these walls. Sutton: Oh, right, sorry about that. Preacher: It is alright my son, won't you have a seat? Sutton: Well, actually I was looking for a bathroom. Preacher: Ah I see, another accidental confessionist. Alright, you may leave if you wish. *coughs*If you want to goto hell*cough* Sutton: Huh? Preacher: Oh, nothing my son, just a small cold. Sutton: So what do I do? I haven't been to church since I was five. My grandma used to make me come by promising to buy me cookies and candy afterward. Preacher: That's sweet of her. Sutton: Yeah, it would have been, but the bitch never followed through. Preacher: Please! DO NOT use that profanity inside these walls. Sutton: DAMNIT! I keep forgetting! Preacher: Aahhhh!!! Sutton: Aahhhh!!! [There's a moment of silence.] Sutton: What was that all about. Preacher: Nevermind, now my son, confess and show forth your sins before our heavenly father Sutton: Hey, how's come if God's our father, you're calling me son? Preacher: Er..well I dunno. It's just a tradition passed on through the ages among priests and ministers. Sutton: Okay well from now on, I'll call you son and you call me father, okay? Preacher: My son, I have a service to preach soon, can we get a long with the confessions? Sutton: No No, I'm father, you're son. So son, how long have you been a preacher? Preacher: I've been a preist fo.. Sutton: Wait, which one am I again? The son or the father? Preacher: Oh for heaven's sake. Sutton: What about hell's sake? Preacher: Sir, please. You're making me extremely late. Sutton: Alright, Alright. I guess the fun's over. I have a confession to make. Preacher: Oh and what is that my son? Sutton: Well, about two years ago..*Sutton's putting out some fake sobs.* Preacher: Yes, continue my son. Sutton: Two years ago.. I FUCKED YOUR WIFE! AHAHAHAHAHA! [Sutton bolts from the confession booth and runs down the hallway, a large smirk on his face. Sutton looks back to see the priest in hot pursuit. He's shaking his fist violently. Suddenly Sutton stops.] Sutton: *thinking* Wait, why am I running again.... [Before Sutton can answer himself the priest catches him. He grabs Sutton by the ear and starts dragging him down the corridor. Sutton smirks and plants his feet so that the priest is unable to move him. The priest winces then hits Sutton right in the jaw. Sutton: FUCK! Now you've gone and done it. I'm about to become a bible pusher.. I'm gonna take your bible and push it right up your ass! Preacher: Oh, is that right son? [The preacher whistles loudly and there's a loud fluttering noise heard. About a dozen ninja nuns burst onto the scene by flipping. Sutton's face, a gasp, is priceless. All of the nuns strike a judo pose and prepare to attack a suprised Josh Sutton. As the nuns move in, a cloud of smoke appears and MINI SUTTON appears wielding knunchucks. Mini Sutton spins, knocking all of the nuns to the ground. Josh tackles the preacher.] Grandma: Josh? Josh sweety, it's time to wake up. Sutton: Huh? Wake up? Grandma: Yes, wake up. You promised me you'd goto church. Sutton: oooh...it was all just a dream. [Sutton reaches under his pillow and finds the pair of knunchucks from his dream. Sutton thinks for a second then...] Sutton: AAAAHHHHH!!!!! OLD WOMEN IN TIGHT BLACK SPANDEX!!!
| "To women, I am like a drug....They can't get enough of me. Men envy what I have while their children look up to me as their hero." - Josh Sutton |