I stared at P blankly, then light dawned on Planet Jenny.
"Uh, 25th."
"That’s Tuesday, right?"
"Monday."
"Monday. Okay."
"Or possibly Sunday night..."
"Bollocks," said P softly.
"… it depends on the weather for the crossing. And we know he likes to do shit like that."
"Quite."
We shared a reminiscent grin at the dramatic boy-antics of Dan, my tautly-muscled boy-toy. He has a habit of running across cities to make early trains to surprise me, scaling fronts of buildings with a bunch of flowers in his mouth, lifting me exultantly and spinning me around loudly, walking everywhere with his arm over my shoulders, insisting on carrying stuff for me, worrying about me walking home alone at night.
Getting threatened by your history, said an old voice inside me, getting uncomfortable around certain of your friends…
I raised my eyes. I met P’s and saw, really saw, knew it wasn’t a reminiscent grin my friend was sharing, but a look of fond worry in response to my facial expression. My smile stiffened and then drained. If we only get one of those moments of clarity in a lifetime it’s an extraordinary gift.
P said softly: "He’s homophobic."
"Mate," I said, "I’m homophobic."
I got a smile for that. "Yeah, okay, fair enough, but you know what I mean."
I nodded, "I know what you mean."
P took a deep breath. Looked me in the eyes. Looked down, looked up again. I had never seen my friend like this before so, before it could frighten me, I asked:
"What is it?"
"You," there was some throat clearing, "you know when after you’ve split up with someone and then people tell you what they actually think of them, and you think ‘why could no bugger have told me that before?’?"
"You know I know that coz I’ve ranted at you about that more than once and we…"
"… had a pact which you, in your love-bubble, haven’t asked to be fulfilled."
The moment persisted, heightened, thickened. We’d entered it when I’d truly opened my eyes to P’s feelings, and now it was reaching the crunching point. After this, the world will be different, no matter which way you decide. I know.
My brows creased up in the middle. I reached out towards P with my right hand, fingers splayed. P was looking at me intensely. I opened my mouth, started to breathe in.
"Hello guys! Fancy seeing you here!"
*