111 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York 00000-0000
Customer Service Representative
| July 24, 1997 |
| Levy Book Company 111 Main Street Brooklyn, New York 00000-0000 |
| Dear Employees, |
| After years of barely tolerating the existence of your company, let alone the fact that you infringe upon our standards by presuming to attempt to do business with us, I must unleash the silent rage I have been harboring against you all this time. |
| I will attempt to begin on a soft note by listing what I believe to be your strong points. After much consideration, I have determined that they are limited to the following: that the orientation of your purchase orders on the paper is vertical. I do loathe those customers who print their purchase orders horizontally, forcing me to reposition my stack of papers at great inconvenience to myself and to my company, which pays me to perform more meaningful tasks than the above. At any rate, I commend you for this act of thoughtfulness, although I'm sure it was unintentional. |
| Your sins, however, are many, and go far to negate the above. To begin with, the hiring of your employees Joanie and Miguel marked a sad day for your customer service department. I have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with Miguel on many occasions. No matter how many times I speak with him, he cannot seem to grasp the fact that we do not use ISBN numbers. I am aware that our failure to use ISBN numbers makes us unusual among publishing companies; nevertheless, we don't use them, and Miguel will not accept this fact. Blindly he scribbles them upon each page he sends to us, and with great but limited patience, I call him time and time again to ask him why, why, he insists on this act of madness. However, his intellect is such that he only remembers this fact for less than the time it takes a single globule of drool to plummet from his mouth to his lap. |
| Joanie, on the other hand, is new to my world. I only spoke with her today for the first time. In terms of her intelligence, however, I can only assume that Miguel spawned her, fully grown, no less recently than last month. Joanie cannot grasp that my esteemed company could possibly publish more than one math book per grade level. No matter how many times I attempted to explain to her that each student needs more than one book for our program, this fact still has not sunk in. Since she did ask for me to send her several copies of our current catalog (her use of the number six in this request reassured me that she is at least aware of numbers higher than one), I believed, briefly, that the spotlight of awareness did pass at least once over her barren, neglected brain. But when I heard from a colleague that Joanie had made the same request last week, to no avail, I returned to my prior, harsher opinion of her. |
| In closing, I would like to ask that Levy Book Company perform the public service of referring all of its customers to Everyone Loves to Learn, XXX-XXX-XXXX, in the future. Please limit your direct correspondence with us to checks to close your past due account. |
| Sincerely, |
| |
| Daisy Collins
Customer Service Representative |