issuethree

Letter to the Editor(s?),

I object to what I perceive to be the anti-unionization tone of your “newspaper.” I feel that you are mocking our valiant efforts to create a graduate student union. I do not know if you are a TA or if you teach in any other way, but if you did, you would surely know what it feels like to be scorned and exploited. Some of us even spend up to 20 hours a week preparing to lead a section, which in many cases students do not even show up to! Couldn’t a union make sure that our work is acknowledged and respected? A union could ensure that our students show up to section and that they love learning as much as we do. We just want to have a say in our working conditions. It is true that we have not gone to our professors with our complaints and concerns directly; we have not gone to the chair of the department, nor have we spoken to the Director of Graduate Studies (who is that anyway?). We feel that the union is our final (final, because we explored no other options) and best (because most dramatic, and we know that no one listens to graduate students unless we yell!) solutions to the problems that plague graduate students, both here at Columbia and worldwide. If I could only talk to you one on one and rub your arm a bit, I could convey to you our sentiments more precisely and effectively. Until then, I pray for your soul.

No name, please,
“Disgruntled, Exploited, and Petty"

Note to D, E, and P: Thanks for your submission. We appreciate a good ramble once in awhile, though next time, we would suggest that you save the GSEU/UAW promoting rhetoric for the impending vote.

Letters to the Editor are welcomed. Please send your letter to fayerweatherliberationarmy@yahoo.com

Minister of Defense Launches Midnight Raid! Three Graduate Students Rescued!
Morningside heights, The Salt Mines: The Minister of Defense of the Fayerweather Liberation Army, fresh from his appearance in front of the GSAS Committee on UnColumbian Activities, released the following statement to the press.

Today we announce that we have struck a mighty blow against our oppressors! Last night, a small cadre of loyal Fayerweatherites, under my direction, conducted an extraction operation from the SoHa Pub, where we liberated three graduate students from the shackles of academic servitude.

These three individuals, who prefer to remain nameless, all suffer from Chronic Graduate Student Fatigue Syndrome, or what was formally known at the beginning of the twentieth century as “Ink Shock.” Each is currently undergoing serious pyschological evaluation at the present time, but during moments of lucidity, these three heroes were able to describe in limited detail the sorts of horrors they had to endure.

One student held up his hand, which bore a very large callus and several paper cuts. “I received these injuries,” he said, “making endless photocopies for an undergraduate lecture course. The professor was unhappy with the quality of the copies, so I had to do it over and over again. You can not imagine the pain induced by pushing the print button repeatedly!”

Another student was covered in dust and sneezing profusely. “I was sent to the annex to retrieve several journals that no one has checked out or reviewed in over sixty years. What I can remember most vividly of my experience is the dust. So much dust!”

The third student, who has been largely incommunicative, has an aversion to the color blue. All she can seem to say at this point is “blue…book…blue…book.” Our specialists are working with her to determine the cause of her breakdown.

The Minister, when pressed by reporters for details regarding this liberation operation, smiled and answered only that “the F.L.A. does not use signature cards.”

Funded Student Orgy Called "A Rousing Success!" UAW Reps Protest Poor Working Conditions
FLA investigators have confirmed reports that the history department has hosted a full-service marathon group-sex session for funded students. A prominent history department official called the event a "motivational tool aimed at facilitating the growth of a deeper and moister community of graduate students here at Columbia University." Initial reports over the hd-gha email list that unfunded students were not invited at all have met with conflicting evidence.

The FLA Minister of Propaganda told reporters today that, "Certain unfunded students were allowed into the event, but they were denied the protection they so richly deserve. It's outrageous. I can't believe the department would consider supplying flavored dental dams for fellowship students, but would deny them to the rest of us. Something must be done!"

Other professors interviewed off the record by the FLA expressed surprise that the event was facing graduate student criticism. One said, "The event was a rousing success! I haven't felt this good about my relationship with my advisees in years!"

High-placed members of the Fayerweather Liberation Movement Politburo have confirmed that the Movement's inner circle plans to meet to discuss its military response to these allegations. There is reported to be some dispute as to which ideological tack to take. The Minister of Propaganda: "Are we to fight further for the rights of unfunded students to free group sex on demand? Or are we to focus on the horrors that the facilities management staff face from this sort of oppression? I mean, really... can you imagine having to CLEAN UP after that thing?!?"

Other reports claim that the event was heavily choreographed and directed by a professional adult film crew in hopes of producing a hard-core promotional video for Columbia's history department, "MaXXX Weber and the Co-Eds." Spokesmen for the history department hotly deny the allegations, but first-hand testimony from attending students is compelling. One third year, who asked to remain anonymous, protested, "It was so hot under those great big camera lights. We ran out of lube halfway through. It was horrible, I've never been so frustrated in my life! I'm calling my union rep!"