GOING DOWN THE ROAD PT.2

-At Degrassi, Spike is doing Caitlin’s hair for the movie-

Spike: So your big screen début huh? Are you nervous? You seem a little nervous.

Caitlin: It’s normal when you’re planning a wedding right??

Spike: What?!

Caitlin: I asked Joey to marry me and he said yes.

Spike: Congratulations! That is so amazing!! *They hug*

Kevin: Alright folks time to shoot. Shoot. Woah! This is why I came up here to shoot. Speaking of which, chance to catch Canadian chicks embracing like that.

Spike: Even if the chicks are already spoken for?

Kevin: Christine you may be spoken for, this one though…

Spike: Asked Joey to marry her. I’ve got to call Emma. Excuse me.

Kevin: Seriously?

Caitlin: Yeah.

Kevin: Um wow. I must be the worst kisser in the world cause-

Caitlin: No Kevin! No!

Kevin: Uh you know what I’m sorry I’ve got to set the first shot for the day so I’ll just, I’ll meet you out there. Hey uh Mewes!!


-In the cafeteria, Spinner sees scrambled eggs on the stove-

Spinner: Jay? Hey I’m not getting freaked out by this lame hide and seek game! I’m gonna eat your breakfast man. Hey!

*He sees someone in a hood walking and jumps on him*

Craig: My arm. Ow.

Spinner: Craig?

Craig: Spinner get off me.

Spinner: Dude what are doing here? I thought you were in England.

Craig: After the song’s done for Kevin Smith’s movie. He’s kind of bending the rules a little bit, he’s letting me hang here. Oh my eggs are done. Oh nobody knows, okay?

Spinner: Lips are uh stealed. Um dude I just want to say about Ash and the whole band thing-

Craig: Oh Spin it’s in the past. It’s like, it’s water under the bridge.

Spinner: Okay. Um she was a good contribution though. I mean she knew her stuff.

Craig: No. She was a virus. She gets her way inside. Everything’s okay for a bit then bam! She rips it all apart. I’m gonna be in the boiler room. I got work to do, but uh lips sealed my friend right?


-In the science lab, filming-

Jay: *In character* You are the ones who are the filthy potty mouths. These guys keep talking about their periodic table!!

Ellie: *In character* Mrs. Hoffman! He went into my purse, stole my tampons and did, did this!

*Kevin turns around with tampons in his nose*

Kevin: Uh Mrs. Joey that’d be your line hun.

Caitlin: Sorry! Brain-dead over here.

Kevin: I would not disagree with you. Cut! We’ll be going again kids.

Ellie: Um can you take your hand off my knee?

Jay: What? What oh? What was that doing there? Naughty. Naughty you!


-In the boiler room, Craig is trying to -

Craig: *singing* Never be a single place. There’ll never be a single place. I can see your face, but I know from…I know from fate.


-In the science lab, filming-

Slate girl: Take 35.

Caitlin: *In character* Have you heard about the old fashioned Cajun, Canad-

Kevin: Wrong! Cut.

Slate girl: Take 36.

Caitlin: *In character* Have you heard about the good old fashioned Canadian strap Jason?

Kevin: Okay cut. It’s not Jason. That’s his name in real life. It’s Jay in the movie. It’s three lines. Can you get through three lines?

Caitlin: I know my lines Kevin! I’m just, after 36 takes I’m a little bit flustered.

Kevin: You know what? I’m a little bit flustered and I would almost rather have anyone else in this room do the part except you. As a matter of fact, hey uh slate girl why don’t you jump in there and do the part.

Slate girl: Do I get paid?

Jay: Even better than that. You swing by my trailer, we’ll do a little open mouth kissing.

Slate girl: Uh no!

Kevin: Don’t listen to this fool. It’s real easy. Just jump behind there. Start acting like you’re not up in your head thinking about wedding gowns.

*Caitlin starts to leave*

Kevin: Where are you going?

Caitlin: Maybe you should start acting like a director and not some jealous boyfriend!!

Kevin: Yeah well maybe you should try acting like an actress instead of whatever it is that TV that…she’s gone.

Slate girl: *In character* Well Jay that doesn’t cut it for me or any other woman at this school, so from this point on I want you to just stop-

Craig: Kevin? Is Kevin here?

Kevin: Cut!!

Craig: Okay the problem I was having I was writing a love song. It should be like a, like a breakup, like leaving high school is breaking up with your teen years What do you think?

Kevin: I think you got to do what you got to do. Craig what are you doing here?

*Craig rushes out of the room*

Spinner: Um Mr. Smith?

Kevin: Yeah. Oh my god who are you now?

Spinner: I’m, I’m Spinner. I’m a friend of Craig’s.

Kevin: Well Spinner, friend of Craig’s, what is Craig doing here instead of being in England where he’s supposed to be?

Spinner: He’s staying here on set. He’s sleeping here. He told me you knew that.

Kevin: I knew that? Spinner the only thing I know is that making a movie with a bunch of high school kids, way worse than making a movie with Ben Affleck. Way worse. Take one of these.

*Kevin takes some fruit from Spinner, and Spinner dials a number on his cell phone*


-In the boiler room, Joey and Spinner walk in-

Craig: Oh Kevin! Great, great, great!! Come on in! I’m still working on the lyrics! Let me just play what I-

*He sees Joey and Spinner*


-At Craig’s house-

Caitlin: *On the phone* I think you know what you can do with Tessa Campanelli’s address Nick. Oh uh that’s Joey coming in the door. Yup! Okay. Bye. Uh invite list is shaping up.

Joey: Remind me. Did I or did I not tell you that sending Craig off to England was a bad idea Caitlin?

Caitlin: Woah. Don’t make it my fault!

Joey: Oh no? It was your idea. You supported it and now he and Ashley broke up and you know what, he’s been living in the Degrassi boiler room.

Angela: Okay, we’re going upstairs.

Caitlin: Aren’t you at all curious as to why he lied? Felt he couldn’t trust you?

Joey: Trust me? I’m the only one he can trust.

Caitlin: Joey you fly off the handle!!

Joey: And you don’t think! You never have! Like up and, and quitting your job! Why?

Caitlin: Oh okay thanks for mixing up the fight Joey!! And as for Craig, Kevin and I saw what you couldn’t! His heart was breaking.

Joey: Well you know what? I am more concerned about his mind right now because it is a hell of a lot more fragile. And look if you want to consider yourself a part of this family-

Caitlin: Don’t pull the family card because if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even have a roof over your head!


-At Kevin’s trailer, Caitlin is crying-

Caitlin: You were right and you’re the only person I want to talk to.

Kevin: Come in.


-In the streets, Craig sees a bum trying to make money by playing drums-

Skinny: Hey not a free show.

*Craig pulls out his guitar*

Skinny: Uh I meant that as a donation. Not a duet.

Craig: Alright.

*They start playing together and people drop in some money.

Skinny: Beggars can’t be choosers huh. Skinny.

Craig: Craig.

Skinny: Craig I’ll tell you what, you play another hour and uh I’ll split what we rake in 50/50.

Craig: Throw in a place to crash and it’s a deal.

Skinny: Done.


-In the gymnasium, they’re filming a dance-

Caitlin: Is it Kevin now or Silent Bob?

Kevin: What brings you back to my setup Ms. Ryan?

Caitlin: Uh I just wanted to thank you for the pep talk last night and um being a friend.

Kevin: I am a friend. For now. The next time you show up in my room, 2 in the morning I’m getting to second base at least. Maybe third. Deal?

Caitlin: Deal.

Manny: *In character* Jay if you really love me than you’re gonna have to wait until I’m 18.

Jay: *In character* I’d wait forever my love. What grade are you in?

Manny: *In character* I’m a freshman.

Jay: *In character* Freshman?! Yo is there any seniors up in this piece?

*Kevin puts out his hand asking Caitlin for a dance*

Kevin: Come on.

Caitlin: Shouldn’t you be directing?

Kevin: Like I ever direct.

Caitlin: What kind of movie is this anyway?

Kevin: It’s my movie alright and in my movie Kevin Smith gets to dance with Caitlin Ryan.

*A couple ninjas jump out from the stage and Manny screams*

Jay: *In character* Oh snap. Canadian ninjas lunchbox!! Hip hip! Snoogin(?)!!

*Jay and Silent Bob start fighting the ninjas and Joey walks into the scene*

Jay: *In character* Oh sir look!

Joey: Hey hey! Sorry. I’m looking for Caitlin.

Kevin: Cut!!

Caitlin: Listen I know I should have called, but by the time I woke up Spike to let me come in and crash-

Joey: Just forget about that okay?! I can’t find Craig anywhere. I think he’s run away again.

Caitlin: What?

Joey: Look I called his friends, I called the police. I even called Ashley in London. Okay they haven’t seen him. He’s just disappeared. He even stopped taking his medication.

Caitlin: Okay we’ll find him, alright? You and me. Come on.


-In the streets-

Skinny: Three dollars and 82 cents. You know what that gets us?

Craig: These are hard times and I think with the weather and I don’t know, maybe the economy and all-

Skinny: Hey.

Craig: You want to ask him for money?

Skinny: Why ask when I could take his wallet.

Craig: Woah. We can’t just rob somebody.

Skinny: You know how much his car is worth and we can’t even afford dinner.

Craig: Wait. Skinny stop.

*Skinny punches Craig*

Craig: What was that for?!

*Craig hits him back, Skinny starts beating up Craig, then picks up his guitar*

Craig: No not my guitar! No, no, not my guitar! Please!

Skinny: Looks more like breakfast, lunch, dinner and a lot of meals after that.

Craig: No not my guitar! No! No please not my guitar!

*Joey is shown handing a picture to the police*


-At Craig’s house, Caitlin and Angie are working on missing person posters-

Caitlin: That’s perfect Angie.

*There’s a knock at the door*

Caitlin: Hey.

Kevin: Hey. Hope this isn’t being too intrusive.

Caitlin: No.

Kevin: I just had a few hours till call tonight and I felt like maybe I should stop by and see if you guys heard anything.

Angela: Craig still isn’t home.

Caitlin: We’re dying over here. Just wish we could talk to him you know? Two minutes, anything.

Kevin: Well do you think maybe a public appeal made by a Z-Grade celebrity might help in any way? It’s worth a shot right?


-At a soup kitchen, Craig is eating soup-

Craig: This is fine. This is just like home, just like my mom made. This is fine. This is fine.

Kevin: *On the TV* We need your help finding uh this teenager. His name is Craig Manning, he’s 16 years old, he goes to Degrassi Community School and he’s been missing since yesterday. This is his dad Joey.

Craig: I know that guy! It’s Kevin! Hey!

Joey: *On the TV* Craig. We all love you. Just want you back okay? Just please come home to us.

Craig: It’s Kevin Smith. I’m writing a song for his movie. It’s Kevin Smith. I’m writing a song for his movie. Here listen. *Singing* There’ll never be a single place where I feel safe, where I can escape from you! Huh do you like it? I wrote it. Yeah.

*There’s a guy at the soup kitchen that looks at the picture on the TV and recognizes Craig in front of him*

Joey: *On the TV* If anyone knows him please call 1-555-MISSING.


-Outside the school-

Kevin: So thanks for dropping me off. It was really cool of you. Sure you don’t want to hang out tonight? We’re shooting the big football game scene where Jay saves Apollonia from the soul-sucking cheerleaders of Kingsburg.

Caitlin: I should really be there for when Joey brings Craig back.

Kevin: Yeah. Joey.

Caitlin: Thank you.

Kevin: For what?

Caitlin: Everything.

Kevin: I’m sorry I have to try this again. *Goes in to kiss her*

JT: Mr. Smith?

Kevin: James Tiberius!

JT: A testy first AD wants you on set. As in immediately.

Kevin: Tell him I’ll be there in a couple. Go. Adults are talking now. That uh AD is kind of a man-eater so I’m gonna head off. Hey. Just don’t settle alright? You know for somebody else’s idea of what the real world is. You’re just far too cool a chick for that. Pick your own real world. You deserve that much.


-At the soup kitchen-

Craig: Guitar. My guitar. He took my guitar when I said!! When he knew that it was mine! *He sees Joey* Joey! Joey. Joey can help me get my guitar back can’t you Joey? Listen he stole it. My friend. No. Not my friend! Does Caitlin hate me?

Joey: Why would Caitlin hate you?!

Craig: Because I make you fight. And I run away and I, I always hurt you. Like my dad hurt me. You know my dad used to hit me? Oh but you just think I’m crazy. Everyone just thinks I’m crazy!

Joey: No I don’t think you’re crazy! You’re ill okay Craig? It’s the bipolar acting up.

Craig: You blame everything on me being crazy!!

Joey: I won’t. I won’t, I promise you. Never again okay? Just can we get you home. Craig please.

Craig: Joey. My guitar. What did I do with my guitar? Just help me find it please.


-At Craig’s house-

Joey: He’s asleep. I got him to agree to go to the police first thing and give a description of this Skinny. Who calls themselves that anyways?

Caitlin: Who calls themselves Snake or Wheels?

Joey: I just hope this guy’s neck is skinny enough for me to break.

Caitlin: He might be mentally ill too Joey! Remember that. I mean maybe he’s another lost Craig.

Joey: Oh come on! You don’t see Craig beating up strangers in the street do ya?

Caitlin: No he just beats you up at home!

Joey: Just…forget it.

Caitlin: What are we doing Joey?

Joey: Fighting. Like usual.

Caitlin: All we ever do is fight. I mean Craig’s upstairs safe and sound. How can we get married? Really. I mean I love you and Craig and Angela so much, but this it’s just…

Joey: It’s not what it should be. So are you gonna take that job offer in LA?

Caitlin: Thinking about it yeah.


-In the auditorium, filming the scene where Jay and Silent Bob

Jay: *In character* Yo Edmond Fitzgerald Secondary me and Lunchbox would to thank yous Canadians for treating us like one of yous guys. You all talk stupid but you have great beer.

Kevin: *In character* Let me just add because…heavens. But beat your blizzards or your bonome (?) de neige or your courier du bois!!

Jay: *In character* What kind of baby talk is that? That was just-

*Kevin hits Jay in the crotch and he falls over*

Jay: Dude!!

Kevin: *In character* You made me and my fawn hetero-life mate feel like a big part of your home and native land and seriously made this the best bleepin’ year of our lives. Woo!!

*Everyone throws off their graduation caps*

Kevin: Cut! Degrassi that’s a wrap!!

*Everyone starts cheering*

Kevin: *He hugs Ellie and Toby* Kids! Don’t ever work again! Thank you. Thank you for all your help

Kevin: *Hugs Manny* You! You were heaven on earth love, now get out of my way.

Jay: Sir why do you always have to get the last line in?

Kevin: Why does it bother you so much is my question.

Jay: Cause you’re always trying to upstage me! Oh look at me I’m Silent Bob!

Kevin: Oh look at this! *He hits him in the crotch again*

Jay: Dude! I took the cup off!

Kevin: And I knew that. Mr. Manning.

Craig: Kevin.

Kevin: Well remembered sir. Oh hello.

Caitlin: Congratulations.

Kevin: Thank you Ms. Ryan.

Caitlin: And now congratulate me.

Kevin: Why would I be doing that exactly?

Caitlin: Cause I said yes to the LA offer.

Kevin: No!

Caitlin: Ryan’s Planet will spin once again because of you.

Kevin: Come here.

*They hug while Joey sees them and leaves the room*

Craig: Joey where are you going? The party’s just getting started.

Joey: Home. Sorry Caitlin’s home.

Craig: We’re supposed to talk remember? It goes both ways.

Joey: *crying* I don’t want her to go.

*Craig hugs him*

Craig: I know. I know. But I’m here and Angie’s here and we’re not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.

Joey: Okay.


-Back in the auditorium-

Kevin: Folks I would like to raise a very simple toast. To Degrassi!

*Everyone is cheering and Joey and Caitlin raise a sad toast to each other*