Caia's Story
I know so many women have trouble conceiving, my own mother did. She tried for my now 13 year old sister for 8 years. She went on fertility drugs, tried old fashioned things like standing on her head, nothing worked. She finally gave up, went on the pill and bam she was pregnant. 9 years later she went on the shot and again she was pregnant. I guess you could say in my family birth control is a fertility aid. I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I did but I wasn't upset. My boyfriend and I had only been together a little over a month when we found out. I wasn't worried though. I knew Ronz would stand by me and he did. I had gone on Depo Provera on April 21st. My dr didn't do a pregnancy test since I had been on the pill. I guess it didn't occur to her. I didn't feel sick so I had no idea either. On May 4th we decided to go get groceries from Walmart. While there I figured what the heck, I would pick up a 2 pack of pregnancy tests. I found some Equate ones and got them. I just figured since I never get my period while I'm on Depo I would take one a month. We went home after renting a movie and I took the test. Nothing showed up at first so I left it on the back of the toilet and went to get a drink. I came back and was about to throw it away, then I saw it. A line. A second line. I just about wet myself. I took the other test with the same outcome.... and the next 4 tests also all said positive. I went to the doctor first thing in the morning. When the nurse came in to ask what I was in for I pulled all 6 tests out of my purse and showed her. They ordered a blood test and I was told to wait 24 hours for the results. In the mean time my friends Jen and Michelle took me to Olive Garden to celebrate.... I celebrated by getting sick as soon as they brought over my chicken on angel hair pasta. Afterward they dropped me off at Ronz's house.... he and I didn't technically live together yet but for all intents and purposes we basically did since we had been inseperable since our first night together. He had just gotten off work when I got there and I had brought him back some food. He asked if I wanted any and I said I was too nauseous. He got a look of shock on his face before asking if I had taken another test.... I again pulled out all 6 and handed them to him. He sunk to the bed, his head in his hands wondering what we would do. I told him we would be the best parents that had ever been placed on this earth and that we would provide the family for our baby that we had both been denied as children (we both come from divorced homes, and we both have parents who despise and loathe eachother). We went to the dr together the next day and we were indeed pregnant. My HCG was only 14 but my dr thought it was because I was only 3 weeks along... in actuality I was about 8 weeks along. I told her my last period hadn't been since late March so she recalculated and got worried. My levels should have been much higher. She scheduled me to come in again the following Monday for a repeat test. Until then while I was worried I didn't let it bother me too much. I figured it would all be ok... it had to be. I was having a baby, my first baby, the first grandchild on both sides of the family and she was due on Christmas Eve. I knew it was a girl. I wanted a boy but I just knew it had to be a girl. We started talking about names immediately. Everything was thrown out onto the table. I liked Isabella, Rylee, and Gardenia. He said no to all of them. Then it came to me, when I was at camp about 7 years before I had a councelor named Caia. It was a gorgeous name that I loved and it wasn't common. I wanted my baby to have a name that meant something so I looked up the meaning, it meant "Happy". I couldn't think of anything that fit better. For a boy we had decided on either Mason, Maxwell or Mackenzie. I knew we wouldn't be using those though. She was Caia. Although Ronz liked to call her Bump and Cool Mo D. I'll never forget the day we went to the store and while I was looking at frozen foods he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me and just rubbed my belly. At night before we'd go to sleep he would kiss my belly, kiss me and then we'd fall into peaceful slumber. On May 9th the results of the second test were in. My HCG only rose to 17. It wasn't looking good. She wanted me to come in again 2 days later for another test. It wasn't looking good and I knew it. I went home and put myself on bed rest. I laid there for hours just talking to the baby. Telling her she had to stay because I loved her and her daddy loved her and she had so much to see. I even tried bribing her to stay by saying I'd buy her a whole stable full of ponies but I guess that doesn't work when the baby can't even see what a pony is yet. I rubbed my belly and sang to her. I refused to let her go without negotiating and fighting like hell. Finally on May 13th the results of the last HCG were in.... it was too late. My levels were down to 6. It was inevidable. I would miscarry. When the doctor called that morning with the news I was fully composed. Then I hung the phone up and broke down in sobs of pure torture. My baby was dying inside of me and there was NOTHING I could do. I wanted to scream.... I think I did. I just remember breaking down and not much more. On May 17th I lost her for good. I started bleeding and cramping. It was the worst experiance of my life. On the 19th I went to the hospital after I passed the baby. I didn't even feel anything. I had just gotten in the tub and looked over at the toilet to make sure my towel was there and then there she was. I saw her just lying on the carpet beside the toilet. I started shaking, picked her up with some toilet paper, put her in a plastic baggy and called Ronz to take me to the ER. He was at work so he sent his dad. When I got there I went to the bathroom to find a clot on the pad I was wearing. Thinking back I'm guessing it was the placenta. The dr's and nurses weren't very caring or helpful to say the least. When I got there they made me wait in the waiting room for an hour and a half before I finally got back there. The dr basically just said the miscarriage was complete and it was a "spontaneous abortion". I didn't get to speak with any councelors, I didn't get any condolences and I left the hospital with empty arms. Since that day I've thought about my girl every day. She would be a month old by now. Christmas was the hardest since I was supposed to have just given birth. I should have been sitting in a hospital bed, staring at my gorgeous baby. Instead I was sitting in a recliner at my boyfriend's grandmother's house, watching his much younger cousins playing around with their new toys. His cousin is having her second baby in May and had her baby belly popping out. I just wanted to make the world stop and my baby come back but of course that's impossible. I wonder about her all the time. Who she'd look like, who she'd be like. But luckily I have school to keep me from being completly depressed and staying in bed all day. She is my inspiration for finishing, she's my inspiration for being a neonatal nurse. I call her my Christmas girl because even though she wasn't born on Christmas, having her as my guardian angel is a Christmas present that will last forever.