I sit here in a corner of the park where they can't see me but I have a good view of them. I watch him smile and his laughter floats to me on the wind making me feel more depressed then I was just a few minutes ago.
I know I should be the one with him laughing and chasing our son around the park and pushing him on the swings, but because of one night, one moment of stupidity....it's not.
I can remember the look on his face when he found out, like it was just yesterday. The anger in his eyes as he looked at me and the pain in his voice as he yelled
"How could you? And with him?"
Then after all the yelling and screaming was over-sadness replaced the anger. I looked in to his eyes, eyes that could make me melt with just a glance, were now filled with misery, all because of one night.
"I can't believe this is happening. I never thought it would happen to us" He said to me as he walked away.
He stopped at the doorway of our bedroom and turned around and looked at me, his eyes were filled with tears and his voice with emotion as he told me
"You need to leave. Pack your bags and get out. We're over..everything is over. I sure hope it was all worth it"
Then he turned and left. I heard the front door close and then he drove away.
As I packed, I cried. I don't think I ever felt or ever will feel that kind of lonliness again. I walked around the house I shared with the man I loved gathering up my belongings not truely believing this was all happening.
I finished packing and walked out of the house, locked the door and then just stood staring at the house I thought I was going to bring up our children and live a long happy life with the man of my dreams. Well I guess that was a fairytale I had developed in my mind and because of one mistake the fairytale ended and reality began.
I went to the only place I thought I could go to--him. The one person that should of been off limits, the man that should of been a friend, not a lover. I knock on the door and when he answers I see that he has been crying also. I'm not the only one to ruin a relationship because of that night.
We comforted each other that night, each knowing how the other felt. We felt misery loved company and what better company then more misery.
We didn't realize that in the days to come, more misery was going to visit and life as he knew it was going to change forever.
I found out what HE meant when he said 'everythings over' about a week after my world colapsed, well at least I thought it had, I didn't know it could get worse-but it could and it did.
An announcement was made all over the world stunning everyone, everywhere: Backstreet Boys Split. I can tell you that there was shock everywhere. Everyone wanting to know why? What happened? But no one in the band was talking and it stayed that way.
I really didn't realize one mistake could cause the break up of one of the most popular groups in the world, I guess that was another mistake I made....I didn't think.
I come back to the present when I hear his little boy yell
"Higher daddy, higher"
and then their laughter. Laughter that is like a knife in my heart everytime I hear it.
As I sit and watch him push his son, I go back again to the past and wish I could do it all over again, but that is yet another fairytale.
Right after the announcement I tried to call him and beg him not to split the group because of me. I would leave and none of them would ever see me or hear from me again. He wouldn't listen
"You weren't the only one to stab me in the back, he did it to. Don't call me again and tell him to stop. It's done and it's over. Goodbye"
He said in a cold distant voice and hung up. I knew by the tone in his voice that he meant it.
After sitting there for a few minutes I hung up. I look up just as 'my perfect mistake' walks in and he knew that I had once again called pleading for the return of BSB and of the friendship they once had. He just stood there looking at me and shaking his head.
"Give it up babe, it ain't happenin"
He told me and walked off. He was right, it didn't happen and that was 5 years ago.
I once again come back to the present and continue to watch the happy family playing in the park
"Now AJ don't swing him too high."
I hear his wife telling him. I look up at him one last time and try to take in every detail of him and put it to memory. I know this has to be the last time I watch him, I have to let go. It's past time.
I sigh and slowly get myself up off the bench and head back to my car. I am doing my best not to turn around and look at him once again but I fail. I turn around and see him put his arm around his wife and give her a kiss. He looks so happy, I can't take it any longer and get in my car.
I drive home and see that it is dark except for one light down in the basement-the studio.
I get out and manage to get in to the house without hurting myself, he hadn't even bothered to leave a outside light on for me.
I turn on lights as I move through our house and I stop at some pictures we have on the fireplace mantel. I pick one up that has me and my 'perfect mistake', as I have started to call him, why I'm not sure but it just seemed to fit, in it. I stare down at the picture that is showing us smiling, funny how you can plaster a fake smile on your face at a seconds notice.
I guess that is what we get in return for hurting the people we told we loved more then anything. Him his wife and me AJ. They have both moved on now and married others and seemed happy. We stayed together in our misery, why? I don't think either of us know.
I hear a noise behind me and I know it's him. I put the picture down and plaster that wonderful fake smile on my face and turn around
"Hi sweetie. How are you and the baby feeling tonight?"
He asks acting concerned. Actually I know he is concerned, at least for the baby, and for that I'm grateful.
"Both of us are fine Kevin." I tell him. There is a uncomfortable silence and then I decide I need to get away from him "I think I'll go and cook dinner for us" I tell him and start to walk by him.
As I walk by he touches my stomach and he smiles when he does. I move away, heck I practically run away from his touch. I get into the kitchen and touch my stomach myself with tears in my eyes....wishing so much that we weren't bringing in a wonderful, beautiful and innocent baby into our own perfect mistake.
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