Welcome to the Recovery Room - Political Humour

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"In the beginning god created states and borders. And the borders were without form.

And God said let there be visas. And there were visas. And God saw that the visas, were good and he divided visa nationals from non visa nationals. And this was the first day.

And God said let there be waters between the borders and let there be immigration officers in the midst of the borders and let the waters and the officers divide peoples from peoples. And he told the immigration officers to go forth and multiply. And this was the second day.

And God said let there be passports and let these passports provide a way over the waters for some peoples and not other peoples. And the peoples denied a way he called economic migrants and bogus and illegals. Those granted a way he called Europeans, Americans, Canadians and Australians. And this was the third day.

And God said let the states bring forth housing officers and welfare officers and social workers - so that economic migrants and the bogus and illegals be denied housing, social welfare and work. And this was on the fourth day.

And God said let there be brought forth prisons, induction centres, accommodation centres and detention centres. And let the prisons and the centres be spread over the face of the earth. And the earth he called a Fortress. And this was the fifth day.

And God said let us make immigration officers in our own image. And so he gave the officers power over every living thing that moveth upon the earth and tried to moveth between the borders. And this was the sixth day.

And on the seventh day God ended his work and rested. But the immigration officers continued their work of imprisoning, excluding and deporting. And the housing officers and welfare officers and social workers continued their work of denying housing, social welfare and work.

And God said this was good".

Steve Cohen, Manchester, UK, Monday 18th March 2002

Political Meeting

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

Air My Way

Dear Airlines,

I have tried to be a good passenger. When told, I have always put my tray table in its full upright and locked position. I have always taken care in opening the overhead bins, for I know that the contents may have shifted in flight. I have always kept my seat belt buckled -- low and tight across the lap -- even when the sign was off, for I know we might encounter unexpected turbulence in flight. And I have always known where the life jackets were, in the event of a water landing.

Before I go further, though, I'd like to ask you about those water landings. Your cabin attendants used to tell me to pay attention ''in the unlikely event of a water landing.'' Now, it's just ''in the event of a water landing.'' Has a water landing become more likely in recent years? Just exactly how likely is a water landing these days? Especially between Des Moines and Denver. You have me worried.

Anyway . . .
Your problems, my money
I take what you say seriously. So I have been studying your latest changes. I realize that no longer can I use -- for a fee -- non-refundable tickets that, because of a change in plans, I didn't use on the day of the assigned flight.
I realize that now you are going to charge me $100 extra even to fly standby on a different flight on the very day I have a ticket for.
I realize you are going to charge me up to $80 if I check a third bag.
I realize you are going to charge me $20 or so if I want a paper ticket -- even though e-tickets become an enormous hassle when you cancel a flight and send me to another airline.
I realize all that.
I realize, too, that times are tough, that you are going to lose $7.5 billion this year, give or take, and that you've already gone through the $5 billion that the government gave you last year.
(Incidentally, I do have one small suggestion that might help balance things out. You might tell your vice president for silverware that when breakfast is a banana and a choice of a muffin or a croissant, we don't need two forks and a spoon along with that cute little plastic knife. No one eats a banana or a croissant or a muffin with a spoon. Or two forks.)

As I was saying . . .
Time for a little tit for tat
Because you are putting these new fees on me, not giving me any leeway, I have decided to do the same to you. Henceforth:

You must pay me $10 for every minute a flight is late for any reason other than bad weather.
You must deduct $25 if I check just one bag, $50 if I check no bags. (Or let me sell ''bag rights'' -- the way builders sell air rights and factories sell pollution rights -- to the guy behind me with the three bags.)
You must pay me $100 if a flight is canceled for any reason other than bad weather and I have to take another flight the same day. Turnabout is fair play. (Also, the payment must be doubled if you use the word ''equipment'' as a synonym for airplane -- as in, ''The equipment was late in arriving from Milwaukee this morning.'')
You must pay me $10 for every minute beyond 15 that it takes for my baggage to appear on the carousel -- and $20 for every minute beyond 30.

OK? Thanks.
Meantime, I promise not to tamper with or disable the smoke detector in the lavatories. I know that federal law prohibits that. And I promise to say nice things about you to my friends -- in the unlikely event of an on-time landing.

Sincerely,

Michael Gartner

Michael Gartner, owner of the Iowa Cubs baseball team, has been the editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing.

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