Letter From The Commish

Are youuuu rrrrrrready tooooo rummmmmmmbbbbbbbbblllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee???????????? In the Cheatem corner, wearing the green trunks with the forked tongue logo, trained by Coaches Kevin and Kyle Bernadt, with an 11-2 record, the Greenback Iguanas. Opposing the Iguanas in the Cheatem corner, hailing from Grande Central Station on the East-siiide, wearing the fay colors of the Miami Hurricanes, the baddest, the baldest, the booty-est Coach around, G2TheP, the Bud Grant of our era, the one, the only Grande To The Party.

The Iguanas-Party game is almost a match made in heaven. We have the league's two best records, the teams with the 2nd and 3rd most points, squaring off mano a mano for personal bragging rights as well as supremacy of the Cheatem division. Both teams have been among the head of the OFFL class for the past three years. Of course, history is filled with teams that have excelled in regular season play only to flame out like Gay Billy at an AIDS benefit parade when Mardi Gras and the Super Bowl approached. Coach Will, in particular, has come to be associated with the words Bud Grant, the words Marv Levy and the words wait til next year. But at least it can be said he's seen the promised land. He just may never get there with the rest of us. The Iguanas have been the

Not to ignore the Dewey division (if you're reading-----that chirping sound is the combined sound of the Clams, Norris, and Revenge posting to the bulletin board all at once.................) (.............), but they'll host the most important Week 15 game in the Clams vs. Norris winner-take-the-marbles-and-go-home (oops, go home after Week 16, I mean) contest. Anyway, .................... . More postings.

After practicing pork barrel football for eight weeks, Fab-boy Slim ain't fucking in heaven this year as the season was officially declared lost last Sunday for the Strange Highways. Even though the Byeways finally snapped a three year losing streak to Grande To The Party after the Party had won four straight games, the Highways needed both the Mystics and Retreads to lost. The last time the Funk Soul Brother defeated G2TheP was Week 3 in 1996. At 7-6, the Highways stopped buckling after losing four straight league games since their inflated 6-2 start. If not for their Week 1 defensive good fortune, 6-7 would be sniffing at the roadkill today. Now, to be perfectly honest, the Highways still have one scenario left that would enable them to pull out the improbable division title. They must win their last two games. The Mystics must win in Week 14 but lose in Week 15 and the Retreads must lose their last two games. Even a single Retreads victory ends the Highways' chances. All this comes on the heels of last year's pork barrel team that managed to play in the slop long enough to sniff the truffles despite a mediocre 7-7-1 regular season record. Pundits are asking themselves, has the league caught up to Coach Farmer "E" Brown (of Farmer Brown's restaurants) in the same way it caught up and ultimately ran out of town Coach Young's Bone Club after it, too, stood at the head of the sow line all those stockyard years ago? As another league coach put it, "E lives for this time of year and you know it's killing him that he's not part of it." Maybe next century, Newt.

And over in the Howe corner, wearing the red, black and green trunks with gold piping, minimalist themselves, the Natural Mystics. And what about the Natural Mystics? The league's highest scoring team has dropped their last two games to fall to 8-5. PMS scored 42 on them last week. The Bearded Clams scored 42 on them this week. Go figure. Despite scoring more points than any other team this season, few teams have allowed more. Opponents are averaging 34 points a game against the Msytics. Conversely, the Party is allowing only 23 points a game, the Retreads 26 and the Iguanas 28. As Coach Will has said for years, it's all about matchups. All Coach Wassem wants to know is where's the love? Even in this season of overall success, when the cards are being flipped onto the table, the Mystics get no Irv Smith TD on a botched FG or a last second Andre Rison MNF game winning catch to give them that lechrecaun luck that others have tended to get over the years. Instead, they get a combined 86 point output by two opponents with a combined record of 10-12-2 and now must try to recover from the shellshock in time to prepare for the Retreads on what will be another rough week of matchups in 14. The Retreads have already defeated the Mystics once this season as Mystics' RB Terry Allen sat the bench. The Commish, playing the numbers as he likes to do, discovered that the Mystics would have been 12-0 going into this week's game if they'd been playing the Party's schedule and would have tied this week for an overall record of 12-0-1.. The Iguanas would be 8-5 if they were playing the Mystics' schedule while the Party would be 7-5-1. The Retreads would be 7-6 while the Highways would be 5-8. The Retreads' Kurt Warner (N.O.) and the Mystics' Peyton Manning (N.E.) could be going in opposite directions next Sunday. Check in later.

Go deep, I'll throw it!

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