Can't Let You Go

Can't Let You Go..

__________

*1*

It was raining outside…I looked at the other guys. Kevin sighed, “I guess we’re gonna have to cancel the other appointments. I’ll call management,” he said. I slumped down on an orange vinyl chair placed in the corridor of the hospital. We had just visited the Children’s Cancer Unit of the Tampa General. My heart was tight in my chest. I wanted to cry…for all those little girls and boys; some who know their life is nearing an end and some who don’t. My heart broke into a million pieces when I saw their happy, smiling faces at our presence. Some of them even called me “Uncle Nick”.

It was heart wrenching and I wanted to get home fast but the storm outside was keeping us from leaving. It was the worst I had seen in a long time. The trees were as if they were bowing down to some passing god. The wind blowing so hard, it almost sounded like a hurricane. My thoughts drifted off to the children in the wards. How were they putting up with it? Did they think it was the end of them? The end of the world? Were they sacred? I lifted my head from my hands and looked at Brian, “You wanna go see how the kids are dealing with this?” I asked him. He smiled, “Nick, that’s a great idea. Let’s go,” He said pulling me up from the chair. We looked up as Kevin shoved his phone into his pocket. “We’ll leave as soon as this ceases,” he said, meaning the storm. “You mind if we take a walk? See how the kids are doing?” Brian asked his cousin. “Sure, go ahead…but once this stops, I’m heading out. You two can take a cab back home,” Kevin said. Brian and I were both quiet. Kevin got this way when he went to hospitals. He wasn’t as strong as everyone thought he was.

Brian and I walked towards the ward in silence. The sound outside was deafening. I just wanted to take them all home and hold them…

“Uncle Nick! Uncle Brian!” the voices chirped as we entered the ward. A smile landscaped my face. “Hey guys,” I said half whispering. Brian and I went our separate ways…I headed to a little girl, “Hey Mary,” I said to her as I sat on her bed. She lifted her head from her pillow. “You remember my name?” she asked quietly. A lump rose in my throat, but I gulped it down. Couldn’t cry in front of her…in front of them. “Of course I do sweetheart. You and all your friends here are so special to me…” I told her ruffling her hair. She looked up at me, “why? We’re not the future. We’ll be gone before…before you know it,” she said. I smiled at her, “Can I give you a hug?” I asked. She nodded and I pulled her into my arms. I rubbed her back in circles, “God loves you guys sweetie…he just doesn’t want you to hurt anymore. He’s got heaven all set for you…for all of you…everything you want…everything you need…he’s saving for you…cause he loves you…” I told her. “But mama and dad and Jamie…I’m losing them…” she muttered. I sighed, “Mary, Sweetheart…you’re not. Before you know it, we’ll all meet again…soon. And then you’d have the world exactly where you are…” I said to her pulling away to look at her, “I’d better go call god…” she said with a sad smile. I looked at her confused, “What?” I asked her. “Nick, I have to call god,” she said. “Mary…why?” I asked her. “‘Cause I heard heaven was missing an Angel…and I think I found him,” she whispered.

***

I rubbed at my face. Seven-year-old Mary’s words rung in my head, “cause I heard heaven was missing an Angel…and I think I found him,” I held my tears when she said that. Now as I walked back to the entrance I was fighting an awful war against my tear glands. I wished Brian had stayed back…but after his surgery back in 1998 he got tired really fast and so, he left with Kevin and the others so now it was just me.

I leaned my back against the walls of the hallway. Everything those kids told me on my second trip to the ward was swamping in my head. I took in a deep breath…and suddenly the air smelt of a typical hospital…of medicine, antiseptics and detergents. Wriggling my nose I started down the hallway again heading for the front entrance when suddenly I rounded the corner and heard a soft sob from the room across the hall.

I stopped short. The door was ajar and there stood a woman looking out of her room window, her back to me. ‘Should I go in? Or should I just get a nurse?’ Was the debate my mind was participating in at that moment. I looked around the corridor and back into the room. Her face was buried in her hands. Her head was covered in a bright red bandana and she wore, obviously – hospital clothes. I softly placed a knock on her door before walking inside. I was here to visit the children’s ward…but hey, nobody said I couldn’t visit the others. “Hey,” I whispered to her.

The woman looked up, her back still towards me. She violently wiped away the tears that were running down her face before she turned to look at her visitor – Me. I took a step back to lean against the bed when I saw her face. If I hadn’t…I would have just collapsed. As I stared at her, she picked up her glasses from the nightstand and slid them on.

“Nick?” she said softly, not believing her own voice.

“Taamaze…Wha…How? No, What?” I stuttered. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing else came out. She didn’t look anything like the woman I was once married to. I don’t even know how I recognized her. Her face was pale and her eyes were sunken in…and…oh my god…she didn’t have her hair anymore…her beautiful hair…the hair I loved running my fingers through at night.

She looked away, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Something…something was definitely wrong…‘Oh, no Shit Nickolas…why else would she be in a hospital?’ I mentally smacked myself on the head.

“Tammy…what happened?” I asked her finally finding my voice again. My eyes roamed the room and they finally fell on a picture of her and Landon…our son, and a little girl who looked frighteningly like Tammy just before she finally answered me.

“Cancer happened Nick…Cancer,” she whispered.

Back to listing
__________

*2*

“Cancer,” “Cancer,” “Cancer,” the word wouldn’t stop echoing much less throbbing in my head. “C…C…Cancer?” I stammered. “Taamaze, I…I…where’s Landon?” I asked her unable to speak my mind.

That was it…there were those tears again. As I stood and watched her fall apart, I felt my heart break into a million pieces for the second time. If I thought that it couldn’t hurt anymore earlier…I don’t know…I really don’t know how much it hurt now. I just know it hurt a little more.

“Nick…Landon…Landon and his sister are too young to go through this. I…I don’t have much time and they don’t know. I wouldn’t even get to say goodbye…” She cried, her head falling back into her hands.

“Sister?” I asked her taking a step towards the figure standing before me.

“Your daughter…the one you never met - Kaleen. She…I was pregnant when we ended it. And…and I didn’t think you’d care,” she said through her sobs. I pulled her into my arms. She wept openly, “I won’t get to say goodbye Nick,” she cried. Once again I was dumbfounded. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came. Instead tears were threatening to spill. I rubbed her back slowly. Holding her like that, I realized how much I missed her. Her breathing was getting heavy and cut short. I pulled away and held her so I could look in her eyes. “Tammy, why’d you run? So many times I have sat down and had that talk with you…when something happens…running away is never gonna make things right. In fact, it only makes it worse. Look what it did to you now baby…where are the kids? Why’d you take them away from me? Why didn’t you tell me about Kaleen? How could I not care? She’s part of me too…” I told her.

“I’m sorry Nick…since we put an end to everything I just assumed you wanted out of everything…not just of my life, but of Landon’s too. So…so I didn’t even make an attempt to make Kaleen a part of your life. I thought…I thought I’d be able to watch them grow up…do everything for them…watch them skip to school and run back home…watch them graduating…hold them when they fall in love…watch as they walked down the isle. Now I don’t even get to say goodbye. I want to be down here Nick…I want to finish here in Tampa, where I started…I want to lie next to my parents not in some random cemetery in England,” She said sitting down on the bed, her tears falling down her face like the rain which had started up again.

“England? You moved to England? My kids are by themselves in ENGLAND?” I asked her in disbelief. “Sweetheart, you know we could’ve worked this out…” I said to her as I sat down beside her and she rested her head on my shoulder. “Do they know me? Does Landon remember me?” I asked her softly. She lifted her head, “he…he cries every night Nick…” she whispered. I stared at her in disbelief. “I do too,” I told her finding my voice.

“I’ve not got much time Nick,” she said quietly. Strangely her tears were no more. It was as if she had cried enough for her lifetime. “Don’t say that Tammy…Gosh I can’t believe this is happening. Just when I gave up looking for you…I find you…and all this…and Kaleen. Tammy, I’m sorry,” I told her pulling her closer to me. But I couldn’t get close enough. “Don’t be…we made this decision together. Your life and mine didn’t really click. We just thought it did…we were young and we just got caught up in a moment. I’m not gonna lie and tell you that I wasn’t happy when I was with you. I was Nick. I was at that time the happiest woman alive. I just didn’t realize. When Landon was born…when Kaleen was born…even though you weren’t there…she’s still a part of you. That made me happy…but I don’t know about love Nick. I don’t know if I ever loved you. Of course I did, and I guess I still do but I don’t know if it was the right thing. The kind of love that was needed to hold a marriage together, I don’t know if we had that. We were too young…we should’ve listened to our parents. I watched them leave me…but I had a husband…and I had a son…but my kids…my kids don’t have husbands…they don’t have their dad, they…they think I’m away for work…they wouldn’t ever know what happened. It’s not that I don’t love them Nick. I do. I love them with all I have. I would bring down the moon, touch the sky, swim any ocean, walk on fire, I’d do anything for them…but I can’t hurt them. I can’t tell them they’re gonna be alone for the rest of their lives. Can’t tell them that they have to find their way in life that nobody will hold them when I’m gone. I can’t do it…and I can’t say goodbye…” She explained quietly, her voice wavering.

I held her tightly, “Please Tammy…don’t do this. I’ll be there for them. I’ll take them…make you proud. I’ll do all that for them, I’ll bring down the moon, touch the sky, swim the oceans, I’ll walk on fire and I’ll even give them the stars from the night sky…I promise you…I’ll do it. For you, for them…for us. I’ll do it.” I told her blinking back my tears.

She snuggled her face in my chest and I rubbed my fingers on her bandana. I remember running my hands through the hair that used to be there. The thick blonde curls…my eyes fell on the picture on the nightstand once more. I stared at her and then back down at the woman in my arms. In the picture she was happy, content…her green eyes were glowing. Her blonde curls were in all directions due to the wind. Now she was falling apart. Her body was weak, she was sick…almost leaving me…leaving the kids…

“Thanks Nick…I’ll be grateful…forever…and if that’s not enough…I’ll be grateful to you for forever and a lifetime…” she whispered to me. I kissed her head…her bandana. An action that somehow brought tears spilling down my face, “you don’t have to thank me for loving my children Taamaze. I loved Landon even after you left. I searched for you everyday of my life until Brian said you weren’t coming back. And I loved Kaleen the moment you told me about her…where are they Tammy? Who’s got them?” I asked her.

“A friend of mine, back home…in London. It’s been three months since I saw them. I know Lisa won’t have them for long. She’s got a kid herself. I got breast Cancer a year ago…and I was taking treatment there for a while. I was assured that I could carry on my everyday work after treatment was over. They did warn me that a cancer once formed never goes away…even 20 years later it can erupt again. I got the biggest shock when I found out three months later that it had spread to my womb, and liver…that’s when things got really bad. They did all they could but I don’t know if it was just my subconscious but I felt it creeping up and hitting my brain. And it did Nick…so three months ago, I packed up when the kids were asleep I took a flight down here. And here I am…” she said quietly. That did it. That little bit she told me opened rains for me. Tears just flooded down my face. “When were you going to tell me Tammy? WERE you ever going to tell me?” I asked her. A sob escaped her mouth too, “I gave Lisa your address and telephone number…I made her promise she’d call when I passed on.” She explained. “She wouldn’t know Tammy,” I told her. “She will. I filled the emergency form. Put in her name…I know it’s an overseas address but I told them that she was the only person…and so they let me,” she said.

I had to do something. I had to find the kids and bring them down before she…before something happened. I looked at her nestled in my arms, “Can you hang tight for a while? I’ll just be down the hall…” I told her as I helped her to bed. She was exhausted…I could tell. But I had to go…

“Sure, I’ll be fine. Thanks Nick…for coming…” she said softly, wiping her eyes. “Even if it were just a coincidence.” She said with a sad smile. I smiled and kissed her head before heading outside.

I walked three or maybe four steps down the hall and then backed up against the wall. How could this be happening? Things like this only happened in the movies – Or so I thought.

Back to listing
__________

*3*

I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket, switched it on and dialed a familiar number.

“Hello?” a voice picked up.
“Kevin” I muttered into it. “Nick, where are you? Your mom and dad have been looking all over for you…” he said. “Mom and dad?” I questioned confused. “Yeah, they called you at home and when they couldn’t get you on the cell they got worried…what’s up man?” he asked. “How could you tell?” I asked him. “Nick, I’ve watched you grow up. I know all those tones. I’d say this one is more like an ‘I’m trying to be strong but I can’t anymore’ tone,” he sighed, “What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Kevin…can you come down to Tampa General…fast?” I asked him.

My big brother was quiet on the other end. I guess he was trying to figure out what was going on? “Nick, What’s the matter man?” He asked sounding concerned. “I’ll tell you when you get here…I’m in the…hell, I don’t even know where I am…just get down here…please! And don’t tell mom and dad anything if they call again…” I told him. “Nick, are you okay?” Kevin asked. I could tell he was getting worried. “I’m fine…but I don’t know for how long…hurry, please!” I told him before switching the phone off again and shoving it in my pocket.

I hurried down the hall to the nurses’ station. I found the head nurse sitting there. “Hey, I’m Tammy Woodman’s husband. Actually we’re divorced…oh god, anyways…I was just wondering whom does she have on her incase of emergency address?” I asked her. She looked at me strangely, “Young man…Tammy over there was married to Nick…wait a minute, you are Nick Carter…I’m sorry, it’s just we’ve had so many cases where…” She tried to explain.

“It’s alright…I understand…but can you give me the address so I can go grab my kids…and she could say goodbye…” I asked her. She nodded and smiled sadly. She looked it up on the computer and jotted it down for me. “Thanks!” I said to her as I rushed to the entrance to wait for Kevin.

“Nick!” Two voices called as I neared the front doors. I looked up, Brain and Kevin were walking in. I rushed over to them, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got something to show you…” I told them. They looked at me as if I had lost my mind. “Nick,” Brian started but I cut him off, “I promise you…you won’t believe it…Hell, even I didn’t,” I told them as I led them down the hall to Tammy’s room.

I stopped in the doorway and took a deep breath and then led them inside. I walked over to her bed and she was lying down, her eyes closed. I looked over at Kevin and Brian and they exchanged confused glances. I knew they wouldn’t recognize her. It’s not that I wanted them to be surprised it was just that I couldn’t bring my self to tell them. I put my hand on her cheek, “Tammy?” I whispered softly. Kevin gasped from beside me and Brian fell with a thud onto the chair placed beside the bed. I blinked back my tears, “Taamaze, you asleep sweetie?” I asked quietly. She slowly opened her eyes, “No…I was just thinking how my life suddenly changed…” she muttered and trailed off the instant she saw Kevin and Brian - her best friends. She opened her mouth to say something but she couldn’t.

“Oh my gosh!” Brian gasped. He stood up and took her hand in his. “Tammy, what happened to you?” he asked. She sighed, “Brian…I’m not going to make it,” she muttered. Brian and Kevin both looked at her bewildered. “What?” Kevin asked her, his confusion clear in his voice. “Cancer…” she said softly.

******

I stood in the porch of Lisa Kenton’s house waiting for someone to get the door two days later. I wrapped my coat tightly around my body. A slight rain was falling and the gust of wind that was blowing momentarily was just unbearably cold. I ran a hand through my damp hair and sighed. My thoughts were back home. The guys had volunteered to be with Tammy while I left the country to bring the kids back home. I didn’t tell her, just told her to hold on until I get back from work. I knew she was too weak to question me about going to work without the guys so I just left it at that. I was worried. That was an understatement. I was scared…I was terrified.

“May I help you?” a voice asked from the door. I lifted my head slowly. I didn’t even hear it being open. “Hey, is Lisa Kenton home?” I asked. The lady looked at me strangely, “I’m Lisa, how may I help you…Mr.…?” she asked. I gave her a small smile, “Hi Lisa, I’m Nick…Carter. Tammy’s ex-husband…she told me you have the kids,” I told her. She stared at me, “Tammy…Tammy’s okay right?” She asked her worry obvious in her voice and expression. I nodded, “She is…but she’s not got much time,” I told her. She nodded thoughtfully, “Come on inside,” she said pulling open the door wider.

I followed her into her living room where she offered me a seat. I explained to her about how I ran into Tammy two days ago and how upset she is about saying goodbye to the kids. “I…I wanna take them back home,” I told her. “But,” she started. “Please Mam…I need to get them to her…and I promised my wife I’d take care of them…let me take them back,” I begged her. She nodded, “I can’t stop you,” she said softly. She left the room and I heard her call for someone.

Five minutes later she walked in…the kids trailing in behind her. I stood up - I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were so big. Landon gasped, “Dad?” he said not believing his voice for a second. I held out my arms for him and he raced into them. I held him tightly as he cried in my arms, “Dad…” he sobbed. I blinked back my own tears; I lifted my eyes to the tiny figure standing beside Lisa. As I held Landon with one arm I held out the other for her. Slowly she found herself being hugged by me. “I’m so sorry baby,” I whispered to her. “Daddy,” she whispered. I hugged them both tightly. I had part of my life in my arms at that moment I just wished Tammy were there too.

I sat on Kaleen’s bed with her on my lap watching as Landon helped Lisa pack up their stuff. “Okay, that’s about it…I’ll send the rest of the stuff over to you Nick,” Lisa said as she zipped up the last bag. I nodded, “thank you. Thank you for taking them when Tammy had nobody to turn to. And thank you for taking care of them…” I said as I shook her hand gratefully.

“You’re welcome Nick…I’d have done anything for that girl…” she said. She pulled Landon and Kaleen in for a hug. “You guys write to me okay? And…and be good for mama and dad? Alright?” she said to them. I watched as my kids’ expressions changed. Lisa filled me in that they were kind of upset that Tammy never called after she left. Miraculously they weren’t mad at me for not being a part of their lives. Tammy had kept them kind of updated. “Landon, take care of Kaleen…” she said kissing him and finally letting them go. I thanked her again and we left. Now I had to explain about Tammy…

Back to listing
__________

*4*

I brushed a strand of hair away from Kaleen’s face as she rested her head against my chest. “You guys mad at me?” I asked my kids. Landon’s head shot up to look at me taking his gaze away from the window he was looking out of, “Dad….Mama told me why…I don’t know if I really understand but I don’t blame you…or mama…” he said quietly. “Kaleen doesn’t know. Mama was afraid you’d be mad so she didn’t tell you. But dad, you’ve been a part of Kaleen’s life even before she was born. I know my sister prayed every night and day to bring you home…and her prayers were answered,” my son continued. I opened my mouth to say something but Kaleen spun around in my arms to face me, “I love you daddy…I love you so much,” she muttered gripping my tightly. I sighed and hugged her, then stroked my son’s hair. He smiled, “I love you guys too…more then you’ll ever know,” I told them.

“So, where are we going?” Landon asked me. Yes, you guessed right. I still hadn’t told them and we were just minutes away from the hospital. “Guys, you know mama and I love you and we’ll be there for you…forever...” I told them. My kids nodded, “Sure dad…mama always said so too,” Landon answered.

I took in a deep breath, “See, mama had this…mama was sick…and she thought she was okay when she took her medicine but now it’s back….and…and…” I tried to finish but Landon jumped in. “You found mama?” he asked surprised. I nodded, “She’s in AMERICA?” he asked disbelievingly. I nodded again, “But she told us she was going away on work…somewhere in England it self…” Landon gasped.

“Baby, calm down…she’s in hospital. I walked in on her…coincidentally.” I told them. “Mama okay?” Kaleen asked. I sighed, “No sweetie, she’s not. I don’t know…the doctors told her they can’t help…” I muttered. The kids stared at me, “She’s going?” Kaleen asked. I wiped away my tears, “Yes,” I whispered hoarsely.

Landon joined his sister on my lap and we cried.

“Dad…we can’t let her go…” Landon sobbed. “Landon, she’s suffering angel…god promised her heaven…I know he has. We’ve got to be strong for her sweetie. I cant imagine what the hell is going on in her mind…but I know she couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye to the two of you…that’s why I came to get you. I would’ve come eventually but when I found out I knew you two had to be here…” I told him. I rubbed Kaleen’s back, “you okay baby?” I asked her. She shook her head no, “can’t…can’t let her go…” she cried.

“Kaleen, mama has pain…she’ll be happy…we won’t be happy…but we’ve gotta let her go…” I told her. I don’t know if sounded wicked or mean or whatever…but I had to get the point across, that god had saved their mom a better place in heaven that she wouldn’t hurt anymore…hell, even I didn’t want to let her go.

The Taxi pulled to a stop and after paying the guy we were on our way inside…

*****

I walked into Tammy’s room. It was dark but I made out Brian sitting next to her. AJ too. The kids gripped my pants and I held them as close as I could. I quietly stood beside AJ and Brian watching my ex-wife. My friends stared at Landon and Kaleen, obviously amazed. Tammy was asleep…

“Was she okay?” I asked, turning to face Brian and AJ. Startled, Brian looked up from staring at my daughter, “What? Oh…yeah…I mean…she…” he mumbled. I stared at him confused. I gave him a moment to get over the shock…or whatever he was feeling after seeing the kids…and then asked again, “She okay Bri?”

“Uh. Um…” he stuttered again. This time I got worried. What was wrong?

“Nick?” a voice called softly. I turned my head to look at Tammy, her eyes were still closed but I could tell she was awake. “Tamaaze?” I said rubbing her frail hand gently.

“Tammy, there’re some people here to see you…” I told her softly. She sighed, “I talked to Brain and AJ…didn’t I guys?” she asked with a small laugh. I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me, “No, someone…some other people,” I said.

Those words made her open her eyes. I pulled Landon and Kaleen over to me, “our son…and our daughter,” I told her. She blinked once. Twice. Thrice. “The kids?” she asked. I nodded and picked up Landon, placing him on the bed. Then picked up Kaleen and rested her on my hip. Tammy’s fragile hand reached out to touch Landon’s face, “baby,” she whispered to him. That was all it took. Landon burst out crying, resting his head on her stomach.

Kaleen looked up at me with tears filling her eyes. I did all I could to be strong for the three of them…but I didn’t have to. Taamze had found – all of a sudden an amazing stream of strength. She didn’t blink a tear. Not a drop. But one look at her and I knew, she was holding it all in. That moment, I wished she would just cry. Let her defenses break and just cry. But she didn’t.

I looked back right at my daughter, “Daddy,” she muttered before ducking her head in my shoulder. I sniffled, “Shhh Kaleen…it’s gonna be okay,” I told her gently. Tammy reached out to hold her and gently I lowered our daughter to the bed so she could hold her while she still rested on my hip.
“Don’t cry baby, please…everything will be okay…daddy’s here for you. God is calling me,” she said gently as she stroked Kaleen’s hair. I bit my lip to keep from crying. How the hell was she being so strong?
But her soothing words didn’t stop Kaleen’s tears. She sighed and looked at me. I slowly shook my head, “Its okay,” I mouthed. She nodded and reached down to touch Landon’s hair. “Landon? Sweetheart please…that’s enough baby. I wanna go…nobody’s making me…it might just make things easier. Even if…even if nothing happens…I’m not strong enough to take care of you guys now…” she told him. I lifted my gaze and looked at AJ and Brian. Brian was wiping his tears and AJ was on the verge…just like me.

Landon lifted his head. “But that’s not the point ma, at least you’d be there,” he cried. “No baby, please I wanna do this. I hurt baby, I really hurt.” She told him weakly. Landon watched as her head dipped further back into the pillows. I placed Kaleen down on the bed. She wrapped her arms around Tammy’s neck burying her head in her mother’s shoulder. Her brother followed her actions and soon both kids were lying on her side crying. I did the only thing I could think of doing at that moment. I fell on to the chair placed beside her bed and rested my head on her stomach, while holding her I cried.

Back to listing
__________

*5*

I rounded the corner and peeked into the dimly lit room. It’s been two days since I brought the kids down to see their mom and now I was once again visiting the Children’s Ward, only this time by myself.

Many of them were fast asleep. I placed a bunch of flowers with a cuddly teddy signed, “Love, Nick” at each of their beds. After hanging around the rest of them, who were awake I headed towards Mary’s bedside. I peeked under the covers to find her fast asleep. I placed her flowers and teddy on the table next to her bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead. She stirred and seconds later, she was awake. “I’m sorry sweetheart, didn’t want to wake you up,” I said with a smile.

She sat straight up on her bed, “Nick?” she sounded surprised. I laughed, “Didn’t expect me to be back so soon?” I asked her. She shook her head, “No…and it’s a nice surprise…really,” she said with a smile. I nodded, “you doing okay?” I asked her. She smiled sadly, “Yesterday, I told my family what you told me…and since that time, I’ve felt nothing but GREAT!” she said. I looked at her, “What’d you tell them?” I asked.

“About Heaven…God…and how I don’t wanna lose them but…how we’d be together eventually,” she said quietly. My heart soared. “Mary, are you up for taking a walk?” I asked her. She looked at me confused, “A walk? Sure! I’d love to,” she replied with a smile.

I helped her down from the bed and carried her over to the wheelchair. Mary’s cancer was kinda like Tammy’s. It was in her brain. And since she was so young and tiny, the doctors always advised to use the wheelchair. So I did.

“Where are we going?” she asked me as I pushed her down the hallway in the direction of Tammy’s room. “I wanna show you something,” I told her with a smile. She turned slightly so she could see me, “What is it?” she asked. I forced myself to laugh, “I wanna show you my life,” I told her. She smiled, “I think I already know what that must be like Nick. I maybe only 7 but…I don’t know…it’s not easy on you is it?” she asked me. I smiled at her. I wasn’t referring to my career and she didn’t know that. “It’s not about Backstreet Mary,” I told her. She stayed silent, obviously wondering what the hell was wrong with me. “Nick…” she stared but stopped as I pushed open Tammy’s room door. “Nick! What are you doing?” she whispered loudly. I laughed, “Come on…it’s in here…” I told her wheeling her inside.

Landon and Kaleen looked up as I pushed Mary inside. They both obviously looked surprised but nevertheless, they smiled, “Hey!” Landon said. Kaleen’s hand left her mother’s and I peeked to my left finding Tammy lying on the bed, her eyes closed. Mary looked up at me with questioning eyes.

I smiled down at her and motioned for the kids to join me and Mary and they did. I got down to their level and since Mary was sitting it made me easier to talk to her too that way. I pulled the kids to me, Landon standing between my legs and Kaleen sitting on my knee. “Mary, these are my kids…and a part of my life. This is Landon, my son” I said patting Landon’s head “and this is Kaleen my daughter,” I told her. I looked at me kids, “guys, this is Mary…my good friend…I guess you can even say my other daughter,” I told them smiling at her. Mary looked at me with tears in her eyes, “Thanks Nick,” she said softly. I nodded and shifted to hug her tightly.

“Nick?” a voice called me from across the room. I looked at my wife…Hey! I can still call her that even though we’re not legally married anymore. Her eyes were still closed and I slowly got to my feet and walked to her. “Hey baby,” I whispered into her ear, leaning in and kissing her head. Her eyes slowly opened, “where’d you go?” she asked me. I looked over at Mary, talking with my kids. “Who’s here?” Tammy asked. I walked over to Mary and wheeled her to the bed, “Mary, this is my wife…um…this is Tammy, the other part of my life…and Tammy, this is Mary…like I told the kids…she’s my good friend and you can even say my other daughter,” I introduced. Mary stared at her. I guess it was then that everything came into her. She realized…I don’t know what…that my wife has cancer?

“Hey honey,” Tammy said to her. Mary blinked back her tears, “hi Mrs. Carter, it’s nice to meet you,” Mary said softly. Tammy smiled, “hey! You can call me Tammy…”

They talked for a long time…and me and the kids we sat and listened. I guess Landon and Kaleen slowly realized that Mary was joining their mama. It pained me so much.

I looked at Tammy, she was so I don’t know…can I say beautiful? Of course I can…that’s what she was…she was beautiful…and she didn’t need her hair or her smile to make me see that. I closed my eyes. And my mind went back in time to our wedding day…

“Nicky,” a frail voice whispered. My eyes fluttered open and for one split second I saw the woman that married me. The woman I “thought” I was in love with…

She held out her hand for me to take it and I did, moving to be by her side. She pulled me closer to her and I buried my face in her neck, “What’s the matter sweetheart?” I asked her pulling back and looking into her eyes. She looked at me…into my eyes, and I don’t really know what happened. I felt like I was falling in love. “Would you hold me?” she asked softly. I felt my body trembling as I tried to stop my tears. I nodded and pulled her in to my arms holding her as close as I could. I placed my cheek on the bandana covering her head and occasionally rubbed her arms making her warm. Soon, she was asleep. I looked at Mary and smiled sadly and when she returned my smile, I couldn’t help but break down. Holding Tammy as she slept I wept quietly.

****

Half an hour later, Brian came in with Leighanne and seeing that Mary was getting tired I decided to take her back to the ward.

“Nick?” she said quietly as I wheeled her down the hallway. “Yes sweetie?” I asked her. “Thank you,” she said. Confused, I stopped pushing her and walked in front of her. I squatted don to her level so I could see her better. “What for?” I asked. “For letting me meet them…especially Tammy. I have a friend to look out for now, I’m not going to be alone…and you were so right about god wanting the right things for us up there. That he would keep everything we need for us…I’m sorry he’s taking her away from you…but I’ll watch her…I’ll watch her for you,” she said softly. Once again my tears got the best of me. This time we both cried, holding each other.

“Thank you Mary…I know she’s gonna be there for you also. She can be your mom up there…” I told her my tears still falling. She nodded and wiped away her tears as I started to wheel her back into her ward.

Back to listing
__________

*6*

I rolled over in my bed reaching for the phone as it rang loudly in my ear. Groaning loudly I picked it up, “Hello?”

“Nick?” came a familiar voice. I rubbed my face with my hand. “Hey Rok,” I said quietly. Brian laughed softly, “Sorry man, I knew you’d be asleep but I had no choice,” he said. I sat up on my bed, “What’s the matter?” I asked. He laughed again, god how could someone be so chirpy this early in the morning. I squinted my eyes as I looked at the digital clock beside my bed. 7:43 it read. I sighed; this definitely was Brian’s time of the day.

“I was just wondering if you wanna hang out today?” Brian asked. I groaned, “God B, couldn’t this wait?” I asked him. “Sorry man, but I had to make plans you know? So, what’d ya say?” he asked.

I leaned my head against the headboard, “I dunno man, I gotta go to the hospital and I gotta take the kids…” I told him. “I know man…I was wondering if you wanna maybe you know, talk?” He asked me.

I had to smile. Brian was the only one…at present who knew me. I would’ve said Tammy too…but that was when we were married. He knew after spending the last whole day at the hospital with Tammy I had to get it off my chest…he knew I wanted to talk…but I don’t know if he knew I wanted to cry…

“Brian, how about I meet you at the Hospital at about 10? We can just go for a walk outside while the kids are with their mom…” I told him. I could almost hear the smile in Brian’s voice as he replied, “Sure bro, I’ll see you later then, and hey, wake up man…you’ve got the kids to go to now,” he said before hanging up.

Yawning and stretching lazily I pulled myself out of the bed and padded towards the kids’ room. Peeking through the gap of the half opened door I saw Landon moving around the room in his PJs. “Morning baby,” I said as I walked in. He looked up smiling, “hey dad! ‘Morning,” he replied. “Whatcha doing up so early?” I asked as I sat down on the bed next to Kaleen, who was fast asleep.

“I was gonna come sleep in your room…but now I think I’m just gonna shower,” he said. I patted the spot next to me and he joined me, “You wanna go with me and your sis to my room and just laze around for about an hour before we shower?” I asked him knowing he’d love the idea. A bright smile landscaped his face and soon we were on my bed just lying on the bed staring at the ceiling…I guess trying to get used to it. Deep down an inner voice was screaming at me saying I can’t do it without Her. Without Tammy. But I had to learn. I had to be there.

*****

I smiled down at Tammy as I handed her the bunch of flowers I got her on the way. “Thanks Nicky,” she said softly. “Hey, what’s the matter?” I asked her. She smiled weakly at me, “Nothing,”

“Don’t nothing me…what’s up Tammy? Please…tell me,” I said to her as I sat on the bed rubbing her arms. I peered into her eyes, something wasn’t right. I could see it. “Tammy?” I whispered when she didn’t answer. She lifted her eyes to mine, “its getting closer Nicky,” she said quietly. I sighed and bit on my lower lip. “Tammy,” I started but she cut me off, “Shh…No Nicky, I need to know…can you do it?” she asked. The hair at the back of my neck stood up straight. I swear.

“Tammy I told you. I’ll take them to the moon…I’ll give it to them. I promised you, you remember?” I asked her. She nodded, “I know you will Nick. I just wish I could watch, you know?”

“You will watch Baby, you do your good deed, you get your wings…and then you’re ours. Our angel,” I told her softly. She smiled, and at that moment I felt my tears, but I held them back. I couldn’t show her that I was scared. “I can’t leave them Nick. I’m scared. When we broke it off I knew deep down that I have you to run to…that we left with no hard feelings but Nick, I’m sacred of leaving you now,” she muttered.

I gulped and stared at her. Shit! Now what am I supposed to say? Oh god! ‘I’m afraid of you leaving me too’??? I can’t say that. I’m supposed to be strong for her.

I heard a soft sob and looked down to see her crying. “Shhh baby, please don’t cry. You, me, the kids…we’ll all be okay Tammy, nothing’s going to happen,” I told her sitting down on her bed and pulling her to me. “That’s what we want Nicky. But it’s not what’s gonna happen, I’ve been told that there’s no cure for what I’ve got Nick. And I know what’s really wrong with me. I know I’ve got a cancer, and that it’s at the last stage. Something IS going to happen,” she said softly, while she hid her face in my chest. “Tammy, we’ve got each other…and the kids, we’ll be fine,” I told her. I continued to hold until her tears stopped. I knew she had to let them out and after the first try I made no attempt to stop her.

I sighed and kissed her hand. She tightened her grip around my hand and I held it to my face. I moved forward and stroked her face gently, “I’m scared Nick,” she whimpered. I looked into her eyes, “please sweetie, don’t be…I’ll always be there for you,” I told her. “You won’t be there for me when I leave Nick…that scares me,” she whispered.
I shook my head, “No baby, I will…in here…” I told her placing our intertwined hands on the left side of my chest, indicating my heart, and then hers.

“I’m so glad you found me,” she whispered. My heart melted, I leaned over her and placed a soft kiss on her lips. I just had to do it, and the moment I did I knew I shouldn’t have ever let her go. “I’m glad too Tammy,” I muttered as I sat back down on the chair waiting for Brian.

Back to listing
__________

*7*

I looked up as Brain sauntered into the bedroom, “Hey,” I whispered to him “you’re late,”

He smiled, “Sorry!” he mouthed as he joined me at Tammy’s bedside, ruffling Landon’s hair and picking up Kaleen as he passed them.

He planted a kiss on Tammy’s cheek, “She doing okay today?” Brian asked. I nodded, “yeah,” I answered. He sighed and rested a hand on my shoulder, “Are you okay?”

I gulped and looked up at him “Sure,” I muttered.

“Of course he’s not okay Bri. Take a good look…he’s gonna break down….just trying to be strong,” Tammy whispered. Startled, Brian and I looked down at her. She smiled and then reached for my hand. I managed a weak smile, it was the best I could do.

“Nick, it’s gonna be okay baby…please…don’t look like you just lost your best friend.” She gave my hand a squeeze. I felt my chin tremble and I looked down, “I didn’t lose her yet Tammy. What I can’t take is that I AM losing her. It hurts,” I said quietly. I knew she gave Brian a helpless look. I almost saw it. “Nick, you gotta be strong. Look at me,” she whispered. I lifted my head and looked at her face, “we’re all strong Nick. Me…Landon…Kaleen…everybody. Everybody but you…” I rubbed her face lightly with my free hand, “We’ll be fine,” I forced a smile.

She smiled at my happily, “That’s my very good boy,”.

“Hey,” a voice called from the door. We spun around to find Leighanne standing beside it. She smiled and walked over to us. Landon followed.

“You doing good?” she asked Tammy.

“Yeah, but Nick here could use some cheering up,” she said with a smile. I sighed wishing desperately that she wouldn’t smile so much. Not only was it sad to look at, it was making my heartbeat race a mile a minute.

“Leigh and Tammy will be fine. Oh, and Kevin and Kristin will stop by too, what do you say Nick? Wanna go out for a walk?” Brian asked. I knew what he meant. Our ‘appointment’ we made earlier. I looked down at Tammy, “Go baby,” she whispered. I stood up, suddenly reluctant to leave her. I leant over and kissed her head. “Go,” she said still holding my hand. I nodded and she let my fingers go. It was like in the movies, when you knew that she didn’t want to you to go but WANTED you to go…you know?

I sat down on a bench outside the hospital and Brian followed suit. “You gonna be okay?” He asked me. I looked at him, “Bri,” I whispered.
”What? What’s wrong?” he asked sensing the tone of my voice was not right. “I dunno…I think…I think I fell in love, as in REALLY in love,” I whispered. Brian looked at me startled, “with Tammy?” he asked. I gulped, and then nodded. “Oh my god,” Brian muttered under his breath.

“Brian, she told me she’s scared of leaving me,” I told him. He stared at me and I continued, “How can I tell her that I’m scared myself that she’s leaving me?” I asked him. He looked down at his hands, “I dunno Nick…maybe you should tell her how you feel, Maybe she needs to hear it,” he said.

“But…she might not feel the same way,” I said softly. Brian sighed, “Nick, first thing, I’ve never…when you guys were married seen her speak to you the way she did a few minutes ago…and number two, even if she doesn’t feel the same way, which I doubt, she’ll be happy to hear you tell her Nick.”

I felt my tears. And I couldn’t stop them. Brian looked at me, when he saw the tears he rested a hand on my shoulder, “nothing’s gonna stop her from leaving Nick. You must understand that. Do you remember that not long ago you were living without her?” he asked.
And then, a new flood of tears. “But I knew she was there. And I didn’t think I loved her then…it took me all this to realize that good god I DO love her, Brian I do...And I’m not talking out of the heat of the moment. I’ve thought about it a lot. That’s why I readily agreed this morning to come out with you, and now I’ve got the kids and…” I couldn’t continue. A sob escaped my throat. “I needed to talk Bri,” I whispered.

“Nick, man you gotta be strong, you know that…you’ve got a 6 year old and a 4 year old to be after…you’re life’s never gonna be the same thing it was a few days ago…I know sometimes you just need to cry it out and I’m glad you’re doing that but you can’t keep doing it. You’ve got to stand on your two feet and think with your heart and your mind…it’s all gonna be you now…you’re not gonna have their mom to tell you ‘yeah, Nick do that, its fine,’ or to tell you, ‘don’t do that Nick…its not good for any of you,’ I know it’s been all about you since it all ended but now it’s YOU taking care of the kids…without her…I don’t want you to hurt Nick…but this is reality…this is life,” Brian explained.

I dropped my head into my hands. My sobs were not reducing...just increasing. My body shook violently as Brian’s words sunk deep into me, “Without her”

“Nick,” Brian said…maybe in an attempt to tell me to get a move on…but I couldn’t. “I can’t live without her Brian, I can’t do it,” I cried.

“NICK!” a voice screamed from the direction of the hospital. My head snapped up, and in a blur I watched as Leighanne ran up to us. Brian got worried, “Leigh, you okay baby?” he asked as she skidded to a stop. Her face was pale and there were traces of tears running down her cheeks. And suddenly, it hit me…She yelled “Nick!” not “Brian!”

I stared at her as she tried to steady her breathing, “Tammy,” she gasped and that was all I needed to hear. I didn’t wait for them, I just ran.

I made it into the building and raced down the hallway and I knew curious faces were staring at me burning holes at the back of my head, but I didn’t care. Breathing hard I pulled myself to a stop at Tammy’s doorway. I could hear voices whispering quietly and my kids crying. I gasped, the kids!

I pushed open the door and went inside. Tammy’s doctor was at her bedside and Landon was sitting on the bed, his head on Tammy’s stomach. Kevin was carrying Kaleen.

“No,” I whispered. “No god…No…don’t take her…”I muttered to myself as I made my way towards Tammy. Dr. Kelly looked up, “Mr. Carter, She’s going,” he whispered. Dumbfounded, I stood there not knowing what to do. I felt someone take my hand and when I looked down, I saw Tammy’s frail hand in mine. She smiled at me, “I told you,” she whispered.

I fell onto the chair placed near the bed, “Tammy, no…” I stroked her head and slowly brought my hand down to her face. Her eyes fluttered close, “I can’t do anything Nick. I did fight…for you, and my children…but I can’t now,” she muttered gasping for breath. I tightened my grip around her hand.

“Thank you Nick…for everything you did for me, for giving me a beautiful life. For marrying me…we didn’t last but you gave me Landon and Kaleen…my strength. For bringing them down here…promising to take care of them…for being there for me when I didn’t have anyone to turn to. You made the past few days beautiful for me,” she said softly. “Tammy don’t. Please don’t,” I pleaded, I couldn’t help my tears.

She gave a soft laugh, “Nick, I have to tell you…you made me fall in love with you…in a matter of days. I know it was there even when we broke it off, but I couldn’t find it…it was buried somewhere in my heart…I know now Nick. I wish I found it then…I love you,” she said as tears started to fall from her eyes. I stared at her. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, protect her from anything that wanted to part. I sat on the bed and I did take her in my arms. I pulled in for a long hug, “I love you too Tammy, I love you too,” I whispered.

Her goodbyes to Landon and Kaleen had to be the worst. Kevin and Brian left the room in tears that came down like the rain the other night after they said theirs. She hugged Landon first and then Kaleen. “I love you so much my angels,” she whispered. She sat there talking to them like she wasn’t going anywhere…and then she rested her head back down on the pillow. She grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze and smiled up at me as if to say, “be strong baby,”.

I leaned in and kissed her gently. “I love you,” I whispered tearfully as I took her in my arms again, “I love you too Nick and I’ll be sure to tell Him Nick…that his missing angel is right down there on earth…”

So I got to hold her, just the way I wanted to…but I couldn’t stop her from leaving me. She passed right there in my arms.

***
Trying to keep my calm I walked slowly towards the children’s ward. I could feel tears stinging my eyes but I refused to cry. Brian was right; I had to get a grip on myself.

I held onto Tammy and cried for about half an hour. I faintly remember Brian and Kevin pulling me away from her so the hospital orderlies could take her away. And I faintly remember holding my kids and crying with them. Then I left the room. I didn’t know were I was going until I realized I was at the children’s ward.

I peeked inside and since it was kinda late, the kids were all asleep. I was about to head back to where my kids and the others were when I noticed Mary’s bed. It was empty. Something surged through my body. I grabbed the doorframe for support. My head was spinning at high speed. I lifted my head when I head footsteps, “Ah, Mr. Carter,” Mary’s nurse said with a warm smile. She held up one finger motioning for me to give her one second. Then she came back, “This is for you, it’s from Mary,” she said and walked away before I could say anything.

I ripped the envelope open and pulled out the letter inside,

Dearest Nick

If you are reading this, then I have already passed. I’m just writing to tell you that you’ve been a huge inspiration in my life and I thank you for all you did for me and the others in this ward. Oh yeah, the other guys too. Anyways, thank you for all the flowers and the cute bears you left at my bedside when you came to visit. For your love and affection that filled my heart.

I promised you today that I would no matter what, take care of your beautiful wife for you up there in God’s garden…and I still hold it in my heart. For everything you did for me, I will do this for you…

Thank you and love you loads.

Mary

Ps- you have beautiful kids…I don’t think I told you that J

I folded the letter and stuffed it in my pocket. Brushing away the tears I headed back to the others. Kaleen and Landon saw me first. I stopped walking as they raced their way in to my arms, where we had another good cry.

The End

Email thoughts and comments to Najah@itmin.com

Hosted

Home