May was eventful though. I attended the MS walk here locally with my husband who didnt have to work for a change, and enjoyed myself. Getting out and doing something good to benefit those with MS made the depression somewhat disappear for awhile. I was number 8 in our country for the highest fundraising and 50 something for the state. I felt like I actually accomplished something after dealing with this for 5 years! yay!
Summer came and so did pool season. Of course so did heat intolerance. But the pool tended to stay on the cooler side so while most were contimplating freezing in it, I just jumped right in and found solice. I had to becareful though because of drowning hazards due to having seizures. But all in all, it was a great season. Hated to close the pool for the winter.
Ohio had an unusually bitter cold winter- and a ton of snow. Due to inclament weather, I wasnt able to get out much at all. By Jan 2005, I slept alot due to depression and pain due to the cold/damp temps. The other thing that was affected more then usual was my sight in 2004. I marked my 5th year milestone with MS by having to purchase bi-focals as my vision had gotten so horrendous.
Jim had them add the transition lenses so I dont have to shuffle from reg glasses to sunglasses. I decided to look on the bright side though, atleast I can see better. And I keep telling myself that bi-focals at 45 arent so bad, so I conviced myself I was becoming distinguished! haha
Back in March of 2005- our local tv station aired a story about a faith healer. How people were cured of cancer, ms and a whole gammit of things. People were waiting over 9 hrs to have this individual lay hands on them. I thought, wow, how cool! Maybe Iam due for a miracle too?! I chased down the dates and places to find this individual. I was soo excited. Jim and I talked how we would go on my gram's bday, that maybe she would help us to achieve this miracle. As word spread throughout the country and then some, now people are waiting days to have this done for them. Then I started thinking, supposed God doesnt think I deserve a miracle. Suppose I wait for days n days and Iam not a "chosen" one. So the depression started again and I decided maybe I shouldnt go. I mean, is the ms worse then not receiving a miracle? Is the ms worse then God saying, its not your turn yet? Do I dare get my hopes up to wonder why I wasnt given a miracle like everyone else? So the more I thought about it, the more it made me nuts. Meanwhile I had been wrestling with headaches, kidney problems, ms "hugs", seizures and more depression.
Then I started thinking, who am I to use a miracle when there are people worse off then Iam? Sheesh, dont be selfish! So I decided right then and there I wasnt going to go. Not because I was afraid of not receiving a miracle, but maybe God will help to save a child or someone who really really needs one! Somehow I felt better. And I prayed very hard to send miracles to other people.
Easter Sunday came and Jim and I decided to head to mass. Usually he works on Sundays lately and he was finally able to take me. I went and prayed hard for my family and friends, my husband and my kids and somehow felt better as I always thought that maybe "He" listens more on Sundays then other days! (Yes I pray before bedtime too) I have to say that the service seemed very strange for some reason. They were talking about visiting people who couldnt make it- and were making light of various situations. My husband and I looked at each other in disbelief as since Ive been sick, Ive had maybe 3 home visits from anyone from the church. But I continued to confess my sins, ask for absolution, took communion, prayed for others and left there shaking my head.
The weather started warming up and I thought, wow, maybe he listened! Warm temperatures in Ohio is something definately strange in early april. I was thinking, Yahoo! I can get out a bit and not be so housebound. My wonderful friend Jo picks me up once a week or so for conversation and breakfast/lunch. Basically saves my sanity. Then my daughter, decided to move closer to home. This was a major bonus as I dont get to see her often and now she was only 20 min away as opposed to over an hour. She was coming by more and more and we have good visits. I really missed her when she moved.
About 2 Sundays after Easter, I received a phone call from my mom. My brothers construction business is booming and she is having a hard time keeping up with office things. She asked if I would like to come and work with her a few hours a week to help keep her caught up. All I could say was holy cow! Yes! I havent actively seeked employment due to speech/hearing difficulties and didnt want to keep being denied due to those issues alone. So yes, I have worked 2 days this week. Its been great too! I get to spend time with my parents, my brother, and at the same time feel as if iam contributing something worth while towards my own household, even if its a few dollars a week. I feel like Iam no longer a burden on Jim who works like a dog to help us make ends meet. I guess you can say, that for now, I found a place where I feel like a belong.
Everyone is thrilled at how quickly Ive adapted and learned new things. But most of all, Iam proud of myself for taking a chance to do something with whats left of my life. I dont know how long this little piece of heaven feeling will last- but maybe God listened and has given me a small miracle= believing in myself :)