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The Female Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day;
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Tim Tam
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Tim Tams in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with choc-ice topping
1 jar Nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
DIET RULES
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories;
2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet coke;
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do;
4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka);
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner;
6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes:popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes);
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up cause calorie leakage;
8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something;
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream; apples and red jelly snakes;
10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wildcard and may be substituted for any other colour;
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass;
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling!)
And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
The Female Brain
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