Chapter One: Me
I
don't mean to stare. I don't mean to cry. I don't mean to lose... But I do it
all anyway. I stared across the classroom at Squall Leonheart. He was talking to
his girlfriend, Rinoa Heartilly about something. Rinoa. Rinoa gets everything
she wants. Everything she needs. Rinoa Heartilly, I envy you. I see Squall
laugh. I can't make you laugh, Squall, but I can help you... I don't stand a
chance. I always lose.
"Instructor." I turn. Its Seifer Almasy. I'm surprised that they even
let him back into Garden, nevermind SeeD. I sigh, and look up.
"Yes?"
"Staring at Squall again...?" Damn you, Seifer. Go
to hell.
"..." I don't say anything. He remains standing
there. "Was there something you wanted, Mr. Almasy?"
"Man, Instructor, its Seifer."
"Okay then, was there something you wanted,
SEIFER?" Damned idiot.
"Yeah, the history homework."
"I gave that out during class."
"I don't pay attention during class." I was about
to scold him, but I hear Squall's laughter. Squall is laughing... I didn't make
you laugh. I glance over at him. Hyne, I love his smile.
"Quistis!" Seifer says, poking me on the shoulder.
"...Instructor." I remind him.
"...Whatever." I sigh and write down the homework
on a small slip of paper. I hold it out to him.
"Next time pay attention."
"Tch, yeah, right." Seifer makes me angry. I could
kill him sometimes. Damn... him.
___________________________________________________________________________________
On the way to my dorm, I pass several Trepies. They wave, and
I fake smile back. Hyne, I hate them. What an embarassment. I walk into my dorm,
and just stare out the window, wondering if this is it. Is this all my life
holds?
I plopped on my bed and sighed. Alone. Why do I always end up
alone? I glance at my watch. Its now two AM. I can't sleep. I decide to go to
the training center. It's always empty lately. No one *wants* to train... Well,
besides Seifer, but he spends seventy precent of his time in his dorm...
sleeping. On my way, I decide to take the route past Squall's dorm. It takes
longer, but thats fine by me. As I walk past the dorms, I hear noises. Someone
is having sex. Heh. I wonder who. I continue walking. The noises get louder...
From Squall's dorm? No... Not Squall! No...
"Rinoaaa!" Its Squall. Damn him. For some reason, I
feel like crying. I run to the training center. There is never anyone there. I
should be okay. How could Squall do this? Rinoa... That little seductress! I
arrive at the training center and my eyes are flooded with tears. I run around
aimlessly, waiting for a Grat or T-rexsaur that I can take my anger out on.
Instead I run straight into someone. I look up. Seifer Almasy... great.
"Whoa, Instructor."
"...Its Quistis, dammit!"
"Shit, will you decide already!? What's wrong with
you?" I frown.
"What are you doing here?"
"By looking at you, probably the same reason you are
here."
"I doubt that. I really *fucking* doubt that..."
"Hey, Quistis, chill. I'm here, because pansy-ass Squall
decided to fuck poor innocent Rinoa. Fucking bastard." I frown, and realize
how close I am to him. He's holding my lower arms. I look up at him.
"...You still... love Rinoa, don't you?" He doesn't
answer.
"Sorry, I guess thats too personal..."
"N, no... I just care for her..." I felt that I had
hit a weak spot.
"Sorry."
"No, its nothing. I just came here to train... I got
upset, thats all." He says. He looks down and realizes he is grasping my
arms tightly. He lets go. I realize then we have something in common. We've both
lost something very important to us; to the other one's loss.
"So, uh, you wanna join my party?" He asks. I can
see he is uneasy.
"Sure." I say. Besides, I've got nothing better to
do.
We train for about two hours. Not two words pass between us.
Seifer. How odd...
"Seifer, you have class. Its four AM. Im sorry for
keeping you. You should go... sleep now."
"Yeah, right..." He walks out of the training
center, and I don't follow. I wait until he has disapeared, and I go to my dorm.
Seifer... we have something in common, I never would have thought. I can't
sleep. So, I just take a shower, and put on my SeeD uniform. At about five, I go
up to my classroom, and correct papers. At seven, the students come piling in. I
don't look for Squall, I look for Seifer. Once I realize that I did that, I look
around for Squall. He walks beside Rinoa, with a smile on his face. Seifer looks
tired. They all find their seats. Everything is silent. I feel quite tired
myself. Suddenly, I hear Squall chuckle. He's laughing with Rinoa. I clear my
throat and pick up a stack of papers that are the tests they'll take today.
"You're awfully happy today, Squall. What'd you
sniff?" Its Seifer. Squall turns and scowls at Seifer. I don't say
anything. I actually want Seifer to keep going. Its hard... being so close to my
students age... Even being Seifer's age.
"...Nothing." Comes Squall's reply. Some other
students look at me, as if I'm going to scold Seifer.
"Oh, well I see that you got h-"
"Seifer!" I say. He looks at me funny, as if
confused. "...Enough... you can continue this outside the classroom. You
all have a test to take." I hate my job. Seifer just looks at me, he makes
me feel guilty. Squall looks at me also... Damn them both! I toss the papers on
a student's desk and tell her to hand them out. I sit back down and let a yawn
escape me. About five minutes later, out of the silence of the room, I hear
giggles. Stupid kids... I look up. I can't see what they are giggling at. I look
at Squall, who is smiling as he writes on his test. Rinoa is giggling. I stand
up.
"Excuse me..." My voice trails off when I see what
they are laughing at. Seifer Almasy is sleeping. Whats so funny? I guess its
odd, to see someone like him sleep.
"Alright, continue taking your tests." I say.
Everyone is quiet.
At the end of the day, Squall walks by my desk. My heart
would normally start pounding... but it doesn't. Odd. I realize I don't feel the
attraction I used to anymore. Must be because of what happened last night. Hm.
Seifer walks by.
"Instructor...?"
"Quistis."
"Yeah, okay. Uh...-" A trepie walks up.
"Heey! Instructor Trepe! Instructor Trepe!" The
trepie yelped happily. Seifer scowled and walked away.
"What is it?" I ask the young women in a
semi-annoyed voice.
"I've been having these problems...." Damn, this
will take forever. I just smile, and listen though.
__________________________________________________________________________________
I walked slowly through the halls, looking for him. Why was I
looking for Seifer Almasy? Maybe because I thought we were the same... in a
sort. Then I see him. He's walking past the library, trenchcoat flailing about
behind him. I jog up to him. He turns. I wonder how he knew I was there.
"Instructor..."
"Quistis."
"...Uh, yeah, so...?"
"Was there something you wanted? I mean, I'm sorry you
were interupted... I don't like the Trepies much myself..." I shrug.
"Yeah, but nevermind."
"No, tell me."
"... I was just going to ask you... if... Hyne,
nevermind."
"Sei-fer!"
"...I'm gonna go sleep."
"...I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Keeping you up last night... You can come make-up that
test later, if you want to..."
"Yeah, that'd be great... Its not like I can afford to
fail another..."
"Actually, you are doing quite well as of late."
"Oh, well, uh, thanks Instr- erm, Quistis."
"Sure. Why don't you come by the library at ten, you can
take your test then."
"Alright. See you, Quistis."
"Bye." I walk away slowly, and go to my dorm. Thats
what I do. I teach a class, and go to my dorm. Sleep, teach a class, go to my
dorm. ...Everything is the same everyday. Why can't things change? Just once...
I want something to happen to *me*. Not Rinoa, not Selphie, not Squall... Me.
End chapter.
©
2001 by Koudelka.