What's the Story, Mornin' Glory?

It is wax, like... literally.

House of Wax
(2005)

     Carly Jones (Elisha Cuthbert), Nick Jones (Chad Murray), Paige Edwards (Paris Hilton), Wade (Jared Padalecki), Dalton (Jon Abrahams) and Blake (Robert Ri'chard) are going to the big game in Baton Rouge. According to Blake's GPS there's a shortcut to be had. They decide to take it, but there's a detour and since they're tired they pull into a little meadow and camp out so they won't be tired for the game the next day. While boozing it up they get a whiff of something nasty and suddenly a truck shows up and shines its lights at them. Nick throws a beer at the truck and it breaks their headlight and the truck drives off. The next morning everyone wakes up late and Wade discovers that his brand new fan belt has snapped. At the same time Carly and Paige head into the woods to investigate the strange smell after getting another whiff of it. Carly falls down a steep slope and head first into a pile of rotting road kill carcasses and her screams draw her friends to where they are. Suddenly a man in a truck pulls up and adds more deer to the pile. He overhears them talking about the fan belt and offers Wade and Carly a ride to the nearest town while everyone else heads to the game. They agree, but when their ride takes a strange turn they walk the rest of the way. When they get into the town they snoop around in the world famous wax museum and interrupt a funeral. The man at the funeral is actually the auto garage owner and tells them to meet him there in half an hour after the funeral is over.

     Forty-five minutes later Wade has waited long enough and walks inside the auto shop to look for a new belt. They don't have his size, but he figures he'll settle for the inch bigger. Paige calls Carly and lets them know they've turned around to pick them up because they missed the game. The auto shop owner shows up and say that he has the right size at his house if they want it. So, they walk up to the house and the owner tells them about the world famous wax museum and the tragic story that befell the family who owned it. Carly waits outside while Wade goes into the house to use the bathroom and the auto shop owner gets the fan belts. Carly gets tired of waiting and goes to head into the house and notices that one of the headlights is out...


You Learn Something New Everyday...

Paris Hilton eats food.
There are no rednecks in New York.
Elton John is gay.
If a door is unlocks you may enter.

Zing!

"Dalton: You're just gonna let 'em leave like that? That guys a freak, he throws dead animals in a pit for a living.
Nick: You clean shit for a living, Mr Septic Tank Man. What's the difference?
Dalton Chapman: Well, um - I don't walk through it. That's one difference."

Survey SAYS...

     Would you be surprised if I said that Paris Hilton is not the worst thing about this movie? I'm not sure if this movie irritated me so much because I've spent the last three years in a small town or what, but I've never been so annoyed with characters before in my whole movie watching life. There was absolutely no redeeming qualities about any of the characters and they all deserved to die. Especially Wade and Carly. I know that they live in Florida and all, but first off they're totally rude to the slack jawed yokel that gives them a ride to the town basically accusing him of being a serial killer. Yes, he may have been, but do you really want to piss off a guy who's nice enough to give you a ride (and has a large buck knife complete with the comment “these things will cut through anything”)? Second, once they get to the town they SNOOP everywhere. I know it's amazing that people in small towns don't lock their doors and stuff, but that doesn't mean that they should open every door they can and snoop around in there? Third, after entering the wax museum Wade starts trying to melt stuff with his lighter and destroying things. Small town folk are people too! The whole ungrateful brat snooping around thing was so annoying. It's like, kill them already they totally deserve it!

     So, the first thing this movie does is establish totally irritating characters that you're just hoping will die. It's clear that the only ones who are going to survive are the sibling duo. House of Wax is not only completely and utterly predictable and the characters totally suck as human beings, but they do the dumbest things ever. First they shoot the wax museum owner with arrows and when he's unconscious they take his shot gun, but when they find no ammo with them they just leave the shot gun with him. It doesn't come back to bite them in the butt later, but it's not like 4 shots was all the ammo he has. There's even an ammo store in town that they try to break into. Then while the museum is on fire (since it's made of wax and all, stairs, walls, everything) Carly runs up the stairs when this guy is chasing her. One, she has a weapon, but runs away anyway and two...THE STAIRS ARE MADE OF WAX! Hello? Did you not notice the house was on fire? Everyone made these stupid totally obvious horror movie faux pas. Here's a tip, why not try to be original? At least you'd get points for creativity.

     I think Paris Hilton is a smart business woman. She's only in movies that are so terrible she ends up being the best part of them. Despite all the annoying...everything...I have to give this movie some praise because it kept me entertained. These types of movies are hard to rate because they were so awful, but they were entertaining at the same time. If you're expecting any cinematic genius (and I know you weren't) or Paris Hilton naked (and I know you were) then you're looking at the wrong movie. If you are expecting to shut your brain off on a cold winter day and your favorite movie has been rented at the video store and you don't see anything else you really want to see, then House of Wax isn't so bad. The acting wasn't bad, but the story and characters were just plain retarted. It was surprisingly decent, but I couldn't get over everything else. So, if you like slack jawed yokels, purple nurples, shady quickly thrown together character pasts, and cross bows. As for us, we give House of Wax:

No Burt Reynolds! No Burt Reynolds!

That Wasn't so Bad Was It?



Many Things
I was left Feeling: A plethora of emotions