The Controller Abuser

vs.

the Co-Dependent Enabler-excuser

"Idols demand more and more and provide less and less,
until eventually they give you nothing and demand everything."
Jeffrey Satinover

Try These Tests
Co-Dependent Controller
Check all that apply Check all that apply
(TCP=That Certain Person) (TCP=That Certain Person)

I value TCP's values and opinions rather than my own. I often manipulate TCP to do it "my way."
My thoughts are about solving TCP's problems. I want TCP to be a reflection of me.
My interests are pushed aside to pursue TCP's interests. TCP must look bad in order for me to look good.
TCP's feelings are taking the place of my own. When criticism is offered, I justify and excuse what I did.
Fear of TCP's anger determines what I say and do. I need to be at the center of attention most of the time.
I am pulling away from friends and family as I draw closer to TCP. When things go wrong, it's always other people's fault.

Don't spend major time with minor people.
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you,
break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgemental,
have different values and don't back you up during difficult times...
that is not a friend.


For a more comprehensive list of codependency traits:
http://www.winternet.com/~terrym/codependency.html

For how controllers use conspiracy theories:
http://www.acts17-11.com/conspire_sum.html

For control in the home and church:
http://www.watchman.ca/spiritcontrol.com

Signs of Abuse:
http://wwww.bigpages.com/lifeskills/signs.html


The Co-Dependent: The Controller:
  • "The fear is that if I ask God specifically for what I really want it's going to be immoral, illegal or fattening, so why bother. Just smile, pray in general terms, praise the Lord, and don't reveal my own desires or I'll be disappointed or they may be wrong."


    From Healing the Eight Stages of Life


    by Matthew and Dennis Linn; and Sheila Fabricant


  • The promises of paternalistic strength are deceptive, humiliating: submit and I will take care of you; how I do it is up to me. The strength of an autonomous person has no nurturance: you need me, I don't need you. Submit.

    Richard Sennett

Mercy and Truth must be coequal.
Truth must not be sacrificed for mercy;
and vice-versa.
"My husband and I
divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't."


My grandfather took me to the fish pond on the farm when I was about seven, and he told me to throw a stone into the water. He told me to watch the circles created by the stone. Then he asked me to think of myself as that stone person.

You may create lots of splashes in your life but the waves that come from those splashes will disturb the peace of all your fellow creatures," he said.
"Remember that you are responsible for what you put in your circle and that circle will also touch many other circles. You will need to live in a way that allows the good that comes from your circle to send the peace of that goodness to others. The splash that comes from anger or jealousy will send those feelings to other circles. You are responsible for both."

That was the first time I realized each person creates the inner peace or discord that flows out into the world. We cannot create world peace if we are riddled with inner conflict, hatred, doubt, or anger. We radiate the feelings and thoughts that we hold inside, whether we speak them or not. Whatever is splashing around inside of us is spilling out into the world, creating beauty or discord with all other circles of life.


I am convinced that 99 percent of us are addicted to something, whether it's eating, shopping, blaming, or taking care of other people. The simplest definition of an addiction is anything we use to fill the empty place inside of us that belongs to God alone.

Barbara Brown Taylor

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HE WHO ANGERS YOU....CONTROLS YOU!

Recommended Reading

General Reading
Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
Facing Codependency:
What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives
by Pia Mellody
Toxic Parents and Their Hurtful Legacy by Dr.Susan Forward
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science by Anne Wilson Schaef

Christian Reading
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Please Don't Say You Need Me:Biblical Answers for Codependency
by Jan Silvious (Note: This is probably the best Christian book we've seen on this vital subject)
Learning To Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Roberts Liardon
The Burden of Freedom by Miles E. Munroe


Trouble at Home

Small pictures at the top of the page courtesy of:
button.gif (2797 bytes)
www.designs4free.com

The animated Elephant courtesy of:
www.animatedgifs.simplenet.com

for other credits...see the first page
www.oocities.org/fcov.geo

1999