Title: Better out than in ‘Lit!’ Josh’s panicked shout had Sam rushing from the kitchen, all thought of breakfast abandoned. Had Josh fallen in the shower? Was there a spider? Neither of these. Josh was standing under the steaming water, a terrified look on his face. ‘JL, what’s wrong?’ Pulling off his robe, Sam reached into the shower and turned off the water, handing Josh a towel. When Josh didn’t move, Sam wrapped the towel, still warm from the heated rail, round Josh’s waist. ‘Come on out of there.’ Keeping his voice calm, the tone light, Sam guided a clearly dazed Josh from the shower cubicle, sitting him on the toilet seat. ‘Did you hit your head?’ ‘I’ve got…there’s a…Lit.’ Josh’s voice tailed off to a scared whisper. Taking a deep breath, Sam took a tight hold of Josh’s chin, lifting his head. ‘What is it?’ ‘A lump.’ ‘Where?’ Josh’s hand went to his lap. ‘Here.’ Sam felt his own panic rising. ‘Did you just notice it this morning?’ Josh nodded, still shocked. ‘Yeah. When I was washing.’ ‘Okay. I’ll call Leo and tell him we won’t be in this morning. Then I’ll call Dr Baker and get us an appointment. Come on in the bedroom.’ Josh sat on the bed, his body rigid with fear, his shoulders trembling while Sam made the two calls, one hand resting on Josh’s thigh, hoping the contact would help. ********** ‘Mr Lyman? Dr Baker will see you now.’ The receptionist smiled politely, and Josh got up slowly. Sam stayed where he was, and Josh was almost at the door before he realised he was alone. ‘Sam?’ ‘I’ll wait out here Josh, okay.’ ‘Sam, please…’ Sam followed Josh into the consulting room. ‘Josh, it’s been a while. What can I do for you?’ ‘I found a lump.’ The doctor looked at Sam. ‘O-kay. Perhaps your friend should wait outside?’ Josh shook his head. ‘No.’ ‘Let’s take a look.’ ‘Well, I can’t diagnose what it is. I’ll make you an appointment for a few tests this afternoon. You’ll need to call into work and tell ‘em you won’t be in.’ Sam looked up. ‘I already did.’ ‘Good. Josh, there’s no point worrying until you know what it is. But there’s also no point me telling you that cos you are worried, right?’ Josh nodded mutely. Picking up the phone, Baker said: ‘I’ll call the hospital. Is your friend going with you?’ Josh looked at Sam. Sam smiled. ‘Yeah.’ Not sure what to make of the look Josh gave his friend, Baker opted for a simple: ‘Right.’ Then he turned his attention back to Josh. ‘Did you have breakfast?’ Josh shook his head. ‘Well, under the circumstances, that’s probably not a bad thing. If they have to run any tests, they can get on with them cos your stomach’s empty. Have a seat outside, and I’ll set up your appointment.’ Sam wanted to hold Josh, to reassure him simply by his physical proximity. But in the waiting room, all he could do was make sure he was sitting as close to Josh as he could. Not that Josh appeared to notice Sam’s presence. Or anything else. ‘Mr Lyman?’ The receptionist came over to Josh and Sam. ‘Your appointment’s set for 11.45. Do you want to go back in with Dr Baker? He’s got a few minutes before his next patient.’ After a few seconds, Sam filled the silence. ‘No thanks.’ ************* Sam pressed the lift button for the 3rd floor. Diagnostics. Josh was completely withdrawn, totally silent and unresponsive. He walked quickly out of the lift and across to the desk. ‘Josh Lyman.’ The receptionist smiled, running a finger down the screen in front of her. ‘Mr Lyman…okay…we have a few things to do to prep you for the tests. Follow me.’ Suddenly Josh seemed to realise Sam wasn’t following him. ‘Sam?’ Sam got up from where he had been sitting. ‘Yeah?’ The young woman stopped and turned. ‘Your friend can wait here.’ ‘I want him to come in with me.’ ‘Oh…okay. We’ll get you all set up and then I’ll come get him, okay?’ Slightly reassured, Josh started walking again. ************ Leo looked round the senior staff’s curious faces. ‘Sam and Josh are having a couple of days off. Josh is unwell. Sam’s looking after him. That’s it. They’ll be back Monday. Any rumours, stop ‘em, okay?’ Toby sighed. CJ shrugged. Bartlet waited until the other two had left. ‘What’s wrong with Josh?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Yes you do.’ Leo looked grim. ‘He may have cancer.’ ************* Josh dropped his coat on the couch, went straight into the bedroom, and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. Sam followed slowly. ‘You want some company?’ ‘I’m gonna die, Lit. I’m not even fifty years old and I’m gonna die.’ Sam frowned. ‘We don’t even know what this lump is. Wait until we know, huh?’ Josh rolled onto his stomach. ‘Don’t patronise me Lit!’ Stung by the words and the tone, Sam pulled hard on Josh’s shoulder, pulling him onto his back. Gently, he said: ‘JL, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. But I’m here for you. Whatever you need, even if you just want to yell. Don’t shut me out.’ ‘I haven’t done half the things I want to do.’ ‘Such as?’ ‘I wanna see the pyramids.’ ‘Okay. And?’ ‘The Eiffel tower.’ ‘Anything that doesn’t involve us getting shots?’ Josh thought for a moment. ‘I want to take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.’ ‘We can do that.’ ‘When?’ ‘Tomorrow.’ Josh almost smiled. ‘You could arrange that?’ Panicking suddenly, Sam managed: ‘Yeah…maybe…probably.’ ‘Okay.’ After a few minutes lying side-by-side, Sam rolled onto his stomach and reached for Josh, intending to hold him until sleep claimed them both. ‘Er, Lit, not tonight.’ ‘You don’t want me to touch you?’ Quietly, Josh said: ‘No.’ ‘JL, what is it? Does it hurt?’ Sharply, Josh’s voice cut across the darkness. ‘No. Just…don’t, okay.’ Lifting his hand from Josh’s chest, Sam put up his hands in a gesture of surrender Josh probably couldn’t see in the dark room. ‘Hey, okay, calm down.’ Josh lifted himself up onto his elbows. ‘Calm down? I could be dead soon, and you want me to calm down? Who the Hell d’you think…’ ‘JL!’ Sam’s shock at Josh’s anger brought tears to his eyes and a catch to his voice. But Josh was past caring. He turned quickly onto his side, facing away from Sam. ‘I’m tired! Can we just sleep?’ ‘Sure.’ Sam’s soft reply and his careful movements went unnoticed by Josh who lay with his eyes screwed shut, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. After a few minutes, Josh heard Sam’s hesitant voice. ‘You awake?’ ‘Yeah Lit.’ Reaching out tentatively to hold Josh’s shoulder, Sam said gently: ‘We’re gonna get through this.’ Haltingly, Josh whispered. ‘I’m scared.’ ‘I know. But we’re gonna get through this. Together.’ Sam reached for Josh’s hand, and they lay, fingers intertwined, until Sam’s eyes closed. As he woke, Josh rolled onto his back, his mind too busy to even contemplate sleep. ‘I don’t wanna be cremated.’ ‘JL!’ Sam’s horrified reaction to Josh’s statement made him lay silently for a few minutes. ‘I wonder what dying is like.’ He felt Sam’s hand on his chest and covered it with his own. ‘I mean, I don’t remember much about…you know. And I never felt like I was gonna die. This is different.’ Sam sighed. ‘JL, close your eyes. Now, breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Slowly.’ Sam’s favorite technique to get Josh to relax was simple but effective. He felt the muscles under his hand soften and Josh’s breathing becoming deeper as they drifted, dozing. ************** Leo walked quickly into the Oval office without knocking. ‘Sir, who did you tell about Josh and Sam?’ Crossly, Bartlet snapped. ‘No-one.’ ‘Well, it’s all around the building.’ ‘Leo, I didn’t tell anyone.’ ‘Okay, I’ll deal with it.’ Leaning out of his office doorway, Leo shouted across the room: ‘Toby, got a minute? You too Claudia Jean.’ ‘Sam, someone leaked the reason for Josh’s medical tests.’ Sam was angry. ‘Who?’ ‘We’re working on it Sam.’ Hurt, he almost shouted: ‘They have no right Leo!’ ‘I know Sam. Believe me, I know. How’re you two doing?’ ‘I’m waiting for Josh. They won’t let me be with him while they’re doing the x-rays.’ ‘You two almost done at the hospital?’ ‘No. After this Josh has to have a biopsy.’ ‘Okay. Let me know how it goes, okay?’ ‘Yes Leo.’ As he waited for Josh to be wheeled out of the room opposite, Sam thought about how Leo’s attitude to their relationship had changed over time. From an uncomfortable ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation early on, he was now almost unconcerned, and, occasionally, like now, relaxed enough to ask questions he’d ask any partner. *********** ‘Josh, this is the consent form for the biopsy. It’s also consent for me to remove anything which shouldn’t be there if I think it’s a good idea.’ Josh wanted to be sure. ‘Just the lump, right?’ ‘I’m afraid I can’t promise that.’ Josh looked at Sam and felt Sam’s grip on his hand tighten. ‘How bad could it be?’ The surgeon shook his head. ‘I’m sorry Josh, without taking a look, I can’t tell you. If you’re concerned, just sign the form for the biopsy.’ ‘But whatever it is, it’s gotta come out, right?’ ‘Yes.’ Josh paused for only a moment before signing both forms. ‘Your friend can wait here.’ He looked at Sam. ‘I’ll come and get you when I’ve completed the procedure.’ ************** Two days later… ‘Josh, come on in.’ Josh looked round. ‘This is Sam.’ The doctor smiled. ‘Hi Sam. Come to offer moral support, huh?’ Sam nodded. ‘Yeah.’ ‘Am I gonna die?’ Josh’s sudden question caught both men by surprise. ‘Sit down Josh.’ Reluctantly, Josh sat in the hard plastic chair. ‘It’s benign. You’re gonna be okay. They can re-occur. You’re obviously in the habit of self-examination, which is good. Do it regularly, and if you feel anything else, see your doctor straight away. Is there anything you want to ask me?’ Josh stared straight ahead. ‘What are they caused by?’ Sam was concerned at the idea that Josh could find another lump in the future. ‘We’re not entirely sure. But this one’s harmless. You been together long?’ Sam flushed. ‘Um…we…’ ‘It’s usual for patients to list someone with their surname as next-of-kin. I’m guessing your surname is Seaborn?’ Sam nodded. ‘Take him home. Do something nice for the rest of the day. You can both go back to work tomorrow.’ Sam got up. ‘Thanks.’ ‘No problem. It’s nice to be able to give some good news for once.’ ************ ‘McGarry.’ ‘Josh is fine. It was benign. We’re coming in this afternoon.’ ‘No you’re not. Come in Monday.’ ‘Leo…’ ‘Sam, do not argue. We’ll see you Monday.’ ‘Okay. Thanks.’ ‘How are you doing?’ ‘Josh is fine.’ ‘Sam, I asked how you were.’ ‘Relieved.’ Leo chuckled. ‘Yeah. See ya Monday.’ ‘Thanks Leo.’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Leo?’ ‘Yeah Sam.’ ‘We’re gonna go see the Grand Canyon tomorrow. In a helicopter.’ Relieved but busy, Leo said absently: ‘Okay.’ Overhearing Leo’s conversation, Bartlet wandered into Leo’s office and waited until he’d folded his phone closed. ‘So?’ ‘They’re okay.’ ‘Was Sam sick?’ ‘No.’ ‘You said ‘they’.’ ‘So?’ Bartlet smiled. ‘Who’d have thought the kids would end up living together Leo.’ Leo sighed. ‘I guess they’re not gonna make us grandparents.’ Bartlet smiled. ‘Are they coming in later?’ ‘I gave ‘em the weekend off.’ ‘You gave two members of my senior staff two days off?’ Leo nodded. ‘Yeah.’ ‘Okay. You find out who leaked Josh’s news?’ ‘Yeah. Some nurse at Josh’s doctors. She’s job-hunting right now.’ ‘Okay.’ The End Home Send me feedback on this fic Return to the X-Files Fic Index Return to the West Wing Fic Index