Going Down the Road Part One

On the movie set, principal’s office-

Alanis: *In character* First there was the episode with Mr. Wallfish’s toque in the east trough and we mustn’t forget the visiting left tenant you deked out and accosted on the tarmac.

Jay: *In character* You understand a word this hoser’s saying, Silent Bob? How the hell did she get to be principal when she don’t even speak gooder English like us Americans?!

Alanis: *In character* You boys are too bloody stupid to make the grade down in the states and your last hope is the school system of the Great White North eh. You want to get oot of grade 12?!

*Silent Bob nods*

Alanis: *In character* You better start learning what the metric systems all aboot!!!

Jay: *In character* I’ve got three words for you! Go to-

*Alanis smacks him in the jaw with a hockey stick and he falls back*

Alanis: *In character* There will be no more cuss words out of you, you potty mouth mall rat. You’re gonna learn the dual languages of my home and native land and you’re gonna savor my poutine!! Cause you’re in Canada now eh?!

Kevin: And that’d be a cut! Very nice. Ooh very nice.

Alanis: Really? It wasn’t too subtle for you?

Kevin: Subtle no, but I do think the PM’s gonna revoke your citizenship.

Alanis: Well where am I gonna hide out from 4 more years of Bush in the states. That’s why I’m here.

Kevin: That’s why I’m here. Isn’t that why you’re here Mewesy?

Jay: Oh no sir. That’s why I’m here. *He looks at Ashley* Hey how you doing?

Kevin: Craig do not this fool mack on your broad just cause he’s been in a few movies kid.

Alanis: A few bad movies.

Kevin: Exact-

Alanis: So sorry Kevin. That was out loud wasn’t it? I’m so sorry. Come on Mewesy, let’s go make out in the trailer.

Jay: For real?

Alanis: For real.

Kevin: And I cast her in two movies as God. What are you doing here sir, shouldn’t you be home writing me a tune?

Ashley: My fault. I dragged him away.

Craig: She’s uh, she’s abandoning me tomorrow.

Kevin: Oh that’s right. London calling. What are you gonna do before you leave the UK?

Ashley: See a movie in Luster Square.

Kevin: Very, very good and make sure you write this dude tons of lovey-dovey post cards. I need him in that frame of mind so he can write me a power ballad. I gotta go back to work. You, I suggest you do the same! Beat it!

Craig: Alright! Not like I’ll have anything better to do all summer right?

Ashley: Craig please. You said.

Craig: It’s a joke! It’s me. It’s joking. It’s great. It’s a great opportunity and I’ll be fine. Honest.

Ashley: Less than 24 hours from now and I’m on a plane to England.


-In the hallway, filming for Caitlin’s show-

Kevin: So I’ve always been a huge fan of Canada, obviously. Um I love your country. I like it a lot. You don’t invade other countries. You kind of hang back, try to go unnoticed so you don’t get invaded, which is very sweet.

Caitlin: Right. So um just for a sec can we talk about the movie?

Kevin: Movie? Come on man, who are you Regis and Kelly?! I mean since when does ‘signing off from planet earth, I’m Caitlin Ryan’ want to talk about the movies?

Caitlin: How do you know the sign off from my old show? No actually, why?!

Kevin: Well if you’d listened to me the other day you’d know cause I’m creepy. I told you I was a big fan! See I got a real thing for pretty girls who chain themselves to trees and say aboot.

Caitlin: Uh you are using real Degrassi kids as actors, yes?

Kevin: I do. We use real students from the school, we’re shooting in the school obviously. Very interested in keeping it real.

Caitlin: Uh and so why set the film-

Kevin: You don’t want to say the title do you? Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian Eh?!

Caitlin: Right. Why make them go Canadian?

Kevin: Um well I don’t know. If they ever needed a reason I would say that the very alluring women of the true north would make anybody thinking, man wanna go Canadian, Ms. Ryan. Yeah I’m talking about you.

Caitlin: And cut…


-In the cafeteria-

Ashley: Liberty you can buy bottles of those at the grocery store.

Liberty: Why buy them when they’re here, gratis.

Spinner: *Talking to Jay as the two of them are working* Hey you should have seen her yesterday with the mini corn. That was really gross.

*Craig walks up and sees them*

Spinner: Dot’s catering the shoot k so until summer school starts I’m here and got Jay a job too. So uh what are you having? We have prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, uh-

Craig: I’d rather eat my own liver than accept food from you two scumbags.

Jay: Manning do I need to remind you that I’m holding a big scary knife in my hand?

Craig: Yeah?! Watch your fingers.

Ashley: Did you take your pills last night?

Craig: Don’t ask me that. It’s embarrassing.

Ashley: No, that was embarrassing.

Craig: Sorry. Sorry.


-In the hallway, filming the movie-

Manny: *In character* Jay when I was born Star Wars had already been out on video for 10 whole years. You’re too old.

Jay: *In character* I know there’s laws to prevent it. I’m gonna marry that bolognia. She’s the sugar in my maple, the cheese in my poutine, the bac in my bacon.

Ellie: *In character* The ick in pathetic.

Kevin: Cut! Very nice Ellie. Ick in pathetic. Manny nice job. You…ehhh.

Ellie: *walks over to Craig* Your director wanted a real goth girl from1988, I guess.

Jay: He heard that, Marilyn Manson.

Kevin: I did and it really hurt. I fought to cast you.

Ellie: Only trying to get Morris here to crack a smile.

Craig: Why? Ash is leaving to England where she’s going to find a way cooler guy with an accent, fall madly in love and never, ever come back.

Kevin: Ugh. The angst. Thank god I’m not a teenager anymore.

Craig: It’s not funny.

Jay: That’s right. It’s, it’s pathetic. *He touches Ellie’s hair*

Kevin: Sir! What uh flirting with disaster over here is trying to say is just go already man! I don’t know what you’re doing hanging around the hallways of Degrassi all summer anyway. Just find some summer music program, Coldplay or some excuse dude, but just go hang out with your old lady in London you know? What could be better than that?? Beats this. Can I speak with you for a second? The teenage girl thing has to stop. It was funny the first time, now it’s just sick.

Jay: Sick?

Kevin: You have problems.

Jay: I know.


-In the media immersion lab-

Caitlin: Step mom alert. Minimize! Minimize!

Craig: You can’t even get to porn in here. Simpson has online officer.

Caitlin: What about travel porn?? Money shots of pigeons fowling Trafalgar Square? Big Ben in the rain?

Craig: So you don’t think me going to England’s the worst idea since…whatever my last idea was?

Caitlin: I think a summer away would be great for you actually.


-In Caitlin’s studio-

Kevin: *On the TV* I’m trying to get the Canadian flag into every shot of the movie cause I’m a really big fan of the Canadian flag. So was Mewes until he figured out it was a maple leaf instead of…the whacky.

Thomas: Uh you got something more Hollywood right? More, more dish-y?

Caitlin: Kevin is not exactly dish-y. I mean he’s uh more self deprecating. Funny.

Thomas: Funny is good. Especially when it’s coming from a bona-fide celebrity. Let’s use this opportunity okay? Take Local Heroes to a new level.

Caitlin: A lower level?

Thomas: That’s right! We’re talking the same language. *He leaves*

Caitlin: Would you uh pull something up for me? From the 3 minute mark.

Kevin: *On the TV* If you look at it, more democrats went to see Shrek 2 last year, than voted in the election, so what’s there to get excited about? Or aboot.

Caitlin: That’s going in. Don’t worry about Thomas. I’ll take the bullet. *Her cell phone rings* Hello, Caitlin Ryan? Yes this is she. What?!


-At Joey’s house-

Joey: This guy buys an SUV yesterday, top of the line, 80 plus. He comes back today, buys one for the wife!

Caitlin: Wow. Amazing for you! Not for global warming.

Joey: I know. I know, as usual you’re my conscience. But honey! Two SUV’s!!

Caitlin: Um I had a windfall today too, actually. Uh, a rep for a big, well big-ish broadcaster in LA called. They want to revive Ryan’s Planet.

Joey: Really?! From up here?

Caitlin: Down there, but um well of course I can’t accept it. Leave my family…

Joey: Your family, which includes a sexy little car magnet(?) who loves you very much. *They kiss* What an honor being asked huh?

Caitlin: Yeah…uh so Craig’s in the garage and he has something he wants to talk to you about. As a favor, try to listen?


-In the garage-

Joey: Apparently I’m supposed to be open. As in my mind.

Craig: Okay there’s this great music school.

Caitlin: In Camden.

Craig: It’s part of London. I’d be earning a credit for next year.

Joey: You want to go to England?

Caitlin: It’s just for the summer and he’s got education money in his trust fund.

Craig: Yeah Ashley’s dad is there and there are like teacher-types in my dorm. Just say yes! Just give in already. Caitlin and I have thought of everything.

Joey: Not six months ago you were hospitalized! Diagnosed bi-polar.

Craig: I’m okay now. I’m on my meds. I’ve been on them for months.

Joey: Craig no. I, I don’t feel comfortable with you being thousands of miles away from me. What if something went wrong?

Craig: Right. England probably wouldn’t even let a psychopath like me in, right? They already had what, Jack the Ripper and mad cow disease.

Joey: I’m not saying that Craig!


-In the hallway, filming the movie-

Paige: *In character* Listen girl-fiend, you and your so post-pubescent, he makes the Backstreet Boys look relevant, boyfriend can kiss my yoga-toned ass.

Jay: *In character* Listen lady! There’s some place’s I won’t even put my mouth.

Kevin: And that’d be a cut! Thank god. That will bring us out of the scene people and Paige…

Paige: Yes Mr. Smith? Did you love me? Did you really, really love me?

Kevin: Oh love’s not the word hon. That’s a wrap for you today. Thank you. You were very uh...you were very. *He turns to Jay & Ellie* You guys are good. Really good. Let’s do the next one.

*He sees Caitlin*

Kevin: Oh my god. Lady you are just flat out haunting me. You hang out on my set any longer I may have to give you lines, put you in the movie.

Jay: She better not get more lines than me sir.

Kevin: Don’t worry dude, the movie’s not called Caitlin and Silent Bob

Jay: Oh but that’s the movie you want to make!

Kevin: Oh I bet!

Jay: X-rated version.

Kevin: Well that was awkward. How are you?

Caitlin: Great. I got a call last night from um, LA.

Kevin: *gasps* A call from LA?! No, I don’t believe it!

Caitlin: So I just wanted to thank you for setting it up.

Kevin: No need to thank me.

Caitlin: Well I do because um, I said no.

Kevin: Um no? Wait, no? You didn’t, you can’t say no.

Caitlin: I have a family. I have my own show. I mean I can’t just take off to LA!

Kevin: Not for nothing, but you got to go back to acting globally. Never mind all this local stuff. It’s just heartbreaking to see you sitting around cobbling together puff pieces about visiting D-grade celebrities. It’s beneath you.

Caitlin: D-grade celebrities?

Kevin: Yeah.

Caitlin: Like you? *She leaves*

Kevin: Wait.

Jay: I’m at least a C-grade celebrity though.


-At Caitlin’s studio-

Thomas: Sorry Caitlin. We’re locking you out of the edit suite on this one.

Caitlin: What?! You’re taking the Kevin Smith spot away from me?

Thomas: Yeah. I want celebrity gossip alright? Even non-celebrity gossip. Hell if this guy spent the whole segment talking about his gay dog, it’d be more enjoyable than this.

Caitlin: What?! It’s his process as a filmmaker!

Thomas: Yeah and I’m not laughing alright? I’m not hearing anything about Bennifer!

Caitlin: Every time I hand something in to you, you rip it apart or you change it!! Why?!

Thomas: Why? You tell me Caitlin. This isn’t Ryan’s World.

Caitlin: Ryan’s Planet!

Thomas: Or that. It’s Local Heroes!

Caitlin: I quit.


-At the movie theatres, Craig is playing his guitar-

Craig: Yeah so it still needs lyrics, but what do you think?

Jimmy: It’s good. It’s good. I got something for you: Ashley please don’t go. Please don’t leave me. Don’t fall in love with an ugly Limey.

Craig: Shut up.

Jimmy: Okay you can’t throw fries at a kid in a wheelchair.

Joey: Craig.

Craig: Let’s go get our seats.

Joey: Craig listen. I know you thought I was being offensive but honestly I wasn’t trying to hurt you.

Craig: Yeah well you did! I mean why do I take the stupid pills?! You don’t believe I’m better.

Joey: *Holds out a plane ticket* There are conditions though. I will be calling the school to disclose your illness, I want you to call me every day especially if something doesn’t feel right and I want Mr. Kerwin to keep an eye on you too.

Craig: Yeah. Everything. Anything. I can handle it! I can. Really.


-Outside Ashley’s house, Craig helps Ashley with her luggage-

Craig: Hey! What you got in here?

Ashley: Every shoe I own. Hey. *They kiss* You know I thought this whole goodbye thing was gonna be so hard. I’m so glad you’re here and you surprised me.

Craig: Parting is so not sweet sorrow. *He shows her the ticket* I’m uh coming. Tomorrow, but since it’s the red eye I’ll be in London the day after that.

Ashley: You’re just flying to London?

Craig: It’s what planes are for.

Ashley: You can’t follow me to England.

Craig: Ash come on.

Ashley: Look why are you here doing this? Are you off your meds?

Craig: No I’m not off my meds. I’m here cause I love you and I have plans.

Ashley: Yeah so do I Craig and you said you were okay with them. You said it repeatedly, so what is this?!

Craig: This is me trying to figure out how we’re gonna spend the summer together. You think I’m having an episode!

Ashley: I don’t know what to think. Look I need space. I need to get away.

Craig: Oh! Okay.

Ashley: From you. Look Craig, I love you, but ever since my dad’s wedding it’s just been me worrying, me watching for signs, watching what I say.

Craig: Why won’t you just believe me? I’m better now. I’m okay. I am.

Ashley: E-mail me okay? I’ll see you in September.


-At a bar-

Caitlin: Says it’s Local Heroes like, like it’s actually a good title.

Kevin: It’s the single worst title since Hope Floats.

Caitlin: Thank you!

Kevin: Yeah.

Caitlin: Yeah cause you think he’d want to add some substance to his crappy, unoriginal idea of a show. If he was here right now I would throw this drink with the ice cubes in his face!

Kevin: Listen to you man, right on! This is the Caitlin Ryan I remember. The Caitlin Ryan from the DVDs, Ryan’s Planet! That Caitlin Ryan.

Caitlin: No this is the Caitlin that produces fluff, like camping trips and high school blood drives and I need another drink!

Kevin: No hun you don’t need another drink, you know? I need about 10 drinks to get to whatever plane you’re on right now.

Caitlin: Uh huh. So who’s on Kevin’s plane anywho?

Kevin: Is that your very drunk charming way of asking me if I’m involved with anybody Ms. Ryan?!

Caitlin: No!

Kevin: No?!

Caitlin: I’m just actually asking if you’re gay.

Kevin: Gay?! No I’m not gay! Is that what you think?! Heavens no. Why do I come off as gay? Cause I thought-

Caitlin: A little.

Kevin: Do I really? Right on. Good to know. No, No I’m very into chicks actually. I like chicks quite a bit.

Caitlin: So why aren’t you married?

Kevin: Well I think I’ve just always been waiting for that one woman who I like to refer to as the iris.

Caitlin: Oh my god you’re engaged to a woman named Iris and I’m sitting here hitting on you?

Kevin: No hun, no. Calm down. It’s…boy are you drunk. You know what it means to iris in? No. You wouldn’t remember if you did. Um it’s a film term and uh it’s like at the end of a Chaplin short. You ever see one of those? When Chaplin’s walking away the camera and the images going, shrinking into a little circle, iris-ing in and I think that I’ve always kind of been waiting for that one woman that just, you know, makes me iris in. I’m sorry did you say you were like hitting on me before?

*They kiss*

Kevin: Oh my god that was so awesome.

*Caitlin grabs her purse and runs off*

Kevin: What are you alright? I’m sorry. Are you alright? I’m sorry. Are you okay? That was awesome for me. Are you-? Caitlin wait!!


-At Craig’s house-

Joey: So?

Craig: So.

Joey: So you’ve been home for half an hour, you haven’t said a word. I get it. You don’t want to tell the dad all the private details, even if that dad did pay for the plane ticket. Ashley was happy right?

Craig: Thrilled. Blissed out. Neither of us can wait ‘til I get there.

Joey: Good.

Craig: Yeah. All this excitement. Got to sleep.

Joey: Alright buddy get some rest. We got a big day tomorrow. We got to get you luggage, money belts, British pounds, tally-ho!

*Caitlin walks in as Craig walks upstairs*

Joey: Young love and not quite so young love. *Caitlin grabs him, throws him on the couch and kisses him* I don’t know what kind of love that was, but that was good!

Caitlin: Marry me.

Joey: Have you been drinking?

Caitlin: Yes. No. Yes. Just marry me!! I want to come home to you, I want to wake up with you, I want to focus all my attention on you.

Joey: I thought you’d never ask. Yes.

*Craig is shown in the washroom, looking at one of his pills, then he dumps them all in the garbage*


-Outside Craig’s, the next morning-

Joey: Hey you ready? You got everything? Your camera, passport, all my phone numbers, Ashley’s dad’s number?

Craig: Yes for the 400th time. Stop worrying.

Joey: You’re all grown up. Hey I’m proud of you, you know that?

Craig: Yeah.

Caitlin: Have a great trip!

Craig: See you in September.

Joey: Yeah.

*Craig gets in the cab*

Craig: We’re not going to the airport. There’s been a change of plans.