TV Wonder: The Last Shows Down By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster Scene 1 INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Night (Milwaukee) The apartment is dark, the girls are having a fun weekend in Chicago. The door knob is giggling, there's a loud thump, and then a painful groan; another thump follows. EXT. Outside the apartment door - Night Lenny is bent down, rubbing his sore head. Lenny: I feel a lump. Squiggy: Slap a dead fish on it and shut up. (brief pause) Now, Lenny, break down that door! Lenny: Squig, I don't think I can. Squiggy: Break that door down or else I'll tell Laverne about your dreams. Lenny: You said you'd never tell. Squiggy: I didn't promise nothing, now bust that door off its hinges! Lenny leans against the door and it opens. He falls to the floor. Lenny: (groans) Ooh, mommy! Squiggy: Good man. Now get up. Lenny: (standing up, painfully) Haven't I done enough? Squiggy: Enough? A baby could have opened that door. Lenny: Then why didn't you do it? Squiggy: Watch it, Len. I got external evidents on you. Lenny: That was between you and me, you know that? Squiggy: We'll talk about this later. The girls come home tomorrow -put that gadget on the couch. (laughs) Maybe they'll get eaten by dinosaurs. Lenny: (frowns) I don't want Laverne to get hurt. Squiggy: Nothing will happen, see. All she'll do is come in here and go, (in a whiny voice) "Hey look, Shirley. A it's a box with a shiny red button on it." (picks up the remote) Then Shirley will say, (in a high sweet voice) "Is that so, Laverne? Let me see Ooh, it's so cute." Then, she'll press that button like this...(pushes the button) Lenny/Squiggy: Aaah! ZAP! They go into the television set. The remote falls to the floor and small letters on the back read: "The TV Wonder is guaranteed to take you anywhere: past, present and future." Scene 2 Sitcom: CHEERS (Season 5) INT. Cheers Bar - Day Lenny and Squiggy instantly appear just as Norm Peterson walks in. Norm: (doesn't notice Lenny and Squiggy) Morning, everybody. Everyone: (except Lenny and Squiggy) Norm! Diane Chambers: Norman. Sam Malone: Hey, Norm. What can I get you? Norm: How about a job? Cliff Clavin: You really should look into joining the United Postal Service, but, er, you have to earn your stripes. Woody Boyd: I didn't know that you were a fighter, Mr. Clavin. Cliff: Of course I am, Woody. You see, back in 18... Norm: (getting off his stool) I need a job. Lenny and Squiggy are in love with Diane; they can't take their eyes off of her. Squiggy bumps into Norm. Squiggy: Watch it, fatso! Norm: Are you talking to me? Squiggy: (notices his height) That wasn't me. It was, uh, him! (points to Paul) Norm: Thanks. (walks over to Paul) Paul: Hey, Norm. Norm takes Paul's beer and pours it over his head. Paul: What was that for? Carla Tortelli: (passing by with a bowl of pretzels) Does he really need a reason? (stuffs a pretzel up Paul's nose) Lenny bumps into Diane, accidentally. Diane: Excuse me. Lenny: (groans) Ooh. Diane: Are you ok? Lenny: I... (falls to the floor) Squiggy: We've got a dying man here! Diane: (kneels down, puts her ear on his chest) He's still alive. Sam: Maybe I should call a doctor. As Sam was saying those words, Dr. Frasier Crane and Dr. Lilith Sternin enter the bar, only hearing the word: "Doctor." Frasier: Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Lilith: Yes, darling. Frasier: How may I help? Diane: Frasier, this man just fainted. He might need CPR. Frasier: Diane, when someone faints, they do not necessary need CPR. It just means, he or she is fatigued or hungry or dehydrated... Lilith: Or they could be experiencing symptoms of intoxication. This is a bar, for God Sakes. Frasier: Yes, that, too. Diane, do you remember what happened before he fainted? Diane: Yes. He bumped into me and he made a funny sound. Frasier: Inebriation, of course. It's so obvious. Squiggy: You ain’t doing anything to my friend. Frasier: So, you know this man? Squiggy: Yeah, you hard of seeing, doc? Frasier: Don't you mean to say, "Are you hard of hearing?" Squiggy: No, I asked you first. Lilith: Perhaps one of you could take this man to the hospital. Squiggy: Why, you ain't good enough? Lilith: (correcting him) You "aren't" good enough. Squiggy: If you wasn't so dead looking, I'd - Wait a minute. You was that ghost in that picture, "Zombies, Ghosts, and Ghouls"! I'd know that mug anywhere. Lenny opens his eyes. Diane: Look, he's alive! (claps her hands together) It's a miracle! Frasier: (holds up 4 fingers) How many fingers am I holding up? Lenny: Three. Squiggy: He's ok! Carla: Who are you guys, anyways? Squiggy: I'm Squiggy. The one on the floor is Lenny. Sam: Are you from out of town? Squiggy: Milwaukee - the cheese state. Carla: We finally found two guys dumber than Woody. Woody: Thank you, Carla. Carla nods and walks away. Lenny: Where am I? Sam: Cheers. Lenny: Where's that? Sam: You're in Boston, pal. (helps Lenny up) Can I get you guys a beer or have you had too... Lenny: Too, what? Carla: (creeping up behind them) He wants to know if you're drunk? Squiggy: No. Lenny: I don't think so. Sam: Good. Then you'll have a beer...on the house. Norm: (jumps up) Free beer? Scene 3 INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Morning The girls return to find the door is ajar. Shirley: (gasps) Burglars. Laverne: What do we have worth stealing? Shirley: Laverne, bite your tongue! Laverne: (through her teeth) Shirl, I'm trying to discourage them. Shirley: Right. Laverne: (loudly) Well, thanks, pop, for helping us get in safely. What's that, pop - you want to go into our bedroom with a bat? (motions for her and Shirley to grab a bat) Shirley: (sees the remote) Laverne, what's this doing back here? I thought we decided to throw it away. Laverne: Yeah, I did. Shirley: What happened, Laverne - did it grow legs and walk back here? I bet it let itself in, too. Laverne: (picks it up) It's got writing. Shirley: Laverne Marie DeFazio, put that thing down this instant! Do you not remember what happened to us the last time? Laverne: Sure. Shirley: Then, what? Laverne: Weird stuff. Shirley: Yeah! So whatever you do, don't press that red button. Laverne: Like this? (presses the red button) Shirley: No, Laver-- ZAP! The girls were gone. Scene 4 Sitcom: FRASIER (Season 4) INT. Frasier's Apartment - Day Laverne and Shirley appear, as Eddie (the dog) jumps on Frasier's couch. Shirley: Aw, Laverne, it's a cute little puppy. Laverne: It looks like a dog to me. Shirley: (baby voice) Hello there, little puppy dog. Arf, arf, arf! Laverne: Shirl, look around. We're not in our apartment. This ain't your dog! Daphne Moon: (O.S.) Eddie, you better not be on that couch. You know what Dr. Crane said he'd do the next time he catches you! Eddie jumps down. Shirley: (squeals) Did you see that, Laverne? Laverne: Forget about the dog. We're going to jail. Shirley: The dog won't tell. Laverne: But she will. (points to Daphne, who just walked in) Daphne: (gasps) Are you who I think you are? Laverne: Listen, we don't want to cause no trouble. Daphne: You are her! Laverne: Who? Daphne: Laverne, or is it Shirley? Laverne: Don't let the "L" on my sweater confuse you; It's Laverne. Shirley: Do we know you? Laverne: Hold on a minute. Excuse us. (to Shirley) This is like the last time, only, they ain't calling us Penny and Cindy. Shirley: That was odd, wasn't it? (looks over at Daphne) Did you notice that "D" pinned on her shirt? Laverne: Hey, uh, Diane...Donna....Debbie...Doris...Denise... Daphne: It's Daphne. Laverne: My next guess. Frasier enters. Frasier: You would think that my day could not get any worse. (Eddie jumps onto the couch and wags his tail; Frasier, gruffly) Eddie. Eddie sinks his head into the cushions. Frasier: (looks at Daphne, who is very still) Well, aren't you going to do something? Daphne: Come along, Eddie. I'll fix you a bowl of pâté, er, I mean a patty. (Eddie gets up and runs into the kitchen) Frasier: If he does get into my imported pâté de foie gras, it will be his last meal and your last paycheck. Daphne exits to the kitchen, mumbling words like, "That would solve a lot of my problems." Frasier sees Laverne and Shirley, but doesn't really think much of it since he's too deep in thought over other things. The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to reveal, Niles Crane, Frasier's handsome younger brother. Niles: Frasier, you'll never guess what happened to me today. Frasier: Judging by your quirky manner, it must be about Maris. Niles: (grins) Yes! Daphne enters. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Frasier: Would you like some sherry Niles? Niles: Yes. Frasier: So what has your peach blossom done now? (grazes Laverne's shoulder, looks at her) Laverne: Hello. Frasier: (grins, looks over at Daphne) Who is this? Laverne: Why didn't you just ask me, I'm right here. Frasier: Who are you? Laverne: Laverne DeFazio. Frasier: What are you doing here? Laverne: I -- Daphne: She's my friend from Milwaukee. Frasier: I didn't know you had friends in Milwaukee. Daphne: Well, when I first came to America, I stayed in Milwaukee and met Laverne...and Shirley. Fraiser: Dear God, has all the English cooking of yours gone to your head? This could not possibly be Laverne and Shirley; that was some television show! It haunted me all through college. Daphne: It was a funny show; Nothing scary about that. Frasier: The room across the hall from mine would have it on while I was trying to study. And let's not forget the sex that was happening in the next room! Between the banging of the walls and the laughter, I don't know how I managed to get much reading done. Laverne: (confused) Daphne rolls her eyes. Daphne: If anybody needs me, I'll be taking a shower. Niles steps forward, as if to offer his assistance. Frasier stops him, reluctantly. Shirley: (playing with Eddie) Jump! Jump! (Eddie jumps) Aw, isn't he precious? Niles: Maybe I should make my announcement now. Frasier: What? Niles: I've been removed completely from the mansion. Maris changed the locks and told me never set foot in there again. Frasier: Are you alright with this? Niles: Where's my sherry? Laverne: Shirl, let's get out of here. This place gives me goose bumps, and not the good kind. The doorbell sounds - Eddie grabs a scarf from Shirley and runs to Daphne's room. Shirley: (gasps) Eddie took my Fabian scarf. Laverne: You have a Fabian scarf? Shirley: I took it from his dressing room as a souvenir. I really need it back. Laverne: Where did Eddie go? Shirley: (points to Daphne's room) Frasier opens the door to reveal, Roz Doyle. Frasier: Roz! I would like you to meet some friends of Daphne's... Roz: (sees Laverne and Shirley; very excited) Oh, my, God! I love you guys! Frasier: Well, I guess everyone knows everyone in Wisconsin. Roz: I grew up with you guys. You look great, by the way! Laverne: We ain't who you think we are. Roz: You're not Laverne? Laverne: Yeah. Frasier: What puzzles me is your youthful existence. Your show was on, what, 20 years ago? Do you go by your character names just for fans? Laverne: Huh? Roz: I had such a crush on Carmine, but Fonzie - he was all over my locker in school. Niles: That explains your obsession with prison inmates. Roz: (hits Niles) Laverne: Come on, Shirl. Let's try jumping into their TV. Shirley: Not without my scarf! Daphne comes running out of her room, wearing only a small towel. Niles mouth is agape, his fascination with her nearly naked body is more than he can handle. Daphne: Come back here with my sponge! Niles: (to Frasier) Remind me to buy Eddie a Mercedes. Frasier: He's a dog! Niles: I know, but he's a good dog. Frasier: (hits Niles over the side of his head) Snap out of it! Niles: (runs to help Daphne) Eddie. Shirley: (following) Where's my scarf, Eddie? Frasier: Oh, dear, God. Scene 5 INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Day Carmine opens the unlocked door. Carmine: This door wasn't unlocked the last time I was here. (looks around) Hey! Whoever is in here better come out now! (sees the remote; walks to it) What's this? (steps on the "eject" button; the televison set starts to glow) What's going on here? Laverne, Shirley, Daphne and Niles popped into the living room. Niles: Ouch! Daphne: I'm sorry I landed on you, Dr. Crane. Niles: Perfectly all right, Daphne. It wasn't your fault. Shirley: (gets up) Carmine! I'm so glad to see you. Carmine: Where did you come from, and who are they? Niles stands up, dusts his self off many times. Niles: (gets out his hanky) This place must hold vacancy for all kinds of vermin. Lenny and Squiggy burst out of the television set with Carla hanging off of Squiggy - Diane follows. Carla: I'm going to kill you! Diane: (laughs, after landing on the couch) That was fun, let's go again. Carla: Shut up, Blondie, I'm trying to kill someone here and by the way, you're next. Diane: (looks around) Where are we? Carla: Where do you think? (notices her unfamiliar surroundings; stops hitting Squiggy) Hey, what happened to the bar? Lenny: It's about a block down that way. Diane: We're not in Boston. Carla: (sarcasm) Gee, Diane, what gave that away? Daphne: (to Diane) I know who you are. Diane: Oh, have we met? Daphne: Yes, except your hair was straighter. Niles: Oh yes, Diane. The one woman who left Frasier standing at the alter, just so she could run off with that ex-ball player... Daphne: Sam? Niles: That's it. Carla: It makes me sick to see her with Sam. Just looking at her face makes me want to barf. Niles: Lovely. Lenny and Squiggy look at Daphne. Squiggy makes kissing noises and Lenny bites his palm. Squiggy: Scram, Len, I saw her first. (walks over to Daphne) Hello there my mound of flesh. Daphne: Excuse me? Are you calling me fat? Niles: (takes offense) How dare you. She is not fat. She is perfectly...(he wants to touch her, but holds back) Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. (notices that she's still only wearing a towel) Oh dear. Laverne takes Carmine and Shirley into the bedroom. Carmine: What's going on here? Who are all those people? Laverne: You see, Shirley and I came home early last night and there was this box laying on the floor. Carmine: I saw that. Laverne: Well, we pressed a red button and....what? You know about that box? Carmine: Yeah. I accidentally stepped on it when I came in here to check on things. Shirley: I hope you didn't break it. Carmine: All I did was hit a button. Shirley: What button? Carmine: How should I know...? Laverne: Remember something, anything. Carmine: Well, it started with an "E". Laverne: Good. Shirley: Thanks, Carmine, and Carmine.... (kisses him) You didn't welcome be back. Laverne exits, goes back into the living room filled only with Lenny and Squiggy. The boys are looking under furniture, inside kitchen cupboards, under the rug... Laverne: Where'd they go? Squiggy: Me and Lenny were playing tag and... Lenny: I hurt my toe on that box... Squiggy: And once Lenny stopped crying, they were all gone. Laverne turns on the television set. "Cheers" comes on. EXT. Cheers Bar - Day TV: "Cheers" was filmed before a live studio audience. Niles and Daphne stand to the side of the bar near the coat rack. Daphne: Dr. Crane, how did we end up in a bar? Niles didn't answer, but he did, however, lend Daphne his jacket. Lilith walks into the bar and sits down. Woody: Hello, Miss Sternin. Lilith: Woody. Niles looks at Daphne, who can't help staring at Sam. Niles: Do you know who that is? Daphne: That baseball player who came to visit a few years ago. Niles: No. Besides, you're too good for him, Daphne. I'm talking about Lilith. Daphne: Oh, her. (grabs her forehead) Ooh, this isn't good. Niles: Daphne, are you ok? Do you need a doctor? (thinks for a moment) Wait, I am a doctor. Show me where it hurts. Daphne: It's my head. It's throbbing. Niles: Well, come over here and lie down. I'll go get some ice. (rushes to the bar) Excuse me. Woody: Hey, what can I get you? Niles: Ice and lots of it. Woody: There's plenty of snow outside. Niles: I don't want snow; I want fresh ice! Woody: You know, I was just thinking that you remind me of someone. Niles: That's nice. Where's the ice? Woody: Coming right up. Lilith: (leans over to Niles) What are you doing here in Boston? I thought you were married to Maris? I was at your wedding, after all. (laughs) Niles: So many questions, of so little interest. Lilith: Frasier didn't tell me you were in town. Niles: Well, he doesn't know everything, does he? Woody: Here you go. (hands him the ice) Niles: (to Lilith) Goodbye. (goes back to Daphne) This should help. Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. I haven't had a throbbing like this since...Ooh! Niles: It's ok, Daphne. Here, rest your head in my lap. Daphne: You're so kind to me. (lays her head in his lap) Did you find out where we are? Niles: Frasier's old bar. Daphne: How did we get here? Niles: Not to alarm you, Daphne, but we are about ten years in the past. Daphne: And this is Boston? Niles: Yes. Daphne: But weren't we in Laverne and Shirley's apartment moments ago? Niles: (strokes Daphne's hair) You just relax. INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Day Laverne and Shirley are watching Niles and Daphne. Laverne: We've got to get them back home. (looks at the remote) What button do I push? Shirley: Try "stop". Laverne: Ok. (presses the "stop" button) Niles and Daphne appear on the couch. Daphne still has her head on his lap. Lenny and Squiggy aren't in the room. Laverne: (cont'd) How'd you know that? Shirley: I guessed. Laverne: Then why can't you guess the winning horse in a race? Shirley: You know how I feel about that, Laverne. Laverne: I know, I know. Shirley: Those poor things - when they get older, they're retired and made into glue. Laverne: We know that, Shirl. (looks around) Where's Lenny and Squiggy? Shirley: Carmine, did you see them leave? Carmine: No. They disappeared when...uh-oh. Laverne looks into the television set and her eyes bug out. Laverne: There they are! Shirley/Carmine: Where? They huddle close. Carmine: Turn the channel. Laverne: But... Carmine: Just do it, ok? Niles: (stroking Daphne's hair) How long do you think this will take? Daphne: (lifting her head with relief) It's gone. Niles: (putting her head back down) Let's not take any chances. Laverne turns the channel to "Frasier". Lenny and Squiggy appear on "Frasier" with Diane and Carla. Carmine: See? Laverne: Yeah, they're on that channel now. Carmine: If you get too close to the TV, then you'll get sucked in, but if you step back, you're safe. I noticed Lenny and Squiggy right up at the TV when you pressed "stop". Laverne: I didn't see anything. Carmine: Give me the remote. Laverne: No. Carmine: Laverne, I need to go into the TV and get them back. Shirley: What about them? (looks at a content Niles holding Daphne) Carmine: They can come along. Niles: I think we'll wait this one out. Daphne: Dr. Crane... Niles: Yes, Daphne? Daphne: Let me up. Niles: Ok, but I think you need more rest. Daphne: I know you're thinking of me, and that's very sweet, but I know when I feel good. Besides, your father will kill me if I don't have dinner on the table. Laverne: (hands him the remote) Here. Carmine takes Niles and Daphne and presses "stop". They disappear. INT. Frasier's Apartment - Day Frasier: (to Martin) Remember, Roz is coming over and she's very depressed... Niles, Daphne, and Carmine pop into the room, landing on the couch. Daphne is lying on top of Niles. Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. Did I hurt you? Niles: (giddy) No, I'm perfectly fine. (to Carmine) Can you rewind and pause? Carmine shrugs. Frasier: Niles, where did you come from? Niles: Um, I've been here? Daphne: Uh, Dr. Crane, I was wondering if you could help me with some wallpaper ideas...in my room...again. Niles: (lights up from excitement) Oh, yes. Daphne: I can't decide. Niles follows Daphne to her room. Frasier: What's wrong with those two? (finally notices Carmine) Who are you? Carmine: I'm here to offer free dance lessons. (tap dances) Doorbell sounds. Frasier: For God sakes! That's probably Roz. (to Carmine) Stop dancing, the woman is depressed! Carmine stops. Frasier opens the door Roz: (starting to cry) Oh, Frasier - he's.... (sees Carmine) HERE! Oh my God! (let's go of Frasier and runs to Carmine) Frasier: You know him? Roz: Of course! It's Carmine!!! I can't believe you got him for me. Frasier: Surprise. Roz: (runs over and hugs Frasier) Thank you! Carmine: Listen, uh, I can't stay. Roz: You're not going anywhere. Scene 6 INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment Laverne: Ok, we were able to get the boys back and those other people out of our house... Shirley: Carmine. Laverne: Uh, Shirley. You shouldn't be watching this. Shirley: Laverne, that woman is breaking the number one rule. Laverne/Shirley: Never touch Carmine. Laverne: I know, I know. Shirley: You've got to bring him back, Laverne. Laverne: I can't. He's got the little box thingy. INT. Frasier's Living room Roz grabs Carmine. Roz: I really can't stay now. Carmine is taking me out to dinner tonight. INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment Shirley: (yells at the TV) TOMMY ROT! Laverne: Calm down, Shirl - I'll think of something. Shirley: You've got to get me in there so I can bring Carmine back, and to think I was considering being her friend. Laverne: (face lights up) I've got it! Shirley: What? Laverne: Get in front of the TV. Shirley stepped in front of the television set. Shirley: I don't see what good this will do... (a strong current sucks her in) Laverne: (cheers) It worked! (sits down on the couch) I wish I had popcorn. INT. The Elevator Roz is all grins. Carmine: So, (nervously) where do you want to go? Roz: How about we skip dinner and go to my place? Carmine: You and me... (nervous laugh) Roz kisses him. Carmine: Did you say your place? The elevator door opened to reveal Shirley Feeney looking rather livid. Shirley: Carmine. Carmine: Angel face. Roz: Uh-oh. Shirley: What are you doing with her? Carmine: It's not what you think. Shirley: Carmine, you were going on a date! Carmine: We can see other people, right? Shirley: Not if the other one knows about it. Carmine: Angel face... Roz: I'm going home. Carmine: You don't have to go. Roz: Believe me, I've seen this movie before and I know how it ends. (gets out of the elevator) Go back to your world. You're not ready for me yet. Roz leaves. Shirley: Why don't you go after her, Carmine? It's what you want, isn’t it? Carmine: Not exactly. Shirley: Then enlighten me. What is it that you want? Carmine: I want someone warm, sweet, caring; beautiful blue eyes; apple cheeks... Shirley: She was completely wrong for... (looks at Carmine) Apple cheeks? (touches her face) Carmine: It's you, Shirley. I didn't want to go with that other girl. Shirley: Because you still love me? Carmine: Yeah, and she scared me. Shirley: Oh, Carmine. I love you, too. Carmine: You love me? Shirley: Of course I do. I suppose it was jealousy that brought me here. Carmine: Yeah? Shirley: Ye- Carmine reaches for Shirley and kisses her, gently. A bright light appeared and before they finished their kiss, both were snuggling on a well-known couch. Carmine: We're back. Shirley: Carmine, do you think our love brought us here? Laverne popped out from behind the couch. Laverne: Nah. We just replaced the batteries. Shirley: Laverne, we were having a moment here. Did you have to ruin it? Laverne: Sorry. I'll leave you two alone. Shirley: But the moment is gone now. Carmine: I think I better go. Shirley: That's a good idea, sweetheart. Carmine goes to kiss Shirley but is instead given a quick hand shake. He leaves. Shirley: Do you see what you've done? Laverne: I said I was sorry, what more do you want? Shirley: How about that TV Wonder... Laverne: (laughs nervously) Funny you should mention that. Shirley: Where is it, Laverne? Laverne: Lenny and Squiggy took it to their apartment and gave it a bath. Shirley: They what? Laverne: I told them to clean up the mess they caused so they ran out with the box; Simple misunderstanding. Shirley: Do you realize we could have been rich?! Laverne: Look, Shirl....Boo Boo Kitty! Shirley: (looks around) Where, I missed her. Laverne runs out of the apartment. Shirley: (cont'd) I don't see... (turns back around) LAVERNE! (runs out after her) THE END