I sit on the bed looking at a picture of us smiling and laughing, wondering where the laughter had gone.
My mind goes back to last night and to the fight we had. He was so angry at me and I still have no idea why.
'I wonder where he is? He said he would be back by now.'
I am thinking to myself as I put the finishing touches to dinner. I walk out to the deck and stare out over the ocean, loving the peaceful feeling that always comes over me when I look at it.
I hear the door close announcing that he's home and smile.
'Good, he's home, no late night at the studio'
I think as I head back into the house.
"Hey baby. I sure am glad your home." I tell him. "I was hoping it wasn't going to be a late night again."
I give him a kiss and walk into the kitchen so I can get him his dinner. I put his plate on the table and look up and realize he didn't follow me.
'Where is he?' I think and head into the living room.
"Baby? Is there something wrong?"
I ask him when I notice him just staring out the patio doors. He turns around and I can't believe the look I see on his face.
'I've never seen him look so angry'
I think to myself as he moves past me.
"What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong Angel. What's with the comment 'I'm glad it wasn't a late night'? You knew what you were getting into when we started going out. I don't understand you! I work hard all day trying to get stuff together for the group and all you do is think of yourself. I mean I do it all for us and our future together and you just don't seem to care. All you care about is if I'm home in time for the dinner you cooked me! You don't care if I'm tired or if I had a bad day. No, it all comes down to if I'm home when YOU need me to be."
I'm standing in the middle of the living room staring at my fiancee in shock. He's never gone off on me like this, not in the 4 years we've been together. I am trying to sift through the confusion in my head trying to find exactly where his outburst could of come from. I can't find it.
"Baby, I only said that because you've been at the studio late all week. I didn't mean to make you angry. Of course I care if your..."
"BULLSHIT!" He yells at me.
I jump when he yells and I try hard not to cry but I fail. The tears start to fall and he rolls his eyes at me.
"Yea, sure turn on the tears thinking I'm just gonna melt and stop being mad. Not this time Angel. I'm not letting you manipulate me this time. I'm sick of coming home and putting up with your whining about me staying at the studio late. It's my job. Or is it that you don't think it's a real job, that I don't work hard enough? Is that it?"
"No of course not. I know you work hard. I don't understand where this is coming from. I know you work hard for us and our future, I've never said you didn't. Why are you so angry at me? Or did something happen at the studio and with the guys and your taking it out on me?" I say to him.
He had turned his back on me and was staring out the patio doors again. He slowly turned around to face me and his eyes held onto the anger he was feeling but he was smiling. I didn't exactly like the smile either.
"Yep, it's all about you, huh? Poor little Angel, everyone's mad at you and there just is no way that they can be cause your perfect and can do nothing wrong, right? Well damnit your not perfect and you did something wrong, but of course you can't see it."
I am just looking at him dumbfounded not knowing what to say to him. I still don't know where this is coming from. I figure something must of happened at the studio today and he is just taking out his frustrations but his words hurt.
We've been fighting a lot lately about little stuff and I hate it. It's been like this ever since they started working on the new album. He is always tense and wound up before, during and after working on a cd, but never like this.
"Sweetie, I..."
"Oh forget it, you'll never understand" He yells at me
He walks into the foyer and grabs his keys and walks out the door.
I walk over to the door and open it just in time to see him drive down the driveway and turn onto the street. Sighing I close the door and walk into the kitchen and start to put the dinner away.
'Well, so much for a lovely evening together'
I think as I blow out the candles I had lit. I think about calling one of the guys to see if anything had happened today but decide against it.
'Don't need to give him another reason to be mad at me' I think.
I stay up watching tv to pass the time but nothing really keeps my attention. At around 2am I come to the conclusion that he's not going to be home any time soon.
Sighing, I turn off the tv and get ready for bed, the whole time listening for him to come home. He doesn't so I get in bed and turn off the lights. I try to go to sleep but I can't. The nights argument is laying heavy on my mind.
'Why did he get so mad? All I said was something I've said before and he didn't get mad. I just don't get it'
I've laid in bed for a while and I glance over at the clock, 4:30am.
'He isn't even going to come home'
I think to myself and I finally just let the tears that have been threatening to fall since he walked out, come and I cry myself to sleep.
A noise from the kitchen brings me back to the present. I glance once again at the picture and then put it back down in it's place on the night stand.
I get up and head out to the kitchen. When I get to the kitchen and look in I see him cooking breakfast. I smile to myself when he turns around and he is full of flour, I always thought he was adorable when he cooked, but covered in flour, he's irresistible. I know I should still be angry at him for the things he said but, I can't be, it's too hard to stay angry at him. I glance around the rest of the kitchen and I can see he has created a disaster.
'Oh boy, can't wait to clean that mess up' I think to myself
I clear my throat to let him know I was standing there. He jumps slightly when he hears me and turns around. I look at his eyes, knowing if he is still angry I will be able to see it because his eyes always give away what he is feeling. He looks at me and then at the kitchen and gives me a shrug and a smile and I know instantly that the anger that was there last night was gone.
"What in the world are you doing to my kitchen?"
I ask him as I walk in. I look around the kitchen and can't believe that one man can make such a big mess. I think he has used every single pot and pan we own, and just for breakfast. I turn around to ask him if there was anything left in the refrigerator or was it all over the counter and I see he is taking something out of the oven.
He turns around and looks at me after he has placed the biscuits on the stove to cool off. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he feels bad about the fight last night. I walk up and get some plates and hand him one and smile at him
"Lets eat first and then we can talk, ok?" I ask him.
He nods in agreement and starts to fill his plate with food. We sit down and eat the breakfast he made in complete silence. I know I should be angry at him, throwing questions about where he was last night at him, but I can't. I'm just happy he came back home and he was safe.
We finish eating and take the plates to the sink. I look around once again and shake my head
"You do realize you are helping me clean this up?" I ask him.
He lets out a laugh and smiles
"Yes I do realize that. I also realize I was an ass last night and really need to apologize and beg for forgiveness"
He says to me taking my hands in his and looking at me.
"Well, before the begging begins why don't we go into the living room and you tell me what happened to make you act like an ass." I say to him.
We go to the couch and sit down. I realize after sitting there for a few minutes that I was going to have to give him a push to start talking. So I take his hands in mine
"Baby, tell me what happened yesterday."
He sighs and looks up at me and I can see the sadness in his eyes. I squeeze his hand and give him a kiss on the cheek to urge him to talk.
"Well, I got to the studio yesterday all excited because of the song I wrote. I was very proud of it and thought it was the best one I've written. The guys all showed up and so did people from Jive. We did a couple of songs and then sat down to discuss what other songs were going to make it on the album."
He stopped and stood up and walked over to the patio doors. He opened them and walked out and stood looking at the ocean. I get up and walk out and lean up against the railing so that I was looking at him.
He looks at me and sighs again and moves over to the railing to stand by me but also so he could look out at the water.
"I told them that I wrote a song and I thought it was worthy of making it on the cd. The guys were all for listening to it and telling me they were happy that I wrote a song, since it's been a long time that I just sat down by myself and wrote one."
He took a deep breath and I could tell that whatever he had to say next was pretty hard. I turn around and put my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder and give him a little hug urging him to keep talking. He puts his hand on top of mine and squeezes it.
"The guys at Jive told me that, even though they were happy that I wrote a song they weren't interested in it."
He moved out of my arms and away from the railing and I could tell that in remembering what Jive had said brought back some of the anger.
"They didn't even listen to it. They didn't give it a chance, just told me it wasn't good enough to be on the cd. The guys tried to get them to at least listen to it, but even with them trying to help me out Jive said 'NO'."
He had his back to me but I could hear the hurt in his voice. I walk over to him and make him look at me. There were tears in his eyes and it broke my heart. I pulled him to me and hugged him. I moved away after a few minutes and walked him over to one of the deck chairs and sat down. He sat down with me and I held him. There were no words said, I just held him and he let the tears fall.
To say I was pissed, is an understatement. I was beyond pissed at what Jive did to him. He was a great song writer and singer but Jive always treated him like he was unimportant to the group. That is until they needed someone to help them calm one of the other members down, then they called him as quick as their fingers would dial a phone.
I'm not sure how long we had been sitting there. I know that he finally calmed down and the tears had been stopped for a while but we hadn't moved. I just sat there holding him and wishing I could make what he felt go away.
I had my eyes closed enjoying the feeling of him close to me when I felt him move away suddenly. I open my eyes and he is looking at me with a sad look on his face.
"What baby?" I ask him
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry for yelling at you, for saying the things that I said. I was so upset at what they did that I took it out on the person closest to me-you. The one person I can count on through everything, and I hurt you"
I take his hand and look at him
"Well, you did hurt me baby, but at least now I know why you said what you did. I was so confused as to why you were so mad at me. Next time, please talk to me first before you start going off and yelling."
He pulls me to him and gives me a long sweet kiss. When we break from the kiss he smiles at me
"I promise next time I will talk to you about what is wrong before I 'go off' on you. You mean everything to me baby and I can't wait to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. Can you forgive me?"
"I already forgave you sweetie when I saw you in the kitchen covered with flour, I mean you looked so darn cute."
I tell him and poke him in the stomach. He laughs and slaps my hand away.
"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you either, baby. We only have a couple more months before the wedding and our life together officially starts. I tell him smiling.
"I can't wait" He tells me
He pulls me back to him and we kiss. We decide to move to the bedroom and as soon as we get on the bed the phone rings. He groans but rolls over and picks it up.
"Hello?" He asks annoyed.
He listens for a few minutes and hardly says anything to whoever was on the phone. He hangs up and turns back to me and has a huge smile on his face.
"What?" I ask him
"The guys seem to of made Jive listen to my song. I guess they loved it and it's going to be on the album. We start recording it tomorrow."
He tells me and I've never seen him look more pleased.
"OH Howie, I'm so happy for you. That is great baby, congratulations."
"Thank you sweetie. Now not only do we get to make up, we get to celebrate."
He says to me as he lays back down and pulls me on top of him kissing me passionately.
Afterwards I lay in bed happy that we are no longer fighting. I am thinking to myself that I hope Howie keeps his promise and talks to me about what is wrong before he just starts yelling like he did this time.
I feel him roll over and sigh in his sleep and I move over closer to him and he takes me into his arms. I gently give him a kiss on his cheek and lay my head on his shoulder. I listen to his steady breathing and start to drift off, this time there are no tears.
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