TRUE ROMANCE
 
 

ACT ONE

Scene 1


The show curtain is a hodgepodge of romantic magazine covers from the early 40s---True Romance, True Story, Modern Romances, et.al. There is no overture. Instead, before the curtain rises, we hear a FEMALE SINGER, who sounds suspiciously like Carmen Miranda. The voice is obviously emanating from a vintage radio.
FEMALE SINGER (o.s.)
Down in Rio de Janeiro,
Every señorita and caballero
Is doing
La Conga!
If you go to Venezuela,
Every butcher, baker, soldier, sailor
Is doing
La Conga!
Da-da-da-da-dum-dum,
Da-da-da-da-dum-dum
That's the way you do the dance;
Da-da-da-da-dum-dum,
Da-da-da-da-dum-dum
It's your ticket to romance!
So while the moon is shining above---
Come do La Conga!
La Conga!
And you are bound to find love! (The song stops abruptly. A moment of static is followed by the voice of an ANNOUNCER.  To hear  the actual initial CBS announcement on December 7, 1941, with the mispronunciation of "Oahu" exactly as it was done on that date, click on the audio file below. )
ANNOUNCER (o.s.)
We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. The Japanese have attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, by air President Roosevelt has just announced. The attack also was made on all naval and military activities on the principle island of Ohau.
  (The curtain rises, and we are in a modest one-family home in a town somewhere on the coast of North Carolina. Upstage is the small dining room and downstage the equally small living room. JOLENE HALLIGAN, her sister, DIXIE ANN MacCREADY, and their mother, VERNA COTTER, are busy setting the table. During the scene EACH disappears offstage left to the kitchen and returns carrying another item of food. JOLENE is 25 and a year and a half older than DIXIE ANN. Both are very attractive and resemble each other. VERNA is in her late 40s, very thin and still quite pretty. Their father, BURL COTTER, sits quietly in the living room reading the paper, completely oblivious to what is going on about him. He is not so pretty, and obviously the girls get their looks from their Mother. They all smoke, and they all speak with Southern accents. )
DIXIE ANN
She watched him drown. She actually watched him drown. And there he was 10 years later comin' up the walk!

VERNA

Hogwash.

DIXIE ANN

Don't say hogwash like that. True Romance is not like those trashy pulp things like Best Love and Golden Hearts. Every romance in True Romance is absolute fact.

JOLENE

That's right, Mama.

DIXIE ANN

                                        You can stand there and frown
                                        But she saw him go down
                                        On the Lusitania.

JOLENE

                                        Every romance
                                        In True Romance
                                        Is a true romance---

VERNA

                                        And I'm the Queen of Rumania.

DIXIE ANN

                                        It's New Year's Eve
                                        And you're in Times Square,

JOLENE

                                        And all at once
                                        He begins to stare.

DIXIE ANN

                                        And soon you're floatin'
                                        In some magic dance,

TOGETHER

                                        That's true romance,
                                        That's true romance.

VERNA

                                        It's New Year's Eve
                                        And you're in Times Square,
                                        And all at once
                                        He begins to stare,
                                        And before you know it,
                                        He is in your pants---
                                        That's true romance,
                                        That's true romance.

JOLENE

Mama!

DIXIE ANN

                                        Your whole world glistens and glows
                                        With roses and hearts,

VERNA

                                        You find he's pickin' his nose
                                        And he belches and farts.

JOLENE & DIXIE ANN

Mama!

VERNA
                                        And is ballin' some tarts.

DIXIE ANN

                                        He showers you with diamonds!

VERNA

                                        And v.d., perchance?
                                        That's true romance!
                                        That's true romance?

DIXIE ANN

Mama, you are the only southern lady I know who sounds like a Yankee.

VERNA

I say things like that to shock you both out o' this romantic lunacy.

DIXIE ANN

I think you say those things 'cause you enjoy sayin' those things.

JOLENE

What if the babies heard you?

VERNA

The babies. Betsy Claire is seven and Sallyjo is six. They are no longer babies. And speakin' o' babies, did you talk to Clois?

DIXIE ANN

I told you Clois will not hear about adoptin' a child.

VERNA

You want one so bad, and you can't have one, so you adopt one.

DIXIE ANN

You know I'd adopt one in a second. But Clois keeps sayin' that Clyde and Zelda Gougler adopted that little boy who grew up and started dressin' in Zelda's clothes.

VERNA

Every adopted boy grows up and dresses in his mama's clothes. Just like every adopted girl grows up and dresses in her daddy's clothes. Didn't I read those statistics in True Romance?

DIXIE ANN

Oh, Mama…just leave us be, will yuh?

JOLENE

Please! Can't we have a nice, pleasant Sunday dinner without all this commotion? (The downstage left front door bursts open, and CLOIS MacCREADY and RUSSELL HALLIGAN rush into the living room. They are both approximately the same ages as their respective wives. Clois is better looking and more retiring than Russell. Both wear baseball caps.)
RUSSELL
Turn on the radio!

                                                              (BURL peers at him from behind the paper.)

CLOIS

We're at war!

JOLENE

War?

DIXIE ANN

Is this one of your jokes, Russell Halligan?

CLOIS

It's really war. We been attacked.

JOLENE

By who, for heaven's sake?

RUSSELL

By those little yellow slit-eyed bastards!

JOLENE

Russell, your language!

BURL

Which little yellow slit-eyed bastards?

RUSSELL

                                          (kneeling by the radio, trying to tune in a station)
Goddamned Japs---that's who!

CLOIS

They attacked Ohau!

VERNA

What the hell is Ohau?

CLOIS

Some place in the Pacific---near Hawaii, I think.

RUSSELL

Goddamn! Nothin' on the radio. We heard it in the car.

JOLENE

It's probably one of those rumors---like Mrs. Roosevelt is Jewish.

BURL

Ain't she?

DIXIE ANN

Oh, Daddy!

BURL

I thought her name was Eleanor Rosenthal.

JOLENE

The dinner will get cold. Dixie Ann, get the babies. Come on, Daddy, Russell, Clois.

RUSSELL

We been attacked by those yellow sunsubitches, and not a word.

JOLENE

If it's something that important, they'll interrupt the broadcast. Just leave it on, and come, before dinner spoils.

                                                            (DIXIE ANN goes off stage left and calls.)

DIXIE ANN

Betsy Claire! Sallyjo! Come along now. Dinner is ready. (As this is going on, and the MEN are taking their places at the table, we hear the same Carmen Miranda-sounding voice we heard at the beginning.)
FEMALE VOICE
                                         If you go to Venezuela,
                                         Each butcher, baker, soldier, sailor
                                         Is doing
                                         La Conga!
 
 

LIGHTS DIM