SEINFELD
“THE SNAPPLE
BOTTLE”
By: R. P. Phillips
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY
Jerry hears a commotion
outside in the hallway. He opens the
door to see Kramer talking to some movers as they exit Kramer’s apartment.
KRAMER
Hey thanks guys,
just put the tip on the credit card.
Whatever you guys want.
The movers leave. Kramer enters Jerry’s apartment.
JERRY
What’s going on, what’s with the movers?
KRAMER
I bought a soda fountain, like the ones you see in
restaurants.
Coke, Sprite, I got them all.
JERRY
A soda fountain, why would you need a soda
fountain for?
KRAMER
For refills Jerry!
JERRY
Refills? All you have to do is go the refrigerator
and get yourself another drink. How
hard is that?
KRAMER
No! I’m not going to live like that. You can.
You can walk back and forth from the sofa to the fridge if you want
to. But not me, all I have to do now is
push a button.
JERRY
Where did you get that anyway?
KRAMER
Over at
Richard’s fish and deli, he was practically giving them away. Plus, he gave me ten boxes filled with
plastic cups. I’ll be one soda pushing
fool.
JERRY
Well at least part of that is right.
KRAMER
Yeah, I bought three of them two.
JERRY
Three, why would you need three of them?
KRAMER
Jerry, don’t you see! I’ll have one set up in all
the major spots.
I’ll have one next to the sofa,
one in the bedroom, and the other will be in the
bathroom.
JERRY
The bathroom?
KRAMER
Well sometimes
I get thirsty while I’m in the tub.
JERRY
I’ll catch you later.
KRAMER
Are you going out?
JERRY
Yeah, why?
Kramer hands Jerry a credit
card.
KRAMER
Here.
JERRY
Is this my credit card?
KRAMER
Yeah, well I needed to borrow it buddy.
JERRY
For what?
You used it to buy the soda fountains
didn’t you.
KRAMER
I had to buy
them today, he was about to get rid of them.
So I had to buy them today.
JERRY
How could you
use my card? It has my picture on
it. Didn’t they know it wasn’t your
card?
KRAMER
Well I’d told
them we were brothers.
JERRY
Brothers? We don’t even share the same last name.
KRAMER
I didn’t tell
him we were related.
Kramer storms out and back
into his apartment. George enters.
GEORGE
What was that all about.
JERRY
Nothing. Tell me something, would you rather push or
pull?
GEORGE
Push of
course, everyone loves to push. No one
likes to pull. Who likes to pull? You have to use force to pull something, but
to push it’s like nothing is even there.
JERRY
What about
soda, do you like to pull on the tab or push on the fountain soda?
GEORGE
Pull, because
when you push on those fountains, you don’t get that whoosh sound. If you’re lucky at all you might get a fuzz
sound, but that’s the biggest. What
about you?
JERRY
Oh, I can go
either way.
GEORGE
Do you know
what I really like, the twist and pop.
JERRY
Of
course! The twist and pop, like on
those Snapple bottles.
GEORGE
You know there’s
not a day that goes by where I don’t twist and pop.
JERRY
Its like a
religion to you.
GEORGE
Hey, did I
tell you that I’m taking out that marketing woman again. You remember Cheryl, the girl who works in
my building.
JERRY
Oh, yes. How that going?
GEORGE
Good, it’s
still new and all. But she really seems
to like me.
JERRY
Because she
doesn’t know you that well.
INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT -
NIGHT
George and Cheryl are
looking over their menus. The waiter
comes over.
WAITER
Can I get you a beverage?
CHERYL
I’ll have a glass of red wine.
She gives George a devilish
smile.
GEORGE
I’ll have a Snapple.
George smiles back at her,
as her smile disappears.
GEORGE(con’t)
Will you
excuse me, I have to use the men’s room.
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT -
NIGHT
Jerry and Elaine are sitting
on the sofa, talking about Elaine’s bad date.
ELAINE
So Rick
reaches over and spills wine all over my new white dress.
JERRY
Then what did
he do.
ELAINE
Nothing, all
he did was wipe off the table, he didn’t even bother to say sorry.
JERRY
And you left
because of that?
ELAINE
Jerry, he
didn’t apologize. All he did was talk
about his job.
JERRY
Really what
does he do?
ELAINE
He works for a
food vendor.
JERRY
What, like
hostess twinkies?
ELAINE
I guess so.
JERRY
See if he
knows how they get the cream filling in one of those things. I always wondered about that.
ELAINE
Jerry, you’re
not helping me here!
JERRY
Sorry,
sorry. Well did you at least give him
the look?
ELAINE
The look? What look?
JERRY
The look. The look you give when someone annoys you.
ELAINE
You mean like
this.
She gives an evil look.
JERRY
Yes, that’s the look. Did you give him that?
ELAINE
You know, I
don’t remember. But what I do know is
that he’s going to pay for the dry cleaning.
JERRY
I guess so, I
mean red wine is hard to get out.
ELAINE
It was white.
JERRY
It was white,
he spilled white wine on you?
ELAINE
The fact is
that he was wrong, and should pay for the damages.
JERRY
Yeah, but
white wine.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
George comes back from the
bathroom.
GEORGE
Are you ready to order?
CHERYL
Oh, I already ordered for both of us.
GEORGE
What? You ordered for both of us, you don’t even
know what I wanted to order.
CHERYL
I know, but I
have a real strong feeling about you and what you might like.
George reaches for the
Snapple bottle and twisted it, only to find out that it had already been open.
CHERYL
I opened your
Snapple for you. Every time I see a
Snapple bottle, I have this incredible urge to open one. I just love it when it makes that sound.
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY
George is telling Jerry
about his date with Cheryl last night.
GEORGE
So I come back
from the bathroom only to find out that she had already ordered for me.
JERRY
She ordered
your meal for you, well what kind of deal is that?
GEORGE
I know, I
know. But it gets worse, much
worse! Not only did she order for me,
but she opened my Snapple bottle before I did.
She claimed she liked the sound of it.
It’s not a sound, it’s a pop.
Everyone knows it’s a pop.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE
Its me
JERRY
Come on up.
Jerry cracks open his
entrance door, then continues talking to George.
JERRY(con’t)
What did she order you?
GEORGE
A salad.
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
That’s it, one salad.
JERRY
That’s it, she
orders you one salad for your whole meal?
GEORGE
She claimed
she had a strong feeling about what I wanted.
Look at me Jerry. Do you feel
salad here?
JERRY
Can’t say that
I do.
Elaine walks in.
ELAINE
You ready?
JERRY
Yeah, George you coming?
GEORGE
No, you two go, I’m going to stay here.
ELAINE
What with him?
JERRY
Oh, he’s having popable problems.
INT. MONKS COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jerry and Elaine are sitting
at a booth.
JERRY
Anything new with the dress splashier?
ELAINE
No, he still hasn’t said anything.
JERRY
So I guess that’s over.
ELAINE
He wishes, I’m
definitely going to get him back for this.
JERRY
Do you think
it’s at all possible that he did not know that he spilled wine on you. After all it was white wine, he probably
didn’t even notice.
ELAINE
When you spill
something you look around. At least he
could have asked if anything got spilled on me.
JERRY
So he spills,
doesn’t ask if you got spilled on, and now you want to get him back because the
stain of white wine on your dress went unnoticed?
ELAINE
Yes!
Kramer enters the coffee
shop and sits next to Elaine. He’s
holding a plastic cup.
KRAMER
Hey, I fixed your mailbox.(to Jerry)
JERRY
What?
There’s nothing wrong with my mailbox.
KRAMER
Sure there
was, remember that day when I couldn’t get it open?
JERRY
Because you didn’t have a key.
KRAMER
Oh!
Kramer starts to drink out
of a straw. A dark liquid slowly rises
up.
JERRY
What is that?
KRAMER
Soda.
ELAINE
Soda, What happened to the rest of it?
KRAMER
I ran out of seltzer.
JERRY
So all you’re
doing is drinking the syrup, isn’t that a little sweet?
Kramer takes a sip and jolts
back.
KRAMER
A little.
ELAINE
So Jerry, what am I supposed to do with Rick?
JERRY
I don’t know,
when are you supposed to see him again?
ELAINE
He invited me
to his place tonight, so I have to think of something before I go.
KRAMER
What about one
of those sparkling grape cider bottles?
ELAINE
You mean the
ones that come in those champagne bottles?
KRAMER
Yeah, when you
get outside his door, you shake it up real good. So when he opens it.
Hallelujah, it’s going to blow!
JERRY
You’re going
to listen to soda boy here? I don’t
think that’s a good idea.
ELAINE
No Jerry, It’s
perfect. Not only will the juice get on
him, but all over his apartment.
INT. RICK’S APARTMENT -
NIGHT
Elaine is outside Rick’s
apartment door, shaking up the cider bottle.
Then knocks on his door, Rick opens door.
RICK
Hello Elaine, thanks for coming over.
ELAINE
Sure, no problem.
RICK
Would you mind
taking off your shoes, I just had the carpet washed.
ELAINE
Carpet
washed? No I don’t mind, I always say
there’s nothing better than a man who knows how to keep his carpet clean. Oh here, I brought us this.
She hands Rick the bottle.
RICK
Okay, great I’ll get some glasses.
Rick exits into the kitchen,
as Elaine goes and sits on his sofa. He
comes out with two wine glasses in his hand, and is about to open the
bottle. Elaine jolts back waiting for
it to explode. Rick opens the bottle
and nothing happens.
RICK(con’t)
Elaine, are you okay?
ELAINE
Yes, I’m uh, fine.
Rick hands her the glass and
she takes a sip.
ELAINE(con’t)
Hey, this isn’t what I brought!
RICK
I know, but I
felt the grape cider was a little to childish for us.
Elaine gives him the look.
INT. GEORGE’S OFFICE - DAY
George is at his desk and is
about to open his Snapple bottle, but stops when he hears Cheryl calling for
him. George hides his Snapple bottle
inside the wastebasket. Cheryl enters.
CHERYL
George could you help me with a fax?
GEORGE
Sure, why not.
George returns from helping
Cheryl, goes over to the wastebasket and his Snapple is gone.
SXF: POP!
Cheryl enters his office
with an opened Snapple bottle in her hand.
GEORGE
Where did you get that?
CHERYL
That nice
custodian who works here, he gave it to me.
Would you like a sip?
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT -
EVENING
Jerry and Elaine are sitting
on the sofa.
JERRY
So did you give him the look this time?
ELAINE
Yes, and he
still said nothing. But I will find a
way to get him back.
JERRY
Just keep
dating him that should be torture enough.
George enters and takes out
a Snapple bottle from his coat pocket and places it on the kitchen counter.
JERRY
Hey Snapple!
Jerry reaches for the
bottle.
GEORGE
Wait! I
haven’t opened it yet.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I had to sneak
it out of work today so Cheryl wouldn’t open it.
Jerry and Elaine just look
at each other. George goes into the
bathroom. Kramer enters and walks over
to the refrigerator and grabs a soda.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
What? I’m
getting a soda.
JERRY
Isn’t that why
you have three soda machines at your place.
Don’t tell me you ran out of seltzer again?
KRAMER
No, I just
miss that whoosh sound.
Kramer sees the Snapple
bottle.
KRAMER(con’t)
Hey Snapple.
JERRY
No wait!
Kramer pops the top and
gulps all the juice down.
KRAMER
Ahh! Okay,
I’ll see you later.
Kramer leaves as George
exits the bathroom.
GEORGE
What nerve
that woman has for opening my Snapple bottle.
If I had my way, people like Cheryl would be shot.
George picks up and looks at
his empty Snapple bottle. He gives
Jerry and Elaine the Look.
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT
- MORNING
Jerry wakes up and starts to
walk towards the kitchen. He sees
Kramer there dress in a raincoat.
JERRY
Is it raining out?
KRAMER
No, why?
JERRY
No reason.
Jerry walks through a puddle
of soda, which is seeping underneath his apartment door.
JERRY(con’t)
Is there
something wrong with you soda machine?
KRAMER
Uh, no.
Kramer tries to act innocent
and leaves Jerry’s apartment. Kramer
re-enters and starts throwing handfuls of cups into Jerry’s apartment.
KRAMER(con’t)
Here you want it, here take it!
JERRY
What are you doing, calm down.
KRAMER
I can’t
Jerry! I hate that machine. I miss the pop. You got to help me, I got three of those things and they’re over
flowing like the mighty Mississip!
JERRY
All right,
just calm down. Let me just go down and
get my mail. Then we’ll go take care of
you personal aquarium over there.
INT. APARTMENT LOBBY - DAY
Jerry walks over to his
mailbox and sees that the door is gone.
JERRY
Oh, I can’t believe this.
Newman enters the lobby
carrying his mailbag.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman.
Have you seen my mail.
NEWMAN
Yes, but we
can’t deliver it to a broken mailbox.
As a matter of fact, it’s a crime to have a broken mailbox. I’m afraid you’ll have to come down to the
station with me.
JERRY
Don’t you mean the post office?
NEWMAN
That’s exactly what I mean.
INT. POST OFFICE - DAY
Jerry follows Newman to the
post office counter.
JERRY
Okay Newman,
let’s get this over with. I don’t want
to be stuck here in your little domain anymore than I have to. So c’mon, how much do I owe?
NEWMAN
Only if it was that easy Seinfeld.
JERRY
It is that easy. How much?
NEWMAN
Fine.
$52.50.
JERRY
$52.50? Are you sure, that seems a little high.
NEWMAN
Oh, I never joke about the mail.
JERRY
Fine, here.
Jerry hands him his credit
card. Newman puts the card through the
machine, but it is rejected for being over its limit.
NEWMAN
I’m afraid
you’ll have to use another method of payment.
JERRY
What, why?
NEWMAN
It appears
that your credit card is over its limit.
Too many times at the hair salon? Pretty boy!
JERRY
Kramer!
INT. MONK’S COFFEE SHOP -
DAY
Jerry, George, and Elaine
are sitting at a booth.
JERRY
Well, than what happened?
ELAINE
Well I was
already to forgive Rick, because he turned out to be a nice guy.
She looks over at George.
GEORGE
I stopped by
after work to drop off her dry cleaning, because I got her that discount. So I took my jacket off and place it on the
sofa.
ELAINE
Yeah, he
forgot that he left his Snapple bottle in his jacket pocket.
JERRY
Snapple in the pocket huh?
GEORGE
I was hiding it from Cheryl.
ELAINE
So Rick sits
down on top of the jacket, the bottle breaks and the juice goes all over him
and on my sofa.
JERRY
He broke up with you because of that?
ELAINE
He doesn’t like Snapple.
JERRY
I guess not.
Kramer enters the coffee
shop.
KRAMER
Hey all. Jerry, you ready?
GEORGE
Where are you two going?
JERRY
He asked me to
help him move those soda fountains back to the deli.
ELAINE
Sounds like fun.
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
Jerry and Kramer are walking
towards Kramer’s apartment.
KRAMER
Look, I’ll pay you back.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah.
They hear a strange noise
coming from Kramer’s apartment.
JERRY(con’t) What is that?
KRAMER
I don’t know.
Kramer opens the door, as
they see a tidal wave of soda headed in their direction.
FADE OUT: