The Mourning After
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He stepped out of the sunshine into the dim recesses of the church. Above his head the Mother Mary looked down on him, her holy smile forever framed in the stain glass portrait.
He surveyed the people who had arrived. The family and friends who'd donned their black cloaks for the unhappy occasion. Mostly people he didn't know. Hell he didn't know any one of them. He was just one of the lonely people who felt compelled to attend.
{You mother came up to me
She wanted answers only she should know
Only she should know}
On the front pew he caught sight of a woman sobbing quietly, trying to retain her dignity. His heart immediately went out to her. As if she felt her pain, the woman looked up and meet his eye. Then almost as quickly she turned away as another sob racked her body.
{It wasn't easy to deal
With the tears that rolled down her face
I had no answers 'cause
I didn't even know you}
Suddenly the feeling of the chapel became oppressive. Why had he even come? He didn't know, didn't know anything about her. Except how she felt. He knew the feeling that there was nothing more for you on earth. He knew how it felt to sit cuddled in a corner for hours wondering and questioning your own existence.
{But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste}
He knew as soon as he eyed the headline: Suicide Depression.
He stepped back outside into the cool mountain air. He searched the sky for answers as he walked along the marked out path. Why had he flown here, thousands of miles away from the sun and warmth of a Californian winter to be here? Jesus, he didn't know. Yet again here he was. He felt like he needed to connect somehow, to find closure to everything. Then he could move on. Might even ask Samantha to marry him. He'd been thinking about it. His mom loved her, so did Grandpa, and he knew Grandma would have. And hell, he did too.
But as he explained to her before he left, there were some things he just had to work out on his own before he could move on.
He took another deep breath as the memories flooded over him.
The feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and anger at oneself.
Depression is an illness as any other, just like alcoholism, both effecting the brain. It keeps you from seeing reality for what it really is. It stops the light from shining through and leaves you in total darkness, as if in a deep tunnel. It can freeze you in place, unable to turn your head and see other options.
Words of comfort from others will not reach your soul, they are merely words. The despair is so deep, so consuming, that we cannot see that there is help available. The tunnel is so narrow, that we cannot turn around and see the help that is right there, and we cannot see the hand that reaches out to us, trying to pull us back into the light.
{How could you paint this picture?
With life as bad as it should seem
That there were no more options for you
I can't explain how I feel
I've been there many times before
I've tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down before me}
When we are depressed we feel worthless and the pain is physical. It takes our breath away, punches us in the stomach, and leaves us unable to move. A paralyzing fear takes control, not a fear of death, but of life. Death is welcoming us with open arms; it offers us peace of mind.
But somehow AJ shook it. He stood up release the chains that bind him. He had too many reasons to live to die. He couldn't give up. As much as he wanted to, as much as he wanted to join Grandma he knew he couldn't do that to his mother. There really was no need to lose another person that she loved so much.
Maybe he could face it and find forgiveness in what he'd done. She died, that young girl lying in that casket now, so he could live. He wanted forgiveness for what he'd done, he wanted to thank her, and he wanted to praise God that he wasn't her.
He turned back prepared to go again into the chapel. But the service was over. The small service for such a small life cut short. He bowed his head in reverence prayer for her soul. A tiny teardrop fell for the pain that she would have to suffer no longer.
He followed the funeral precession slowly in his car, his lights on with the others. At the grave site he hung back not wanting to be too intruding. Finally the priest finished, closed his bible and the casket was lowered down. The crowd cleared some not wanting to witness the act. He moved closer to somehow move closer to reach her soul.
"I know how you felt, when you believe that there's no hope left. When you stand at this huge abyss and you feel like it's swallowing you completely. The pain and agony that leads you to take your life is something I know very well.
"Death holds us hypnotized in its gaze. It seems like it's just so easy to take this one last step towards peace. Never again feeling the pain of rejection, of being unable to express our thoughts and feelings. Never again will we be misunderstood. We think never again will we feel unloved, because death loves us.
"We don't think about the pain our death will cause others, often we even try to convince ourselves that we're doing the world an incredible favor by leaving them behind. Little do we know the despair that we are causing?
"There was hope for you. You couldn't see it but there was. Pass all the pain there is a light. Just before death love welcomes us."
He closed his eyes against the tears.
{But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste}
"I'm sorry you couldn't see. Where was your light? Could you not find it in time?" He whispered. "I'm sorry the world didn't show her love for you."
Beside him the woman from the chapel cried softly listening to his words. She turned to him. "Is that what she needed? Love?"
He gave no answer. There was no need to respond.
"Couldn't she have come to me? I had no idea. I just want to know why. Tell me why. What was so bad that she had to die? What were her demons that no one else could see?"
The diggers began filing in the empty grave. Together, both grieving in their own way, they watched. The dirt was packed on top, the flowers arranged around the area. It was over.
Behind them they turned to the sound of footsteps approaching.
{Did Daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much?
Did he control you?
Did he live through you at your cost?
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?}
The woman attacked the man. "Now you show. She needed you. My baby. She was only 22. She never married, she never had children. She never will. Because of you! You bastard! It's your fault. You were her goddamn father. My baby's dead. I will never hear her say; "I love you, Mama" again. Never again will I hold her in my arms and hug her...never again...never...ever..." She fought in the man's arms until the dam of tears broke her reserve.
He turned away from the private scene.
"Did you know her?" She turned her tear-streaked face towards him.
He shook his head sadly. "I was her, for a time."
{WELL FUCK THAT!
AND FUCK THEM!
AND FUCK HIM!
AND FUCK YOU!
For not having
The strength in your heart
To pull through!
I've had doubts!
I have failed!
I've fucked up!
I've had plans!
Doesn't mean
I should take
My Life
With my own hands}
Back at the airport he sighed as the plane landed. On the way to the airport he'd cried. Now he was empty of all those emotions that held him back before. He was past that and could move on. He hoped the same for her mother, that in time she could learn forgiveness.
{But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste}
He stepped out of the gate to find Sam there waiting for him.
"Welcome home, baby."
She studied his clear brown eyes. There was no need to ask if the trip had served it mission.
"Let's go home."
{But these words
They don't replace
The life you...
THE LIFE YOU WASTE}
{'Waste' by Staind}
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