THE FELLIP NECTAR STAND Edition 2

THE FELLIP NECTAR STAND Edition 2.8: Mr. Wiggles and the Federation Starship S. S. Butt Crack

Author: LeatherGirl

Disclaimer: I do not own Farscape or anything associated with Farscape and sorry guys, but I just have to borrow your quotes!

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John: [The child version of John is seated in a cushioned swivel chair on a ship that slightly resembles a cardboard box playhouse. His voice has not yet endured puberty.] “Captain’s Log, delpha six niner six niner. We have encountered the ring of unstable wormholes and have located Mr. Wiggles. Attempt to intercept at eleven hundred microts.”

Aeryn: [Standing at attention nearby in a sexy outfit that looks ridiculous on the adolescent child. She is standing on a crate.] “The enemy has not responded, captain.”

[Cardboard doors slide open jerkily and the great Luxan warrior steps into the room. Unfortunately, he is not a hair over one metra and the extremely heavy Qualta Blade in his arms is dragging on the ground behind him. His voice is also high and squeaky.] “Captain! I demand you let me go after Mr. Wiggles! I know I can defeat him!”

John: [Turns in his swivel chair and accidentally goes around in a spiraling circle twice. Shakes head and tries to look straight at D’Argo through his dizziness.] “No! I can’t risk your lives for something I alone am responsible for.” [Stands and tries to puff out his chest.] “I’m going after Mr. Wiggles…alone.”

[Aeryn and D’Argo look to each other and join together and face John.]

Aeryn: “Sir, we’re all going together. No matter what you say!”

John: [Smiles and pats his friends on the shoulder.] “Fine. We’ll all go together. Come, let me show you my grand master plan.”

[All three walk over to the large cardboard radar control center where a young Stark with a mask too large for his glowing face sits drawing madly on some paper mats. A large box of Crayola crayons are spilled over the entire surface of the control center.]

John: “My drawing of Moya! What have you done to her?” [Screeches, grabbing the scribbled over drawing of his latest masterpiece.]

Stark: [Excitedly.] “Can’t you see? That’s Pilot. The alien that will fly her. It has four arms…for more efficiency!”

Aeryn: [Shakes head.] “Can we focus here? Mr. Wiggles is getting away. We have to move now!” [Grabs a pulse pistol from the holster on her leg. The weapon is larger than her head. Trying to be tough, Aeryn grins and bears the heavy weight of the weapon.]

John and D’Argo: “She’s right.” [Look to each other and laugh.]

John: “Jinx!”

[All three aliens around him look around nervously. John looks on in question, then realizes Jinx must have a totally different meaning in this part of the universe. He shakes his head.]

John: “Let’s go!”

[In a matter of microns, the crew of the cardboard ship are flying through space in a upright crate towards the swirling wormhole ring. (Which is actually a bunch of flashlights shining through a large aquarium onto a blank cardboard wall.) A small, ugly creature hovering on a floating device is laughing evilly throughout the wormhole, driving around like he is intoxicated.]

Aeryn: [Points.] “There he is! There’s Mr. Wiggles!”

John: “That’s Rygel, Aeryn.”

D’Argo: [Frantically pointing.] “No! Behind him! Behind him!” [Crew screams, grabbing onto the side of their ship in fright.]

John: “Hey wait a microt! You guys have weapons for crying out loud! Use them, will ya?”

[D’Argo and Aeryn look to each other and then hoist up those heavy weapons. Their ship falters with the weight and they jerkily aim for Mr. Wiggles, a huge worm-like sock puppet. Mr. Wiggle’s mouth is moving around and laughing as Rygel hovers in front of him, unaware of the dangers behind him.]

Stark: “Rygel! Move! MOVE!”

Rygel: [Now singing to himself the tune that plays when Jaws approaches some unsuspecting victim in the movies.] “Da…da. Da…da. Da…da.”

[D’Argo and Aeryn fire their weapons. Tiny bolts of yellow light flash towards Mr. Wiggles. Each bolt bounces off the walls of the swirling wormhole. Hey…they have plenty of cycles ahead to get better at their aim!]

Aeryn: “Who’s that?” [Points to a giggling figure settled on the back of Mr. Wiggles, riding him like a bull at a rodeo.]

John: [Through clenched teeth.] “Chiana! Chiana, what the frell are you doing here? I thought we told you to stay in your room on board!”

Chiana: [Shouts and laughs as the creature she is riding jerks her around.] “Are you kidding me? I was bored! I want to play too, you know!”

D’Argo: “We could have hit you! Get off that thing now!”

[Mr. Wiggles, as if in retaliation, bucks Chiana off and sends her flying onto Rygel’s back. Rygel’s throne sled dips and jives in every direction as MR. Wiggles roars in laguhter.]

John: “Chiana! Rygel! Hold on! I’m an expert pilot and wormhole navigator. I’ll save you!”

Aeryn: [Shoves John at the controls of the ship.] “No you aren’t! I am!” [They fight at the controls. D’Argo struggles to aim for Mr. Wiggles while Stark sits impatiently with his arms crossed.]

[Their ship finally swoops over to Chiana and Rygel and Stark pulls them aboard. The bottom of the ship sags under the weight. John shakes his head and throws Rygel’s throne sled over baord. The ship lightens up and hovers normally once again. Mr. Wiggles roars down at them. The crew rears back and swooshes the air with their hands.]

John: “Whoa! Somebody forgot to brush their teeth this morning!”

D’Argo: “John! We’ve got to do something!”

John: [Looks to D’Argo with disappointment.] “That’s captain to you!” [Shakes head and stands in ship. He faces Mr. Wiggles who is larger than life and peering down at them hungrily.] “This is the Federation Starship S. S. Butt Crack. Surrender now!” [And to demonstrate their seriousness, the crew stand, turn away and slap their eemas before Mr. Wiggles. They then turn back around and all sit except for John. He folds his arms across his chest and waits patiently. His eyes are nearly tearing from the stench of the creature’s breath.]

Chiana: [Stands but is held back by D’Argo.] “Let me at ‘im! I’ll show him who’s boss!”

Aeryn: “If anyone needs to show who’s boss, it’s me. I’m the toughest of you all! I can handle Mr. Wiggles!” [Stands and takes one whif of the creatures breath. She falls back into the ship, almost passing out from the stench.]

Stark: [Screeches.] “What do we do?”

Rygel: “We’re doomed!”

[All of the crew except for John scream. John rolls his eyes. He suddenly jumps up, does a summer-sault in the air like he saw a Jedi once do and lands on Mr. Wiggles back. The creature roars and whips its head back and forth while John clings on for dear life. His crew looks on in fear but then stands and cheers him on. John grabs onto the creature’s head and begins to scratch its head. The creature silences and begins to move with the scratching.]

Mr. Wiggles: “Ahhhhh! That’s it! Right there! Oh yeah!”

John: [Smiles.] “See? He just wanted a little attention, that’s all! Good boy!”

Aeryn: [Crosses her arms in anger.] “Sweet. Now can we please continue this and get to the point where D’Argo and I get to use our weapons?”

D’Argo: “Yeah, before playtime is over at least!”

[Just as John is about to jump off of Mr. Wiggles, a huge shaft of light breaks through the wall of the wormhole. A figure can be seen through the white mist and a voice calls out.]

The Voice: “John! John! JOHN!”

John: [Raises arms and shouts.] “WHAT?”

[Suddenly, all goes black.]

The Voice: “WAKE UP!”

[John opens his eyes to find he is drooling on the table of the booth he and his shipmates always sit at at the stand. Everyone is looking at him with bewildered expressions.]

John: [Straightens with embarrasment.] “I had a dream, that’s it! And you were there, and you were there…and even you were there!” [Points to his shipmates as he speaks. They just stare at him.]

Aeryn: “Who is Mr. Wiggles?”

Rygel: “The Federation Starship of S. S. Butt Crack?” [Snorts.]

John: “Wait a minute, who told you guys about that? Who’s voice woke me up?” [Confused.]

The Voice: [From behind John.] “I did.”

[John turns to see the aura of Zhaan smiling down at him. He looks to the others to see that they appear to not notice her.]

John: “Oh dren.”

*****

What a wild trip! Was he really dreaming or was he experiencing all that for real? Man, I tell ya, there’s GOT to be something in that alcohol. Just got to be! Another edition, another weeken. Can’t wait to see what’s next for the UT gang!