What if you could have everything you wished for without repercussions? But there'd be a price right? There's always a price.
I wished for a way out of Kentucky-
Along came the call from Florida.
I prayed for Backstreet's success-
It's more than I ever dreamed.
I asked for a beautiful woman to love-
Leighanne came into my life.
I have everything I have ever wanted; I'm on top of the world.
So some would see it.
From the stage, it's a whole different scene.
It's a cruel business that I live in. Full of uncertainties and compromises. Somehow, I go through it together with the fellas and my wife at my side.
But the damnedest things can and will change your life very quickly.
Soon it may not even be possible to know who you are anymore . . .
Brian's Tale: Reflections
December 16, 2000
December 29, 2000
January 20, 2001
May 17, 2001
May 21, 2001
May 24, 2001
June 3, 2001
June 4, 2001
June 5, 2001
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Amos 5:18
. . . . .It will become darkness and not light
December 16, 2000
Everyone has imperfections. Perhaps we think they don't or they shouldn't because we expect too much out of them. Maybe we fault them to hide our own.
But that's not fair, is it? Of course not, but people do it anyway. Because the world is not fair. If it was husbands wouldn't cheat on their wives now would they?
Staring out at the screaming fans, I feel displaced, somehow removed from it all.
I can see them calling my name. I can see the signs and other gifts of adoration. I can't hear it, not the music, the fans, the usual concert noise, not even my own voice as it sings its melody. It's becoming a steady hum until it disappears into nothing.
Slowly everyone fades away first the band, the crowd, the guys till I'm left on the stage. The only one I can see is Leighanne smiling at me from her position peeking from the backstage curtains.
She says something to me but I can't hear over the deafening silence. She becomes frustrated and angry that I can't understand. It never occurs to me to walk over to her but I stand there until she too vanishes into nothing.
Empty on the inside; naked on the outside.
I wake feeling I'll be empty inside forever, that soon I shall lose my soul.
I wake and reach out for my wife. She is not there but at our home in Orlando. Instead, I'm in yet another hotel room. We have another performance and as I stare out at the crowd, a fear grips my heart. But I get myself together. I have to.
This isn't a dream. This is real life and I have to keep the act up.
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Psalm 39:3-6
My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned,
Then I spoke with my tongue
"Lord make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days
That I may know how frail I am
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths
And my age is as nothing before You
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor
Surely every man walks about like a shadow
December 29, 2000
The dream continues to reoccur. Sometimes it's at a radio or TV interview but always the guys are the last to go then Leighanne as she tries to tell me something. And always I'm left with my body for a shell because eventually my soul leaves me too. I can stare into my eyes. Empty and hollow. If I reach out and brush this shell of me, I'll shatter into a thousand pieces.
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Psalm 38:17
For I am ready to fall
My sorrow is continually before me
January 20, 2001
In all actuality that dream became reality. I pushed everyone away from me in
that period in my life. Something in me was changing and I didn't know how to deal. Instead of maybe talking it out with someone, I let it eat at me and fill me with unease with my life. I blamed it on everyone. On the media, on management, on the guys for not being there for me when I know they did all they could to help, and Leighanne, my beloved Leighanne. Before this all got started, I pushed her away. On tour, I told her to go home. At home I preferred to be elsewhere. For award ceremonies, shows and public gatherings, I started going by myself or taking a mutual friend. Often times more than not, I hired a hooker and skipped it all together. My life began spinning out of control then. Alcohol, sex, even some drugs. I started regularly missing concerts and shows, not even caring.
Me the one they all called to for prayer when the bad times hit. The one who kept the faith strong to lead the group on. The leader everyone called me. And, the funniest part, I was the one who could be counted on to be strong. But you were wrong, they all were. Surely not Brian, not me. I'm too weak to even keep my life and myself from falling down around.
It was all getting to me. Life was getting to me. And I had to end it, end it all. I had to end Life.
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Lamentations 3:6
He has set me in dark places
Like the dead of long ago
May 17, 2001
Somehow after months of my life started spinning out of control I found myself in a burning motel room. Suddenly I woke up to all that I'd done. Girls who looked to be underage were running around screaming. I saw the fire, leaping its hot red flames at me but it never registered in my mind. Yes, yes it did in the back of my mind, I knew this was what I'd been trying for. All the months of my self-destruction had been leading up to this defining moment. Maybe I could blame it on the drugs affecting my brain or perhaps the correct word is thank the drugs, for it could have been them that saved my life. When you're high you have this incredible feeling of invincibility. That nothing can touch you. I simply ignored that fire that surged around me. In the hazy boundaries of my mind, I dismissed it all. While the girls ran out of the room I calmly walked myself into the bathroom.
Yes, maybe it was the drugs that saved my life that time, but the fight for life was still yet to come. I had passed one test but I still believed my life had to end. I couldn't let myself live.
At least that was what I told myself and after awhile I found reasons for the remark.
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James 1:16
So not be deceived, my beloved brethren
May 21, 2001
The cold has sunk into my bones from the warmth I've removed myself from. Not the warmth of the alcohol or women but the warmth that comes from love and fills you with a glow. In addition to the cold is the wetness. I sit on a cold, dark, wet, bathroom floor with no windows. I find it has become my prison where I must be imprisoned for the crimes against the ones that I loved. I want to cry with despair over the misery I've made my life into.
I've fucked things up really good now. My marriage is over. Leighanne has probably filed for divorce by now, and I wouldn't blame her. But the problem with that is that I need her. Right now at this moment I need her more than I have ever needed anybody in my life. If I were honest, as I should have been before I needed her then before the long months settled in. Only then I was too scared and coward to say so. Scared of these feelings, I guess. Scared of what that dream really meant.
The dream that turned into a nightmare.
And the fellas have every right to kick my ass to the curb and find another member. I wonder if they will. Back days before my surgery, when I worried about whether I would receive enough grace to survive it, I had a talk with the guys.
"If I don't make it-"
"Don't even think like that."
"Kev, I have to. Just listen. If I don't I have to know what you'll do."
"What do you mean what will we do? We'll mourn your ass like hell. That's what."
"Thanks Nicky, but that's not what I mean. What about Backstreet Boys?"
"You are Backstreet, so there's no talking replacement. You're going to make it, we'll just have to put another CD out and kick *Nsync's ass in record sales. End of story."
"I have to know. Will you replace me? You have to think about this. If I don't make it-"
"Bri, for the last time, it's like Bone said, you will make it and we will continue to make music. It can't go any other way. We don't have to consider anything else. The answer is no. No replacement, no one's dying. Got it? End of discussion."
"Thanks Howie, guys, I just had to know."
"There should have been no question."
I've always said anything is possible and I've proved myself right. I've never thought it possible for me to sink so low, to lose everything.
Damn, I hate being right.
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Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord
May 24, 2001
"Brian?"
Now I know I was going crazy. I could almost swear I could hear Leighanne speaking my name. Her voice pulled at my heart. I didn't trust myself to believe it. I couldn't. That'd be giving in to the madness. But she called my name with such sweetness and honesty that I prayed for God to forgive me of all that I'd done. I wanted Leighanne to forgive me. That would make it better. So much better to live life again.
"Brian."
If only her voice would stop torturing me. If I became sane again, I might become whole as well. But never completely whole. Just as I promised her on our wedding day, I'm never whole without her.
"Brian." The first time I heard her say my name
"Brian? That's the blonde one you're crushing on?"
"Shh! Isn't that what I just said. It's more than a crush. Something serious, something lasting."
"That's love girl. Nothing less."
"Yeah but does he feel the same way?"
"Are you crazy? Anyone can see it when he looks at you. Oh, I want to be the maid of honor."
"Who's talking marriage?"
"I am. You two are meant to last."
"Oh, Lynn, I hope so. I really do think I'm in love."
"Brian."
There she goes again. I just wish someone would make it stop. I need this but this is too much to handle.
"Brian, it's me Leighanne."
Don't taunt me. I know that voice anywhere. Go away. Just go away.
"Brian."
God, please.
"Open the door."
The door? The door to the bathroom, of course. Could she be on the other side? My salvation could be only a few steps away.
"We can talk, if you open the door."
Talk? I didn't want to talk. I wanted to hold her in the morning sunlight, to touch her face again, to kiss her once more, just once more.
"Just open the door baby..."
"We'll talk. It's okay. I'll understand. Come out and talk to me."
She thought her promises were stable but it was not the one thing I needed to hear.
Could she say it once more?
Did she love me still?
No amount of talking could replace those words, none. Didn't she know how vital that simple mixture of vowels and constants were to my existence?
"Brian, I . . ."
Could she, would she ever say them again?
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Song of Solomon 4:9
You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my spouse;
You have ravished my heart
With one look of your eyes
June 3, 2001
"Brian, I don't know what to say. At first I tried to be there for you but you turned me away. After all the women I got angry until I saw that it did me no good. I tried to understand it. To be that understanding wife I thought you needed. But that didn't help either. So I didn't know what to do. I thought I could talk to you to work this out but you were never home or unreachable wherever you were. They guys didn't know what was wrong. We were all so clueless to help you. It's like we were watching you drown but there was no way to pull you back to the shore of life. And I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. I tried so hard for you.'
There are tears in her voice, quiet whispers of choked emotion flooding through her. I could hear it and it pained me.
"Kevin blamed himself. In the begining he'd promised your mom he'd look out for you. He's still trying to keep to that. But it really wasn't his job. It was mine. Because I'm your wife, dammit. I should have been by your side through it all. I never meant to let you down. I wanted to be there for you. I tried." Her words gave way to tears.
After all this time that's what she believed? That it was her fault? All of my problems were my own. I had to deal with them on my own. I didn't see what I'd done.
"It wasn't you. It wasn't you at all baby." My voice cracked from misuse.
"Brian? Is that really you?"
I found clearing my throat didn't help any. I tried again for a second time. "It's me." All I could get out was a whisper.
"Brian, open the door." On the other side I could hear hope in her voice.
"Tell me." I pleaded. I don't know how far my voice came through or with what clarity. I knew I was standing on the edge begging for my sanity and my life back.
Until the day we die, we promised, I'll say it until I have breath no longer . . .
"Until the day I die," She quoted. "I promise to love you forever."
Through the days when I'm weak and you're stronger . . .
"Till the nights where you're poor and I'm richer."
Everyday I'll tell you the truth so . . .
"You'll never forget and always know."
I'm here to hold you tight . . .
"So you won't lose your way."
And every night you'll here me say . . .
"I love you." I had to admit it was a wonderful sound to my ears.
Even more than that the door was opening. There she was standing in front of me. Behind her the light radiates from the room as though she were an angel. My angel has come to rescue me and take me home. Now I see her eyes, there is emotion there-pain, anger, hurt, and disgust. And I can't blame her for any of it.
But really can you blame me for the hope in my heart contained in her voice moments ago? No. My glass hope has shattered. She said the words; yes but the look in her eyes tells me it was nothing further from the truth.
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Romans 1:20-21
For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen,
Being understood by the things that are made,
Even his eternal power and Godhead;
So that they are without excuse:
Because that, when they knew God,
They glorified him not as God,
Neither were thankful;
But became vain in their imaginations,
And their foolish heart was darkened.
June 4, 2001
There is no time or place. Everything has been frozen in a stand still.
Floating through space. An empty black void.
Songs and lyrics drifted past. My life was this music and now it flashed before my eyes in colors. Vivid colors for all the success, bright colors for happy times and dark when things went downhill. Finally the images stopped to one frame.
It was one of me in a hotel room somewhere, staring out of the large window.
Seeing myself there I could feel a wash of sadness come over me only for a second in time gone so quickly it didn't register to the physical me, the me then. Leighanne walked into the room and like a bubble the image popped. The scene moved on and the moment was gone.
I realized that was about a year ago when it first started. That was the begining of my dark path.
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Psalm 102:10
Because of Your indignation and Your wrath;
For you have lifted me up and cast me away
June 5, 2001
"Why is that?"
"What?" I glanced at her, Leighanne, my wife. We were out of the bathroom now. We'd moved to another hotel, a more nicer one, I noted. Neither of us talked and the silence hung between us like stale air.
"Why is it that when you give yourself to something or someone you end up hurt? The only alternative is just to let it go."
There was something in her voice. Something that didn't sound right. I turned to look at her directly. "What are you saying?"
"After all of this I still love you, I can't help myself but I also know that I can't stay. These past few weeks, everything has been too much. I can't take it anymore. I have to go. I'd be a fool if I stayed."
"Leighanne, I . . . " What could I say? Would anything I say make her stay? Leighanne was a very determined woman, one of the very reasons why I love her.
She turned to face me and I could hear in her head very distinctly saying 'This better be good.'
"I love you and that's all that I can say." I held my hands out helplessly in front of me. "I know that I fucked up, honestly I do. I went through a rough time in my life and instead of coming to you like I should have done I went the other way."
I paused and ran my hand over my chin. I was beginning to grow a beard. "There's nothing more that I can say. I want for us to work this out. There has to be a way."
She shook her head. "I don't know anything anymore."
Before she could say more. The door opened and the guys came flying in.
"Man, Rok, what happened to you?" Nick asked concern all over his face.
"Public relations people are going to chew you up." That's from Kevin.
"You look rough. You could use a shave." Howie.
"A shave and a shower and who knows what else. Boy, you are just rank!" Typical AJ comment.
I cannot say how good it is to see all of them again. They crowded around me pushing jokes and general fun but underneath it all I could see how scared they were for me. I hadn't realized what I'd done.
"I'm here, guys. Here to stay."
I turned to look at Leighanne. I just caught a glance of her arm going out of the door. Behind her suits filed in the room, lawyers and people from Jive and The Firm. Leighanne disappeared. And I knew it was over.
Time for business, back to what could've called been normal. Whatever normal was before.
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