What popular culture today expounds as being one of the greatest things one can experience in life is love. This can be found in the plot of almost every movie, book, or song. As well, it seems to be the constant focus of many people's lives: how to find greater love and fulfillment. An example that seems to manifest itself in everyone's life is the motto "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." We seem to live our lives by this phrase trying to find the perfect love. The problem with this is that most people do not have an accurate view of what the nature of love really is. Most people view it as the feelings of adoration for someone or the sensation one gets when seeing a member of the opposite sex. The actuality of love is that it is more than a feeling or a sensation. Love is driven by a desire to please, serve and fulfill followed by the action of loving. It can be expressed mathematically as the following:
Notice from this equation that if either variable, desire or action, are missing love equals zero. Thus, desire alone or action alone creates a false sense of love. From this equation we shall discuss the implications of missing desire or action.
Love Without Action
Love without action is probably one of the most common alterations of love that people misinterpret to be love. Many young people are subject to the thought that because they feel great warmth in their heart that they must love a person considerably. In actuality they have only a desire for this person, they have affection for the person. These are emotions though, they are missing the element of action to truly make them love. As in the Bible when James declares that “faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by actions, is dead” so it is that when love is unaccompanied by action it too is dead.
Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, tells a story of a gentleman who asked him for advice on his marriage because he wasn't in love with his wife anymore. Covey responded simply by saying, "Love her." The frustrated man continued, saying that Covey didn't understand, the feeling of love wasn't there anymore, he didn't love her. Covey continued and said, "Love her." The man pointedly asked Covey how it is possible to love someone that you don't love; to which Covey responded: "My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is the fruit of love the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her."
This story shows one of many people who have found, disheartedly, that they don't love the person they are with anymore. In actuality they have focused on love the emotion, the desire aspect of love, and have thus created a non-loving environment by eliminating half of the equation. John Gray shares in his book of a couple with a similar problem: "For two years our marriage was perfect. Then we fell out of love; the romance was gone." The problem with this marriage, as with the one mentioned in Covey's book, is not because of the lack of emotion but instead because of a faulty definition of love.
What arises next is an explanation of what the various actions of love are. The definition of what these behaviors are change from source to source, but a common ground can be found. As mentioned before, Covey found that they are serving, sacrificing, listening, empathizing, appreciating, and affirming. Dr. John Gray finds the actions to be caring, understanding, respecting, appreciating, accepting and trusting. In the Bible we find that the actions of love in the following popular Corinthian's verses: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Thus the actions of love are consistently giving, they are never self focused, and seem to place a high emphasis of an understanding of the other person as opposed to merely focusing on how the person makes one feel.
Now that we have discussed the condition of love without action and what the actions of love are, we move on to the discussion of love without desire.
Love Without Desire
It is very rare when one will find someone who will claim to love with only action, nonetheless it is important to discuss so that we may get a complete picture as to the true nature of love. It is first necessary to identify what this desire is.
The term "desire" can be very misleading. Desire implies emotion, when in fact this variable in the equation is not completely dependent on emotion. The type of desire that is created is dependent on the type of love being expressed. This desire can be emotion, but as well it is also expressed as a need or a want. What the different desires are for each type of love shall be explained in more detail later.
The most accurate view of love without desire can be termed goodwill. In referring to goodwill I am not referring to the Aristotelian view of goodwill being a desire for the betterment of the person, but in reference to the actions put forth in regards to goodwill. In this action a person may honor someone, cherish them, respect them, say that they love them but in actuality have no desire for them. They want nothing, need nothing, and have no emotion for the person. An example of this misuse of love would can be seen in a spectator of a sport. At a track meet for instance one may say, "I love that runner" even though they have never seen the runner before. They honor the runner by rooting for him, they respect the runner if he loses, they cheer with the runner if he wins, but they have no desire for the runner. They expect nothing from the runner, they want nothing and truly feel no loving feelings for the runner.
Love without desire, as said previously, is not a common occurrence. Usually we will refuse to say the word "love" unless we have the feeling. Most people will quickly retort anyone who says that love is a verb by saying that love isn't action alone. "Just because you are kind to a person doesn't mean that you love them." This is very true. Love isn't merely an action, but a desire with action.
Having discussed loved without action and love without desire we now move on to a discussion of love with action and desire as it relates to various types of love. The ones that shall be discussed are parent to child, child to parent, friendly, and romantic love.
Parent to Child Love
From the moment of conception a mother seems to love her child. It seems that this love also extends this far for the father as well, though it can be claimed that because the woman has the child as part of her being for nine months that she feels more of a bond between herself and the child than the father does.
The love of a mother and father for a child is a very active, moving love. It has to be changing because of the constant growing of the child. The love of a parent never decreases though, it remains constant in its intensity while changing in form.
When children are young parents are drawn to their insecurity and the need that the child has for them. The desire of the parents is found in the fact that the child needs them for everything, including their own survival. They love the child because of the child’s need for them. Out of this desire they perform the actions of love, which include feeding, caring for, nurturing, bathing, and cleaning up after the child. The child is completely dependent on the parents, and the love is based on this need.
As the child grows he or she begins to want his or her own independence. This battle will usually begin around the age of two when the child wants to pick out their own clothes to wear, and rages on until the child leaves home. The love that is given in this stage can become a battle if the parents are not willing to admit that their child isn’t the helpless being they once were, but growing up to have their own thoughts and desires. The desire of the parent is to see the child grow up as healthy as possible. They want to see their children becoming responsible adults. At the same time parents try to avoid conflicts. The sound of a whiny three-year-old or of a sixteen-year-old who “knows it all” can sometimes make the part lean into the child’s desires instead of what the parent knows to be best. This is natural, and caused by the fact that a parent, out of their love, hates to see their child hurt. Giving in shouldn’t be a regular incident though. A child who is given everything they could possibly want will soon find that they are lacking in the one thing that they need: discipline. Out of the parents desire to have responsible children they must be willing to perform the action of discipline. Sometime love is soft and gives in to the child’s wishes; other times it must be forceful and set down the rules. The younger the child is the more restraints there need to be, as the child grows older and closer to becoming a mature adult they must be allowed to make their own decisions to prepare themselves more fully for maturity.
Once a child is grown does not mean that the parent stops loving their offspring. For one never stops being a parent. When a child is out of the house and living on their own one of two things tends to happen. Either the parent feels the inexplicable joy of being able to focus their life once more on themselves instead of continually giving to their child, or they will continue to try to become the authority figure in their children’s life. At this stage of life, and for the rest of their lives, adult children need encouragement and support from their parents, not discipline. At this stage in their life all a parent can give a child is love. As Kahlil Gibran says in his book The Prophet, “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” The most that one can give adult children is to give them a single moment: this moment. Instead of trying to mold adult children into the idea the parent has set for the child, it is necessary to find out who they are. The child is only like the parent in the respect that they come from the same gene pool. It is necessary for the parent to treat the adult child as almost a stranger, and get to know them for the first time in order to be able to support them. This is the action of love that a parent shows to their adult children.
Child to Parent Love
A child will never love a parent as much or as long as the parent has loved them. For a parent loves the child even before birth, while the child cannot begin to love until they have a self awareness of who they are and the circumstances of which they find themselves. When they are finally capable of loving, “the love of children for their parents… implies a relation to an object that is good and superior to oneself.” The love for a parent is based on the fact that the parents are the origin from which they arose. Thus the primary desire of a child is to please a parent because they have given them life. As the child grows the desire to find out who they are, they are in conflict with the desire to please their parents. This is the same point, at which the parent is struggling between disciplining their child and letting them go. Conflicts tend to rise between the two, but these conflicts are only caused because they of the love they each have for each other. Eventually though, the child realizes that they are able to honor their parents and respect them as their parentage without having to obey the commands that they give. Thus the essence of the love that a child has for his parents has the desire to please the parents because they are the source of origin and they action of honoring the parents because of their desire.
Friendly Love
The love between friends can be one of the most rewarding types of love. Aristotle says that there are three different types of friendship. They are that of utility, pleasure, and goodness. Just as there are three types of friendship an analysis of each type of love related to the different types of friendship is necessary.
The first type of friendship we shall deal with is that based on utility. A utility friendship occurs when one, or both, members of the friendship are friends with each other to satisfy their own wants. These wants can be associated with power, status, money, or any variety of material things. This type of friendship occurs a lot in business relationships. Men of low standing will “befriend” those of higher position in order to become themselves more powerful. Other instances, ones more popular, can be seen in the relationships between those who are well off monetarily and those who are not. Their friendship is based usually on the poorer one becoming friendly with the richer in order to benefit from his comrade’s riches. The desire of the utility friendship is always to please oneself. The actions of love though, as we have discussed before, are not selfish. Thus, being that in this friendship there is no action that is being performed to increase the desire of friendship for the recipient, this cannot be considered love. The poor man who uses the rich for his status seeks only his own good and tries not to use any action to seek the other persons.
Friendships based on pleasure are very similar to that of utility. In both cases the friendship is a selfish act and thus can not be considered love according to the formula Love = [Desire][Action]. In friendships based on pleasure the persons in the friendship are mainly concerned that their own amusements or pleasures are fulfilled. These types of relationships occur most frequently with the younger generation. When teenagers, people tend to chose their friends on the basis of how their friends act, who is popular and if they are amusing or not. Most of the time in these sorts of relationships the people in the relationship never truly know their friends, but only know that their friends make them feel good. In relationships based on sexual pleasure the recipients are even guiltier of not knowing each other. These people look for “instant intimacy” with someone by having sex with them, instead of being the fulfillment of the intimate relationship that they already have.
The last type of friendship is that which is based on the mutual good of the other person. In these types of relationships the persons involved make an effort to know the person on an intimate level. This is not a sexual intimacy, but one of vulnerability. They are willing to share with each other who they are. The desire of people in these relationships in for the good of their friends , not of themselves. The actions of love are that of support and caring. When people are involved in friendships based on the good of the other person they realize that it is better to give love than to receive it. This is contrary to our human nature, in which we wish to get as much as we can. True friendly love lies in the desire of what is best for the other, not what is best for ourselves.
Romantic Love
The most popular form of love is romantic. It’s called a mystery and a fantasy, some wonder if it can truly exist, others wonder how it cannot. Unfortunately, what most people think of when they think of romantic love, is the emotions that are generated. They think of the desire aspect of romantic love. Too often people believe that once they find romantic love they will live “happily ever after.” They think that if they find true love they will be in a state of eternal bliss for the rest of their lives. This simply isn’t so. Marriage is not eternal bliss. A wife can be upset with her husband, can express feelings of frustration and remorse and yet still love her husband. Love doesn’t require someone to always be happy with what the other person says or does, what it does require is that you still accept, honor, be patient with the one you love. Acceptance, honor and patience are actions of love.
When first realizing that one possesses the desire of love, that they are what is termed “in love” with a person, they wish for this state to last forever. As a sign of this desire many people will engage to marry. This marriage consummates their love for each other. After every honeymoon comes a marriage. Many people discover 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, or even 25 years later the electric charge they once felt at touching their wife or husband is gone. They naturally assume that because they feel no emotion they must not be in love. This simply isn’t so. The reason they no longer feel “in love” is because the emotion of love has ceased, most likely due to the fact that the actions of love where never present to begin with. Being married to someone who doesn’t perform the actions of love isn’t a marriage, it’s a living arrangement.
Having discussed the various types of love and what the desires and actions are for each, it is necessary to recall what the essence of love is as stated in the beginning. Love is the product of action and desire. Desire is emotional drive, but as well can be based on want or need (as is the case with friendships based on utility). Action is the physical things we do for a person to show our love. A love without desire or action isn’t love at all. The formula for love can be summed up as follows: