Yo, da page ya a fi all a di Jamaican dem who waan fi laugh off dem backside. Jus read mi joke dem an laugh yu head off, after yu dun read dem check out mi link to one a di funniest Jamaican site pan di net.
De rich man
One day dis rich man was having a party at him
yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di
hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also
a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there
he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high
and partying next to de pool. Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and
all him fren dem look up. Him call for silence and says
"OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will
get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him
joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money
and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi
pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody
nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars,
all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks
and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi
own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but
him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging.
Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower
jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought
that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want
di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de
hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna
di pool."
Miss Maisy
A Jamaican man is sitting watching tv and his
wife comes up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan.
"Ay! Wa' dat fa?" e shouts.
"Me fine one paper inna yu pocket wid a gal name pon it, "Miss Maisy." she says.
"Wa you mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy went a race track last week and Miss Maisy is de name a de 'orse weh run ina de first race," he protests.
Two days later he is sitting watching tv again and "wack" one lick ina him head back with a dutch-pot.
"Oooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat fa now?"
Wife replies, "Yu horse deh pon di phone "!
Mango tree stoning
Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit
down a large mango right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de
stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?"
"True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh."
The first man then climbed the tree, went way
to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came
back down.
"It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling
stone fi nutten." They then began to stone the mango tree again
Jamaican Bus T'ief
Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to Waterford after a night of drinking. They have no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Trevor has an idea and says to Tony: "Go in deh and tief a bus so we can drive home and mi wi stay out ya and watch out fi di police". Tony duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Trevor is wondering what the hell he is doing so long. Eventually Trevor sticks his head around the wall and sees Tony running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What di hell you a do Tony, move it!" to which Tony replies "Mi caan find a Waterford bus anywhere Trevor!" Where upon Trevor, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "Yu stupid idiot Tony, tief a rassklawt downtown bus and mek wi get off at the T-Junction and walk di rest of di way!"
Danke like yuh puppa!
A certain staff member at a tourist resort had just started learning German and had been told to practice as much orally as possible. The staff member decided to start practising with a co-worker who had absolutely no knowledge of the language. The co-worker did a good deed one day and, in reply, the German practicer said politely "DANKE" (which means 'thank you'). The co-worker, shocked, replied loudly and defensively: "Donkey like yuh pupa!"
Jamaican Baby
A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the
bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations shower him from all around, and
many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due
to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed
20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his
Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says,
"We had him circumcised."
YARDIE & TRINI
A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee,
croissants, bread, butter& jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits
down next to him. The Yardie ignores the Trini who,
nevertheless,starts a conversation
Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"
Yardie in a bad mood): "Of course"
Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a
container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
the Jamaicans". The Trini has a smirk on his face.
The Yardie listens in silence
The Trini persits: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Yardie: "Of course"
Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We
don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all
the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and
sell the jam to the Jamaicans"
The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says
smirking
Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms
once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course"
Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in
a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
deh raas dem ah Trinidad
Patois bodderashun!
wah mek dem haffi chobble wi likkle twang?
mek dem nuh tek dem propa inglish an galang?
nuh everybady mek fi chat inglish lakka di queen
nuh everybady mek fi play golf pon put-put green
wah mek di whola wi haffi roun up wi mout
lakka seh wi deh nyaam whola trout?
lawd! mi cyaan tek dem deh sorta bodderashun!
jus undastan di patois an mek wi tan!
cho!
wen louise bennett write ar poem dem,
dem tun dem nose
all wen dem know seh dem deh laff bakka
door close!
wen olivah deh pap joke bout style an fashin
dem ak lakka seh dem nuh undastan a ting
but a dem same one deh siddung an laff
wen dem undah dem gin!
is ahright doh...mek dem tan
bikaah patois a fi wi, an' it
naah leave dis ya lan'!
Check out more Jamaican Jokes at www.everytingjamaica.com