Hello my sweet girl! Happy 3 year angelversary. Mommy misses you so much. It's hard to believe you would be 2 years old now. You would be walking, talking, calling me mommy... I wish for nothing more than to hear those words from you. I love you my angelbaby. You are my heart Caia Grace. Forever and always.

All my love forever, Mommy

November 19, 2007

Hello my angel, I'm so sorry I haven't written lately. Life has just changed so dramatically. It's so hard to believe you would be almost 2 years old now sweet girl. You would be walking and talking. I would be hearing you call me mommy. That would be the sweetest sound I could ever even hope to hear. I have good news though. Mommy is getting married. I met a wonderful man who treats me the way I know you would want me to be treated. His name is Michael and he's so amazing. He knows about you and makes sure I don't get too sad when I think about you. He really does make me happy sweetie and that's the first time in a very long time that I've been able to honestly say that. Well Baby Love, I have to go for now. I wish I could celebrate your birthday with you but I know that somehow, you'll let me know you're here. You always do. I love you Caia and I always will.

All my Love Forever, Mommy

November 22, 2006

Hey sweetness. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it would have been your first here with me. It's big in our family. We're all getting together at Ma's house. All my cousins and your aunts will be there. Your little cousin Jacklyn will be there too. I wish I could see y'all play together and grow up as close and I did with her mom. Your aunt Cari found out she's having a little girl. It would have been so great to get pictures of you three girls in matching outfits. The holidays are always the hardest for me since I always have that feeling of something missing with you not being here. I wish I could put you in some cute little frilly dress with the matching headband tomorrow and tote you around to be fawned over by our family. I wish I was teaching you to walk and to talk. Instead I'm living it all in my head and wondering what if. I would give anything to have you here baby girl and I love you so much. I'm going to go now since your Aunt Mary and I are getting ready to go to Houston with your Grandmama. I love you sweet girl!

All my love always and forever, Mommy

September 16, 2006

Hi there my sweet girl! I've been thinking about you so much lately. I guess it's because of everything that happened with me and daddy. We tried to work through it baby girl but it just wasn't possible. We're so different and we both need people who will love us just the way we are. I hope your daddy finds that person who can really make him happy because the last think I would ever want was for him to be miserable forever and I know he wants the same thing for me. Your daddy just doesn't want to have anymore kids and I do. But you'll always be my first conceived and most precious baby because you are my angel. For so long I was scared to let go of him because to me it meant letting go of the other part with you but I realized something sweetheart. I realized that I will never have to let go of you because for the 10 best weeks of my life you lived underneath my heart and now for the rest of my life, you'll live in it and you'll live in your daddy's heart. He really did want you Caia. He was so scared but he loved you so much already. I know because of how he used to talk. He always said he would never let go of you and how he wanted you to sleep on his chest every night instead of in a basinett. He even talked about teaching you how to play guitar so you and him could have daddy-daughter jam sessions. He would have made a great daddy and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves you more than you or I will ever really know. It also looks like you're gonna have another cousin, or maybe even two, this April. Your Aunt Cari is pregnant. She's scared but I'm sure she'll make a great mom. It's nice to know that Jacklyn will have cousins to play with since you aren't here to play with her. Please watch over them all though. I'm sure they'll be a real handfull. Ok baby girl, I have to go for now. I love you so much sweetie and your daddy does too. Please keep him safe. I love you.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy

August 11, 2006

Hi there Baby Girl, Looks like mommy is making another big move. I'm moving home to be with my family. Daddy and I will still be together but we'll also be seeing other people. I love your daddy so much but even if we aren't together now, one day we'll all be a together as a family. I keep thinking about you. Your aunt Courtney had her baby and she's absolutely beautiful. I wonder all the time about how it would be if you and your cousin Jacklyn could grow up together the same way me and your aunt Courtney did. Y'all would be able to play together and go to school together. I wish so much you could be here sweetie. I know it's been over a year since you left us but I think about you each and every day which I'm sure you know. I think your daddy thinks about you too because I found out recently that he was telling his friend Eric about you. He wasn't ready for you baby but I know he loves you just as much as I do and that some day when he sees you, you'll finally be your daddy's little girl forever. I love you sweetheart and please watch over your daddy and me. We need you now more than you'll ever know. I love you so much Caia! I'll talk to you again soon my precious girl.

All My Love Always and Forever, Mommy

May 31, 2006

Hey Baby, Well daddy and I are trying to work it out again. It's hard but I'm trying to stay positive. You bring me my strength baby girl and I hope you know that. I can't believe you've been gone for over a year. You'd be 5 months old if you were here right now. I always wonder about you. Who do you look like? Do you have those gorgeous blue eyes that I always hoped you would because of your daddy? Do you have my smile? One day I'll find out. When the day comes I'm sure you'll be right there to meet me and we'll be together for the rest of eternity. I realized that I shouldn't be so sad about losing out on having you in my life for however long I'm here on earth because that would be selfish since I'll have eternity to be with you in Heaven. Your job was to make me realize that there really are angels. I know you're watching over me and your daddy. I hope you're watching over your cousin Jacklyn because she's kicking your aunt Courtney to death and using her ribs as a jungle gym. She seems like she'll be very rambunctious. Ok sweetie well I love you and I know you don't need me to write you these letters since I know you are watching over me but it makes me feel so much better. I love you Caia Grace.

All My Love Always, Mommy

May 1, 2006

Hey Sweet Pea, I'm so sorry honey. I tried so hard to make it work with your daddy. He just went too far this time. He's trying to tell me I shouldn't have told someone the truth about something that was very important. I just couldn't lie to this girl, that's not who I am and I can't change that. Daddy is so mad at me sweetie. You know how badly I wanted you here Caia but lately I've been so thankful you aren't because you deserve so much more than a daddy who can't stay away from alcohol and drugs. I'm so sorry baby. I wish with all my heart things could have been different. I promise you that he didn't use to be like this. He used to be so sweet. He would call me his angel. Hold me all the time. Kiss me even more. Now he's turned into someone I said I would never be with. I stay with him because he's all I have left of you. When I hug him, it's as close as I can come to hugging and holding you. Now that I've lost that I don't know what I'll do sweetie. I've lost you and your daddy, and everything is just too much for me. I hate having to be strong because I'm not hunny. I'm weak. I've always been weak and I hurt so badly that I just want for all the aching to go away. It's too much to handle. I can't do this. I love your daddy so much but he can't keep treating me like this. I hope you're not mad at me. I promise you I have tried so hard to make it work. I would wait for him forever.... he just doesn't love me. I've known for a while now. It doesn't make it any easier but I'm just so sorry if I did something wrong. I love you baby girl. I just hate that I couldn't stay with your daddy. I promise you, I'll make it up to you somehow. Someday when I am finally with you again I'm going to hold you so tightly and hug you for eternity. I love you baby girl. I need to go for now. Watch over your daddy.... he needs your love and protection so much.

Love Always, Mommy

February 14, 2006

Hi Baby Girl, It's mommy again. Well sweetie today would have been your very first Valentine's Day. I wish I could dress you up in a sweet little outfit filled with hearts and take your picture. I miss you so much more lately baby girl. Your Aunt Courtney is getting bigger and she and her baby are doing great. We think it's a boy and he's already a little trouble maker. Keep an eye on your cousin and please help keep him out of trouble. It's so hard to believe that you would be almost 2 months old by now and that I could have been holding you in my arms by now. I wish for that everyday. I want it so badly. I want to hold you and kiss you and rock you and tell you how very much I love you and the fact that I can never do that hurts so much it's almost overwhelming at times. If you were here now Daddy and I would have been preparing for your baptism. I could have dressed you in my family gown and we could have had the baptism in the church where your greatgrandfather was a minister, which is where I was baptised as well as your Aunt Mary and Aunt Madison. I love you so much sweetheart and I wish it didn't hurt so badly to think of you. It just hurts so much to know that my only baby, my daughter is never going to be here with me. That I can never take pictures of you. I can never take you to your first day of kindergarten. I can never teach you to drive. I can never see you go off to Prom. I'll never see you get married and have babies of your own and it's just so unfair. I hate those doctors for not checking my progesterone levels and doing something, anything it took to save you. I would have done anything possible to bring you into this world safe and healthy. But I guess it's like that poem I read... An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth". I love you Caia Grace.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy

January 1, 2006

Hi my baby girl, Well Christmas came and went and we actually enjoyed it. We went and visited your daddy's family. It was nice. His cousin is having a baby in March so her belly is popping out. I thought about you alot on Christmas. It would have been so wonderful to have you hear. I went to the mall and saw the cutest little red velvet dress with a white headband that I'm sure you would have looked just precious in. If you're anything like your daddy you're probably rolling your eyes at my saying that but I would have loved to dress you up for your first Christmas and taken you to see your great grandmother. Sweetie, daddy and I aren't doing so good. I want so badly for he and I to stay together but I just can't promise that anymore. He doesn't want any children and he doesn't want to get married. Had you been here he would have loved you to pieces but he doesn't want us to try to have another baby. I think he's scared he'll be a bad father because of how he was raised. I don't believe that though. I think he'd make a great daddy. I'm sure you agree since he's your's. I wish he would see that though. I wish he could see how much I love him and how much I want to be with him forever. Just remember though baby girl, even if it doesn't work out with me and daddy, no matter who we end up with, you'll always be the bond that ties us together. I think maybe that's why I won't let go of him. He's all I have left of you. When I hug him it's as close as I can ever come to hugging you, at least while I'm here on earth and I need that. I need to have that so I don't completely lose you my girl. I love you baby. I need to go for now. Just remember, you're my one, my only, my special, sweet, first baby. That's what you are and that's what you always will be. Give your great grandpa's hugs for me. Happy New Year Caia.

All my love forever, Mommy

December 12, 2005

Hey Baby Girl, Well sweetie, Christmas is coming up so fast. I found an ornament I'm getting for the tree just for you. It says "Merry Christmas From Heaven" around the edges and in the center it says "I love you all dearly. Now don't shed a tear. I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year". I think it fits the mood perfectly. You wouldn't want daddy and I to be sad and we're trying not to be. It's just very hard for me since you would have been here in a few short weeks. You were due on Christmas eve my special girl. My very own Christmas miracle. But that's what you'll always be. My special Christmas girl. Your aunt Courtney is going to have a baby come August. We're all excited.... I can't say I didn't cry when I found out though. I tried not to but I couldn't help it since it's hard to think of ever having a baby in the family and not having mine here. I'm sure you'll watch over your little cousin though and make sure he or she stays out of too much trouble. I think maybe that's what your purpose is Caia. Even though you can't be here with all of us in the physical sense, you're here in our hearts and you're watching over us. We're very lucky for that because while it must be wonderful to have children here on earth to give you joy, we have one in heaven. I'm the mommy to the most beautiful angel there has ever been and I'm proud of it. I love you sweetheart, so much. Merry Christmas Caia!

Love Always, Mommy

November 18, 2005

Sweet Girl, In a way I wish I had been able to bury you because at least then I would have somewhere I could go to feel as though I could be with you. Since I wasn't able to though this is as close as I have. I can't believe you have been gone for 6 months now. I try so hard to be happy about the impending holidays but I just can't be since by now you would be kicking me and I would have been so close to meeting you. You were going to be our little belated Christmas gift.... the best one we could ever ask for. I wanted you so much Caia. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder about you. Would you have looked like me or daddy? Would you have had your daddy's serious nature or be more laid back like me? My one major regret is never getting to hold you in my arms and just kiss you. I think in a way you're what has kept me and daddy together. We try so much harder because once you've conceived a child with someone, there's just such a special bond that forms there. I think that you would have loved the holidays like me. I sometimes daydream of what it would have been like to celebrate your first holidays. What it would be like when you got to be a bit older and you decided to wake us up at 5am with that joy in your eyes that only a child has because Santa came to visit. I think what has gotten me through this is the knowledge that while you can't spend the holidays with daddy and me, you're spending it in a very beautiful place with your great-grandfathers who I'm sure love you so much. I wish your daddy would talk about you. I want to be able to, I need to be able to. I think maybe that's his way of dealing with this though. I think it just hurts him too much to talk about you. He really did love you though sweetie. I still remember how he used to rub my belly and kiss it. Despite his worrying he really did love you baby. I hope somehow you can feel how much we both love you and how much we miss you bump. I can't help but laugh when I think of how much we called you that.... although daddy also liked to call you Cool-Mo-D. God I wish so much that you were here. I wish so much that I was buying clothes and putting together your nursery right now. It just feels so unfair Cai. You didn't even get a chance to see how great life can be. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry if this is my fault. I'm so sorry if I caused you to go away. I'm so sorry I didn't know you were there sooner so I wouldn't have taken the Depo. I'm just so so sorry. These past 6 months have been the worst of my life. Constantly wondering if I could have done anything different. Now with Christmas fast approaching all I want is my sweet baby in my arms and it's the one thing I can't have. I love you sweetheart. We both do.

Love Always, Mommy

May 21, 2005

My sweet baby girl, While I only knew you were there for a short time, it was long enough for you to leave a deep impression on my heart. And while I was scared that I wasn't ready for a baby, I loved you deeply and was excited about your arrival. Sadly, this world just wasn't ready for a baby as special as you. You will live forever in my heart and soul. I love you Caia Grace Bonner-Switzer. You will always be my first baby and my precious heavenly angel.

Love Always, Mommy

P.S. Be a good girl for Papa and Pa. I'm sure they're taking very good care of you up there until I can be there with you. Show them what a sweet girl you can be and make sure to give them angel kisses everyday. Until we meet again, all my love.