Act 4
The Bachelor Party
Superman: The Wedding Album
October 1996
Written by Dan Jurgans, Roger Stern, Karl Kesel, David Michelinie, and Louise Simonson
Drawn by Dan Jurgans, Jerry Ordway, Ron Frenz, John Byrne, Curt Swan, Gil Kane, Stuart Immonen, Tom Grummett, Jon Bogdanove, Barry Kitson, Paul Ryan, and a host of others.
'Superman' created by Jerry Seigel and Joe Shuster
Cut to the Ace O’ Clubs bar. Out front, a sign is posted that says ‘Closed For A Private Party’.
A motorcycle pulls up in front of it. The driver, an unshaven guy wearing a leather jacket, looks at the sign. The back of his jacket says ‘Flaming Skulls’.
GUY: Close for a private party? That bites! Where the $#*% am I gonna shoot pool?
Inside, Jimmy is sitting at the bar with a sour look on his face.
Bibbo walks over with a tray of beer mugs.
BIBBO: Mighty nice of youse ta toss dis here party fer yer buddy, Jimbo!
JIMMY: (depressed) Yeah. Great. My pleasure.
Bibbo rolls his eyes and walks away.
BIBBO: Sheesh, wotta grouch. YO! Who needs some suds?
Ron Troupe walks over to Jimmy.
RON: I couldn’t help but overhear, Jimmy. What’s wrong?
Jimmy turns to him.
JIMMY: Ron, I still can’t believe Clark and Lois won’t let me photograph their wedding! How could they toss me aside like that?
RON: This is a happy occasion, Jimmy! No whining allowed!
Just then, Pete Ross walks in through the alley door.
PETE: Hi, everyone!
Bibbo looks at him, a bit annoyed.
BIBBO: Dis here’s a private party, mac!
Jimmy moves between them and shakes Pete’s hand.
JIMMY: Ease up, Bibbo! This is Pete Ross, Clark’s old bud from Smalltown!
PETE: SmallVILLE, Jimmy! Good to see you again!
Before Jimmy can respond, the biker from out front walks in and heads towards Bibbo!
GUY: BIBBOWSKI! Mind if I crash just to shoot some 8-ball?
Bibbo walks towards him.
BIBBO: Fer crying out loud, Meat! I know yer reading abilities is limited, but like the sign says…dis here party is P-R-I-V-I-T-T! Private!
Meat slams his fist down on the bar, knocking over a few drinks.
MEAT: But the boys n’ me play pool here every Friday night! You can’t shut us out!
Bibbo points at him angrily.
BIBBO: Dis is MY bar, Meat! I can do whatever I wants to!
MEAT: When this flea trap burned down, I let you stay with me, Bibbo! This ain’t no way to repay a friend!
BIBBO: I got lice from that dump of yers! And ain’t nobody gonna call my bar a flea trap!
A few feet away Jimmy, Ron, Pete, and Commissioner Henderson watch the argument with anticipation. Pete grins.
PETE: Oh, boy! A real, live big city bar brawl!
JIMMY: Break out the bandages. This is gonna get ugly!
The next thing they know, Meat is thrown through the front window with a loud crash.
Inside, Bibbo dusts off his hands.
BIBBO: An that takes care o’ that.
Jimmy looks out the now-broken window.
JIMMY: Ah…nice move, Bibbo. But you better take it easy. Don’t forget…police Commissioner Henderson is here!
BIBBO: Aw, me and Hendy go way back! I even fought him when he was in da boxing league! He knows I’m da justice in here!
Henderson looks over at him.
HENDERSON: Watch it, pal. Friendships can only go so far.
Behind them, Inspector Dan Turpin begins to chuckle.
DAN: Hey, Commish! Remember when Bibbo took you in the second round back in the golden gloves finals?
BIBBO: One of my fav’rit memories dere, Turpin!
Jimmy begins to laugh.
JIMMY: You’re something else, Bibbo! Now let’s get on with the party! Um…anybody seen our guest of honor?
Just then, Jonathan walks in through the front entrance.
JONATHAN: You mean Clark isn’t here yet?
Everyone turns towards him.
JIMMY: Hi, Mr. Kent! Gee…I was really hoping you brought him!
Jonathan looks back towards the entrance nervously.
JONATHAN: Unfortunately, I may have brought trouble! That’s quite a nasty-looking crowd of biker types gathering outside! I thought they were going to prevent me from entering!
Upon hearing that, Bibbo’s eyes go wide in panic.
BIBBO: Aw, don’t tell me that…
Without warning, a gang of bikers, led by Meat, crash through the windows and doors.
MEAT: Move out, losers! We’re taking over!
BIKER: YEEE-HAW!
Jimmy pulls someone to the ground.
JIMMY: Get down!
Within seconds, the entire bar breaks out in a fight. The bachelor party guests start to fight the biker gang.
Bibbo lifts Meat off the ground and throws him across the room.
BIBBO: Meat, you snake! Consider yourself dead, um…meat!
One of the bikers takes a link of chain out of his jacket.
BIKER: Where’s Mr. Action? I wanna piece of…
Pete punches him out.
PETE: Wow! This is really great! Best bachelor party I ever went to!
In the center of the room, Jonathan, Henderson, and Franklin Stern just continue to sit at their table as the brawl rages on. Henderson casually continues to eat from his bowl of peanuts.
JONATHAN: Aren’t you going to do something about this brawl, Commissioner?
HENDERSON: What brawl? I don’t see any brawl.
STERN: Can I quote you on that?
HENDERSON: What quote? I didn’t say anything.
Bibbo now has Meat in a headlock, while Jimmy continues to fight.
JIMMY: Sorry this party is costing you a friendship, Bibbo.
BIBBO: Dis little t’ing? Jimbo, Mean n’ I go through dis every Friday night! We’ll be the best o’ palls come morning!
Then he smirks.
BIBBO: Course, I ain’t never gonna fergive him fer the head lice! Yuck!
Back at the table…
JONATHAN: I’m amazed at how calm you all are. Nothing like this ever happens in Smallville.
HENDERSON: Don’t worry, Mr. Kent. This is a ritual in this bar, and no one ever really gets hurt.
Franklin Stern ducks as a chair flies over his head.
STERN: Short of a fractures spine, I’m sure. Where the devil is your son, Kent? Seems that man is never around when he’s needed.
Henderson ducks as a beer bottle flies over his head.
HENDERSON: What an evening. There’s no way the ladies can possibly top this!
*****
Cut to the high-class restaurant in downtown Metropolis. Lois is sitting at a table with several friends and family, opening gifts.
She opens one and pulls out a rather suggestive piece of lingerie.
LOIS: All right, I don’t know who gave me this, but I expect an immediate confession.
Lucy laughs.
LUCY: Only if you promise to tell us what Clark thinks of it!
LOIS: Lucy! You did this!
LUCY: Of course I did, Lois! What are little sisters for?
Over at the bar, two guys are watching them.
GUY: Dude. Check out the lonely-hearts party.
Martha laughs.
MARTHA: Gracious!
Lana turns to Allie.
LANA: Pete loves it when I wear things like that.
Maggie sighs.
MAGGIE: Men. I just don’t understand them at all.
The guy at the bar walks over and looks at Lois.
GUY: Looks like you need a real present to go along with that. You know, one you can take home for the whole night.
Lois gives him a cold stare.
LOIS: Oh. I take it you’re volunteering?
He grins.
GUY: Right-o. This is your lucky night, babe.
LOIS: Look, this is a private affair. Please leave.
He grabs her by the shoulder.
GUY: Only if you come with me, baby cakes.
LOIS: (sarcastically) Ngh. You know, I’d love to come with you! Just let me get up first so I can…oops!
She sweeps her foot under the table tripping him.
LOIS: How clumsy of me! I am sooo sorry!
The guy falls face-first into the cake. All the women explode into laughter.
LUCY: OutRAGEous!
The waiter helps him up and leads him back towards the door.
WAITER: Nice try, Pauly!
Lucy smiles at her sister.
LUCY: Next to Wonder Woman, you handle yourself better than any woman alive!
LOIS: Gee. What about Clark? Do you suppose my fiancé is having this much fun?
*****
Meanwhile, Clark ran down the block trying to find the Ace O’ Clubs bar. He’s panting, running out of breath.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) Whew! Without powers, a 24-block run is tiring! Good thing the Ace O’ Clubs isn’t far away! Asked Pa to pick up my suit and bring me a change of clothes so…huh?
He notices three people gathered in an ally. They’re the same people that Lois caught on her way back to Metropolis.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) Now what?
NAGA: Blast that Lane vixen! She cost me millions of dollars worth of heroin! At least we escaped the local police! All we have to do now is find a way back to Bhutran!
CUTTER: Any ideas, Mr. Naga?
Clark’s eyes narrow.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) Naga! Lois told me all about that creep! Odds are three against one…and they’re probably armed! Do I call the police and hope they don’t escape before they get here? Or do I handle this myself?
Deciding, he runs towards them, removing his cape.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) No choice. Not for a…
He leaps into the air, kicking Cutter in the face, and wrapping the cape around the other’s face..
CUTTER: SUPERMAN!!!
NAGA: Fight! He is but one man!
Superman hits him.
SUPERMAN: Save yourselves the trouble! An entire army can’t beat me!
SUPERMAN: (thinking) Maybe I can bluff them…make them think that I still have my powers.
Superman then picks up a garbage can lid and hits the third man with it.
SUPERMAN: Do this the hard way if you want. I’ll try not to shatter your spines.
Cutter takes out his gun and fires at him. Superman blocks the bullets with the lid.
CUTTER: They say bullets bounce offa you, but I’m willing to try!
SUPERMAN: Go ahead, I have the time to waste if you do.
He throws the lid at Cutter, knocking the gun out of his hand. He then sucker-punches him in the jaw. Then he turns to Naga.
SUPERMAN: You. You’re Naga. I bet every law agency in the world wants a piece of you!
But before he can continue, the thug removes the cape from his head and picks a brick off the ground. He slams it into Superman’s back, knocking him to the ground.
THUG: Stop.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) My back!
The other two gather around the fallen hero.
NAGA: Ah. The American is more human that advertised. Kill him.
The thug raises the brick into the air, preparing to smash it into Superman’s skull.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) Lois…I’m sorry…
Before he can deliver the killing blow, a jagged piece of metal flies through the air towards him. It knocks the brick out of his hands.
They all look up at where it came from. Leaping from the sky is a man dressed in gray and black, wearing a cape and cowl. On his chest was a yellow oval, with the symbol of a bat inside.
The Batman was here.
It was just the distraction Superman needed. He punched the thug across the jaw.
SUPERMAN: Thanks. Cut it a little close, didn’t you?
BATMAN: Didn’t know time was a problem. This shouldn’t take more than a minute.
Then he joined the fight.
*****
A few minutes later…
The Metropolis police arrive, leading Naga and his men into a squad car.
NAGA: I hate America! I will never return!
OFFICER # 1: What makes you think we’ll let you leave?
Superman turns to his partner.
SUPERMAN: Give the Planet a call and ask for Lois Lane. I’m sure she can give you plenty of dirt on these guys.
OFFICER # 2: Will do, Superman.
He gets in the car and they drive away. The second they are out of site, Batman walks out of the shadows. He climbs up the fire escape, with Superman following him. Once they reach the top…
BATMAN: Shall we talk?
SUPERMAN: Up to you, Batman. You’ve never been much of a conversationalist. What’s on your mind?
BATMAN: In the past you’ve expressed misgivings about marriage. You’ve changed your mind.
SUPERMAN: Yes I have. Truth is…I’ve never been more sure of a decision in my life. Nor have I never been happier.
He looks over at Batman.
SUPERMAN: I know that feeling is somewhat foreign to you.
BATMAN: The concept isn’t.
They walk along the roof.
SUPERMAN: It took a lot for me to realize it, but there’s no doubt that Lois and I belong together. We’re better as a team than we are as individuals.
BATMAN: But she left you.
He grabs Superman by the waist and shoots a grapple-line to the next rooftop. They swing across.
SUPERMAN: She became convinced that my role as Superman was an obstacle to our relationship. Not many mates can handle the stress a life like mine can put you through.
BATMAN: I’ve noticed.
SUPERMAN: My ‘death’…my subsequent ‘trial’…she’s endured a great deal. Yet, without each other, we were both miserable. We both know for sure, now. We want to be married. And I have every confidence Lois can handle whatever comes our way.
Batman looks down towards the street and notices something.
BATMAN: I don’t doubt that for a minute.
Superman looks down and his eyes go wide.
SUPERMAN: Eh?
Down below is the same restaurant from earlier. Two waiters are carrying Pauly out the door, with Lois, Lori, and Maggie following them.
LOIS: Pigs! That’s what they are…complete and total, slime wallowing, pigs!
WAITER: Don’t worry, Ms Lane! These jerks won’t bother you again!
Lori laughs, as Lois dusts off her hands.
LORI: They picked the wrong woman to annoy this time, Lois!
MAGGIE: Too bad I can’t arrest them for something!
LORI: I guess they thought they had something you wanted, Lois!
Lois smiles.
LOIS: What I want is happiness with Clark! And to think I came so close to losing that!
The three of them walk back into the restaurant.
MAGGIE: What is this? A party or a therapy session? Let’s go back and have fun!
LOIS: Wow! My last days as a single, crusading, feminist reporter! You think Gloria Steinem will still talk to me after I’m married?
Up above, Superman shakes his head in amazement.
BATMAN: Congratulations. I think you and Lois will make the world’s finest team.
SUPERMAN: Just wish I didn’t have to worry about getting my powers back. Metropolis needs me. Strange. When I first proposed to Lois, I had lost my powers then, too. Seems history has a way of repeating itself.
BATMAN: Don’t worry. Enjoy your honeymoon. Arrangements have been made to protect Metropolis.
SUPERMAN: Arrangements? What kind of arrangements?
Batman points upwards, and Superman’s eyes follows.
He looks up, and grins ear-to-ear at the sight he beholds.
Flying above are the world’s greatest heroes, all gathered together. Green Lantern, The Flash, Wonder Woman, The Martian Manhunter, Captain Marvel, Black Canary, Green Arrow, and several others.
BATMAN: Relax. They don’t know anything about your upcoming…absence. They’ve been briefed that you’ll be gone on a…secret mission.
SUPERMAN: Thanks. It’s a big load off my mind.
BATMAN: One more thing. Your fiancée was apartment-hunting the other day and found a place she loved. Other people were interested as well, but you two were accepted as the new tenants. Congratulations, again.
They shake hands.
SUPERMAN: How…how did you know?
BATMAN: The building is owned by Bruce Wayne, who is not above doing a favor for a friend.
Superman grins.
SUPERMAN: Thank you, Bruce. That’s quite a wedding present! You better watch this nice guy stuff before it trashes your grim and gritty image!
*****
Cut to street level, as Superman sneaks into the back door of the Ace O’ Clubs bar.
SUPERMAN: (thinking) We might differ in our methods, but deep down, Bruce is a good man. Too bad I couldn’t invite him to my bachelor party!
*****
Clark walks into the bar, now dressed in his civilian clothes.
CLARK: (thinking) Ah, good. Pa left my clothes right where I wanted!
Jimmy goes up to him.
JIMMY: Clark! About time you made it! Before we go in, could I ask you a question?
Clark smiles.
CLARK: Fire away, Jimmy.
JIMMY: Why didn’t you let me photograph your wedding? I mean, I woulda done a great job!
Clark sighs.
CLARK: Jimmy, you know you can’t handle that!
JIMMY: (depressed) Can, too!
Clark smirks.
CLARK: No one can be a decent photographer AND best man, that is! Do you accept?
Jimmy’s eyes go wide in shock.
JIMMY: ME? You guys want me to be…best man? Of course I’ll do it! Wow!
Clark puts his arm around Jimmy’s shoulder and leads him back towards the party.
CLARK: Why so surprised, Jimmy? You’re the best pal a guy could want! Come on, let’s join the party.
JIMMY: (whispering) Best man! Wow…