THE FELLIP NECTAR STAND Edition 2.1: KFC’s
11 Secret Ingredients
Author: LeatherGirl
Disclaimer: I do not
own Farscape or anything associated with Farscape. And especially not KFC.
Author’s Note: As usual, our favorite Farscape heroes are at the Fellip Nectar Stand drinking the day away. ENJOY!
*****
Aeryn: [Peers at John in an odd way.] “K…F…C?”
John: [Sips heavily from his flask and turns to look at Aeryn.] “Kentucky…Fried…Chicken.”
Rygel: [Spits in disgust.] “Fried what?”
Chiana: “And we’re supposed to know what that is?”
D’Argo: “Obviously another human custom we shouldn’t bother wasting our time on.”
Zhaan: [Waves hand at impatience of D’Argo.] “I’m quite intrigued by this, this chicken you speak of. You’ve mentioned it before. What exactly is it?”
John: [Pauses to look at his shipmates with a mix of impatience and bewilderment.] “Man, you guys are worse than some of the people on Earth.”
Pilot: [Shakes head.] “What are the 11 components?”
John: [Turns to look at Pilot who is seated next to him at the booth.] “Ingredients, Pilot. INGREDIENTS. It’s what makes the stuff so special. Different from other chicken. Though if you ask me, it all tastes the same.” [Laughs at own joke and looks around to see, of course, no one in his company could ever even begin to understand. John smiles.] “Yeah, 11 ingredients. Starting with these tiny golden flecks of spices.”
Rygel: [Ears perk and he leans in with interest.] “A valuable mineral, I presume?”
Aeryn: “Why would anyone put minerals in their food?” [Speaks as if the thought is completely off the wall. She then orders another round of Fellip Nectar for the crew.]
John: “Then they mix in a special herb called catnip. Adds a little zing.” [Stifles a laugh and hides his smile by drinking from his flask. His crewmates are all now leaning forward in interest.]
Zhaan: [Smiles.] “Ah yes, an herb always adds a beautiful touch.”
Chiana: “Catnip? Sounds kinda fun.” [Lets out a laugh.]
John: “Oh, I’m sure you would enjoy it Chi, just you’re kinda drug.”
D’Argo: “Drug? They put drugs in it? How in hezmana can anyone possibly want to eat something like that?” [Snarls in disgust at the thought.]
John: [Sighs and begins to choose the ingredients a little more carefully.] “Hmmm. Let’s see, the next ingredient must be…oh yes. Chili Pepper.” [Licks lips as the savoring flavor he misses so dearly comes back to taunt his taste buds.]
Zhaan: “Chili Pepper. Hmm. Another herb?” [Cocks head in question.]
Aeryn: [Drinks more of her drink.] “What can we possibly gain from this conversation? Shouldn’t we be worrying more about how we’re going to free Jothee?”
D’Argo: [Side glances to Aeryn before training his curious gaze back to the human.] “Jothee isn’t going anywhere. He’s a big boy. Now tell me John, does this chicken have any nutritional value? What is its real purpose?” [Thinks there is more to this KFC than John is leading them on to.]
John: [Snorts in laughter.] “Aeryn, we’ve got time to relax. D’Argo, you surprise me every passing day. I never knew you could be so interested in food.”
Rygel: [Slams fist onto table impatiently gaining everyone’s attention.] “Quiet! I must know of these 11 ingredients to create this chicken!”
John: “In due time, Rygel. Next up, we throw in some Styrofoam peanuts to mellow the Chili Pepper.”
Chiana: “I usually have no problems with your language. I didn’t understand a frelling word of what you just said!” [The other crewmates shook their heads in agreement.]
John: “Sorry. Let’s see. Where are we? Oh yeah, Love Potion Number 9.”
Zhaan: [Frowns.] “You seemed to have missed a few ingredients. We only have the first four.” [Pilot nods in agreement and John notices a DRD nearby.]
John: “Pilot, are you recording us?” [Peers curiously at the DRD.]
Pilot: “I need these ingredients. Please continue!” [Demands impatiently.]
John: [Laughs to himself as he has more fun with this.] “Love Potion Number 9. Very delicate stuff.” [Leans closer to Aeryn, nearly gracing her face with his own.] “Very delicate.” [The two stare into each other’s eyes and almost kiss when someone clears his throat. The two lean away in embarrassment.] “Right. Ah, then there’s…there’s milk! They put milk in the batter.”
Rygel: [Turns lips in disgust.] “Raw fluid from a hideous grazing creature? I hope we are not speaking of the same thing.”
John: “Not possible, Ryge. Just go with it. Lucky item number seven is a touch of Worcestershire sauce.”
D’Argo: “Wortchestsure? What the frell is that?” [Drinks from his flask and frowns at John. For the amount of alcohol they have drunk, D’Argo seems to have no problem articulating the confusing word.]
John: “Trust me…great stuff. You’d probably like it, D’Argo. Next, they add a dash of fairy dust.”
Aeryn: “You’re fahrbot.” [Sighs and leans back.]
John: “Only the creators of KFC, my dear. Eighth ingredient is most definitely crunched Doritos. Cheesy Doritos.”
Chiana: [Chuckles.] “Doreetoes! I like that word!” Doreetoes!” [Gets a look from Zhaan.]
John: “Then they throw in a vat of lard.” [Smiles at the thought of the disgusting list he has come up with so far.]
Pilot: “Lard. Sounds familiar.”
John: “I’m sure you have it out here in the Uncharteds. There’s no doubt.” [Places hands behind head as he looks at his shipmates. He has all of them wrapped around his finger with this tale. Even Aeryn.]
Aeryn: “What’s the last ingredient? And how the frell could you possibly make this KFC out here when all those ingredients are only found on your home world?”
John: “I don’t. The last ingredient is very special. Very top secret. Hard to find. Nobody knows about it but the government.”
Chiana: “What is it? Tell us!” [Growing excited.]
[John leans forward to exaggerate his act.]
John: [Glances around and crew mimics him. He replies in a low whisper.] “The egg.” [John tucks lower lip under his front teeth and leans back with a large satisfying smile. The crew is still leaned forward.]
Rygel: “An egg.”
Chiana: “That’s it?”
Aeryn: “Maybe we should have Zhaan look at your brain.”
D’Argo: “That’s so simple!”
Pilot: “How can your planet function? Eggs are the most versatile objects in this universe!”
John: [Cocks head slightly and shrugs.] “Take it or leave it.”
[Crew remains silent for quite a while until Rygel perks up with another question.]
Rygel: “What is Kentucky?”
John [Laughs and starts to get up from the booth.] “I think I better just go now.”
Aeryn: [Grabs his arm and he sits back down to look at her in question.] “You’re staying right here.”
John: “I really should go. You guys look like you could use a break from me.” [Tries to stifle a laugh as he looks at the confusion still spread on his shipmates’ faces.]
Zhaan: “Why do you like this chicken, Crichton? Is it a special tradition? Something you share with family?”
John: [Pauses before answering and leans forward towards Zhaan with his fingers folded into each other. His expression is dead serious.] “Are you crazy? I’d never touch the stuff. Mom’s home cooking is the only food for me!” [Zhaan frowns and John stands up and moves over to the bar.]
[Puzzled, shipmates glance back and forth at each other.]
Chiana: “He wasn’t kidding, was he?”
D’Argo: “Wortchestsure? I know I’ve heard of that somewhere.” [Still caught up in the thoughts of KFC.]
Zhaan: “Another Crichtonism I presume.”
Aeryn: “If only we had another of his species to compare him to. Then we’d know for sure if he’s gone completely fahrbot!”
Rygel: “Yes, completely fahrbot!” [Busily reviews the holo disc with Pilot from the DRD that had been recording the entire conversation.]
[John sits down at the bar and smiles briefly at the Bartender. Bartender leans onto bar and looks at John sideways.]
Bartender: “KFC, huh?”
John: [Leans forward and smiles even larger.] “I know all 11 ingredients….”
*****
That’s it for this week’s edition of the Fellip Nectar
Stand. Hope you enjoyed it! I loved that line in the first Liars, Guns,
and Money episode so I just had to use that somehow!
Unfortunately, I will not be able to post the Fellip Nectar Stand probably
until February due to moving across the country and settling in for starting
school. All over again. You’d think I’d be sick of it by now. Well, I am!
But, the more education, the better, right? Anyway, there will be “re-runs”
for you to read until the next new edition is posted. Actually, you’ll just be directed to the Edition Archive to read
whatever edition you wish. There are
some wild ones in there! So check them
out and enjoy a flask of Fellip Nectar.
You never know who’s going to show up next!!! :)
Bye for now and thank you to all the loyal readers out there…somewhere in the universe!
[Quick shameless plug: Enter your fanfics into the Farscape FanFic Awards…the deadline is only two weeks away!