Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene 1
INT. Austin's Shag-House
Austin Powers: Hello. Welcome to my Shag - House, baby! This is the place to shag-shag-shag! It you get tired of shagging...leave! We do nothing but shag, baby! Yeah!
Ding, Dong!
Austin: [CONT'D] Ooh! I hope it's some Swedish Stewardess! They love to shag, baby!
Austin opens the door.
Pee - Wee Herman: Hi, I'm Pee-Wee Herman and I live around the corner from your fun house.
Austin: That's Shag-House.
Pee-Wee: Well, I want to let you know that you can come to my playhouse anytime you want.
Austin: Have you ever shagged anybody?
Pee-Wee: Hmmmmmm. I play with my toys!
Austin: Well, my question has been answered.
Pee-Wee: Well, I better be going. I think I see Miss Ivan---the most beautiful woman in PupetLand.
Austin: Does she shag?
Pee-Wee: Uh?--- She played post office and library once!...gotta go! Bye!
Miss Ivan walks to the door.
Austin: Hello there, baby! Are you by chance a Swedish Stewardess?
Miss Ivan: No, but I can pretend I am.
Austin: Well, let's pretend, baby!
Miss Ivan: Let me warn you. They are called flight attendents now.
Austin: Anything you say, baby!
Miss Ivan: Okay, you sit on the bed and pretend you are about to take off.
Austin: Groovy, baby!
Miss Ivan: Hello, sir. May I help you?
Austin: Do you know of any Swedish Stewardess on this flight?
Miss Ivan: Yes!
Austin: Who, Baby?!
Miss Ivan: Me!
Austin: You're shagadelic!--right?
Miss Ivan: Yes, as a matter a fact "Shagging" is my middle name!
Austin: Oh, behave!
Miss Ivan: Would you care for anything to drink?
Austin: Milk, please!
Miss Ivan: Oh, Austin!
Austin: Let me ask you... Do I make you horny, baby?!
Miss Ivan: Oh, yes.
Austin: Then let's shag---shall we?
They shagged and shagged and shagged...infinity!... (Well not really)
Meanwhile...
Scene 2
INT. Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Pterry: Pee-Wee!
Pee-Wee: What do you want?
Pterry: What's the matter?
Pee-Wee: I'm just thinking.
Magic Screen: About what Pee-Wee?
Pee-Wee: About why Miss Ivan hasn't come visit me. I she would come.
Jambi: Wish? Did somebody say wish?
Pee-Wee: I did, Jambi! I wish Miss Ivan could be here.
Jambi: Okay. I'm going to need your help---Repeat after me. Mekalekahi Mekahinny ho! Mekalekahi Mekachiney ho! Molamekahimekamoolamoola hey! (repeat) Your wish is granted, long live Jambi.
There was a ray of light that shunned the playhouse. Miss Ivan was beamed into the playhouse.
Jambi's box closed.
Pee-Wee jumps up and down.
Pee-Wee: Miss Ivan! Yippy!
Miss Ivan: Pee-Wee, that wasn't very nice.
Pee-Wee: Miss Ivan?
Miss Ivan: What is it, Pee-Wee?!
Pee-Wee: You're naked!
Miss Ivan: I'm not naked, Pee-Wee! This is called a slip!
Pee-Wee: Well, have you forgotten, Miss Ivan, that this is a CHILDREN'S SHOW?!
Miss Ivan: (gulped) Hello, boys and girls. Pee-Wee caught me when I was sleeping.
Pee-Wee: (under his breath) With who?
Miss Ivan: I'll go change!
Pee-Wee: While she changes, you can watch a Penny cartoon!
Scene 3
Austin's Shag-House
Austin: I wonder what I should do now. (pause) You're right, baby! I should find out the secret "shag word!" Let's ask Mojo!
Austin walked over to Mojo and pumped him up. Mojo then said, "You've got a shag word!" Austin pulled the shag word out of the Shag Machine.
Austin: The secret shag word is---Horney! Everytime you hear the secret shag word, scream, "Yeah, baby!," as loud as you can! Let's try it, baby!
Austin walked over to Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
At Pee-Wee's Playhouse...
Pee-Wee: Hi there, boys and girls! While you were watching Penny, I was making a snack.
Miss Ivan: I feel much better now!
Pee-Wee: I guess I should take off my blind fold now, huh, Miss Ivan?!
Miss Ivan: Oh, Pee-Wee!
Pee-Wee: That's my name, don't wear it out!
Ding, Dong!
Pee-Wee: I'll get it! I'll get it!
Pee-Wee ran to the door and opened it.
Austin: Hello.
Pee-Wee: Oh, it's you.
Austin: Stop it! I can't take all this excitemnt!
Miss Ivan: Hello, Austin.
Austin: Hello, hello, hello! So, did you miss me?
Miss Ivan: Oh, yes, Austin.
Austin: Tell me, Miss Ivan, Do I make you, uh...uh...
Miss Ivan: Horney?
All: Yeah, baby!
Miss Ivan: What?
Pee-Wee: Hey, I don't understand.
Austin: You said the secret shag word!
Pee-Wee: Horney?
All: Yeah, baby!
Pee-wee: That reminds me. I never found out today's secret word. Let's ask Conkie!
Pee-Wee pulled the plug on Conkie and he started to move.
Conkie: Conkie 2000, ready to assist you Pee-Wee.
Pee-Wee: Good morning, Conkie! What's today's secret word?
Conkie: Today's secret word is...
Conkie spits out the word, Pee-Wee pulls the paper out, and looks at it.
Pee-Wee: Today's secret word is, "Duh!" Remember, everytime you hear the secret