Star Trek Parodies: HumoReps Episode Guide

Note: This was written by some guy named Warren Siegel. E-mail: siegel@insti.physics.sunysb.edu

TOS, Season 1

THE MAN TRAP

Shortly after McCoy's ex-girl-friend comes on board, a sudden rash of terminal hickeys breaks out. She gets caught in the act in Kirk's bedroom.

CHARLIE X

A strange teenager irritates everybody, so the Captain makes him an Acting Ensign.

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE

Kirk kills his best friend, destroying all evidence that his middle initial is not really "T".

THE MAKING TIME

Kirk makes love to the Enterprise, with disastrous results. Christine confesses her love for Spock, who goes running to his mommy.

THE ENEMY WITHIN

No guest stars, so Kirk gets frustated and beats himself up.

MUDDY WOMEN

The Enterprise takes on a troop of traveling mud-wrestlers. All the crewmen, including Kirk, immediately become infatuated, so Uhura dumps them all on an ice planet to cool them off.

WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Kirk finally solves his problem of lust for the Enterprise by having a scientist build him a new ship in the shape of a woman. Unfortunately, it falls in love with the food dispenser, so he phasers them both.

MIRI, MIRI

The Enterprise discovers an Earth-like planet with no adults where everybody gets a certain fatal disease as soon as they reach puberty, so Kirk risks violating the Prime Directive by giving them condoms.

DAGGER OF THE MIND

The director of an insane asylum invents an electronic aphrodisiac and tries it out on Kirk (as if he needed one).

THE CARBONATE MANEUVER

Kirk fakes out a superior intelligence, or so the Captain's Log says.

THE MENAGERIE

Spock gets out of line again, so Kirk court martials him. Unfortunately, one of the judges turns out to be one of Spock's holograms, so he gets out of it. In a one-hour flashback, Spock reminisces about the good old days when he used to smile and yell like the best of them.

THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING

Don King arranges a fight between Kirk and Worf, but the outcome is so obvious that the crew skips it to attend Picard's Shakespeare recital. Meanwhile, Kirk falls in love with a mass murderer, but her father disapproves of Kirk, so Kirk has her committed.

BALANCE OF ERRORS

Spock's father decides to get even with his son by taking over a Romulan warbird and trashing the Enterprise. The Romulans then blow themselves up to teach the Federation the meaning of honor.

SHORE ENOUGH

Kirk beats up/makes love to people from his past. (McCoy: "I'm dead, Jim!")

THE GALILEO SEVEN-ELEVEN

Spock takes the shuttlecraft to make a quick stop at a local planet to get a Slurpie, but the natives refuse to accept his Vulcan Express card.

THE SQUARE OF GOTHOS

The crew of the Enterprise is trapped by a super-intelligent being who plays pranks on them, but it turns out to be just Wesley.

ARENA

Kirk meets a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with a bad attitude. When he discovers he can't beat him up, he shoots him.

TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY

The Enterprise goes back in time again to visit the present, which is their past, but which is also our past, since this is a very old episode. Eventually they return to the future, which is their present, but is really their future, too, since an hour has passed since we started watching.

COURT MARTIAL

Kirk gets caught, so he edits the tapes.

THE RETURN OF THE ACORNS

Kirk defeats a superior computer by finding a bug in its program that had gone unnoticed for hundreds of years. As with all superior computers, as soon as its program enters an infinite loop, it immediately starts smoking and shooting off sparks until it explodes. (That's what happens when you buy a computer from General Motors.)

SPACE SPEED

Kirk gets in a fight with a 300-year-old man, tearing Kirk's tunic. This reveals that he has been getting hair transplants from his chest, so he exiles him to Fantasy Island.

A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON

Kirk finds a planet with no System Manager, where the users constantly play computer games. He again violates the Prime Directive by doing a reboot.

FLIP SIDE OF PARADISE

Spock gets the girl, so Kirk gets jealous and starts a fight. Spock beats him up, but by then he's no longer in the mood, so they leave the planet.

THE DEVIL IN THE DARK

When Kirk wakes up, he finds himself in bed with a silicon-based life form, plus a lot of eggs.

ERRAND OF MERCY

Kirk tries to save a planet from the Klingons, but they decide they'd rather have the Klingons.

THE ALTERNATIVE FACTOR

In this episode we learn that not only does antimatter have opposite physical properties, but opposite personality, too. (Well, it's totally consistent with the concept of warp drive.)

SITTING ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER

(OR: If Tomorrow is Yesterday, What Will Last Tuesday Be?) Harlan Ellison writes another time-travel story. Kirk goes back in time again. (Can't he ever go forward?) He falls in love again, but breaking up is hard to do, so he lets her get hit by a truck. Then he blames it on the Nazis.

OPERATION - ANNIHILATE

McCoy performs surgery on Spock. Spock seems OK, but realizes something may be wrong after he walks off the end of the shuttlecraft bay.

TOS, Season 2

AMOK TIME

Spock beats Kirk up again in another fit of logic. Spock's fiancee tries to have him killed to avoid an illogical divorce.

WHO THE HELL IS ADONAIS?

Kirk finds he can kill gods the same way he does computers: by talking to them until they commit suicide.

THE CHANGELING

Kirk finds that one of his illegitimate children is a robot, so Spock adopts him.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Kirk goes to a perpendicular universe, but that Spock beats him up there, too. He sure looks good in a beard, though.

THE APPLE

Kirk has trouble finding any remaining virgins, so he goes back in time to find Eve.

THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE

Kirk finally finds someone with a bigger appetite. They feed it Kirk's lunch all at once and it explodes, making the galaxy safe again, at least till Kirk's suppertime.

CATSPAW

Another alien woman falls in love with Kirk, but she turns out to be a real witch, so Kirk dumps her in the usual manner.

I, MUD

Kirk learns what his real middle name is.

METAMORPHOSIS

Kirk discovers that universal translators can not only translate languages they never heard before, but also determine an alien's sex just by the sound of its voice, allowing him to avoid future embarrassment.

JOURNEY TO BABEL

Spock's parents attend an intergalactic PTA meeting.

FRIDAY'S CHILD

The Enterprise visits another society so primitive that they've still gotten only last season's episodes. Kirk then has to teach them how dishonorable and sneaky Klingons are.

THE DEADLY YEARS

Kirk loses his toupee.

OBSESSION

Kirk does his best to stop a killer cloud, but the crew has doubts about his sanity because they think he might be confusing it with just any killer cloud. Spock gives the OK to destroy it when he realizes it is an intelligent being.

WOLF IN THE FOLD

Scotty commits rape and murder, and blames it on Jack the Ripper. Kirk gets him off Scott free by claiming that the crimes were actually committed by a being of sheer energy who was only after pantyhose.

THE TROUBLE WITH STAR TREK

is that it's not a comedy, and when it tries to be it's about as funny as a bar-room brawl or a bad pun. Besides, it's a well-known fact that quadrotriticale occurs naturally only in 137-grain bread.

THE HAMSTERS ON TRICYCLES

Kirk gets paid to do what he does best (and the other thing, too), and after he beats up his girl friend (twice), becomes ruler of another planet that fortunately hadn't heard of the Prime Directive.

A PIECE OF THE ACTION

Kirk cheats at cards.

THE IMMUNITY SYNDROME

When a planet-size alien threatens to reproduce, the Enterprise becomes a giant contraceptive.

A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR

Kirk forgets how the Vietnam War ended.

RETURN TO TOMORROW

Actually, it wasn't really tomorrow, since we now know that tomorrow was actually yesterday. Kirk beats up some gods.

PATTERNS OF FORCE

Kirk shows that he's the only one who can get away with violating the Prime Directive.

BY ANY OTHER NAME

Kirk seduces an octopus to prove who has more hands.

THE OMEGA GLORY

The crew of the Enterprise discovers that, just as human beings are an unavoidable result of evolution, so is the United States of America.

THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER

Kirk proves once and for all that the smarter a machine is, the easier it is for him to bore it to death.

BREAD AND CIRCUSES

Kirk does his best to follow the Prime Directive (for a change) in order to save an old friend who gets killed anyway by the Romans (not to be confused with the Romulans).

ASSIGNMENT: EARTH

The Enterprise goes back in time again, to the 20th century again. (This saves a lot of money on sets, props, and costumes.) An alien invades Earth, disguised as an Earthling. (This saves more money on costumes and makeup, and makes casting easier.) This was a pilot for a new show that the network liked so much they not only didn't pick it up but they canceled Star Trek besides.

TOS, Season 3

SPOCK'S BRAIN

Most memorable line: "Brain and brain, what is brain?" They brought back Star Trek for this?

THE ENTERPRISE INCIDENT

Kirk looks lousy in pointed ears. Starfleet Command orders Kirk and Spock to steal a cloaking device from the Romulans, and then never bothers to use it again.

THE PARADISE SYNDROME

Captain Kir-ok parties a little too hardy and steers the ship right into an asteroid. When he wakes up the next morning, he can't even remember how to pronounce his own name. Spock & Doc rescue him, but not until after he gets stoned again. Oh, yeah, he also falls in love again and gets another woman pregnant, so he gets her an abortion the hard way (see "Sitting on the Edge of Forever").

AND THE CHILDREN SHALL BLEED

Melvin Belli leads Kirk's nephew's band to take over the Enterprise.

IS THERE IN TRUTH NO BEAUTY?

Pulaski goes blind.

SON OF A GUN

Kirk proves he can beat up anybody, even ghosts. This earns the respect of a superior civilization.

DAY OF THE DOVE

Another being of pure energy that feeds on pure emotion. Where do they get their fiber?

FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY

(Actually, since the world was hollow, he must have really touched the ground.) McCoy finally finds a planet where the people are as narrow-minded as he is, and decides to stay.

THE THOLIAN WEB

Intergalactic spiders trap the Enterprise. Uhura finds Kirk in her bedroom.

PLAYDOUGH STEPLADDER

Kirk finally kisses Uhura. Nimoy finds an excuse to sing.

WINK OF AN EYE

Kirk finally meets a woman who is too fast for him.

THE EMPATH

Kirk makes love to Troi's great grandmother. Unfortunately, she's a bit kinky, so everyone in sight gets tortured. It's OK, though, because this allows Kirk to teach a valuable lesson to more-intelligent beings.

DEANNA OF TROI

Kirk learns about better living through chemistry when he makes love to alien royalty. He gets out of this one by claiming he's already in love with his ship, which leads to history's most unique paternity suit.

WHO DESTROYS GODS

Kirk does, of course, but he can't find any in this episode, so he looks for trouble in an insane asylum, where they mistake him for one of the inmates.

LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD

The Enterprise encounters two strange beings who are at war with each other because they are each other's mirror image, which leads to complications when they try to shave.

THE MARK OF GIDEON

Kirk discovers a planet populated completely by his illegitimate children. He solves their overpopulation problem by teaching them the true meaning of VD.

THAT WHICH SURVIVES

Killer holograms survive, unfortunately, but at least they're pretty.

THE LIGHTS OF ZETAR

The Enterprise gets attacked by another bunch of flashing lights, which wreaks havoc with traffic but saves oodles on the special effects budget.

REQUIEM FOR METHUSALEH

Kirk punches out a 4,000-year-old man, falls in love with his daughter, and talks another robot to death.

THE WAY TO EDEN

Kirk learns that flower children are really OK, just misguided.

THE CLOUD MINERS

Kirk solves prejudice with gas masks.

THE SAVAGE CURTAIN

Kirk kicks Genghis Khan's ass. (Kirk: "KHAAAAAAN!!!") This teaches a more highly advanced civilization the meaning of good, bad, and ugly.

ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

Well, most of them anyway. Quite a few got used up in previous time-travel episodes. (Or were those tomorrows?) Spock falls in love with a dead woman.

TURNABOUT INTRUDER

Kirk learns his final lesson when he switches bodies with a woman who gets him pregnant.