When one is confronted with a black dot, admittedly in the case of this analogy, a rather large black dot, placed on white sheet and one asks an observer what is that he or she is seeing then the reply is invariably “a black dot”. The answer is never the larger reality of a white sheet.  Yet when a coffee spills on a carpet the immediate response is how to prevent the spillage from spreading beyond the area of direct impact. Somewhere between these analogies is the work of Charles Maisels, 5 in 6 and this Manual. How do we recognize that there is a reality beyond the black dot of men as perpetrators of violence against women and sexual abusers? How, in full awareness that the coffee has already spilt, do we move in order to prevent that spillage from getting to the rest of the carpet.

To dismiss all men as incorrigible or beyond redemption – either by saying so directly or by ignoring them in our programs - is every bit as sexist as suggesting that women are inherently feeble or dumb. We thus need to engage in a radical shift in thinking given the fact that while women are usually the victims of gender violence and the agents of their own liberation, if men do not become a very significant part of our focus group, then all our work will really tantamount to fire-fighting and reconstruction while all the forces which spark the fires and create the destruction will continue to have a free reign. We may win a series of minor battles in a never ending war.

Work towards improved gender equality thus not only requires attention only to women’s situation but to that of men as well - their self-perceptions, their interaction with women, men as individuals, fathers and in the context of the family.

Men are themselves the product of culture, social institutions and norms. They fulfill, more or less consciously, expectations from elders or mates. In certain situations and under certain conditions their behavior can be harmful not least for the women who depend on them. Not rarely, these situations have the character of crisis or insecurity for the men themselves. A better understanding of men’s motivations and behavior would be a key to such changes as would replace harmful relations with positive and constructive ones.

Men stand to gain from improved equality and partnership with women, in general social life, as well as in the context of family life. One key issue is, therefore, how men’s perceptions of gender equality as a potential threat can be replaced by a curiosity over the possibilities inherent in improved equality.

This manual is a significant contribution to the humanizing of men. In a clear, reader friendly way Charles Maisels has gone about taking participants through a  programme that results in deeper and more human appreciation of manhood. This manual is clearly not the product of an ivory tower; instead it is the result of years of working among and with men who may have had a history of violence against women, but more particularly who have not had such a history. It is a manual to guide facilitators – even the new ones among them – through a coherent programme with men over a few days and one that will result in a more gender sensitive being who knows that his value does not lie in how much power he exercises over others, but in how he controls himself and lives out his life in harmony with others.

The idea of having a manual to work with men – ‘ordinary men’ - may strike one as odd, yet ‘manhood’ as with ‘fatherhood’ is also a function of life; one of the most crucial functions undertaken by nearly half of humankind at some stage.  It is a function that wreaks havoc and destruction on the products – other human lives - thereof when not properly fulfilled.

Take fatherhood for example. For males, I cannot imagine a role more significant in terms of its impact on others other than fatherhood. The responsibility of co-sharing in the birth and shaping of another life is an awesome one, a task that seem to belong only to the most foolish among us or the most courageous. To own a dog, you require a license; to become a father? Ordinary psychopaths, child molesters, decent folks, come along, sow your seeds, prove your manhood and become a father. No questions asked, no qualifications needed.

Unlike mothers who, prior and subsequent to the birth of a child, will go around and ask, often of their own mothers or other female friends, “how to go about it”, fathers will remain silent. There are number of reasons for this:

It simply does not occur to them that that there is something to ask about because ‘fatherhood’ as a task or responsibility does not occur to them. For many it’s as if their task was completed when they pulled up their zips or headed for the shower.

I suspect though that more often than not, fathers do realize that they are lost. Like the many guys who are lost while searching for a particular place and will drive around for a long while in circles unable to ask anyone for directions, they are simply unable to ask other men how to go about being a father. So they take a couple wrong turns – moer die laaitie when he does something wrong, compensate for the absence of caring by giving in to all the material demands of the kids, ignore them, play tired when they ask you to come along to the Parent Teacher Association meeting, bury your head in the newspaper when the kids seem to be hurting, scream, “Mary! Sort out the bloody kids!” when their own little wars disturb your peace. Take all the wrong turns – until you get fed up and turn back – into your previous non-father status, either by walking out of the whole thing or, the more likely scenario, hanging around physically but in a comatose state. (Which doesn’t prevent you from unzipping again. You are a man after all and you have needs, one of which is to sow your seeds.)

Yet there is something tragic about a guy, trapped in his car, driving in circles unable to roll his car windows down and ask for directions. In the case of fatherhood, its even worse for there are no road maps and no street signs. Articles, radio stories or TV productions on fatherhood, are rare. You can rock up an hour late at a meeting and offer your apologies or a lie or both. The worse thing that can happen is that you lost out on a business deal or a bit of face for pitching up late. Being lost in the jungle of fatherhood leaves life-long scars on your own life and that of your kids. You lose the wonderful potential to have your one life enriched by your own kids, your most valuable opportunity to be a source of support and love for someone whose very existence can partly be attributed to you,

And so we do require road maps, we do need manuals. It is thus with much gratitude that we greet “Working with Men” as a map for those who are going to be working with others who need to see where we are going. The fact that this manual was produced while Charles was also actively involved in other groups committed to a broader campaign of ending violence against women and promoting gender equality was significant. Herein lies the position that even as men work with other men we acknowledge that we do so with a sense of accountability to those who have been the primary victims of our perverse sense of manliness: women.

1) Introduction to Maisel, C, The Secrets of Working with Men (Cape Town: OpenBook 2000), pp. i-v.