Pain. Just a little word, but it can cause so much. Pain. It can course through your body like a tornado through a open field and never look back. First it takes your body, then your soul and finally your heart.
I'm at that point as I stand here looking out the window trying hard not to let the pain take over once again, but as I look out at the darkening sky, I loose the battle. I turn away just as the first tear falls. I stand there, still by the window but looking around at the room we once so lovingly called ours and let myself cry.
I can remember the happiness we once had, the love we once shared, the touches we once enjoyed, but the pain is so strong that it all seems a distant memory. It seems to me, like it was all a dream, and now the dream is over and I have to wake up. I try to fight the inevitable, but, once again just like with the pain, I fail.
I look over at the bed and see my suitcases waiting for me to pick them up so I can leave and start a new life, but I can't find the strength to even try, nor do I want to find it.
I turn around and look out the window once again and see that the darkening sky has opened up and is letting it's fury out on the land. As lightening is flashing through the clouds I see my reflection in the window and barely recognize myself. That is what pain does, it changes you, makes you into a different person that even you can't believe it's actually you.
I turn away once again but not because of what I've seen in the reflection but because I hear footsteps on the stairs. I sigh knowing that the time has finally come. I have to leave. I have to go away and leave all the wonderful memories that we made here together. I know, in my mind, that it wasn't always wonderful and magical here, but that doesn't matter now, what matters is that I have to leave.
As I make my way to the bed the bedroom door opens and the light is turned on. I blink in surprise and try to get my sight back and look at the figure standing at the door, waiting.
"Are you ready to go?"
He asks me this and for some reason I want to laugh. 'am I ready to go?' Of course I'm not ready to go, I never want to leave. I want to throw myself on the bed and yell and scream like a madman. I want to pretend none of this happened that we are back to where we were just a few weeks ago, happy, enjoying life.
I don't do any of this of course, I head over and pick up one of the suitcases laying on the bed. He walks over and grabs the other two and heads back downstairs. I look around once more at the room where we shared our deepest secrets and our deepest fears to one another. The room where we professed our love for each other over the years, and the tears fall once again.
"Good-bye my angel, may you be happy where you are and wear that golden halo I know you deserve. I'll always love you, you'll always have my heart and my soul."
I whisper as I stand by the bed. I stand for a few minutes waiting, waiting for what, I'm not sure, but I wait. When nothing happens I sigh and head over to the door.
I turn once more and glance around the room, our room, and then turn off the light and shut the door. I walk down the stairs and look around the house that we once shared and notice how empty it feels now. Not because the furniture and pictures are gone now and all that is left is barren space, but because your not here. The love and laughter that once bounced off these walls is no longer here.
I get to the front door and the guys are waiting for me on the porch. If it wasn't for my four brothers, I would of never gotten through any of this. I know I would of been more then happy to join my love in a final resting place, but they wouldn't let me, never left my side. I'm forever endebted to them for that, but how to repay them, I don't know.
I hand my suitcase over to Nick and he gently smiles and takes it to the car. I close my eyes to try to prepare myself for what I am about to do. I open them once again and turn and look at the house we built together. The house our love kept strong. The house your death emptied.
"Good-bye"
I whisper and then close the door for a final time. I cringe at the empty sound the echo makes through the house, it doesn't seem right that sound should be coming from our house, but without you here it fits.
I get into the car with Kevin and we head to the airport. I'm staying with him and Kristen while I 'heal'. I don't know if I even want to heal. I am not even sure I want to continue to live without you, but for the guys, I'll try.
We board the plane, Kevin, Nick, Howie, Brian and I, like we've done thousands of times before, but this time it's different, this time I'm not coming back to Florida. I'm leaving to start a new life in Kentucky, or at least try to. I watch as the landscape goes by and whisper 'good-bye' once again.
Pain. Just a little word but it can become such a big companion when your alone. I may not have the woman I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, but I have pain to keep me company until I join my 'Angel' in heaven and until then....I'll embrace that pain.
Go To: Home Page
