Author:
LeatherGirl
Disclaimer:
I do not own anything associated with Farscape nor the characters, the idea,
etc. etc. etc.
FNS
Regulars Info: http://www.oocities.org/fellipnectarstand/regulars.html
*****
Setting:
The Underground at the Stand –didn’t know there was one, did you?!
Characters:
Chiana, Jool, Rygel, and sarcastic narration by John
**
-----John: “You want dark and scary? I’ll give you dark and scary. Not the leather-clad rotten breathed loser
we all know as Scorpy, either. I’m
talking the legendary Underground of the Stand. Now that’s dark and scary!
You see our favorite snurchers were visiting the Stand one evening
drinking to their little hearts’ desires.
Well, Jool was there too, but more as a snurch-sitter than anything
else. The bartender approached the
three knowing they were bad for business and told them that I…me, superior
human…had lost my way down into the Underground. Of course, I hadn’t for I was on Moya doing much more enjoyable
things…and keep your mind outta the gutter!
Naturally, my fellow crewmates feared for my safety and came rushing to
my rescue. Well, at least they came rushing…when
the bartender mentioned the tale of the “Illusory Airlock”. What’s that you say? Never heard of it? Ha! Well, that’s what
we’re here for. The “Illusory Airlock”
was a supposed waste conduit in the back of the Stand that rather became a lost
and found. Er, well a lost
department…no one ever found their stuff and if they did examine the depths of
this airlock, they were never found themselves. This airlock is one of only two direct entrances to the
Underground. Wanna guess where the
second one is? Keep guessing. On with the story…my three crewmates
proceeded down into the dark depths of the creepy Underground….”
Jool: [Brushes off tough silky green cobwebs off
her clothing in disgust.] “Ugh! There
better not be a Haxan Spider in the vicinity of this web or we’re all dead!”
Chiana: [Squints eyes to adjust to the minute
darkness.] “Krell. Looks like we’re in some kind of cave
system…like a Budong.”
Rygel: [Nibbles on some fuzzy green morsels.] “Humph!
I’ve had my share of Budongs.
Let’s get the frell out of here.
If the human was stupid enough to get lost down here, then he’s surely
not survived by now. Don’t you realize
Ipa Wolves live down here???” [Glances
around nervously.]
-----John: “Gee, thanks Rygel.”
Jool: “All right, let’s get this over with. Which way do we go?” [The group stands before a fork in the
tunnel.]
Chiana: “This way.”
Rygel: “That way!”
[Two
stare at each other and Jool stands with her hands on her hips between them.]
Chiana: “I have a feeling!”
Rygel: “So do I.”
Jool: “That was your stomach, Rygel.”
[A
sudden shrieking echoes throughout the Underground, originating from BOTH
tunnels. Chiana, Rygel, and Jool move a
little closer to each other.]
Jool: [Lower lip quivering in fear.] “Frell!
Let’s go back before it’s too late!”
-----John: “What and leave without at least searching
for me? Am I never appreciated around
here? Back to the story…Jool and the
other two decided it would be best to stay together and they chose to take the
left tunnel. After all, they reasoned,
if you travel in circles, what better than to go from left to right? Yeah, uh huh. And they think I’m inferior.”
Rygel: [In strange voice.] “Does anyone else see those glowing eyes
down there? I swear I saw a pack of
them following us before.”
Chiana: “As long as we don’t acknowledge that they
are there, we’ll be fine.”
Jool: [Cocks head.] “Does anyone hear that dripping noise?” [A droplet of cool liquid strikes her face and she nearly
screams.]
Rygel: “We’re below the waste conduit, I think.”
[This
time, Jool screams a blood-curdling, metal-melting, ear-splitting scream. Chiana and Rygel cover their ears in
pain. Fortunately for them, the glowing
eye gang that had been following them the entire time quickly disperses.]
Jool: [Relaxes and notices a brighter blue light
at the end of the tunnel.]
“Hey…look! There’s something
down there.”
Rygel: “Maybe it’s the frelling human. His precious wormholes are blue, you
know. Maybe he’s found a way home. ‘Bout time if you ask me.”
Chiana: “Be careful what you wish for Frog
boy.” [Glances around nervously.] “I have a feeling we shouldn’t go down
there.”
Jool: “Why not?”
[Charges onward. Rygel follows
quickly. Grudgingly, Chiana follows as
well.]
-----John: “Wormhole?
I don’t think even Aeryn would go down into the Underground if there
were a whole drenload of PK weaponry there.
Now as I have mentioned before, these guys like to snurch things. Well, Jool, of course, isn’t much of a
snurcher…but she is curious. So, when
they approached a huge room, they discovered something so unimaginable, they
nearly fell to the floor with excitement.
Glowing in a blue luminance rested piles upon piles of lost glittering
treasures. Everything from ingots to
royal jewels, to even a golden food cube could be found within these
piles. My friends had struck it rich.”
Rygel: [Zooms up to a nearby pile and begins to
gather jewels into his throne sled.]
“Quick! Gather as much as you
can! We can have Moya bring a transport
pod around to the back entrance of the Stand.”
Jool: [Picks up a single ruby-colored trinket and
looks around in suspicion.] “I don’t
know. Something’s just not right….”
Chiana: “Relax princess! We’re frelling rich. You
can buy yourself some decent clothes now.”
[Digs around in another pile.]
Jool: [Ignores Chiana.] “Think about it, guys.
Why would there be a huge room full of treasures like this? Huh?
We should leave. Now.”
-----John: “Chiana should have seen it coming. As even Jool bent down to view a rather
shiny hairpin, a low growling noise forewarned a large creature approaching. Of course, only Jool heard it. She stiffened and slowly turned around. You know when you’re in a haunted house and
you scream and then everybody else does too?
Well, that’s exactly what happened when Jool screamed. Chiana and Rygel faced the creature Jool was
screaming at and it was your classic horror film. The dark, hairy, bug-eyed monster started crawling towards them
on all fourteen legs and my crewmates ran the heck out of Dodge. They didn’t get very far, either, because
the monster was smart enough to set booby traps for unlucky survivors escaping
its nest. The first of the traps was
the classic holo-chip simulated fake wall.
They made a sharp turn to the right to run down a slick dark tunnel and
slipped, save Rygel, of course. But
Jool grabbed onto His Flatulence and the three tumbled down into a large
maze. Just as they were recovering from
the fall, a shower of meteors pierced through the walls, showering debris all
around. Running, the snurchers found an
exit up ahead. The doorway had a
flashing red sign and everything. Big
no no in the horror side of things.”
Rygel: “Quick, open the door! What are you waiting for? D’Argo?”
Chiana: [Glares as she pauses at the exit.] “That was low, Rygel.”
Jool: “What if this is another trap? Perhaps a pulse wall is enforced on the
other side and we get electrocuted. Or
maybe there’s another one of those creatures waiting for us on the other
side.” [Crosses arms, waiting for
Chiana to side with her.]
-----John: “Impatience, imagine that, begets Rygel and
he opens the door. A vacuum of space
sucks them through into an even darker area.
They land in a cool pool of liquid that is up to their waists. It is steadily rising.”
Jool: [In disgust.] “Ew! This had better not
be another waste conduit!”
Chiana: [Sniffs at the air and scours her
lips.] “Ugh! Even worse!”
Rygel: “Bat Dren!”
-----John: “As if on cue, a large droplet of bat dren
plops into the pool between them, raining bat poo in every direction. A screeching noise commences overhead and
Jool swears that something landed in her hair.”
Jool: “Augh!
Get it out, get it out!”
Chiana: [Rolls eyes.] “There’s nothing there but bat dren, princess.”
Rygel: “Can we please hurry it up? I can’t swim!”
Jool: [Looks to see that Rygel is already clinging
to her hair.] “As soon as we get out of
here I’m going to….”
Chiana: “IF we get out of here, that is.”
-----John: “The three snurchers finally made it to
drier land and discover a small opening leading to a rather warmly lit
chamber. Cautious as snurchers can be,
the three climbed through and found themselves within the living quarters of a
rather wealthy fellow. Jewels and
sparkling treasures littered the chamber.
Who ever lived here surely wouldn’t be gone long. Then again, if you had a chamber in the
Underground of the Stand, needless to say you’re not going to need a Doberman.”
Jool: [Looks from left to right, left to
right.] “Does anyone else feel a
tingling sensation crawling up their backs to their necks?”
Chiana: “Oh yeah…Crichton called it Creepy
Crawlers. We’re definitely being
watched.”
Rygel: “I had a chamber like this once.” [Observes room with a approval.]
-----John: “At that moment, a booming voice disrupted
their thoughts. The three glanced
around, unable to locate its source.”
Scary
Voice: “You have trespassed into my personal
chamber. If you wish to survive, do not
snurch anything! If you’ll take a look
to your immediate right, you will see a pile of white carved sculptures. Every little section of my precious
sculptures was carved from bone…snurcher bones in fact!”
Rygel: [Gulps.]
“Frell!”
Scary
Voice: “SILENCE!”
Jool: [Quivering small voice.] “Sorry.
We were only….”
Scary Voice: “WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”
Jool: [Jumps with fright.] “S...s...sorry.”
Scary
Voice: “Excellent. You will see before you, three
doorways. Each is identical but only
one leads to the Stand above.”
Chiana: “Where do the others lead to?”
Scary
Voice: “You DON”T want to know.”
Rygel: “How do we know which door to chose?”
Scary
Voice: “Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, sorry, ah, simple…do what any snurcher would do and
perish. Be wise and think about
it. Ah frell, just don’t go down the
third one…my Trill Bats and Quasar Poles are still charging up.”
Chiana: “What any snurcher would do? What do you
mean?”
Scary
Voice: “I must go now. Someone forgot to close the back trap
door….”
Rygel: “Wait!”
-----John: “The voice diminished. Now they had a real dilemma. Which doorway would they choose? I hear Scorpius rented out one of the
tunnels beyond these three doorways. Guess
he thought I’d be down there at one point or another.”
Jool: “Frell!
This wouldn’t have happened if you two hadn’t listened to that
bartender!”
Rygel: “This is all the human’s fault! It always is!”
Chiana: “He’s not even down here.”
Rygel: “I realized this a long time ago. It’s just easier to blame him.”
-----John: “Thanks again, Rygel.”
Jool: “Okay, okay. Look at the doors. See
those doorplates in the center? Each
one possesses a different treasure on it.”
[She and the others travel over to the third doorway.]
Rygel: “Frell, that’s an emerald Kylian Fectar
Stone! Do you realize how many commerce
planets you could buy with that?”
Chiana: “Wanna guess what you’ll buy if you go
through that doorway? No way. Let’s go to the next one.” [Group travels to the second doorway and
examines the treasure there.]
Jool: [Gasps.]
“It’s a master star chart for the entire universe on one holo-chip! Do you know how many holo-chips I’ve
acquired and I still don’t have the entire collection?” [Runs fingers over the holo-chip and the
door creaks and groans. The group jumps
back in surprise and scurries to the first doorway.]
Chiana: [Confidently.] “I think we should take this one.”
Jool: “What, another feeling of yours?”
Rygel: “No, there’s that old blue light shining
underneath the doorway you welsnick!”
-----John: “Don’t look at me. All I can say is it ain’t Kmart’s Blue Light Special.”
Jool: “What if it leads back to that room full of
treasures with the huge scary creature?
I’m not going to take that chance!”
Rygel: “But look at the door plate. There’s a written symbol upon it. No jewels, no invaluable holo-chips. We’re home free!”
Chiana: “Maybe there’s another doorway or
something. Or maybe we could each try a
door and whoever finds the right one can let the others know.” [She looks to the others who look at her
doubtfully. She nods her head.] “Right.”
Jool: “Fine.
Let’s just take the first one.
There’s no valuable door plate and nothing’s screaming beyond it.” [Places a hand on the door.]
-----John: “No!
Not that one! The other
door! The OTHER door!”
Jool: [Group steps through the first door.] “See, it’s all right.”
Chiana: “Oh frell!”
Rygel: “I knew it!”
-----John: “Ha!
Gotchya there for a second, didn’t I?
Before the group stood the Stand in all its glory. The usual aliens were drinking away and the
bartender was busily stirring up another vat of Raslac for the evening. My three crewmates sat down in the usual
booth with sighs of relief. They
ordered extra-strong drinks and sat back.”
Chiana: “That was a little too easy, if you ask me.”
Rygel: “Nobody was asking you.”
Jool: “It was worth it.” [Pulls out the shiny hairpin she had discovered earlier and
twirls it around in her fingers.]
Chiana: [Widens her eyes.] “Jool! Quick, throw it
back into the Illusory Airlock!”
Jool: “Bull Frell, there is no such thing as an
Illusory Airlock. That bartender just
wanted to get rid of us for a while.”
Rygel: “Do it now, Jool. Not even I would snurch something from the Underground. Do you know what happens to anyone who makes
it out alive? Well, actually I don’t
think anyone ever has….”
-----John: “Once a snurcher, always a snurcher. Hey, but at least they made it out alive, right? Right?
Suddenly, the Stand went completely dark and silent. A growling rumble erupted and everyone
screamed. Snurchers beware!”
All
three snurchers: “Oh crap.”
*****
HAPPY
HALLOWEEN SCAPERS!!!! Now remember, when
you go trick-or-treating, er, snurching that is, please PLEASE don’t take
anything that’s not yours! The
consequences could be…well…deadly!
MWAHAHAHA!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh,
sorry, got carried away there. Have a
safe and happy Halloween!
[Oh
yeah, and for those SPLATT members…keep the hard candy in a safe place and
throw the soft stuff instead! ---------------------------‘/, ‘/, ‘/,
Tootsies! Can’t you tell??? ;)]