Welcome to the Recovery Room - Jokes and Riddles

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Things To Do At K-Mart While Your Friends/Family Take Their Own Sweet Time

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay by.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Philosophy of Life

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. He picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the washing machine."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Condom Brands

Imagine if companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
M&M Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it .......
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.......
Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
AFL Condoms: I'd like to see that
Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year......
Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
TAC Condoms: Speed kills
Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
Aussie Homes Condoms: We'll save you

Dirty Jokes

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," the pharmacist answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two."

Mad Ethel fancied herself as the "Mrs Schumacher" of the Old Peoples Home and loved to charge around the place in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and cranking up even faster speeds on the corridors.

Because she was mad, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding down a corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his hand outstretched. "STOP!!!" he said in a firm voice "Have you got a licence for that vehicle?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up for inspection. "OK" and off down the corridor sped Ethel.

Taking the corner near the TV Lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP, Have you got proof of insurance?"
Once more Ethel dug into her handbag and flashed a Guinness beer mat in front of him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor near the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.
Ethel shuddered to a halt.
"OH NO!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!!!"

Louisa was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Louisa was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Louisa's grandma came around the corner.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Louisa told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"That's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary calmly replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him up there to dry."

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