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Why It's Great To Be A Male
It's great to be a bloke because:
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can appreciate great sport.
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours
without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Same job..... more pay.
The world is your urinal.
Man-bashing
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
If they all went, it would be hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How does a man show he's planned for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do much better than that."
What do men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been seen several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says. . . ."
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before you create your masterpiece.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man's conversation with God
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
More Man-bashing
He said ... I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?
He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said ... Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ... I would but you're never there.
On a wall in a ladies room ... "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it ... "I do not."
Men are like...
Men are like - Floor Tiles.
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Men are like - Bank Accounts
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like - Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like - Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like - Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like - Eskys
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like - Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like - High Heels
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like - Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like - Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like - Parking Spots
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
Men are like - Snow Storms
You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or howl long they will stay.
Men are like - Used Cars
Both are easy to get, cheap and unrealiable.
Men are like - ATM's
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like - Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like - Newborn Babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
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