O Y A S U M I N A S A I
A Yuu Yuu Hakusho fanfic
by Rowan Emrys <argento@myrealbox.com>
----------< AUTHOR'S NOTES >
I was reading up on script-writing and working on 'Glass' when my attention drifted to an interesting play by the title, "'Night, Mother". The summary seemed interesting, and I thought it might be worthwhile to try to see if I could emulate it. Since I've never read the play in my entire life, I really wouldn't know.
This is a sort-of-suicidal but definitely-death fic, where friend-kills-friend and the blah. Expect tears, so prepare your hankies ^^
Koenma-sama should be in Ningenkai now. He should be informing them that I am the host of a deadly parasite, and that I'm not going to make it. That I have at most two months before they will have to kill me, lest the parasite breeds and infects the thousands of others in Reikai. Koenma-sama thinks that it will, since it is a synthetic parasite specially bred for killing anyone from Reikai.
Koenma-sama had told me, "This parasite comes from Meikai. Several centuries earlier, there was a plague, and many died because of it. It can multiply at an appalling speed, producing six in every hour."
What I did not know was that only the queen could reproduce, and my body hosted her. The Reikai Physician confirmed it, when I went for a full medical check-up six months ago. According to him, this parasite has been dormant in my body for nearly five centuries. She should have remained dormant, that is, until I swallowed the orb of Meikai two years ago. It has been growing within me ever since, feeding greedily on my life force.
Koenma-sama said that I was hysterical when I first found out. The physician had to sedate me before I totally wrecked the examination room. Then, the physician complained that I was too calm to be considered sane when I woke up. I had smiled when Koenma-sama told me that. I did not tell him the reason behind my calmness, because the parasite told me that I would die before she can be freed from me.
I knew immediately that Yuusuke would be the one to end both our lives. And I was glad.
"Yuusuke will win then," I said.
"He won't. He'll never have the heart to kill you. Not if I overtake your body first. You're blind not to notice his obvious concern for you." Her voice had been mocking.
"You underestimate him too much."
"*You* overestimate him too much," the parasite retorted before she lapsed back to her usual silence. That had been the first and only time we had spoken to each other. I had never forgotten about the conversation, spending sleepless nights trying to figure out what she meant. But even then, I continue to misunderstand the true meaning of her words.
Am I being a martyr when I chose to die? Am I being selfish when I chose a route to my peace? Am I weak to want Yuusuke to kill me? I am not afraid of death, because I *am* death. What I'm afraid of, however, is that no one will ever remember me, that no one will know that I have been here. Nothing terrifies me more that the fact that I will be forgotten, doomed to lose my existence, because, despite what everyone says, my death will mean my ultimate loss, *my* end.
I will cease to become Botan, Reikai Ferry Guide and assistant to Reikai Investigator Urameshi Yuusuke. My existence will be nothing to the vast stretches of the various worlds. I will never again be able to fly through the pale blue skies on my trusty oar, or smack Yuusuke with it. I would never again see Kurama, Kuwabara, or even Hiei.
I am a Spirit Guide, a spirit myself. Losing the physical body is one thing, but to lose my soul is entirely different. I don't wish to live in self-misery. Like ningen females, I only wish to live happily without any regrets, but this dream floats further and further away from me each day as my final breath draws near. Whether I like it or not, I will have to die. As Koenma-sama had told me cynically, "To die as a heroine, or die as a weakling, a coward who fears too much to give up her happiness for others."
For days, I had pondered over his words. For days, I had wondered whether there was a ring of truth to them. And even till now, I could not come to a decision. I had tried many viewpoints: first, as the impartial Reikai Ferry Guide. I had failed miserably. I tried to listen to my heart, and was it any surprise that I gained nothing? I feel defeated, lost, as I border the edges of non-existence with every passing moment.
Is this my life, the life I spent hundreds of years shaping? Do I have the right to give up my own happiness? Does the parasite have the right to take mine? I have only found more questions and not a single answer to them. Koenma-sama knows nothing of my thoughts, and I don't intend to tell him either.
For six months, I kept this secret to myself. No one knew, other than Koenma-sama and the Reikai Physician. It is only out of necessity that my lord has decided to inform the Urameshi Team about my condition. I guess he was just being practical; after all, how else can he persuade Yuusuke to kill me without inflicting injuries upon himself? Though I seriously doubt Koenma-sama will tell anyone else other than just Yuusuke. He feels that it is not important for others to know.
And I am standing here in Tokyo Tower's highest level, looking down and admiring the night scenery for what might be the last day of my life. The brilliant lights of Tokyo that changes night to day, the friendly noise level that pounds in my ears... I can feel the slightest twinge of regret wrenching my heart. I will miss this world, even if all that is left of me is a fading memory. The miracles occurred are too many, too beautiful to forget or dismiss. And most of all, I will never, ever forget them, because they are, and always will be, my friends...
She stands atop the highest floor, looking both frail and strong at the same time. I am reminded of the same person I had the good luck to meet several years back. I would always remember her smiling face as she sat securely on her floating oar and introduced herself for the first time.
She is Botan, and I am not at all ashamed to admit that she is dearer to me than Keiko. I am not afraid to say that I love her, simply because I do, with a purity that I thought could never exist until this very moment, as I stare at her proud, graceful figure.
There she is, as still and quiet as a marble statue as she stares beyond. For the first time, I wonder what really does her pink irises see? Does she see the world as I do, or does she have some greater, wider vision?
<Botan is dying, Yuusuke... > These were Koenma's first words when I met him earlier today. He had explained in a voice devoid of all emotion, about Botan's present condition, as well as the fact that I will have to kill her. I remember having yelled at him for even considering that I would hurt her.
"Dammit, Koenma! There's got to be another way! You can't seriously expect me to kill Botan just like that!" The entire building shook violently at the volume of my voice, mirroring my boiling temper.
"We don't have a choice, and it is her wish after all." Koenma's voice had been near the point of breaking. I could only stare at him in shocked silence while my other senses wailed painfully in fierce denial. I had never believed that she would die one day, and even if I did, I had expected her to outlive me. It was only at that very moment when it struck me just how much I took her presence for granted.
I realised at that very moment just how much I love her, but the love I feel for her is different from the one I have for Keiko. What I feel for Botan is something that is hard to describe, and even if I put it down in words, this feeling can never be explained. It would be nothing but flat, two-dimensional words that cannot begin to express my feelings.
A sort of tranquillity looms over us, as her back faces me, a gentle night breeze blowing past us. She is still wearing her pink kimono, her impossibly long sleeves fluttering as though they are feather light. And she stands in the midst of the fluttering, swaying lightly on her unsteady footing.
I call out to her.
"Botan!"
Time pauses for a heartbeat as I watch her turn around slowly, gracefully.
I cannot help but stare at her heartbreakingly serene, knowing face. She knows why I am here. She knows what Koenma has commanded me to do. On the other hand, why shouldn't she?
"Yuusuke, you're here." Her warm smile wraps tightly around my heart like a fist, clenching it painfully. My breath stops for a moment, as I think. I don't want to do this, but I don't have a choice. I'm just standing here, trying to prolong time, to stop it entirely so that I will not have to do what I've been told to do.
And so I wait for her to make her first move. Because I know that she will have something to say. Because, no matter how calm she appears to be, I know that she has unfinished business. I am not blind. Her peony pink eyes cannot hide her thoughts, as I have learnt over the years.
As Urameshi Yuusuke.
He is here at last. I have been here all day, waiting for his appearance.
I had told Koenma that as soon as Yuusuke is ready, he should meet me at Tokyo Tower the hour before midnight. Centuries ago, I was born at this hour, and centuries later, I wish to end my life at the same time. Call it a whim of mine, but if I can, I would like to see it fulfilled.
But as I gaze into Yuusuke's eyes, I see pain, confusion, doubt, and worse, hesitance. I see in his eyes the reluctance to follow Koenma-sama's orders, and as much as I appreciate it, it is not right. He does not understand that I have made up my mind the second he called out my name. I have chosen my demise.
I am selfish. I did not choose this simply for the sake of Reikai. I have chosen it for a reason, for my own good. I want someone to remember me, to remember that I had once existed, a long time ago. And this is my chance, my death wish.
"Yuusuke, promise me... promise me that you will never forget me... " I say softly, keeping the distance between us. I know he heard my words, for the look of desperation on his face increases as seconds tick by. I force a brave smile, for both of us. Woman's intuition told me that sooner or later, one of us will break down, and the other will follow.
He stares at me with bright eyes for a long moment. Then, in a heartbroken voice, he asks, "Why, Botan? Why this? Why me?"
She has asked me not to forget her. Such a simple request coming from her, but one that holds so much meaning. And I, in turn, had asked her, "Why, Botan? Why this? Why me?"
Kamisama knows just how much she has tried to hold back her emotions. We both know full well that by coming, I have sealed her fate. Tonight is the night I will lose a very close friend. Tonight is the night she will die. Because we have chosen what paths to take. Though similar, at the end of the road, we are lost forever.
To me, she is like a book I can read and understand. Her eyes are sad and dry. But inside, she is crying because she is facing this alone. She thinks that she has no one to share her pain, but she is wrong. She does not know that I feel the same way, but then, I haven't told anyone. Not even Koenma knows that I am trying not to cry as I stand here.
"You're the only one with enough power and authority. You know that Kurama and Hiei won't do it, and Kuwa-kun is quite powerless." She pauses for effect, before continuing.
"And I chose you, Yuusuke, because I trust you."
"And I chose you, Yuusuke, because I trust you."
I say these words from the bottom of my heart. He is the only one I can trust in matters like this. Kurama would never agree in the first place, and Hiei cares very little for killing anyone from Reikai or Ningenkai, even with express permission. Kuwa-kun's powers, while it is quite high for a ningen, he will never agree to hurt me. Yuusuke is both my friend and the only person I know will consent to it, if unwillingly.
I extend my hand towards him. "Do it now, Yuusuke. I will not cry, I promise you." This is a promise that I can keep. The parasite has taken everything from me, even my tears. To cry now will be a complete waste of time and energy.
His eyes searches for something in mine, though what it is, I don't know.
For a moment, indecision fills the emptiness in his eyes, before clearing to a resolution. I smile. He has decided to put me out of my misery once and for all.
I close my eyes, and stretch out my hands, allowing the blast to fully strike me.
Because she trusts me, I am obliged to fulfil her wish. There are so many things I don't know about her, but it looks as though I will never have the chance to ask. This is the last time I am ever seeing her. I raise my hand, and locate my target.
She stands meekly by the railing. Stifling whatever sobs that threatens to escape, I yell,
"Rei-gun!"
The blasts strike me twice, both equally as powerful as the other. So this is the extent of Yuusuke's power. Now I understand why the parasite had been so afraid of him.
"You can't do this to me!" screams the parasite in complete horror. How can I resist smiling, when I have won? When Yuusuke has won? Queenie is dying, and so am I for that matter. I stumble backwards, the impact of two blasts pushing me over the railing.
When I feel empty air below me, I know that I am falling.
I can't see anymore. My body feels numb, paralysed. So this is how it feels to die. Interesting, I have never really contemplated how it feels like. And to think Yuusuke had gone through it twice.
I guess this is the end.
Sumimasen, minna-san...
Arigato, Yuusuke... and oyasumi nasai...
Oyasumi nasai, minna-san...
I have done it. She is gone, and all that is left of her is a wreath of white peony that sits in her place. I gather it in my hands, sit down and stare at it. To my complete surprise, tears sting my eyes first, then fall, drop by drop as though my sorrow will never end.
All because of the Shiko-me, Botan had to die. Because of so many factors, I had to be the one to kill her. All because of all the events that have taken place, I am crying.
Crying... what a strange term. It sounds unnatural to my ears. Maybe it's because I haven't cried since I learnt to fight.
I had thought if I became stronger, I would no longer cry. I never realised how wrong I was until today. I am crying now, openly as I rock back and forth, hugging the wreath of white peony. It is significant, because it is Botan's last words.
Botan... Peony... I will relay your message to the others...
As you have kept your promise, I will keep mine...