AJ n Cris Trilogy
We should be right here
Get through all this fear
One of these days
Cause when it comes along
We should be right here
One of these days
This could be heaven
This could be heaven
Livin' for the part
Givin' from the heart
Now and forever
But if we let it wait too long
What we have is gone
Memory only
This could be heaven
Maybe we could start a life today
This could be heaven
Love instead of throwin' it all away
This could be heaven
You and me, we know we're our best friends
This could be heaven
Whoever thought we would get this far
Tryin' for all these years
The thought that we would fade away
Was more than I could bear
Oh, I would do anything if you would stay
If you'd stay
Say
We should be right here
Get through all this fear
One of these days
One of these days
This could be heaven
Turnin' it on for human kind
With you by my side
This could be heaven
Sure we could decide to run away
But we'd run away from all this here
This could be heaven
*This Could Be Heaven* Seal Click to listen to the song.
Again
*1*
*2* *3**Intermission*
__________
*1*
"Hello?" Cris peeked her head in the house. "Anybody here?"
"Are you sure we're not early?" Michelle asked.
"This is me. I couldn't get the time right if I tried. And believe me I have."
"Well are you sure you got the time right?"
"Yeah. Three 'o clock." Cris checked her watch.
"Well, where do you think they are?"
"I have no clue." Cris shrugged and sat her bags down. She stood there thinking. "Maybe he went out for a moment. He'll be back soon."
"I think I heard something."
"Where?"
"That way." Michelle pointed to their left.
"Probably just the dogs."
"No, I don't think so. Come on let's check it out."
Michelle led her through the door.
Cris jumped back as several people yelled at once. "Surprise!"
"Oh my God!" She observed the group as they still laughed at her. "Okay, where is he? Alex, come out here."
AJ emerged from the back. "It's wasn't my idea, babe. I swear."
"Who's was it?"
AJ pointed to Howie.
"I should have know it was Howard. You know I hate surprises."
"I had to do something to pay you back for spreading that rumor about me."
"Yeah." Cris turned apologetic. "Sorry about that."
"Yeah, yeah. Enough of that. I brought the bubbly." Michelle pulled a wine bottle of out her large carryall purse.
AJ stiffened beside Cris.
"Michelle! No you didn't bring that." Cris shrieked.
"What?" Michelle looked around in confusion.
Cris looked at the bottle. "That!"
"Oh, girl chill." She turned the bottle around. "It's sparkling grape juice. That is okay isn't it?" She looked to AJ.
He relaxed. "Yeah it's cool."
"Okay then. Where's some cups? Can someone open this for me?"
"I will." One guy stepped forward.
"Oh let me make introductions." AJ said. "Cris, Michelle this is Jerry a friend of mine from AA. Jerry my lovely fiancée and her best friend since third grade."
"Third grade? No kidding." Jerry responded. "Well Michelle, welcome to LA."
"Thank you." Michelle replied.
Cris watched the expression on Michelle and Jerry's face. She looked to AJ to see if he saw something too. He shrugged.
Cris crooked a finger at AJ. "I need to talk to you, privately."
Her serious tone broke the happy atmosphere.
"In here." AJ led her into the den. He crossed the room. "What's wrong?"
Cris couldn't help but to laugh at the concerned expression on his face. "Nothing. Come here."
A smile broke out on AJ's face when he pulled her closer. "I missed you."
Cris licked her lips. "You have no idea."
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__________
"I was thinking ballgown for the bridesmaids gowns." Cris handed Blake a Brides' magazine.
"Don't tell me you plan to cover Michelle's beautiful shape. Go for a-line. Silver with a light blue lining underneath. It'd be perfect."
"Why didn't I think of that?"
Her sarcasm was lost on him. "Girl let's be honest. You're good but no where as good as me." He checked the clock. "I have to go. We'll get together for lunch before the wedding. You might pick the wrong flowers or something."
"Oh get out of my house." She kicked him towards the door.
"Let me remind you, honeychild. It's not your house yet." He opened the front door. "Now give me a kiss before you make me late."
She gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. "Thank you so much for coming."
"No problem kid. Just what I needed to make my day-a little bit of Cris."
She turned and saw several pairs of suspicious eyes on her. Some of AJ's friends had just come up the driveway along with Jerry and Michelle who'd gone to get ice.
"Michelle look Blake is here. He was in LA the whole time. And we didn't even know it."
"You were just hugging up to that guy." Jerry pointed out. "And not just any hug either."
"That's just the way she is." Michelle said as she carried the bags of ice in. "Friendly. Real friendly."
"He's an old friend." Cris brushed it off. The group still stared at her. "And he's gay."
"Oh." There was a collective sigh.
Blake smiled. "Cris, sweetie, I really have to go."
"Let me walk you to your car." He parked along the street.
"The cute ones are always gay." Cris heard someone say.
"Thank you." Blake called behind him.
Once Cris saw Blake off she returned to the living room to check the baby monitor.
"They're fine." AJ said from behind her. "They settled in a few minutes ago. Jessica is upstairs taking a nap and so is the baby."
"I just worry is all."
"I know and it's alright to worry. Isn't that why they're here not in Maryland?"
Cris nodded. "I still can't believe that bastard hit her. He had no right to hit my sister. Jess is way too fragile for that shit."
"Calm down babe. They are safe now."
She gathered the papers and samples from the coffee table.
"Is Blake helping you plan the wedding?"
She nodded. "He has some really good ideas. We came up with a theme. Heaven. All blue and silver. How does that sound?"
He nodded as he kissed her. "What ever you want. This is your wedding."
"I thought I heard the guys say something about going to somebody's house for awhile. Are you going?"
"Are you?"
"They're your friends."
"And I want you to get to know all of them. Beside are you trying to get rid of me?"
"Absolutely not. I have you for the rest of our lives. But right now Nikki is coming over to talk and we don't have much time together."
Michelle walked in. "Is Nikki here yet? Don't we have a wedding to plan?"
"I'm surprise you and Jerry can tear yourselves away from each other for that long." AJ commented.
"Cris, you better let him know. I won't hesitate to kick his ass."
"Honey, please. We don't want any bruises on you when the day comes. I don't think that your mother would be too pleased with me. Just leave her alone."
Michelle scolded at AJ when he passed her out of the room.
"I'll leave you two to your, um girl chat." He kissed Cris. "She's scary." He whispered.
"I know."
Before long Nikki joined them and they began discussing the ceremony. Later Cris heard the phone ring and listened for a moment before standing to answer it. After two rings it stopped. Assuming AJ answered it she sat back down.
"It's probably Whitney. She said that she would call when she got a break."
AJ walked in. "Cris, baby, phone for you."
She looked at his hand. "Where's the cordless?"
"Maybe you should take it in the office."
She sensed something was off but didn't say anything. AJ gave her a light kiss and squeezed her arm before leaving her alone.
"Hello?" She pressed the speakerphone button.
"Cristian, darling. How are you?"
"Mother." Cris sighed. "How did you get this number?"
"Thank goodness Jessica thought to inform us. Without her we wouldn't have a clue as to your whereabouts."
"I left it that way for a reason."
"Oh never mind that. Who is this man you're marring? I hope he's acceptable."
"By that you mean what exactly?"
"Well is he from a respectable family?"
"Yes. His mother is one of the most decent people I've ever met."
"Who is his father?"
"His father is really not important."
"Hmm." Cris could picture her mother with lips pursed and the look of displeasure on her face. "What does he do?"
"He's a musician." Cris wasn't about to add he was one who has already sold over 50 million albums world wide.
"And how stable is that? A musician? Really Cristian."
"Mother I am not about to stand here and justify his choice of career to you." Cris sat down.
"Honestly Cristian, I swear I will never understand you. Why must you act this way?"
"It was you who called me, was it not?"
"Only because you seem to have forgotten how to pick up a phone. I called to congratulate you."
Cris was hesitant. It was not something she was expecting. "Thank you."
"And to tell you that Matthews boy called."
"Danny?" Cris knew there had to be something else.
"Yes that it. Daniel Matthews. He's been asking about you again."
"Do you know he didn't give a damn about how I felt the entire time we went out?"
"Is that really so important to you? He works for your father now at the bank."
"That's very nice. He's trying to score brownie points through Daddy."
Cristian heard her mother sigh. "Couldn't you give him another chance?"
"No. Mother I'm engaged for Christ's sake."
"That can be changed. Mrs. Matthews. I'm sure that sounds better than . . . what is his name dear?"
"McLean, Mother. Alexander McLean."
"I'm positive Daniel is a much better man."
"Then you go fucking marry him."
"Excuse me. I am still your mother. Cristian I don't get you. . . . why, why can't you be more like your sister?"
"And look where it got her. A black eye and bruised ribs."
"No. A husband with a stable career and a chance at a real future with a family. Look at you Cristian. In Los Angeles for Heaven's sake, moving all the way across the country. All for a man. I thought you were the independent one."
"You never knew a damn thing about me."
"I am your mother. Of course I know."
"Don't give me that shit. Do you know why I left home at all?"
"Why, to experience life some. You wanted to go abroad. Besides the sun shine is good for your health."
"I have no health problems. You made that up just to tell people around town. I left to get away from you."
"Well I'm sure your father will be very upset by that news."
"I'm sure Daddy will. But I'm not talking about him. I talking about you Mother."
"Cristian Marie Dane."
"No. Mother don't patronize me. You've done that all my life and I won't let you anymore. You are a selfish cruel bitch."
"You know darn well I love you and Jessica both-"
"You love the image of the perfect daughter. The minute that slipped you turned from her.
Mother I am the top executive of a nationally known firm at 23. Are you even the tiniest bit proud of me?" Despite herself she honestly wanted the recognition from her mother. "I self handedly convinced the senior partners to let me head the opening of the new Los Angeles branch. If it weren't for me they wouldn't even be a West Coast department. This will increase our sales, improve our clientel and boost our name even further as one of the nation's best. All because of me."
AJ came in and seeing Cris upset walked over and placed his arms around her. She closed her eyes before he could see the tears.
"I'm happy for you. I just hope you aren't the same unsociable outcast as before." Her mother asked. "Really I hope you aren't trying to cover the fact that you still are the lonely public mistake you were in high school."
AJ kissed Cris' neck. He was starting not to like the woman and he hadn' t even met her yet. "Hello Mrs. Dane."
"Hello again. Is my daughter still there? I'd like to know what her wedding plans are. It'd give me enough time to talk some sense in her."
"What do you want Mother?"
"You to marry Daniel Matthews of course. Surely you must be joking about this musician. No offense to your young man."
"Mother this is no joke." Her voice was clear of emotion now and she spoke strongly.
"Mrs. Dane, I love your daughter. Come to the wedding and see for yourself."
"I would love to see the mockery my daughter has made of her life."
"Don't bother. Tell Daddy I said hi. And Mother?"
"Yes?"
"Don't call me anymore. From here on out I refuse to acknowledge you. Goodbye. And by the way. Jess is staying with me until she is better and even until she decides she wants to take Amelia back to a home like that. If it was me, I wouldn't have my child in the same state as you."
Cris pressed the button and ended the call.
She stood for a moment contemplating what she'd just done. Finally when it hit her, her dam of reserve broke. Luckily AJ was there. She let him hold her.
"It's okay, baby."
"Excuse me." She broke free and headed for the door. She dried her tears and carried on with the courage that AJ loved so much about her. "Nikki and Michelle are waiting for me."
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__________
"Cris, wait." AJ stopped her. "I need to talk to you."
"Not now, Alex. Can we do this another time?"
"Now, baby. I know you don't want to but it's important that we do it soon. And I don't want to put it off any longer."
"What about Nikki and Michelle . . .?"
"They can wait. Come here." He reached for her. She pulled back. "No Cris, honey don't pull away from me. Not now. Just let me ask you a question." He stroked her face.
"What?" She whispered.
"Answer me honestly, okay?"
She nodded.
"Why won't you let me be here for you? You don't have to keep it all in. You can't be strong all the time."
She shook her head.
"Yes. Yes you are. Just tell me if you'll let me into your heart. We are engaged to be married in a few weeks and I need to know if you can trust me enough to open your heart."
"Yes a million times yes, you know that. This is just a personal issue I need to work through by myself."
"You work out too many problems by yourself. Why won't you let me help you?"
"Alex can we do this another time? I really have a million things to do and like you said the wedding is in a few weeks." He started to speak. "Yes, I do love you and I promise we'll talk about this later."
Cris left the room with AJ thinking.
Later that evening when everyone had left or gone to their rooms AJ and Cris move onto the patio to watch the sunset. The purples and blues faded into reds and orange.
"I love you." Cris kissed him. "I'm sorry about earlier."
"Don't worry about it. We're getting married and that's all that matters."
"You are too good to me." She shifted positions in his lap so that she was facing him.
"I know." They were quiet for a moment. "We don't have a song."
"I know, I was just thinking about that."
"Any ideas?"
"There's this one song that I heard by Seal."
"The kissed by a rose guy."
"He has more songs than that."
"How does the song go?"
"I only heard the song once though. I can't remember exactly how it goes."
"Sing some of it."
"Are you kidding? Me? Sing?"
"Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard you before."
"There's a reason for that. I sound horrible."
"No you couldn't." AJ played with her hair and watching the strands run through his fingers. "There are people who sound worse than you with record contracts."
"I know that."
"Well see, at least you don't suck at it." He kissed her forehead.
"Thanks."
She thought for a moment.
"Maybe we could start a life today
This could be heaven
Love instead of throwin' it all away
This could be heaven
You and me, we know we're our best friends
This could be heaven "
"I like it."
"I can't remember the name."
"It's usually the most repeated line in the song. How about 'This could be heaven'?"
"That could be it." She agreed.
They sat in comfortable silence watching the stars come out.
"What do you think heaven looks like?" She asked.
"My mother once said that heaven is comprised of all your happiest memories and all the people you take with you."
Cris reflected quietly. She stood and held out her hand to AJ. "Want to go to heaven with me?"
AJ looked up at her. "How?"
"For starters in the bedroom."
"Oh?"
"Hm." They kissed. "We'll create our own."
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__________
Oh, baby, I found heaven when I found you
And this heaven is somethin' I don't wanna lose
I only know that if you ever said goodbye, I couldn't stand the pain
These eyes would cry, cry, cry like the rain
And the sun would have nowhere to shine
And the stars would all fall from the sky
Baby, please
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
Cause this world would stop turnin', I know
And I'd lose my whole world if you go
Baby, don't
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
Oh, baby, I saw forever when I saw you
And if you left me, I can't imagine what I'd do
Now that I've gone and built my world around your love, I couldn't let you go
Don't ever say goodbye, no, don't, don't, don't ever go
'Cause the sun would have nowhere to shine
And the stars would all fall from the sky
Baby, please
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
Cause this world would stop turnin', I know (Yes, I know)
And I'd lose my whole world if you go (If you go)
Baby, please
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
'Cause you might as well take my life from me
What good would a life without you be anyway (Anyway)
If you go away
Well, the sun would have nowhere to shine
And the stars would all fall from the sky (From the sky)
Baby, please
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
'Cause this world would stop turnin', I know (Yes, I know)
And I'd lose my whole world if you go (If you go)
Baby, don't, no
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
Don't take away my heaven, don't take away your love
Don't take away my world 'cause baby, I need your touch
Baby, don't
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
Please don't take away my heaven
Please
Baby, don't, oh, no
Don't take away my heaven, oh...
Don't take away my heaven, don't take away your love
Don't take away my world 'cause baby, I need your touch
Baby, don't, oh
Don't take away my heaven, oh, no
*Don't Take Away My Heaven* Aaron Neville Click to listen to the song.
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__________
3 years later
Cris stood in front of the mirror in her underwear. She was contemplating wearing the green dress that Alex said matched her eyes. She knew Alex loved this one. She needed to get her marriage back on track. Question was could she even still get into it? She was gaining weight. Maybe ...? She placed a hand on her stomach. No she couldn't hope for that. As much as Alex would love that. She didn't want to tell him. Her appointment at the doctors had been very eventful. She heard the toilet flushing and she hurried to make her choice. Cris sighed and reached over and pulled out a black and white outfit instead.
AJ stepped out in his boxers. "What are your plans for today?"
She took a minute to admire his body.
"I have some meetings this morning. Why?"
"I was thinking I could come by and take you out to lunch." He kissed her on the shoulder.
"Yeah, okay. Around 1. I should be out by then. What are you doing?"
"Nothing much. Meeting with some people about the new CD. Just sitting there bored out of my mind wishing I could hold my wife in my arms." He ran his hands down her arms and linked their hands together. They stood that way for a moment longer. He stepped back.
"Well I'll let you go. Don't want you to be late."
"I run my own company now. I can do that, remember?"
"What time do you expect to get to the office?"
"In an hour," She kissed him. "Or two. Maybe even after another long hot shower."
"Sounds good."
She nodded. "Doesn't it?"
"And how do you expect to spend this hour of yours?"
"I'm not quite sure. I was going to let you decide that. Be creative."
"That I can do." He picked her up and laid her on the bed. "That and more."
Cris sat at the desk in the den going over paperwork. All day she'd been trying to tell him. Lunch was agonizing. She eyed him. How would he take it? One way to find out. "I went by the doctors." She said as though it was something she did everyday. Right after dinner before the coffee. 'Honey guess what?'
"And?" AJ looked up from the couch where he'd been going over some papers from his meeting earlier. What they contained was discussed in the meeting but he had other things on his mind. A slight distraction was welcomed.
"He said, that um ... that the abortion I had when I was 18 might have ruined our chances of having a baby."
"But it's still possible, right?"
"It's like a million to one."
"But there's still a chance." He insisted.
"He said that there would be complications that might cause me to miscarry." She didn't know how she could get the words out so calmly.
"I know we can do this." He came up behind her and held her tight.
She held him to her. She didn't want him to see that she really didn't want the baby. She did on some level, but only for him. Being a father would make him so proud. It was something that she wanted to give him. Although she was the one who'd have to carry it and birth it. She was scared. Of screwing up. Of not being a good mother. Her worse fear was watching it grow up and blame all of its problems on her, or hating her like she did her own mother. She wondered if this was how her mother felt. Scared just wanting this being you brought into the world to love you because you're its mother. She sighed. At least she had Alex, and that would never change.
The phone rang.
"I'll get it." AJ volunteered not happily.
Cris capped her pen and put her work in her briefcase. She would have to finish it later. Then she began searching through the leftovers from dinner. The little corner of cheesecake left was looking good.
"I forgot about that. Hold on. I said hold on." AJ covered the mouthpiece. "Hon, are we still on for tonight at Jerry's?"
"You mean that bastard who dumped my best friend? My best friend since third grade?" She
smiled. It was a running joke between them. "Tell Jerry I'll see him at eight."
"Alright. Yeah man we're on. Yeah, she said see you at eight. That means it'll be around eight-thirty."
"Ask him if we need to bring anything."
"She said do we need to bring anything. Hell no." AJ laughed. "Yeah, see you later."
"What did he say? What was funny?"
"I'm not telling you."
"And why not?" She snuggled closer to him.
"Oh, no. Your female wiles are not going to work on me this time."
"Yeah? Wanna bet?" She reached for his belt.
"Uh-huh Mrs. McLean. You are going to lose." She lifted his shirt and started kissing his stomach. "What are you willing to put up for it?"
"Me." She circled the 69 with his tongue. "Are you sure you won't tell me?"
"Positive."
She undid his belt and let his pants drop. He reached for her.
"Uh-uh. You haven't won yet." She wriggled out of his grasp.
"Forget the bet."
"We'll be late."
"Forget Jerry too. Come here."
"I'll go get dressed." She headed for the stairs.
"You can't leave me like this." He whined uncomfortably.
"You better get that down before we go to Jerry's."
"Why are you changing?" He followed her up the stairs to their bedroom clad only in boxers. "You look fine. It's only Jerry and some friends."
"I'm still in my office clothes." She stopped at the landing and looked at him where he stood at the bottom. "You poor baby. Come here."
He came up to her and pressed her against the wall. "I'm going to make you sorry." His hand moved up her skirt.
He kissed her as she gasped.
"Let's stay home." He suggested, as his fingers kept moving. "And we'll prove the doctors wrong."
Cris tensed up despite herself. She didn't want to think about that now.
"What?" AJ asked.
"Nothing." She shook it off. "I'm going to get dressed."
AJ followed her into the master bedroom. "What was that all about?"
He flopped onto the bed while she stepped into the walk-in closet.
"The whole doctor thing. That is not sexy. It was a turn off."
"Okay then but did you have to walk off like that?"
"I'm sorry." She came out dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. "Are we leaving now or not?"
"I don't know are we?"
"Yes, I think we should."
"Let's go then." He angrily gestured towards the door.
"Fine." She walked down the stairs and to the front door while he retreived his pants from the kitchen. She grabbed the keys off the hall table. "We're taking my car. I'm driving the Porche."
He walked towards her as he buckled his belt. "You aren't driving when you're upset like this."
"Then pray we don't crash because I am."
In the car, it was silence. When they arrived at Jerry's, they immediately walked in.
"Cris, girl you're here. Do you want a soda or something?" Rebecca, Jerry's current girlfriend came up to her.
"Yeah." Cris glanced at AJ before walking off. "What do you have?"
AJ eyed her retreating back into the kitchen.
"AJ buddy!" Jerry yelled across the room. "Come back here I want to show you this." He lowered his voice. "I'm thinking of proposing to Becca. I want you to tell me what you think of the ring. You have to be honest. Or maybe I should ask Cris. You know, to get a female opinion."
"Yeah, you could do that. But, Jerry why do you want to get married?"
"I don't know. Seeing you and Cris together has made me want what you have."
"I don't know why you'd want that." AJ muttered under his breath. "It's not
all that you think that it is."
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*5*
"When were you going to tell me about the abortion?" AJ asked later that night in bed. He didn't like it. It meant secrets and things that he didn't know. He wondered who the father was and if he knew he conceived a child.
"It's not important. It happened a long time ago. I'd forgotten about it until today."
"Did you think it'd have any implications of us today?"
"Honestly? No." She was quiet again. "Alex did you order the caterer for the party?"
"No I haven't had a chance." He said and turned over on his back. "When is it again?"
"Next Friday."
"I have time."
"Don't put it off and this time order the chicken. The fish smelled funny last time."
"Why don't you just stop having so many Goddamn parties?"
"Potential contacts and future business deals are made there."
"Put the papers away." He kissed the side of her neck. "All you think about is business."
"All you seem to think about is fucking me and getting me knocked up."
"Excuse me if I happen to like making love to my wife. I thought she felt the same way."
"Alex, I'm sorry. But I have to concentrate on these papers."
"Whatever." He rolled over and tried to sleep. He never thought that things would come to this between them.
"Alex?"
"Yeah?" Was there too much hope in his voice? Is there such a thing?
"Don't forget we're going to the Johnson's' party tomorrow. You'll need to come home around 7 so you can get showered and changed in time. I know how you get when you're in the studio. Try not to forget."
"Okay."
"Do you need me to call you? You know how you are."
"I said okay." He turned to face her. "What is this shin-dig for anyway?"
"I need more money to open the new firm. It's not the same as being under a huge corporation like I was before. Now I'm out on my own."
"So we're going to do some brown-nosing." He stated simply. "I don't know why you won't let me give you the money."
"Alex," She began.
"I know. Women's freedom movement and all that."
"Besides you buy me other things. My career is the one thing that I have. Let it be mine. I need it to keep me sane." She placed her papers aside and laid her head on his chest.
AJ's mind went back to something she said in the past. Despite himself he couldn't help frowning. Something wasn't right now and he couldn't let it escape him. "So you have changed your mind?"
"About what?" She played with his chest hair. AJ pulled her hand away. It was distracting. There was something she said. Not just the words but the way she said it. 'I need it. . .'
"You said you'll never need anything more than me."
"I still don't." She snatched her hand back.
"You do. Your career. You just said it Cris."
"Is that why you want to give me the money so badly?"
"No. This has nothing to do with money."
"What then?"
"Things have changed. Between us." There it was out in the open.
She was silent. AJ wasn't sure if she heard.
"Cris? Baby?" He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear her response. He didn't like the feeling of uncertainty in his stomach. She could refuse or take him now.
"Let's not talk about that." She kissed his chest. "In fact let's not talk at all." She straddled him and moved down to his stomach. AJ squirmed.
AJ wanted to talk more but his body was reacting too quickly. Her hands ran over his body. He drowned all other thoughts except where her hands were moving to next.
"Make love to me Alex."
She smiled and in that moment he almost hated that smile. Hated what she was doing to him. What she'd been doing to him for the past 4 years. Changing him into another person. Still, still he didn't want it to stop. He never wanted to stop loving her.
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*6*
Cris sat in her office thinking. Actually this wasn't an office and this wasn't an office building. Not like her old one. Business was slow. Not that her mind was on work anyway.
She picked up the phone and called home. It used to be that they didn't need an excuse to call each other. Now she wondered what she would say to him if he did happen to pick up. The machine clicked on.
"Alex it's me. If you're home pick up." She paused. "Okay. You must have gone to the studio already. Um, I'll talk to you later." Another pause. "I love you."
Cris hung up the phone and before she could think of anything else, she was grabbing her purse and running out of the door.
Her heart was beating wildly and her hands had trouble finding the right key for the ignition. She wasn't aware of what she was doing. Her mind made the turns down the street and stopped at the lights of their own accord. All she could think about was last night. 'Things have changed.' She couldn't deny that. She didn't how she felt now that it was out between them. A silent whisper said they could handle it. Could she handle it if she lost Alex? The answer was simple.
No.
She arrived home and jumped out. She rushed into the house and headed for their bedroom not pausing. "Alex?"
Suddenly she was tearing through the house dragging things after her.
For a moment she couldn't breathe. The tears filled her eyes and everything became a white haze. She stopped and it seemed time itself stopped out of respect. She gasped for breath but the fear was choking her. Teardrops fell and time regained.
She squeezed her hands into balls until her nails pierced her skin. Why wasn't he here to stop her from doing what she was about to do?
Never mind, she thought. She reached for another suitcase and continued packing. What was she doing? Running away again. Just like last time.
Blake wiped the last bit of shaving foam off his face and eyed the perfectly trimmed goatee in the mirror. He added a little mousse to his hair. A little more wouldn't hurt. He heard the doorbell ring. He glanced at his watch. Early but that could be a good thing. Briefly he wondered why the doorman didn't buzz him up. He walked through the master suite to the door grabbing his wallet and keys as he went. The bell rang again. "I'm coming!" He stopped and eyed himself in the mirror in the front hall. He had a lot of mirrors in the house. Call him conceited. He liked the way he looked. He adjusted his shirt before answering the door. He wanted to look casual but not too sloopy.
"Hello!-oh it's you."
"Blake I'm sorry, I drove all day and I didn't know anywhere to go. Oh, you had a date?"
"Yes. But since you're here, and with your bags packed, come on in."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. Sit down and talk to me. Why are you here keeping me from my date instead of at your own house?"
"Alex and I had a fight."
"Oh? This is a first."
"It's been coming to a point for a while now. We just sort of blew up last night. I had to cancel at the Johnson's on the way over here."
"This was a business dinner right?" Cris nodded. "Hm-hmm and was this what the fight was about?"
"No my career."
"Same difference. Cris, baby, you know I love you but girl, but you can let your job take first rank over more important things. Like your husband."
Blake looked at her as her face slowly changed.
"But I-"
"Look, I understand but by my way of thinking I'm not the one you need to be talking to."
Blake got up and went into the bathroom. There was something still not right about the goatee. There was a hair out of place he could feel it.
"Are you still going on your date?" Cris called out.
"I guess I might as well." There. He snipped it with the scissors then returned to her. "You okay here?"
"Yeah, I know where everything is. Go. Have fun." She threw a pillow at him. "Go!"
"You can have the bed. I don't expect to be back tonight."
"Who's the lucky man?"
"I'm not telling. But I'm the lucky one. You should see this guy. He is hung!"
"Alright now. Don't hurt anything."
"Not unless he asks for it."
"You bad boy."
"You got that right, girlfriend."
Blake closed the door behind him. He turned the corner to the elevator. Josh was getting out. He real name was Tanner Joshua but Blake called him Josh. What kind of name was Tanner?
"Are you ready to go?" Blake asked.
"Why? You got somebody in there?" Josh asked.
"Yes, but not who you think."
Josh arched an eyebrow. "It wouldn't happen to be another man would it?"
"It's a friend of mine. A lady friend. Remember I told you about my friend Cris."
"Oh."
"She had a fight with her husband. I told her she could spend the night. I figure I won't need my bed tonight. If that's okay?"
"Honey, that is more than okay with me."
:::
Cris fixed herself some of Blake's Chamomile tea from the kitchen. She'd spent the night with Blake many times when she got lonely while Alex was on tour. She walked around the apartment noticing some of the changes he'd made to the place. He'd made a lot. She realized she hadn't actually talked to Blake in awhile. She'd been too caught up in starting her own business. It hurt her to realize she was so selfish. She walked into Blake's room and searched his drawers until she found the pack of cigarettes he kept hidden. She took one out and held it between her fingers. She was never really a smoker but somehow just holding it comforted her.
Cris ran back into the living room when her cell phone rang. She checked the Caller ID before answering. AJ had already called 5 times. Cris answered the first time to tell him she was fine but she needed her own space. This time it was her sister. She answered it.
"Hey Jess. We need to get you back out here again and get some color in your skin. I know you're turning pale over there."
"Don't try to change the subject."
"What is the subject?" Cris was momentarily confused.
"I just got off the phone with your husband."
"Oh."
"Tell me what is wrong with this picture. I just called your house where your wonderful husband precedes to tell me that you are not there and that he doesn't expect you to spend the night there. What the hell are you thinking?"
"Will you at least hear me out?"
"I don't know what it is that you have to say. There are a thousand girls around the world who'd love to be in your place."
"But they're not. They only dream what it would be like, I'm living it."
"Alex is a wonderful man. Why can't you see that? He takes care of you, he hasn't raise a hand against you, and most of all he loves you. Why can't you just be happy with what you have?"
"You sound like our mother."
"Which I suppose is why you won't be attending Daddy's birthday party. He's turning eighty-five for Christ's sake, Cris. He's had two heart attacks and he's not expected to live much longer."
"I know all this."
"You don't act like it. Cris have you thought about it; maybe the man just wants to see both of his daughters before he dies."
"Jessica who are you talking to?" Cris heard her mother in the background.
"Jess, don't tell-"
"It's Cris. Her marriage is in trouble."
"Thank you Jessica." Cris mumbled.
"Give me the phone. Hello Cristian." Her mother was quickly on the phone.
Cris stayed silent.
"Listen I know you don't want to talk to me because maybe I didn't encourage you enough but in my day being different wasn't a good thing. It was frowned upon. I saw some of my friends go through humiliation because they wanted to change things." She continued talking. "Well your marriage is failing. I knew he wasn't right for you. That's not to say that Matthews boy would have done better. I just wanted you to be happy."
"I thought all you wanted was to save the image of the family."
"At least you're talking to me now. But I've learned in the past three years your not coming back so what good does it do for me to try to control you. You've finally gotten the freedom you want. I'd much rather hear your voice. Oh how I've missed you Cristian."
"Mother don't start."
"So what have you been up to these past three years? First tell me about your prized career."
"It's not going so well."
"Oh dear, your career and your marriage."
"Mother." Cris stopped her. "I have another call coming through."
"I'll let you go then. Am I to tell Jessica to expect you at your father's birthday party?"
"Yes." Cris clicked to her other line before her mother made a big deal out of it. "Hello?"
"Cris, hi. I called your cell because Alex's birthday is a couple of months away and I thought that it was time we started planning. He's not in the room is he? Can you talk?"
"No Denise he's not here. In fact, I'm not home right now."
"Oh. Where are you?"
"I'm spending the night at a friend's house."
"And Alex?"
"Home, I guess."
"I see. Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I need to call Alex myself?"
"Denise, I need help." Cris broke down. There was nothing that she could keep from Denise. Her mother-in-law had become her own mother and best confidant.
"Okay, try to tell me this in the simplest form possible."
"He wants children and I don't right now."
"Is that it? The whole matter boils down to children?"
Cris thought for a moment. "Not it's trust. On both sides." She added.
"Why is it that you feel you don't trust him?"
"I feel like he won't love me if I can't give him what he wants."
"This case being children. And why do you think that he doesn't trust you?"
"He can't trust the fact that we feel the same way about this marriage."
"Do you?"
"Yes. No." Cris sighed while she got her thoughts together. "We both love each other and we both believe that's all we need but other factors come in and confuse things."
"Listen, Cris it's obvious I'm not an expert on marriage but I think that the best thing is for you to do is to talk to him."
Cris knew this already.
"I love you like a daughter and I want you in my son's life. I also think he needs you in his life just as much as you need him."
"Thank you Denise."
"You are welcome. Call him now just to talk. Everything will work out if you keep the communication lines open."
Instead when she got off the phone she got into Blake's bed and pulled the sheet over her head with the cigarette. Sometime the next morning Cris woke to an alarm going off.
"Alex..."
It continued to ring loudly.
"Alex?" She sat up filled with infinite sadness and a huge loneness. She'd never woken up without him or the sound of his voice on the other end of a wake-up call. Those calls he sneaked out of his earliest meetings for just because she needed him to be her first human contact in the morning.
Not having him beside her had shaken her to the core.
It was time to go home.
Back to listing
__________
Cris stepped into the house. Alex was on the couch asleep. The TV screen was blue from the DVD. She pressed play wondering what it was he was watching. Their wedding disk came on. It was paused in the middle where they said their vowels. With hands held and staring into each other's eyes. Cris picked up the remote and pressed play.
'You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me'
'You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it
This is real when you love me'
AJ awoke and sat up. Cris stopped it from playing any further.
"So you're home." It wasn't an accusation just a statement. "To stay?"
"Yes, to stay."
"For how long?"
"That depends."
"Are you ready to talk to me now, instead of running away?"
"I guess we need to do it sometime." She sat down beside him.
"You have to make sacrifices, Cris. That's what love is all about."
"I know but I don't want it me the one to make the sacrifice. I've worked so hard to get where I am."
"I know. Believe me, I know baby girl. Don't you think I've worked hard to get where I am?"
"Am I asking you to give it up? All the fame and the fans?"
"I'm not asking you to do that. I would never ask you. I know how much that means to you."
"So what are you doing?"
"I'm asking for a future with you."
"That's what I want with you." She moved closer to him. "Can you take me without kids? Will you love me if I refuse to give you an offspring?"
"Would you do that? For your precious career?" It was almost a snarl.
"This is not about my career! This is about you willing to love on your own terms."
"I thought there was nothing wrong wanting to have kids with you. We talked about this before we got married."
"And I said I needed time. You agreed."
"It's been three years."
"We still have time left."
He turned to look at her. Really look at her. It seemed he hadn't done that in ages. "Do you really mean that or are you trying to get me to shut up for another three years?"
"Yes! -No! You're not paying attention to what I'm saying. There are still things I want to do."
"But when? I'm tired of waiting."
"I don't know when. I can't answer that right now. I just need time." She sighed. "Why does it feel like I'm talking in circles?"
"I don't know but I seem to be getting that feeling too."
"I'm scared. Of having children." She shook her head before he could speak. "Let me finish. I'm scared of dying in childbirth. Of becoming fat and having you leave me. Of raising this child and have it grow to hate me. Of being stuck at 40 with two kids and no life other than homework, PTA nights, and peanut and jelly sandwiches. I don't want that life. I promised myself that would never be me."
"Let me tell you what I want. I want you."
"Do you really?"
"Yes, baby with all my heart. I don't see how you could ever doubt that."
"Good, then understand who I am. This is Cris, standing here before you. I am a kick ass executive, I am a shop-a-holic, and a Backstreet fanatic . But I am also not a motherly figure, nor do I like anything cute and cuddly including children that I have to be around more than an hour. I don't have the patience for it. Women like me don't have children. On the other hand there is a whole other side to me. I am Cristian Dane McLean the woman who promised to be your wife and stand by you for the rest of your days. That's all I'm asking you to do."
"When we first met in that bar what was the first thing that went through your head?"
"I don't know. That was over four years ago. I can't remember."
"Think. I'll tell you what I thought. I saw you and I wanted you so much. I wanted you in my heart and soul. It was more than I could have ever imagined wanting in a second."
Cris shook her head. "I don't know."
"Don't know what, baby?"
"What to do. That's nice and all but words are still just words."
"I don't know what else to do. Tell me, Cris, tell me what I have to do. I'm willing to do almost anything."
"There you go again. Just words. You're a dreamer and a poet, Alex. How do I know that when the time comes you'll pull through." She stood up.
"What do you want? A fucking test? To prove my love?" He was getting upset again.
"This was the test! I told you I didn't want children. Just give me a little more time to work on my career and you completely threw it back in my face."
"You told me you couldn't have children. There is a difference."
"Are you questioning me now?"
"What exactly did the doctor say?"
"Un-fucking-believable. I am not going to stand here and listen to this bullshit. I'm going to take a shower."
"I am trying to talk to you. Why do you always walk away from me?"
"Do you think you're the only one?"
"I'm the only one that should matter."
"Do you have any idea how many times I've turned people down? You are the only person I have ever been faithful to. God, I never thought that I'd make it. My career is fading. I can get jobs anymore, clients are leaving."
"What? I didn't know this."
"Why do you think I've been pushing all the parties and meetings? It's been hard."
"I thought you were just ambitious."
"I'm not that selfish Alex." She checked her watch. "I don't have time for a shower now. I have a business brunch to go to. We'll talk some more when I get back. I really don't want to leave things like this between us."
"Go to your brunch. I'll be here when you get back."
"Thank you. I love you, Alex."
AJ saw her sitting in the car in the driveway. He hated to say it but he'd been checking his watch every five minutes since she'd left. He went to her. That was always the way it went. He went to her. Even in the begining he approached her first.
She started speaking when he went out and opened her car door.
"I went to the brunch knowing exactly what was going to happen. We went to his place and the whole time I thought about you. I couldn't get you out of my mind. We'd started . . . but I stopped. I got up to leave; I even made it to the door. He tried to convince me to stay. I owed him money, a lot of money. Not only that, he had influence. I was indebted to him. One easy little fuck and it all would be erased. It would take less than ten minutes to solidify my career. At that moment all you ever said to me became clear in my mind. And I thought 'He's my husband. He loves me. This is so wrong."'
She started crying. AJ undid her belt and knelt beside her. "It's okay. Everything's okay now."
"No, it's not. Because I slept with him. I had sex with him Alex. Everything is not okay now."
AJ stood and pulled back. He looked at her as those green eyes watery with tears looked up at him. The eyes that made everything worthwhile had just brought down his entire world. Slowly he backed away and retreated back into the house. He was so hurt he couldn't see straight. He walked blindly around. Everything was her, her smell her presence. He reached out and made contact with whatever he could. He didn't want her anymore. He didn't want the pain anymore. The pain of loving her. He couldn't handle it. It was too much. Exhausted he collapsed onto the heap of her things. Minutes later he heard her come into the house and into their bedroom.
Stumbling he followed.
She was in the bathroom. He walked in and jerked the shower door handle open. "No!" He punched the wall beside her head. The Spanish tiles they'd spent so much time picking out together cracked and some fell. "I love you so much. I gave you everything. But what you did was wrong and the sad part about it all is that even now, I can't imagine living my life without you. I will not let you go."
She jumped at first but she took it all quietly.
If he cold see past his anger he would have seen the tears in her eyes and running down her cheeks weren't just from the shower.
He fell to the floor. "But I don't have a choice do I?"
She stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel. "We all have choices. It's up to us to make them." She quoted. It was something he'd once said to her. Once long ago while sitting on a couch in Southern Florida four years ago. It pained him that she remembered.
Back to listing
__________
'Cris, here's today's paper'
'Okay. Thanks.'
After scanning the front page she opened it up. Nothing interesting. She started to close it before a name caught her eye.
In a press conference earlier, Backstreet Boy AJ McLean announced his divorce to wife, Cristian Dane McLean. The couple met in Orlando where the singer is originally from. The marriage lasted three years. According to McLean the relationship was 'conceived from thoughts and notions of love.' When asked if there was a chance of reconcilement, he replied, 'Ending it is what's best for everybody.' Mrs. McLean was not on hand to give a response.
It was official now. Cris laid the paper down as she wondered if it was truly best for everyone. Did he really feel that way? More importantly, did she? She didn't know anymore. Four years ago she would have been more than happy as his wife. Four
months ago she wasn't so sure. Now she didn't know what she wanted at all. It didn't matter, she screwed
it up herself. The past 4 months without him were killing her. She missed him so badly it was all she could do just to come to work.
"Cris, someone here wants to see you." Maria beeped into her thoughts.
Back to work. She looked at the clock. It was time for her nine 'o clock. "Tell them to come in."
"It's just him."
"Him?"
Before Maria could respond, the door opened and AJ walked in.
"Hello Cris."
She stared at him for a moment. They hadn't seen each other since she moved out the day after he punched the tile. All of the legal work had been done and over with as quickly as possible through their lawyers. That was the way they'd both wanted it.
She regained herself. "Hey. What are you doing here?"
"Just came by to see you. Is that okay?"
"Of course, anytime."
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Was there something you wanted to say?"
"Yeah, actually there was. Um, Cris. . . Hear me out first before you say anything. You were it for me, all that I ever needed and no matter how you felt about me for any reason, I loved you."
"Alex,"
"And I like to think that you loved me too. I don't know whether I'll remarry again but I'll die easier hoping, thinking that you were in love with me too at some point. I didn't want things to end like they did. But that's the way that they've fallen out. That's all that I wanted to say. And, um, I hope that you find love someday and that he treats you like you should be."
Cris stared at him. What could she say after such a wonderful speech?
"You too."
It was weak she knew, but anything more would have denied him whatever it was he came seeking.
"Mrs. McLean," Maria beeped in. "Your nine 'o clock is here."
AJ and Cris stared at the speakerphone. A jolt hit them both. She would remain Mrs. McLean but not in the sense they both wanted.
"I'll go now." AJ stood. "I just wanted to say that."
Cris watched him walk to the door. "They say that love is pain." She called out. "But true love is supposed to hurt so bad it feels good not the other way around. I am so sorry I couldn't be that for you."
"You were, Cris." He shifted his feet. "You know for awhile I thought you were a dream." He chuckled quietly at himself. "I'll always have that, the dream of you and me. Goodbye Cris."
"Good bye Alex."
Behind him two middle-aged men walked in.
"Gentlemen have a seat."
"Thank you, Mrs. McLean. We've heard of your accomplishments at your earlier company. We want to know what you have to offer us."
AJ nodded to her and left.
"Of course but first could you excuse me for a moment?"
Without waiting for an answer Cris ran out of the door, pass the receptionist and onto the sidewalk. She looked both ways wondering which way Alex had gone. Her heart was swelling and beating rapidly. She caught sight of him walking away to her left.
"Alex?"
He turned and waited for her to run up to him.
"Did I forget something?"
"No, I mean not that I know of. I just came to say that ... well would you like to go out for lunch or just coffee sometimes? Maybe even today?"
He shook his head. "How am I supposed to get over you like this?"
"I understand. We both have to move on." She nodded and turned back around.
"Maybe I don't want to move on." AJ yelled through the crowd. Cris half turned. "Maybe I want to stay in the dream forever. Would that be wrong?" He quickly covered the distance between them.
On impulse Cris kissed him. He responded with such fervor that she almost got caught up in it. She pulled back as if realizing a mistake. AJ held fast to her arms.
"Do you love me?" He asked. "If you do, then God help me, don't leave me again." He leaned close so that their foreheads touched. "Don't leave me again, Cris. Please don't."
"I thought we had to be strong for this." She pulled back again. "Dammit Alex, don't do this!"
"Just tell me Cris. Tell me you don't and you'll never see me again for coffee or lunch or anything." He yelled desperately.
"I can't. You know I do. I can't stand to not have you in my life. I need you." He shook her as she tried to free herself.
"Say it. Just once. Let me hear you say it." He was pleading.
"I love you." She whispered. It was all she'd ever felt so strongly in her life.
"Don't leave me. Please don't ever."
"How can I? I can't spend four damn months without you. God, I love you so much."
"Come home. Let me make love to you."
As wonderful as that sounded, a thought struck Cris. "I have clients waiting. I have to go back."
"No. For one day don't say no to me." He pulled out his cell phone. "Maria, please tell Mrs. McLean's clients that they will have to reschedule. A sudden family emergency came up. No, she's alright. She'll be back in tomorrow morning."
Cris leaned up against AJ. His arms came around her instinctively. "Not tomorrow. We have four months to make up for. Tell her push everything back. And for her not to call me. I'll handle everything when I get back."
"I have an idea. Let's not go home. We can check into a hotel. We won't tell a single soul where we are and we won't be disturbed. We can concentrate on us. Just you and me. You and me forever, baby."
______________