R E F L E C T I O N S
A Yuu Yuu Hakusho fanfic
by Rowan Emrys <argento@myrealbox.com>



----------< AUTHOR'S NOTES >

Someone on the YYHFFML once suggested that I write a sequel to 'Oyasumi Nasai', one that would express the emotions of the rest of the Urameshi Team. At that point in time I wasn't too keen on the idea, thus I didn't take the suggestion seriously. What forced this fic to coming was the fact that I had been listening to one too many hauntingly beautiful tunes from the 'Hakkenden' soundtrack. And the fact that I was facing stress from all the exams and the blah.

This fic is sort of pro-Kurama-Botan, but since the leading female is missing in action, I don't think the preference really matters.



----------< KURAMA >

You left us just like that, without as much as a goodbye. All you did was to kill yourself, and asked us never to forget you.

You left Yuusuke in tears, and the rest of us broken-hearted. You left a hole in our hearts and shattered Koenma's.

It's been six months since your passing, and I still turn around, expecting you to be on your oar, greeting me with one of your cheerful smiles.

But you're not. You're gone forever... Yuusuke made sure of that, hadn't he? He used his Rei-gun, the very powers you used to draw upon, to kill you, didn't he?

Where are you now, Botan? Where are you now? Why aren't you with us anymore?

Why didn't you tell us about your condition? Why wouldn't you let anyone help? Why did you choose to leave us?

Why? Why? Why?

Why didn't you wait for just another two months? Why didn't you seek help from me? Was living another day that unbearable for you, that you had to ask Yuusuke to kill you? Why didn't you tell anyone else that you were leaving?

Why did you have to leave us forever, breaking our hearts the way you did?

Why didn't you wait until I told you that I love you?

Botan, can you hear me? I'm saying this.

I love you.

I have loved you since the first day I saw you. I didn't realise it then, or perhaps I did. But I refused to acknowledge it, until it was too late.

You left before I could express anything. You gave up.

And I can't forgive you for that. Not then, not now, not ever.

You were always the one who encouraged us, the entire Urameshi Team. At the most crucial points of our lives, you were always there, watching us from the dark, giving us your support. You were there at the Ankoku Bujutsukai, encouraging us, giving us your strength.

Why couldn't we do the same for you? Why did you abandon us so suddenly?

You were our assistant, the Urameshi Team's assistant, our guide. You were chosen to assist us in our missions, be our support. You were never meant to die.

You were a Spirit Guide, for Kamisama's sake! You were already as formless as anyone could get. So, why did you die? How could you die?

How could you abandon us?

No, I won't forgive you for giving up. I won't forgive you for not giving yourself the chance. But I still love you.

Then, now... forever.

Did you know that after you left, the Urameshi Team split up for good? Kuwa-kun could not forgive Yuusuke and Koenma from hiding the truth, even though Yuusuke knew it only for so long. But Kuwa-kun, in his anger, was deaf to our words, our explanations.

He vowed, on the spot, to sever all ties with the Reikai, with Koenma, with the Urameshi Team. He vowed never to bother about the Reikai again, never to forgive the people who had lied to him. He didn't know that the rest of us knew nothing as well, but when we no longer felt your presence, when Koenma fell to his knees, weeping, we guessed something was wrong.

But never did we expect that to happen. Never did we expect Yuusuke to kill you. Never did we expect you to die, to leave us.

But Kuwa-kun didn't know, and he left. I haven't seen him since then. According to Shizuru -- his elder sister, remember? -- he had left the country to take up training overseas, as well as to forget about Reikai, the Reikai Investigators, or perhaps, find a way to forgive Koenma and Yuusuke.

I wish him good luck. What about you?

Yuusuke was shattered, both physically and mentally. Not even Keiko could break him out of the cycle of pain he trapped himself in. He mostly drifted for the first few weeks after your death. He lost interest in many things, his shop, Keiko and even fighting. When the time came for the Makai Tournament, he could not bring himself to attend it.

Instead, he sought refuge at Genkai's temple, isolating himself from the rest of the world.

He's changed, ever since that time. I visited him yesterday, and he asked me, "Kurama, I would like to become a monk."

Had his voice been any less serious, I would have laughed aloud.

But he hadn't been joking. His voice was solemn; the warm brown eyes have lost their twinkle. I stared at him, completely speechless. I just didn't know what to tell him.

What do you think, Botan?

Knowing you, you'd probably scream at him for being such an idiot. You would be smacking him soundly with your oar, telling him to get on with his life.

I couldn't tell him that. I lost my courage, just as I lost the chance to tell you that I love you.

Are you sick of hearing it?

Hiei hasn't stepped out of Makai ever since your death. He's now a Makai Lord and Mukuro's consort. The last I've heard of them was Mukuro's pregnant, possibly with a pair of Koorime twins.

Would one of them be a forbidden child like Hiei?

I wish them all the best.

Koenma is still the Lord of Reikai, and his schedule is more hectic than ever. He doesn't complain as much as before, almost as though he's resigned to it already. George is worried about him, and even Enma-Daioh is pressuring him to take a holiday.

But Koenma is strong-willed, just as you are, Botan. Even during his break, he's worried about Reikai. But he mentions neither Reikai nor you in our presence. He doesn't need to; his eyes tell all. His sorrow, his pain... they're as clear as glass panes.

If only we could turn back time, and return to our innocence. If only I had the power to stop you then.

But we can't. Never again will we see you.

Are you here with us? Are you here, invisible, but still watching over me?

Do you know that you're always with us, always in my heart?

I will keep the promise you asked of us, just as the others will.

I will never forget you.



----------< KOENMA >

I hate you. Why did you do that?

People say time heals all wounds, but six months have passed. My heart still aches when I remember you. When I remember your name, your face.

I can't shut the memory out, if that's what you're thinking. Are you laughing at me, wherever you are now?

Damn you.

Why did you have to choose death as your last wish? Why couldn't you have continued living for the last two months of your life? Why did you choose death?

Botan, do you hear me? Tell me why!

I close my eyes, and there you are, seated on your oar, floating before me. You smile, seemingly alive and carefree. You are free from all pain, all sorrow, all memories.

Is that really you, or am I hallucinating?

Do you know what you have done?

You're selfish and I hate you.

Do you know that you left everyone shattered? Your death destroyed the Urameshi Team, and now, Yuusuke is contemplating whether to become a monk. Kuwabara has severed all ties with the Reikai, and he's now overseas, trying to forget everything that has happened.

But he won't forget you. And neither will anyone of us, I promise you.

Do you know that Kurama loves you? You knew it, didn't you? Was that the reason why you forbade me to tell him? Was that why you asked Yuusuke to kill you, before Kurama could say those three words?

You wanted to spare others of the pain, but unwittingly, you only made it worse. You broke all our hearts, our souls.

Without you, we were lost.

Why did you have to be as silly as to take my words literally? Did it ever occur to you that I was just being defensive? That I'm naturally this gruff?

Did it ever occur to you that I wanted to be spared from the pain as well?

Why did you ask us never to forget you? It hurts so much just to remember your name.

My heart pains just to see a peony.

Damn you.

It's all your fault. You chose to die. You chose to leave us.

Did you know that Kurama might have been able to help? But you chose another path. You *died*.

I hate you.

<I'm sorry.>

You say you're sorry. I wonder whether you weighed the consequences before you chose your path. Well, did you? Or did you plunge forward like your usual self, regardless of the consequences?

Did you consider the pain that you would be putting us through? You didn't, am I right? You thought that we couldn't care less.

You. Were. Wrong.

You. Abandoned. Us.

You left a white peony in your place, telling us to take care of ourselves. Furthermore, you pushed everything to Yuusuke. Do you know what happened to him? Do you know how crushed he was, *inside*? Why didn't you think about him when you chose your demise?

Why did you have to hurt us so much?

Why, Botan, why?

When I asked you to choose, I didn't mean that you should choose to die. You had two more months! Two more months to live and you gave it up. You sacrificed it... for whom? For what? All that was gained was pain, grief, anger and nothing else. Did you believe that the Shiko-me would destroy Reikai entirely?

You're wrong. Even the destruction of Reikai would be worthless compared to your loss. Compared to the pain you put us through.

You hurt everyone whom you love, everyone who loved you, cared about you.

I hate you.



----------< YUUSUKE >

Six months. Half a year. A hundred and eighty days. Four thousand, three hundred and twenty hours.

I never knew that I was a Math genius.

You've been gone for that long. How are you now, Botan? Are you completely free? Are you completely well?

If you are, then I'm happy for you.

It's been so long since I last saw you. You asked for your release, asked me to kill you. You kept your promise, you didn't cry.

Instead, I was the one who broke down. I've been crying ever since. And I wonder why.

Botan, can you hear me? Are you with me, by my side?

All that I have of you are just memories. But they are sweet memories, sad in a way, but enough to remember you by. Do you know how sweet you looked when you smiled, when you laughed? Do you know how determined, how strong you looked when you stayed with us during the battle with Sensui? Do you know how fragile, how delicate you looked on the day I killed you?

Do you know any of these? Can you hear my thoughts? Are you there in the first place?

Why must you die? Why did I have to be the one to kill you?

Do you know what Kuwabara said when I returned home, when I announced your death? He slammed me against the wall and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me hard. I never knew that he was so strong. I did not fight back, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't find the strength.

Why? Why did your death shake me so badly that I could not bear to attend the Makai Tournament? Why am I constantly haunted by what I did?

Why can't I forgive myself?

Kuwabara's words haunt me daily.

<You're an idiot and a killer, Urameshi! I thought better of you. I thought you were better than the rest, but as it turns out, I was wrong! You're no different!>

Is he right, Botan? Tell me please! Answer me, anything!

Kurama said he loved you. Did I destroy his happiness then?

What have I done?

You thanked me when I fired that blast at you. I watched you bit back a scream. You cried out soundlessly, but the pain you suffered could not be erased from your features. Why did you still thank me?

I sense your presence around me, but I can't see you. Are you really there, or am I just imagining things?

Am I slowly becoming insane?

I hear your light giggle.

<Yuusuke no baka.>

Is that really you?

<Never give up, Yuusuke. It's not your fault.>

"Botan?"

<I chose my own path, Yuusuke. No one could have diverted it.>

But Kurama could have saved you...

<It does not matter. Just remember, it was and never is your fault.>

Your voice fades away. Botan, are you still alive? Are you still with us?

Will you always be with us, until the day when we meet again?

Botan, you must wait for us. Wait for Kurama, for Koenma, for Hiei, for Kuwabara, and... for me.

You will, won't you?

<Forever, Yuusuke. I'll wait for all of you forever,> you promise.

A cool breeze brushes past me, like lips pressing against my cheek, gentle and fleeting. Or is that you?

Laughter, like bells, sound in the air. Light, cheery and unrestrained.

Just like you, Botan.

I know the answer now.

Thank you, Botan. Domo arigato.



F I N I S
Copyright 1998 by Rowan Emrys.
argento@myrealbox.com | http://wild-child.uni.cc