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March 5, 2001 (AP)-- The Minister of Defense of the Fayerweather Liberation Army, the military wing of the Fayerweather Liberation Front, has released the following statement to the press.

"Strategically speaking, the key to Columbia University is Butler Library. The Macedonians knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. Since our demands have been ignored by the administration (those oppressors!), we have instituted a more drastic plan of action-- but we need your help. Our extensive research has shown that of all the beverage drinkers on campus, 25% actually visit the small coffee shop in Butler Library. Of these individuals, only a small percentage uses all of the condiments available for their beverages. These condiments include sugar, cinnamon, artificial sweeteners, honey, lemon wedges, and creamers.

My proposal, loyal Fayerweatherites, is to launch a systematic campaign of the use of and abuse of these condiments. I challenge you to sneak a couple of sugar packets out with your morning coffee. I suggest that you ask for an extra lemon wedge for your tea. A few sugar packets here or there is no serious drain on the resources of the administration, but a concerted, organized effort to collectively maximize our condiment use will in fact the force the administration to its knees.

Now is the time! We must strike hard at our enemies-- those who would exploit our labor; those who would force us to make endless photocopies for undergraduate lecture courses. Our mission is clear. Our foe has been revealed. Exlpoit the coffee shop as you have been exploited."

Now that the time of the year end student evaluations is nealry upon us, we at the F.L.A. want to ask you to rank, rate, and evaluate the faculty (please no profanity) with whom you have worked this year.

Send your comments, including the professor's name, the course, and what you thought were the highlights (or lowlights) of the course to our address below. Your comments (with or without your name-- whichever makes you comfortable) may be published in our next issue.

Morningside Heights-- Graduate Students at Columbia University have complained about the tactile methods employed by recruiters for that other organization on campus. Said one student, "He walked up to me, grabbed my arm gently, and asked me to sign this card. I thought that he wanted to ask me out, or something." Another student described the encounter as "weird," and added that after being touched "I would sign anything to end the encounter." Students all over campus have been "creeped out" by these touchy feely organizers. The F.L.A. would like to take this opportunity to remind you that your personal space is your own, and that none of our recruiters will invade it!