Russian Fairy Tales :: Ivan the Fool

Ivan the Fool

Once upon a time there lived a handsome lad nicknamed Ivan the Fool; when he did anything the result was always comical, and there was no one in the world quite like him.
Once a peasant hired him as a servant while he and his wife went to town. The wife said to Ivan:
”You must look after the children and give them some food.”
”What food?”
”Take some water and mix it with flour; take some potatoes and chop them all up; then boil it all together and you’ll have some soup.”
The peasant warned him:
”You must watch the door and see that the children don’t run into the wood. Look after them.”
The peasant and his wife drove off. Ivan climbed on to the top of the stove, woke up the children, dragged them down on to the floor, sat down behind them, and said:
”Well now, I’m looking after you.” (This is how he understood ‘looking after.’)
The children sat there for a while and the said that they were hungry. Ivan brought a barrel of water, put half a sack of flour in it, threw in some potatoes, mixed the lot with a spoon, and said to himself:
”What is it I have to chop?”
The children heard him and took fright. “Perhaps he’ll start chopping us up!” And they slipped out of the hut.
Ivan watched them go, scratched his head and wondered:
”How will I be able to look after them now? And I have to watch the door so that it doesn’t run away.”
He looked at the barrel and said:
”Well, I hope this will turn into soup while I go and look after the children.”
He took the door off its hinges, loaded it on his shoulders, and went into the wood. Suddenly he saw a bear coming towards him and he stopped right in the bear’s way. Startled, the bear began to growl:
”Why are you taking his wooden board into the wood?”
Ivan told him what happened. The bear sat down on his hind legs and roared with laughter.
”You young idiot! What if I should eat you now?”
Ivan replied:
”You’d better eat the children so that next time they’ll obey their parents and not run off to the wood.”
The bear thought this was funnier than ever, and rolled on the ground with laughter.
”I’ve never met anyone as foolish as you,” he said. “Come along to my lair and I’ll show you to my wife. Just follow me.”
Ivan followed, the door caching at the fir-trees as he went.
”Why not leave it behind?” asked the bear.
”No, I must keep my word. I promised to watch it, so watch it I will.”
They came to the lair. The bear said to his wife:
”Look, Masha, what a fool I’ve brought to make you laugh! What a comic!”
Ivan turned to the bear’s wife:
”Aunt, have you seen the children?”
”Mine are at home and fast asleep,” she replied.
”Let me see them. Maybe they’re mine.”
The mother bear showed him her three little cubs. Ivan said:
”No, those are not my children. I had only two.”
The mother bear could see he was a fool, so she began laughing, too.
”Why, yours were human children, weren’t they?”
”How can one know whether they’re human or not when they’re small!” replied Ivan.
”He’s a funny one al right,” the mother bear said and turned to her husband. “Don’t let’s eat him up, let us keep him to work for us.”
”Very well,” the bear agreed. “Although he’s a man, I’ll admit he’s pretty harmless.”
The mother bear gave Ivan a basket and told him;
”Go and pick me some wild raspberries; I’ll have something to give the children when they wake up.”
”Yes, I can do that,” said Ivan. “Meanwhile watch the door.”
Ivan went to the wood to pick wild raspberries. He picked a whole basketful, ate his fill, and went back to the lair, singing:

”Ladybirds are clumsy, tra-la-la,
Not like ants or lizard, tra-la-la.”

Then he shouted at he entered the lair:
”Here are the raspberries!”
The little bear ran to the basket, growling and pushing one another, falling over themselves in their delight,
Ivan, watching them, said:
”Ah, what a pity I’m not a bear, or I, too, might have had little ones.”
The bear and his wife laughed and laughed.
”Oh-oh,” the bear roared, “he’ll be the death of me!”
”Look here,” said Ivan, “you watch this door while I go and look for the children; otherwise my master will be very angry.”
The mother bear said to her husband:
”Misha, why don’t you go and help him?”
”Yes. I will,” said the bear; “he’s such a funny one!”
So the bear went roaming in the woods with Ivan, and they talked together like old friends.
”How is it that you’re so silly?” the bear said.
Ivan asked him in turn:
”And you-are you clever?”
”I?”
”Yes, you!”
”I don’t know.”
”Neither do I. Are you cruel?”
”No, why should I be cruel?”
”Well, to my mind, he who is cruel is silly. I, too, am not cruel, so that means that neither of us is a fool.”
”This is very cunning of you,” said the bear.
Suddenly they saw two children sleeping under a bush. The bear asked:
”Are they yours?”
”I don’t know,” said Ivan. “We must ask them. Mine were hungry.”
They woke up the children and asked them:
”are you hungry?”
They cried:
”We’ve been hungry for a long time!”
”Well,” said Ivan, “that means they must be mine. I shall tale them back to the village and you, Uncle, pleas do me a favour, and bring the door-I’ve no time to do that because I’ve still got to boil the soup.”
”I’ll do it,” said the bear.
Ivan walked behind the children, looking ‘after’ them as he’d been told to do, and singing:

”What surprising miracles,
Beetles catching hares!
A fox is sitting watching them
Spelling out his prayers.”

He came to the hut, and the master and his wife were already home. They saw the barrel in the middle of the room, filled with water, potatoes and flour-but no children, and the door was off its hinges. They sat down and wept.
”What are you crying for?” asked Ivan.
Then they saw the children, kissed them and hugged them, and the wife, pointing to the barrel, asked Ivan:
”What have you been up to?”
”Boiling soup.”
”Is that the way you go to boil it?”
”And where’s the door?”
”It’s going to be brought back. Here it is!”
The mater and his wife looked out of the window and saw the bear dragging the door. At once they made way for him in terror. The peasant climbed a tree, his wife took the children on to the roof top, and even the dog was frightened and hid under the hedge. Only the red cock perched bravely on the gate, crowing at the bear:

”Cock-a-doodle-doo!
You too, you too, you too!”