The nuclear glare of morning in suburbia hit the fine people of Lincolnwood today with a scorching blast of hellish heat. The housewives found it hard to look glamorous with all their hot pink makeup melting into tiny pools on the tables of their vanity mirrors while their husbands all squeezed into lime green and foam blue suits of the finest polyester available. Yet even in the face of massive discomfort, the good people of Lincolnwood looked their best for a day of intrigue and fabulous adventure.

Carrie Porter suddenly woke up from her wonderful teenage fantasy. The heat made the leftover crumbs of a Hostess cupcake sizzle on her oily teenage chin.

"Oh, I wish a teen could get some sleep in this town, but it's so hard with it all hot. A girl's gotta get her rest if she wants to look good like a red-blooded American teen should look."

She was having the same old dream again. Her teen idols, Poison, were playing at the county fair. She was dancing around to the rock 'n' roll music like teenagers do, when all of a sudden, Bret said, "This one's for our girl Carrie" when they then launched into "Fallen Angel."

It was only three days until the concert and Carrie was on fire. She saved the money she made as a secretary for her church to buy a new outfit for the rock 'n' roll concert. As soon as she had those American bills in her hand, she ran as fast as she could to Lincolnwood Town Center Mall to get an outfit at the Rocker's U.S.A. store. She found the perfect leather miniskirt and black leather bra top that would do any teenage American patriot girl proud.

Carrie finally rose out of bed to get in the shower. She threw on her bootleg of Bon Jovi playing in Bangkok that she treasured so much. As she did the latest dance steps in the shower, she belted out the lyrics. "Whoa, shake it up, it's like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." As Carrie enjoyed the moment of teenage euphoria, she suddenly realized that Regis and Kathie Lee were on and promptly rushed out.

As she watched her show, Carrie applied a razor to her legs to remove the hair there. In America, it is a social custom for teenage girls to shave off the hair from their legs to appear attractive and desirable for their communities. As the blood and pink cream slid down her legs, she flipped through an old copy of Teen Beat that she treasured so much. There was an interview with C.C. of Poison in which he spoke of his love of America (it was the 4th of July issue). She used to be moved to tears by his declarations of undying love and pride for the U.S.A. in that interview.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, which could only mean one thing. "Kathy's here!" she said. Kathy is Carrie's good-time friend. They both carved "Poison forever" on their left buttcheeks behind the school track last year, so that tells you how deep their bond is. They spent almost every living moment together.

"Carrie, do you have any whipped cream and Ho-Hos?" said Kathy.

"Of course dahhling, you know we do," Carrie wittily replied.

They both met Vince Neil together, they both beat up the entire McNellis family at the parish Sunday picnic last July, they both set off a bomb in the ABC studios together after Growing Pains was cancelled, and they both got their pictures taken with a cardboard cutout of Aerosmith at the St. Ben's carnival last month. Aquanet, lipgloss, and America were their religion. They were more than friends, they were … soulmates.

"What do you want to do today, Carrie?" said Kathy, sprawled out on the couch with her pink leather party girl pants on.

"I wanna go to the tanning salon," said Carrie.

"I wanna go to the mall," said Kathy.

"Tanning salon."

"Mall."

"Tanning salon."

"Mall."

"Tanning salon."

"Mall."

"How about the carwash?" said Carrie.

"All right, now you're talkin'!"

So the girls hit the road.

All the kids of Lincolnwood were out on the town that day. Carrie and Kathy met up with their gang of good time girls for some American fun. They taunted fat people who dared walk by, they did humorous impressions of the retarded kids who came to their parish pancake breakfast last week, and of course they had to pick at least one elderly bag lady to ridicule and harass and beat in the name of wholesome entertainment.

Soon the kids got tired so they all went their own ways. Carrie suddenly had to get ready for work.

"Hello Father!" Carrie was always polite to her elders. She read The Star and sipped her can of Hubba Bubba soda while she flipped through the pages of exotic stars. She turned the radio on to the Blaze to hear her favorite rock 'n' roll songs. She sang along with Ozzy and David Lee, wishing away the summer hours to happy teenage land where all her gang could go on safari and see interesting sights. "La la la la la Panama! Panama!" Carrie dreamily sang. "Pana, what?"

Carrie turned the radio up so she could hear the announcement on the Blaze.

"We are sorry to inform you that the Poison concert at Rosemont Horizon has been cancelled. Tickets will be refunded. Poison will play one last show at the state fair and then they are through. That is all."

The words hit Carrie like a ton of scalding bricks. She felt numb. She sat for awhile while her head melted with angry thoughts. She got up and walked out the door. She walked like a zombie up the blocks of houses until she reached hers.

"Hi sugar, how are you?" said her mom. But Carrie didn't notice. She walked up the blue carpet stairs to her room. She put on her outfit for the concert. Miniskirt and rubber bra and loads of mascara. She put it all on and left the house, her high heels stabbing the sidewalk with her every unhappy step. She walked around the neighborhood aimlessly for hours and hours with thoughts, real UNAMERICAN thoughts, scraping the insides of her brain. Suddenly destiny stepped in and she knew what she had to do …

Carrie took her little red Corvette and drove right up to Kathy's house. Kathy was crying on the porch.

"Did you hear?"

"Just get in the f'in car, Kathy." They sped away with destiny unknown.

But suddenly with the clean suburban air and the white-hot thrill of murder in the stars they felt like becoming glamorous celebrities; or moreover, they felt like they could become glamorous celebrities. They drove and drove and drove with the logistics of their destiny falling into place.

Their names were now Foxy and Cece; they made commandments and laws and rules while the promise of stardom seemed wider and wider. Here is a sampling:

Soon, with a manifesto in their hand and luscious pink polish on their toes, they were ready to claim their place in American history.

"They're gonna write books about us, Cece!"

"Hahahaha! Foxy and Cece forever!"

"And ever!"

"And ever!"

The only thing that mattered now was lusty revenge and getting to the state fair in time for the last Poison concert ever.

To bide their time on the road, they played 20 Questions and I Spy, but soon that got boring, so they stopped in Chicago to eat. Walking around the Taste of Chicago, they saw a long-haired hippy girly boy selling his art.

"Why do all your pictures have teddy bears?" asked Cece.

"Because they do, all right?" arrogantly said the art vendor.

"I don't like it all. It's silly. I could do it, you little arrogant girl," said Foxy.

The art vendor just rolled his eyes and sipped his Perrier.

Foxy took out her handy knife and stabbed him in the eye socket, twisting until veins and things popped out.

"Don't ever talk to my friend like that, you commie pinko!" said Cece. They decapitated him with the knife. His screams were muffled by Cece's chiffon scarf.

Then they met more art students and killed them all as well.

Killing was boring, they thought; just something to pass the time. They did not want to be compared to the natural born killers of the movies. Un-American and unstylish, Cece always said.

With blood in their path and guts on their tires, they searched on for unknown adventures and exotic pleasures.

American and lethal, and glamorous, too, the Krazy Teens U.S.A. are comin' after you. Will they ever get to the state fair for the Poison concert? Will their adventures still be wild? Part two may never be available, much to my everlasting regret.