2005- Do You Believe In Miracles?

While I realize its been awhile since Ive updated anything, I thought
I'd take the time and write a bit about the past year and a half.

2004 threw a few loops my way. I'd be suprised if it didnt actually
-thats the wonderful mystery of MS, you just never know what to expect day to day!
I found a support group locally and attended maybe 3 meetings. People
were either very depressed or didnt "look" handicapped. I know,
my problem. But I didnt want to get more depressed and
focus on all the stuff I havent been able to do anymore
and those that are doing very well, I felt somewhat
resentful. Again, my issues, not anyones elses. So I still felt like
I didnt fit in anywhere.

May was eventful though. I attended the MS walk here
locally with my husband who didnt have to work for
a change, and enjoyed myself. Getting out and doing
something good to benefit those with MS made the depression somewhat
disappear for awhile. I was number 8 in our country for the highest
fundraising and 50 something for the state. I felt like I actually accomplished
something after dealing with this for 5 years! yay!

Summer came and so did pool season. Of course so did heat
intolerance. But the pool tended to stay on the cooler side so while
most were contimplating freezing in it, I just jumped right in and
found solice. I had to becareful though because of
drowning hazards due to having seizures. But all in all, it was a
great season. Hated to close the pool for the winter.

Ohio had an unusually bitter cold winter- and a ton of snow. Due
to inclament weather, I wasnt able to get out
much at all. By Jan 2005, I slept alot due to depression and
pain due to the cold/damp temps. The other thing that
was affected more then usual was my sight in 2004. I marked
my 5th year milestone with MS by having to purchase bi-focals as my vision
had gotten so horrendous.

Jim had them add the transition lenses so I dont have
to shuffle from reg glasses to sunglasses. I decided to look
on the bright side though, atleast I can see better. And I
keep telling myself that bi-focals at 45 arent so bad, so I
conviced myself I was becoming distinguished! haha

Back in March of 2005- our local tv station aired a story about a
faith healer. How people were cured of cancer, ms
and a whole gammit of things. People were waiting over 9 hrs to have
this individual lay hands on them. I thought, wow, how cool!
Maybe Iam due for a miracle too?! I chased down the dates and places to
find this individual. I was soo excited. Jim and I talked
how we would go on my gram's bday, that maybe she would help us to
achieve this miracle. As word spread throughout the country and then some, now
people are waiting days to have this done for them. Then I
started thinking, supposed God doesnt think I deserve a miracle. Suppose I wait
for days n days and Iam not a "chosen" one. So the depression started again
and I decided maybe I shouldnt go. I mean, is the ms worse then not
receiving a miracle? Is the ms worse then God saying, its not your
turn yet? Do I dare get my hopes up to wonder why I wasnt given a miracle
like everyone else? So the more I thought about it, the more it
made me nuts. Meanwhile I had been wrestling with headaches,
kidney problems, ms "hugs", seizures and more depression.

Then I started thinking, who am I to use a miracle when there are
people worse off then Iam? Sheesh, dont be selfish!
So I decided right then and there I wasnt going
to go. Not because I was afraid of not receiving a miracle,
but maybe God will help to save a child or someone who really really
needs one! Somehow I felt better. And I prayed very hard to send
miracles to other people.

Easter Sunday came and Jim and I decided to head to mass.
Usually he works on Sundays lately and he was
finally able to take me. I went and prayed hard for my
family and friends, my husband and my kids and somehow felt better as I always
thought that maybe "He" listens more on Sundays then other
days! (Yes I pray before bedtime too) I have to say that the
service seemed very strange for some reason. They were talking
about visiting people who couldnt make it- and were
making light of various situations. My husband and I looked at each
other in disbelief as since Ive been sick, Ive had maybe 3
home visits from anyone from the church. But I continued
to confess my sins, ask for absolution, took communion, prayed for others
and left there shaking my head.

The weather started warming up and I thought, wow, maybe he listened!
Warm temperatures in Ohio is something definately strange in
early april. I was thinking, Yahoo! I can get out
a bit and not be so housebound. My wonderful friend Jo
picks me up once a week or so for conversation and breakfast/lunch.
Basically saves my sanity. Then my daughter, decided to move
closer to home. This was a major bonus as I dont get to
see her often and now she was only 20 min away as
opposed to over an hour. She was coming by more and
more and we have good visits. I really missed her when
she moved.

About 2 Sundays after Easter, I received a phone call from my mom.
My brothers construction business is booming and she is
having a hard time keeping up with office things.
She asked if I would like to come and work with her
a few hours a week to help keep her caught up. All I could say
was holy cow! Yes! I havent actively seeked employment due to
speech/hearing difficulties and didnt want to keep being denied due
to those issues alone. So yes, I have worked 2 days this week.
Its been great too! I get to spend time with my parents
, my brother, and at the same time feel as if iam contributing
something worth while towards my own household, even if its a few dollars
a week. I feel like Iam no longer a burden on Jim who
works like a dog to help us make ends meet. I guess you can
say, that for now, I found a place where I feel like a belong.

Everyone is thrilled at how quickly Ive adapted and learned new
things. But most of all, Iam proud of myself for taking
a chance to do something with whats left of my life.
I dont know how long this little piece of heaven feeling
will last- but maybe God listened and has given me a small miracle
= believing in myself :)

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