ACT ONE
 
 

Scene One


Four years later. We are in one of the seediest theatres in London in the midst of a musical show. The set is unbelievably tacky---a few painted trees represent a garden---and so are the performers, a group of FIVE LADIES, all of them overly made-up and a bit long in the tooth. IRENE is the prettiest, but she is no longer quite the great beauty we had seen before. A certain bitterness has hardened her face. The LADIES dance on stage with parasols in a step which could hardly be called complex. FIVE MEN, even less competent, follow.
MEN
Won't you be my twirly-whirly girl,
My sugarplum,
My honeybee?
Won't you be my twirly-whirly girl
And come and sit
Upon my knee?

We will spoon the night away,
We will bill and then we'll coo;
I will squeeze you till you say,
"Snookums, I will marry you."

Won't you be my twirly-whirly girl,
My buttercup,
My chickadee?
If you'll be my twirly-whirly girl,
What a happy man I'll be!

(The LADIES and MEN begin an elementary dance.)


LADIES

I will be your twirly-whirly girl,
Your sugarplum,
Your honeybee.
I will be your twirly-whirly girl
And come and sit
Upon your knee.

We will spoon the night away,
We will bill and then we'll coo,
You will squeeze me till I say,
"Snookums, I will marry you."

I will be your be twirly-whirly girl,
Your buttercup,
Your chickadee,
If I am your twirly-whirly girl,
What a happy girl I'll be!

(THEY dance off to a smattering of applause as the stage slides off and a section of a cramped sordid dressing room slides on.A fairly attractive chorus girl, DILAYS RITCHIE, is at one of the makeup tables, her head buried in a book. IRENE enters, flops down in front of the adjacent mirror and begins to change her makeup.)
DILAYS
How'd it go?
                   (IRENE regards her with a sour look.)
You know, Crystal, you can do better than this.

IRENE

I have done better than this.

DILAYS

You mean when you were married to that Lord before you were disinherited by his family after he fell off King Edward's yacht and perished at sea?

IRENE

What difference does it make now?

DILAYS

Well, his drowning and your being disinherited and having to go to work to support your twin babies shouldn't be the end of your life.
 
(DILAYS places the book in front of Irene.)
IRENE
Meditation and Materialism. I didn't know you could combine the two.

DILAYS

According to Dr. De Koven, they need not necessarily be exclusive. One can achieve his most cherished materialistic desires through transcendental meditation.

IRENE

Is that how you got here?

DILAYS

I hadn't met Dr. De Koven until after I got here. And you know what happened after my very first meditation?

IRENE

I can't possibly imagine.

DILAYS

Binky gave me that solo number sitting on the rose trellis.

IRENE

You don't say!

DILAYS

And I won't be here for long, let me tell you. Dr. De Koven is giving another lecture tomorrow evening. We can go and be back in time for the show. That is, if you can get away from the twins.

IRENE

Magdalena has whopping cough.

DILAYS

I thought you said it was impetigo.

IRENE

No, Madeleine is the one with impetigo.

DILAYS

How about the landlady?

IRENE

She's healthy as far as I know.

DILAYS

I mean, the landlady could take care of them like she does when you're at the theatre. Really, Crystal, I know you were once a grand Lady and all, but you never socialize with any of us, and some of the girls are beginning to talk. Not that it makes the slightest difference to me, you understand, but, honestly, once you've heard Oliver De Koven, your life will never be the same.

IRENE

Promise?
 
 

LIGHTS DIM