Joy's Truth **PLEASE READ NICK'S TALE FIRST**
1
2 3
__________
*1*
“Stephanie.” Her husband rolled and smothered her in an attempt at an intimate embrace. Clutching her hotly he continued to snore. She would not cry. She wouldn’t.
Joy. Her name was Joy. Her mother called her that. “My little Joy.” She’d often say. No one else had called her that since. Except Nick, oh Nick Carter.
She brought many people joy and pain. They could all attest to that. The one that brought her the most pleasure was Nick Carter. But he was gone now. Why? Simply speaking she was a bitch. She was. Ask any of her friends. They were all bitches. One big smoldering pot of rich bitches with too much time on their hands.
And why was she the biggest? She lived to destroy lives. So many people rich and famous took everything for granted. That is until they met her. She broke them down slowly until they had nothing left. Just like she had nothing. That is before she met her husband, her savior. Alone in the big city, she was the small-time girl rescued by the cultured older gentlemen. She owed everything to Robert. Sweet, caring Robert. After a snort he started snoring loudly. Robert.
She wanted to cry. But would not.
She glanced at the clock. Time to get up. She shut off the alarm a second before it went off so as not to wake him. She stood and slid the silk robe over her naked body. She headed in the kitchen to start breakfast. She’d wake him in a little while. For now she just wanted her solace. For a little while. Just a little while.
After everything she wanted to just stop and think. To think of the truth. She was a bitch, yes but she was also human with feelings and she wanted to share her side of the story, the truth.
Back to listing
__________
I’d seen Nick Carter around for about the last couple of years. I’d heard about him from everyone. He’d always crossed my mind. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t think him worthy before now; he was prime meat. I was just busy destroying other lives at the moment.
In truth I’d almost forgotten him. Everyone had. Backstreet was floating off the charts. Then came the news that he was coming out with a solo CD. I knew it wouldn’t do so well. But it was the fact that he did. His own self-confidence was what did him in. He was like the others: arrogant. And when I leave them crying, and begging on the ground I tell them that it’s their faults. It is. If they had something more in their small lives other than their incredibly large egos I wouldn’t be able to break them like I do.
But Nick was a special case. Normally I don’t do pop stars. For starters not many of them reside in Florida. They mostly hung out in LA or New York, places like that. Miami and West Palm from time to time. The whole boy band scene changed that. Orlando began festering with hot shot ‘musicians.’
Once that happened I seriously considered a change of address. There is only so much I can handle. Orlando wasn’t even my home. It was only where I lived most of the time. My official residence was with my husband in Tallahassee. Robert spent of his time there. He’s also gotten big headed lately. Apparently attorney general of the state wasn’t enough for him. He decided to run for governor. So off he goes leaving me here in this house while he stayed in the capital and dealt with political matters or toured the state. Politics wasn’t my thing. Too much like Hollywood if you ask me. If I stayed a ‘good girl,’ as he called it, he left me to my own devices. Translation: if his name stayed out of the papers and he got elected next term we could both continue to fuck who ever we wanted and pretend we didn’t care. This was fine by me. Things between us had been going on for so long this way, we’d both learned to deal with the secrets.
So when I discovered that for whatever reason Nick Carter was going to be in my town and my husband wasn’t, I stepped right up to the challenge. This pop star was going to be an easy shot. Eight ball corner pocket. My win, game over.
Back to listing
__________
“Nick Carter?”
“Yeah, Joy?”
He always said my name with a smile. It was our inside joke. Sometime he’d call me baby instead or hon. Either way I felt as though I was joy, nothing but pure pleasure and peace. Always around him. I loved being around him, more than anything. I hated to go home to that huge lonely mausoleum. Besides they never came to my house. That was part of the rules. I knew everything about them and they knew nothing about my life. And why wouldn’t I want to spend my time around Nick Carter? He was so beautiful, really. And this wasn’t coming from an overzealous fan. But he was also a little innocent and child-like. It didn’t annoy me or put me off like it had with others. It just made him seem more endearing. For other people he’d play the tough guy or hard older brother. But I saw the real, sweet Nicky. That was the way it went. I stripped them of the image, money, and status to make them see inside themselves.
The way other people saw him was important.
He was always concerned with what people thought about him. People were telling him that he was fat and overweight and I hated that. Guess it was being in the spotlight all the time that did it to him. If it wasn’t the record label or management it was his family or the other guys.
He wanted so much for this album to be a success so that ‘his boys’ would be proud of him. I think they should have been proud of him already. They were just jealous that he could do something right without them. And when the album flopped although it was obvious he was hurt he said it didn’t matter because now they weren’t as mad at him as they could have been. Well, I was mad. I was so mad that he tried so hard to please them. All I could do was try my best to love him even more. And I tried. Oh, I tried so hard.
Back to listing
__________
Robert saw Nick the same moment I did. Only he saw the look in my eyes as well. He grabbed my arm so hard I had no choice but to look at him. And now there was a bruise. Luckily for me he decided to let it drop until we got home.
“I saw that look you and that guy were exchanging earlier tonight. You’d better hope no else did. You better not screw things up for me now. Don’t bring your little playmates to my functions. Understood?”
“Or what Robert?” I knew smart mouthing was something Robert didn’t tolerate but I didn’t care. I was tired and most of all I’d lost Nick tonight.
“I remember who you were when I found you. A little nothing. I can send you back to that. You are nothing without me.” He pinched my thigh hard. A little too hard but it got the message across. Another bruise to try to cover up.
“I know, Robert. I owe you everything.” The thought saddened me but it was true. If not for Robert bringing me into this lifestyle I would have never met Nick.
“Well,” He was surprised by my admission, “you’d do well to remember that.”
Tomorrow the bruises would start to show. The one on my thigh would be a nice match to the one on my arm. He started to cover them in kisses. Tomorrow he wouldn’t be so nice and apologetic. I treasured it while I could. Softly he kissed me and I languished in his gentleness. Tonight he wanted to make love to me and I obliged. I needed to give in to the physical. I didn’t want to think or feel anymore. Just be, and Robert provided that.
Back to listing
__________
I refused to say that I’m sorry for what I’ve done although I am. I’m sorry that I lost Nick. My Nick. I left my mark on him, an imprint on his heart just as one remains on mine.
I guess I deserve it right? This time I was the one left broken with all of my flaws revealed. I used to be a nice person. I used to believe love was a sham. A wonderfully golden spun web that I created for others to fall into.
But I fell for that trap. I landed and instead of my body breaking I lost my heart, which hurts so much more. Know what the problem was? With Nick, I thought that I could fall. Sometimes I’d lie on his chest or look into his eyes and I knew for sure I heard him telling me that he would catch me. If only I’d fall, he’d be the one standing there to catch me.
But I didn’t say tell him that I loved him. I was taught never to do that. To actually fall in love is one thing. That’s bad enough but to say it was impossible.
I cannot count how many times I wanted to tell Nick.
Or begin to tell you how many moments caught in time where I’d created the perfect opportunity. It could have ended like a cheap supermarket romance novel. But I don’t operate that way. They have to say it first. But Nick didn’t. And I was glad. If he said it that meant the game was over. That meant I won. So he didn’t say it, and I didn’t walk away. I followed all the rules. Every single one. Yet still here I am wallowing in guilt and alcohol instead of the heady scent of him after sex. I should have walked away.
Before I pass out I wanted to write this down. I want to say it out loud. I love you, Nick Carter. There I said it.
And no one heard.
Back to listing
__________
This morning I woke miserable. I’d run out of alcohol and I was too hung over to go get more. Most of all, worst of all Robert had called me to Tallassee. Not an enjoyable trip. I hated pretending to be the perfect wife when all I wanted to do was run into another man’s arms. Except that now the one I wanted didn’t want me either. Nothing to do then but to stay here.
The thing I hate about Tallahassee and politics most of all is the amount of faking that goes on. It’s like a bad porno with fake smiles, fake ass kissing, and fake orgasms.
During the day there are cameras and other dignitaries around and at night there is Robert to contend with. If he wanted the sex there was his regular stash of women he could have called. He keeps them in nice houses and buys them gifts. I’ve seen the receipts and credit card statements. He’s never tried to hide it. Neither have I.
Honestly I don’t know how much I can take. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to cry either. But that’s not my fault. I’m always emotional this time of the month. I guess that’s something to be thankful. I’m not pregnant. I couldn’t stand it if it were to be Nick’s, or Robert’s either for that matter. How perfect would that be? We’d be such the cute political family.
My bags are packed. They’re sitting there at the door. The Louis Vuitton set Robert gave me for my birthday. He’s downstairs talking business at the bar. He’s convinced that if he can get the Senator drunk he’ll gain some influence. And to get the Senator drunk he must drink as well. Robert can handle his alcohol pretty well. It’s amazing. But he is such a big man.
In a few hours he’ll come in here after drinking too many eight balls and he’ll wanted sex. He’ll want it rough and hard like he always does after drinking. He might even call up one of his girls and want it kinky while he watches. No, he’s been down there drinking too long; he’ll want to participate. That’ll mean more bruises in addition to kinky.
Dammit, I’m crying again. I’m too tired for this. I just want to sleep, forever and ever. That’s the drugs talking. Too bad they aren’t helping me to calm down. Now I’m stuck emotional and tired.
Maybe I could get a nap before he comes in. Maybe I could check into another hotel. Just for the night and come back tomorrow. Still more bruises. Maybe I could leave Robert.
The thought crossed my mind briefly. Everything stopped. I became delirious with the idea. I could leave him, leave Robert right now. I could be on a plane tonight.
I stared at the phone wondering about the possibilities and it stared back.
Back to listing
__________
Nick would be in Fort Lauderdale for the Offshore Grand Prix. He’d also be in the Hilton in the one hotel room he stays in every time. He told me all this. We did talk some.
I don’t know what possessed me to go there. I was lonely and desperate.
The plan was to seduce him until he came back to me or at the very least tell him how I felt. I brushed my hair and teeth at least a thousand times each and changed into some sexy underwear, just in case. I slowly took the stairs instead of the elevator down to his floor. That was my mistake. If I hadn’t taken the elevator I would have missed him completely. Heading towards his room I passed him and his group of friends. I knew all of them. They didn’t see me pass. It was obvious they’d all been drinking and probably drugs too. A blonde was hanging on Nick arm, so he had himself set for the night. It looked as though they were all enjoying themselves. Two girls ran passed me as I kept walking with my head down around the corner to the flight of stairs at the other end of the hall and finally to the solace of my room.
Lonely and even more depressed than I ever thought possible I ordered chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bottle of Chablis.
The bed was too big for a small person like me. It was made for two people. In my drunken state it was the most hilarious thing in the world. I laughed my ass off then lay down on that bed and tried to cry myself to death. I reached out for him to pull me into his arms. He didn’t. Of course not, Nick was not there. He was with the blonde. Well I wanted someone too. Someone who would make such sweet love to me then hold me while we languished in the good after sex vibes. Sometime early that morning I sobered up unfortunately but I still couldn’t think straight. Just enough to dial his room number.
“Nick Carter? I love you.”
There I did it. I told him. Late the next afternoon I checked out and went back home to Orlando. So here I am back in Robert’s house. Where else was there for me to go?
Back to listing
__________
Things were fine here in Orlando until Robert showed up.
I was having a late lunch with my friends. They were being their usual happy and bitchy selves gossiping and scheming. For some reason I didn’t get it anymore. None of this interested me in the least. I poked at the salad I’d gotten while they chatted. A seafood salad I remember because I’d just stabbed a shrimp when my cell rang.
“Where the hell are you?”
“Robert,” I tried to stay calm. “I’m having lunch with some friends.”
“In Tallahassee?”
“No, I’m in Orlando.”
“I knew it. Where are you?”
“What?” They were chatting again and it was hard to hear.
“What restaurant are you at?”
“The Italian bistro downtown. The one with the cute outdoor patio. The um, uh,” My mind suddenly went blank.
“Nino’s.” Rebecca supplied. She tries to be so helpful. Too bad she isn’t.
I heard him repeated the name and hang up. It was back to terrorizing the crustacean.
I don’t know why but I was actually shocked when he showed up half an hour later. I should have known to expect it. I didn’t see him until he yanked me up out of my chair.
“Let’s go.”
I only had a chance to glance back at my friends. They were gossiping hard now. When I leave they would pull out their phones and let it spread like wild fire. So much for 'friends'.
He threw me into the back of the car. The driver held the door out with his stony face. He was no help either.
“Now you’ve caused me to create a scene in public. How is that going to look for the governor’s to have to drag his wife out of a restaurant?”
“I was only having lunch, Robert. I’m sorry about leaving but see Dianne called me she…” He ignored me as the lie disappeared off my tongue.
“It’s even worse for me to bring a highly influential political member back to my hotel room to introduce him to my beautiful young wife and find her gone. You embarrassed me.”
I shivered. He wanted me to fuck the Senator. Or possibly both of them at the same time. That was the real reason behind his anger.
“I’ve had to make excuses for you all day. I thought you would come back until I realized where it was you’d gone. We’re closing that house down. I don’t want the possibility of you running back here again. That’s what you were doing wasn’t it? Running away?”
“Did you fuck him?” I quietly asked. I was scared of the answer. At first I wasn’t sure if he heard me over the roar of his own voice.
“Who?”
“The Senator. If I wasn’t there, did you do it?”
His eyes turned dark. Seeing him that way I could easily picture it, the two of them. “I hired a girl. See, Stephanie, you are very easy to replace. But I don’t want them I want you. For some reason I put up with your shit because I want you. I want you to in my bed at night ready to fuck whenever I please. I want you standing beside me as I give my first inaugural speech. Do you hear me?” I couldn’t answer fast enough to please him. His fat hand landed across my cheek. It was hard to hold back the burning tears in but I did. That was just what he wanted. To see me cry and beg. It turned him on. I would know. I’d done it in the past. “You are never leaving me. When I want you to do whatever, or whomever I wish you will be there waiting to make me happy. Understood?”
This time it was a fist. And he didn’t stop with the first blow.
Back to listing
__________
I don’t associate with those ‘friends’ anymore. There were really hypocrites. Telling me what was wrong with so many people when it was obvious they had all the issues themselves. It was people like their husbands that I screwed. Of course they didn’t know it was me, but they supplied me with every detail I needed to know beforehand and my victory afterwards.
I live in Tallahassee now with Robert with new friends and fresh conquests. Apparently an attorney general’s wife is allowed to slip into the background but the governor’s isn’t. He’s already talking about re-election, then the presidency. He’s changed some. He’s actually bothered to keep his affairs more secret. I don’t know if it has more to do with his planned campaign or me. I think it’s the campaign. At any rate, I’ve gotten better with hiding my secrets too.
Privately, my life with Robert is flowing exactly as I’d dreamt my life should be. He’s cared for me in all things that I’ve needed. Publicly, I love Robert for that. But, secretly, inside I hated him for it. He provided me with everything but love and that was what I needed most. I need Nick, but hell that wasn’t happening either, was it?
Somehow I’ve learned it is possible to have it all. I did. For a while. For such a short period of time.
Okay, kids, what have we learned from this lesson? That love is in fact a fairy tale but there are no blonde hair, blue eyed princes to rescue you from the mean evil king who wants to steal you away. To make it complete we’re not all the princesses we’d like to believe we are. And the king has more power and control over me than anyone. That’s what makes this imprisoned life so bad. There is nothing the prince could have done. And all the princess can do is try not to cry but to cuss at the king and the prince too, come to think of it. The princess has decided that all men are jerks and that love is really not worth it. She thinks that now she’ll find herself a hot little princess to sleep around with. It helps to forget about the problems.
What do you think? I think it’s a great plan. It’s worked a couple of times before.
Am I bitter about love? Yes, damn right I am. But I was bitter before this. It’s part of the reason that I did what I did. Nick changed my mind about it. I know that there is love out there. I don’t fuck with the minds of the rich and famous anymore. I just live my life. For me and no one else. For the joy.
_________________________________