I Wont be Home for Christmas

Rating: PG-for violence towards happy people!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, nor any of the characters from it. I also don't own the song I Wont be Home for Christmas, the rights belong to Blink 182 as well as the company, if any, that bought the song.

Note: This is my first attempt at a straight humor fic. I like the results of this one and hope you all enjoy it!

Note2: *bla bla bla* marks the song lyrics. A few of the lyrics have been changed (mostly due to not being able to tell what they were saying!) and one line has been taken out because I forgot to write it in the first time, and I think that it sounds better without the missing lyric!

Summary: What happens when Duo finally snaps, on Christmas Eve no less!

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

Duo cracked open one eye from the bed that he was trying to get some sleep in.

" 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

He sighed...

*Outside the carolers start to sing*

...Then growled in annoyance.

*I can't describe the joy they bring*

He flung the sheets off the bed (and off Heero) and angrily stomped over to the window.

*Because joy is something they don't bring me*

Heero joined Duo at the window, stifling a yawn and rubbing his eyes.

*My best friend is by my side*

Getting frantic to stop the noise, Duo looked around for a way to silence them.

*Through the roof are hanging sickles of ice*

His eyes rested on the ice sickles that could be seen from the window.

*Their whining voices get irritating*

He covered his ears to the sound.

*It's Christmas time again!*

"Duo,"  Heero shook his shoulder. "Calm down! Enjoy yourself, this only happens once a year."

Thank goodness!

*So I stand with a dead smile on my face,

wondering how much of my time they'll waste*

A vein popped out on the side of Duo's head.

*Oh, God, I hate these Satin?s helpers!*

His eyebrow twitched and, suddenly, Duo let out a savage yell/scream that made Heero jump. Heero was pushed out of the way (AKA "ran over") as Duo ran to the closet.

*And I guess I must have snapped

Because I grabbed a baseball bat*

Before Heero could recover enough to stop him, Duo was already slamming to door to outside. Screaming followed; both Duo's and the carolers.

*And made them all run for shelter!*

Duo gave a look of satisfaction as silence descended upon the area and all the carolers vanished from sight.

*It's Christmas time again!*

He sighed and turned, starting to head back into the house, and Heero. Maybe now he could finally get some sleep...

*It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand, all year*

...he shuddered; not with thoughts like that! No matter how he tried, he wouldn't be able to avoid Relena. She would visit him if he went to the moon! Insanely happy person!

*I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer*

Maybe I could scare her like I did the carolers, he thought, resting the bat against his shoulder. Then...That was as far as his thoughts got...

*Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve*

...He heard sirens in the distance.

*'Cause the cops came and arrested me*

He struggled like a madman trying to get away.

*They had an unfair advantage*

He was knocked into unconsciousness (and quiet) by a black jack.

*And even though the jail didn't have a tree*

Duo glared from a half swollen shut eye. Now he was really pissed!

*Christmas came eventually*

He heard the eerie chime of the clock as it struck midnight.

The chief of police tossed him a package that arrived while he was unconscious. He didn't get a chance to tear it open because,

*A guy named Bubba unwrapped my package!*

He didn't want to argue with a huge guy that had tally marks tattooed down his arm. He also must have had a stomach of solid rock because, along with the cake that Heero made in the time it took to get the ingredients together, he also ate a rope that had been concealed in the cake. It apparently had been provided so that he could escape, or hang himself; he would have picked the latter.

Ah, damn!

Duo collapsed on the nearest bed, exhausted and really wanting to sleep.

He felt a tap on his shoulder. With a feeling of dread, he looked over with a sinking feeling:

Bubba was smiling at him!

*I wont be home

I wont be home for Christmas

I wont be home

I wont be home for Christmas*

~Fin