The Minister of Propaganda Speaks to the People:

Welcome back, friends! We apologize for our absence this semester, but we hope you can accept both our apologies and our explanation. You see, after the horrible events of September 11, the government swooped down upon our mighty organization. It has been a rather effective Kulturkampf. Our leadership has been arrested and detained, as have been the leaders of other prominent groups as GSAU, GASO, At What Cost?, and SATURN. (We have also heard that Students United For Victory has also gone underground, but that may be a nasty rumor. Or was it People for Peace? Whatever. Same thing.)
In any case, we have been informed that these comrades have been sent to the Midwest, where they are actually welding car parts and assembling automobiles. Yes, this makes them card-carrying members of the UAW. Please, pray for our brothers and sisters. Graduate students are a weak and mealy type, and we fear that they will not survive for long as members of the real  proletariat.

In light of the recent tragedies, however, we, the new leadership of the FLA, has decided to institute a number of changes. We hope that they are agreeable to you, our loyal members and even-more-loyal enemies. Read on.

-First and foremost, we are following in the footsteps of our Irish friends and laying down our arms. Armed revolutions simply aren’t funny right now (well, except for an armed cultural revolution. That’s still pretty funny.) Now, we will be fully reliant upon our natural brilliance and sharp wit in order to safeguard the exploited masses.

-We have released our hostages. Since Labor Day, we have held five undergraduates as our hostages / concubines. Talk about not having a say in your working conditions, right? While we devoted ourselves full-time to the cause, they graded papers and even met with our sections and classes (don’t worry; these students were all given a crash course in both history and the art of subterfuge. They were highly qualified and prepared by their first section meetings!).  To see one of the fruits of the negotiations to free these hostages, please see our free advertisement in the November 2001 volume of the Columbia Blue and White .
We are sad to see our friends go, but we look forward to holding them captive again in calmer days.

-The Plenipotentiary of the Subcommittee of the Committee on Reeducation of the Ministry of Education, Science, and the Protection of Culture has been vested with the authority to edit and adjust previous FLA volumes, in accordance with what we perceive to be the changed sentiment in America. In particular, the words “oppression,” “revolution,” “dissent,” “dispute,” “disagreement,” “union,”  “students,” and “faculty” will be replaced with the words “unity,” “unified,” “strong agreement,” “patriotism,” “coalition,” “justice,” “Allies,” “Nazis,” and “FDNY,” to be substituted as appropriate. In addition, the word “war” is not to be used without the adjectives “good” and “evil.”

-We have also tried to create a suitable patriotic slogan. However, this is proving to be somewhat problematic. (“United We Revolt”? We’re not that bad-looking. “United We Fist” somehow does not seem right.) We welcome your suggestions.
 

Half a dozen of the FLA's top leadership were arrested in a fascist sweep in the wake of the recent spitball attacks on Hamilton Hall. Dozens more are missing, and reportedly are being held for "oral examining" -- in clear violation of GSAS policy and the history department handbook.

The response from the FLA Kommittat die Unifikation und Geschlechtsverker was swift and unequivocal.  The Third Under-Deputy for the Assistant Ministry of Truth and interim chair of FLA-KUG made the following public statement: "Holy SHIT, what the FUCK just happened?!?"

Hours later, after retreating for deliberation at an undisclosed location (Nussbaum & Wu) the Committee issued the following statement to the public: "We renounce our former ways of violence. We apologize wholeheartedly for the spitball incident. (Although we still don't think our demand for a sauna was at all unreasonable!)  And we have agreed at once to lay down our guns, give peace a chance, sing kumbaya, and all that other happy happy do-good nonsense that you don't really want or expect from us anyway, you sorry-ass suckers!"

The FLA's Minister of Homeland Security had this to say in response to the announcement of impending demilitarization: "We have taken our weapons. And we have put them in an iron-clad lock-box. The key to the box is in the cupcake. The cupcake is in the cave. We cannot find the cave."

Solidarity!

George Bush Calls FLA a "Terrorist Group,"

Threatens to Hold Brinkley Accountable

Glasnost!

ALA Ministers Continue Corruption Fight:

Unification Talks with FLA on Schedule

The FLA's Minister of Funk released the following statement to the press yesterday: "We are pleased to report on the status of our talks with the ALA, the Avery Liberation Army, the armed wing of ALMAW, the Avery Liberation Movement and Auto Workers.  Reports of internal dissension among the ALMAW inner circle have been greatly exaggerated.  Minister P has volunteered for extensive yoga and self-criticism, admitting to ALMAW leadership, 'I did not do the coke, I only smoked.'  [See the ALA Newsletter, _ALAN_ 73905 (July 12, 2001): 'Minister P: Diddy or Didn'ty?']

"Internal Reform will not prevent our brothers and sisters and trans-gendered pseudo-siblings from celebrating the anniversary of our glorious revolution. Constitutional negotiations for a formal unification of our two orders continue
on schedule."

FLA inside sources admit that part of the delay centers on why precisely Avery needs liberating.  A high-ranking staffer for the Minister of Wicket claimed: "It's all about the library circulation policies.  I mean, really.  Have you ever noticed you can't take anything OUT of there?  What's THAT about?!?"

But Professor Blank, who has written extensively about ALMAW, admits, "It's really more of an auto issue.  I mean, you've seen Avery.  Where are all the auto workers going to PARK?"

The Minister of Funk did not address these crucial issues in his statement, concluding only that "on the key problem of which came first, the chicken or the graduate student, all parties have agreed to disagree."