THE FELLIP NECTAR STAND Edition 2

THE FELLIP NECTAR STAND Edition 2.7: Self Inflicted Humor

Author: LeatherGirl

Disclaimer: I do not own Farscape, Jim Henson Productions, Channel Nine, or any other huge companies that will earn more money in a year than I probably will in a lifetime!

Author’s Note: This edition is the 30^th edition of the Fellip Nectar Stand Editions. It all started in the end of October 2000 and exploded into a rioting comedic fest in the middle of the UT where enemies and friends alike just come to relax and have a frellingtastic time! Ah, the memories. Scorpius and Crais chasing after Ben Browder and John Crichton, Chiana and D’Argo in the Storage Facility, the 11 secret ingredients of KFC revealed…so many good times!

*****

[Seated at the bar, John and Rygel are enjoying their flasks of Fellip Nectar and some well-deserved time away from the rest of the crew and Moya. Even though things are hectic and deadly as usual, they have found time to slip away and relax.]

John: [Looks slyly over to Rygel with a peculiar smile on his face.] “Hey, Buckwheat.”

Rygel: [Grunts] “What do you want?”

[Without warning John slaps his own face several times and makes strange whooping noises. Rygel fears for his life and begins to back away quickly. John reaches out with two fingers and nearly pokes Rygel’s eyes out. Rygel, scared drenless, teeters off of his throne sled and plops onto the floor. The aliens surrounding them begin to laugh. John laughs as well and continues to drink while Rygel climbs up the bar stool and back into his throne sled with anger.]

Rygel: “What the frell was that for?!”

John: “The Three Stooges, Ryge. Haven’t…oh yeah. They were this comedic act on Earth.”

Rygel: “I’m not laughing.”

John: [Listening to the aliens still laughing. Nods head towards them.] “They are.”

[Rygel spies a look on John’s face that he does not want to see. John has an idea.]

John: “Come on, Rygel. You’ll have fun. You know, fun? Something where you let loose and go crazy. All for a good laugh?”

Rygel: “Ha! You should be an expert on that by now. All your frelling Earth sayings and constant abuse towards me. I just have to look at you and I get a good laugh!” [To demonstrate his point, Rygel pauses, stares at the human and bursts out laughing, nearly spilling his Fellip Nectar.]

John: “Rygel, have another Fellip Nectar, on me.” [John orders more drinks.] “You look like you could use a drink…a whole vat actually.”

Rygel: “Bring it on!” [Continues laughing.]

[Two arns pass. Because it is the end of the weeken in the UT, a lot of aliens and dangerous criminals needing to relax and have a drink are gathered at the stand. John and Rygel are laughing at each other, John holding Rygel on the shoulder and bent over and Rygel hovering in his throne sled. They are stationed on a temporary stage made from several flattened drunks lying on the ground. A small crowd of curious aliens has gathered and are laughing at nearly everything the two do.]

Rygel: [Seriously.] “I was frelling stuck. My Hynerian servants had left for the evening and my throne sled was half way across the room. It hurt like Hezmana and I had to pee.”

John: “Rygel, how the frell did you get stuck in a container of Hynerian modules in the first place?”

Rygel: “I saw something shiny in there. I thought it was a jewel.”

John: “Well what was it?”

Rygel: [Shouts and laughs as he finishes his story.] “A crystal Spider Berong. I was bitten over fifty times!”

[Laughter explodes into the stand from the audience. John and Rygel laugh as well and John grabs for Rygel’s ears and tugs them, making a “nyuk, nyuk, nyuk” sound. (He doesn’t have much of a nose mind you!) Rygel in turn slaps the human up side the back of his head. John falls onto his eema and Rygel nearly loses his balance as well. The laughter gets even louder. By now, the two comedians have discovered that self inflicted pain makes the audience laugh so hard they cry.]

John: “No one can top this, Ryge. Really. Humans are good at frelling up big time. Let me tell you of the time I almost bit the dust.”

Rygel: “Bite dust? If starving ever came to that, I’d have to eat myself!”

[More laughter, the stand nearly begins to shake from all the moving bodies. Some aliens are actually rolling on the floor now.]

John: “I was stoned.” [Laughs at the many meanings to the phrase.] “Well, a statue. Frelling hard as a rock. But I could hear and see everything. Next thing I know, someone chops off my head and throws it into a vat of acid. Let me tell you, swimming in boiling hot acid with only your ears to navigate you through is not a day at the beach! So here I am with the heat from the acid biting at my face and no where to go but down. Guess who comes to rescue me. Guess!”

Rygel: “Aeryn?” [Laughs throatily.]

John: “Scorpius!”

[Crowd bursts into laughter. Everyone in the UT knows Scorpius wouldn’t save his own left arm if death came to that.]

Rygel: “What happens next?”

John: [Nonchalantly.] “Someone else comes along, kicks his eema, and takes my head. Fortunately, I get my body back and get to have a little fun with my rescuer.”

Rygel: “Aeryn?”

John: [Embarrassed.] “That’s not the point. The point is, my rescuer screwed my head on the RIGHT way and here I am today, ready to face another death-defying act in the good old UT.” [Bows for the crowd.]

Rygel: [Suddenly with alarm.] “Look out!”

[Without hesitation, John makes a mad dash for the floor, covering his head with his arms. The growing audience laughs even harder. One alien is gasping for air and holding his bulging, jiggling belly.]

Rygel: “And he says humans are superior!” [Chuckles, slapping his throne sled with his left hand.]

John: [Brushing off himself and standing back on the drunken alien stage.] “Hey, one can never be too careful.” [Slaps Rygel up side the head twice. Rygel falls off his throne sled and tumbles onto the floor in surprise. The crowd’s laughter is almost deafening now. John takes a drink of some Fellip Nectar from a passing waitress’ serving plate and scans the crowd. He has never seen a more diverse audience in his entire stay in the UT. Or on Earth for that matter.]

Rygel: [Slumps back onto his throne sled with a grumble.] “One last joke for the road, what do you say? After all, we’ve got to get back to Moya in time to see whether or not the wormholes we’re stuck in are going to frell us over or not. And what’s with those aliens anyway? They could have at least tried to steer in another direction. Advanced technology and they don’t even know how to fly a space ship!”

John: [Laughing.] “I guess you’re right, Sparky. Let’s give ‘em one lasting impression they’ll never forget!”

Rygel: [Looks to John with a sly smile.] “Hehehe. Are you thinking the same thing I am?”

John: [Pauses for a moment.] “God, I hope not! If I had to spend a solar day in your body again, I think I’d stuff myself into an air lock!”

[Rygel frowns and then looks to John. They nod to each other and look at the continuously laughing crowd. The constant drinking is more of a factor than John and Rygel’s comedy act, they realize.]

John: [John speaks in a loud voice and walks around Rygel, scanning the crowd with his eyes.] “Hey Rygel. Want to have a look at my Pulse Pistol, it’s not working.”

Rygel: [In slightly louder voice.] “Why sure. I’m an expert in Pulse Technology.”

John: [Drops gun in Rygel’s lap.] “Here you go, slug face!”

Rygel: [Eyes widen.] “It’s going to blow!”

John: “What? Run for your lives!”

[The aliens in the bar look at each other frantically and make a mad dash for the door. Half of them get caught trying to pass through at the same time, their varying anatomies mangled in one hell of a rats nest (as Jack Crichton would say). A large poof of sparks and smoke light up the stage. The drunken aliens beneath are already passed out so they are not affected. The smoke clears and John and Rygel are standing on stage, laughing until tears streaming down their faces.]

John: “I…I thought we’d never get rid of them!” [Laughs and gasps for air in between.]

Rygel: [Falls off of throne sled once again.] “Hahaha! We did it! We got the stand all to ourselves! Bartender, more Fellip Nectar!”

John: [Tries to keep a straight face.] “The bartender’s gone, Ryge. The entire bar is ours!” [They laugh and see that true, the bar is completely empty with hanging lights still swinging and the taps still flowing. John stands up and tries to put on a straight face.] “Hey Rygel, you better step away from your floatation device. I’m going to have to see some ID. You’ve been falling off that thing all night.”

Rygel: [Confused but too drunk to care.] “Tell you what, let’s trade places.”

John: “Great, I’ll take the throne sled, you walk. Can you walk in a straight line?”

Rygel: “Can you fit into my throne sled?”

[The two face each other and burst out laughing even harder than before. They roll onto the floor. In fact, they laugh themselves to sleep and the stand is quiet for one rare moment. A small squeal from Rygel’s behind disturbs the silence as the camera zooms out of the stand and the scene fades to black.]

*****

Whew! They laughed so hard they gave me a headache. I think the bartender better watch those two next time they’re at the stand. That Fellip Nectar can really get to your head. Here’s hoping that tonight, the Farscape crew doesn’t have to loose another one of their own with Death traveling with them wherever they go. If anything should happen, it’d probably happen to one of those aliens or maybe a DRD or maybe even not ever really happen. Who knows but the writers of Farscape!